


Floating or Sinking

by kylouwu



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abortion, Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo is definitely a giver, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Family Drama, Happily Ever After, Infertility, Luke's essentially a hippie, Marriage, No underage funny business, Past Abortion, Pregnancy, Rape Recovery, Rey is adopted, Rey's 13 at the beginning, Reylo - Freeform, Sexual Assault, Time Progression, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey, adult ben solo, so is Finn, the slowest of burns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2020-10-21 01:28:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 83,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20685242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylouwu/pseuds/kylouwu
Summary: Rey is 13 when she’s adopted by the Kanata family. She’s also 13 when she befriends Rose Tico and is symbolically adopted by the long-time friends of the Kanatas, the Solos—including their 13 year-old adopted son, Finn, and their oldest son, 18 year-old Ben.While she and Finn and Rose are immediate best friends, her connection with Ben Solo only grows deeper the older she gets. He’s more than a friend to her, especially when her world comes tumbling down shortly after her sixteenth birthday.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place over a relatively long period of time. It will follow Rey through her teenage years, and there will be mentions of sexual assault/rape, abortion, and infertility. The assault not be graphically explicit, and will only be detailed in the aftermath. I'll be sure to tag the chapters when there's any potential for triggering content. It will get dark since it deals with the physical and emotional pain Rey works through. Don't fret! There will still be a happy ending. Also: there is no sexual underage content.

The first thing Rey had noticed about Finn was his smile. She wondered just how someone could smile at everything, all the time. Especially teenagers. Thirteen-year olds didn’t smile this much, right? She didn’t, anyways.

Rey had just moved to the tiny little town of Olive Hill in upstate New York. After years of floating around different foster homes with unremarkable results, she’d been adopted out of the blue.

Maz. Rey had crinkled her nose at the name when she was first told before their first meeting, wondering what she was in for exactly. She definitely didn’t expect a tiny little Italian woman with a big smile and even bigger personality. She hadn’t expected much at all, really. And now, when they pull up to the two-story brick home with perfectly trimmed little bushes out front, she was a bit fearful she'd been dreaming. When Maz and her husband Charles, who was every bit as tall as Maz was short, lead her into a large kitchen where there was a small gathering and balloons and a cake... She knew she had to be dreaming.

Finn was standing beside another boy, one much taller and older, and they were both standing between an older couple—Han, Leia, and Ben—according to Maz. Rey silently wondered why his skin was dark and theirs wasn’t. Her knowledge of reproductive biology wasn't extensive considering her age, but she was pretty sure Han and Leia couldn't be Finn's birth parents. They were Maz and Chewie's (a nickname that brought a giggle to Rey's mouth) neighbors, and had been for fifteen years.

“I’m Finn,” he announced as he brought her over a second piece of her belated-birthday cake. Everyone else was lost in conversation by now, and Rey was thankful for the brief reprise of her not being the main topic of conversation. “I’m Han and Leia’s son. And that’s my older brother, Ben.”

He nods towards the three, out of which Ben seemed decidedly uninterested in the conversation and was lazily tossing a tiny piece of cake around with his fork.

“I was adopted, too.”

“You were?” Rey turns back to Finn.

She wasn't surprised at the revelation itself, more so that he was forthcoming with it so soon.

“When I was a baby,” he nods. “Have you...?”

“Ten other places,” Rey tries to hide her frown. She sees from the corner of her eye that it’s the first time Finn’s stopped smiling. “Wanna share?”

His smile returns when she pushes the slice of cake between the two of them.

It seems that it only takes a shared slice of birthday cake and less than ten minutes for the two of them to become best friends. Finn tells Rey about his friends, and Rey takes noncommittal mental notes about all of them when Finn mentions introducing her to them sometime. He tells her about the school they'd be going to, and about all of the eighth grade teachers. Apparently, Mr. Skywalker was Finn's eccentric uncle who resembled a hippie more than an art teacher. When Rey mentions she likes math classes after Finn tells her the horror stories he'd heard about Algebra, he pretends to choke on his cake, and Rey bursts into a fit of laughter. She's only just contained herself when Finn turns his attention away from her.

“Where ya headed, big brother?” Rey watches as Finn raises a taunting eyebrow up at Ben, who was trying to discreetly exit the premises. She watches as the giant boy's face contorts into an even harsher scowl.

“What do you want?” He narrows his eyes.

“Rey and I would like to go see a movie tomorrow evening,” Finn smirks. “Oh! Rose, too. I mean, it _is_ still Rey's birthday month.”

“Huh?” Rey blurts, immediately uncomfortable by the obvious tension between the brothers.

“You fuckin' with me? It’s a Friday night.” Ben protests. Rey’s surprised by his blatant use of profanity.

“Have fun on your leisurely outdoor stroll, then.” Finn shrugs and grins mischievously.

Ben glares down at Finn, his eyes glancing over at Rey for a spit second before he detects her innocence in Finn’s evil plan. He turns his face back to Finn.

“Fine,” he spits. “You’ve got two more months of this. Milk it while you can, asshole.”

He stomps away and Rey is left completely and utterly confused.

"Why'd you do that?"

"It's fine, Rey," Finn laughs. "He's not as bad as he seems. It's his own fault, anyways. He won't quit smoking those stupid things."

"He smokes?"

She could remember the distinct stale scent of tobacco that lingered on every single piece of clothing she owned for a good year after she left one of the foster homes she'd stayed at when she was ten. It was a horrible scent to begin with, but it didn't help that she'd had a sore throat and watery eyes for an entire year. Her guardians had told her she was just allergic to the cat.

"He's quitting, at least," Finn offers. "Mom and Dad don't know, though. Gives me a wonderful advantage."

"Isn't that blackmail?"

"He's the one smoking cigarettes."

"True."

Rey leaned her elbows onto the counter of the bar they were both sitting at, letting her legs dangle freely. She watched as Finn went back to get another piece of cake, eyes widening at his stomach's apparent lack of a maximum capacity. There was no way she'd ever be able to eat that much food. And she loved food.

* * *

When the next evening arrives, Rey decides that Rose Tico might smile more than Finn does.

Her older sister, Paige, could've been her twin. She'd dropped her off at Finn's and had told her if Solo started being an ass, to call her. Rey silently wondered if Ben's reputation was that well known. She also wondered if it was safe to get in a car with him.

She was also afraid she'd be smothered with the smell of cigarettes when they all climbed into his Jeep. She could definitely tell the scent was there, but it wasn't strong enough to bother her. She did, however, notice the smell of cologne, thick and suffocating. But it wasn't from Ben.

It was radiating from Finn. She was just about to mention something when Ben opened his driver's side door and climbed in. He immediately glared at the three kids in the backseat through his rearview mirror.

"What the hell did you do, kid? Bathe in a bottle of Calvin Klein?"

Rey manages to not laugh as Finn crosses his arms defiantly.

"I only put a few sprays on."

"Well, the windows are gonna be down the whole way there so I don't fuckin' pass out from the fumes and kill all of us."

When Finn and Rose, with their naturally cheery dispositions, start talking about blood and guts, Rey wonders what she’s missed.

“The movie.” Finn explains.

“Oh, it’s a scary one?” Rey asks.

“It’s the new Axe Street Massacre movie,” Rose explains. “It’s been out for a while, but Paige refused to take me.”

“Wait a minute,” Ben’s voice interrupts them. “That’s what you’re wanting to watch? You think I’m an idiot? Mom would kill me if I let you watch that.”

“She won’t know,” Finn rolls his eyes. “I’m not two. It’s just a movie.”

“Yeah, okay,” Ben snorts. “You just about shit your pants when a fucking crow smacked up against the window in the middle of the night a month ago.”

Rey can’t hold her laughter in this time. 

Finn looks at Rey, only mildly upset.

“Sorry.” Rey mumbles, trying to reign in her laughter.

“I was asleep, and there was a loud noise at my window,” Finn defends himself. “It’d scare the hell out of anyone, thank you.”

“Okay.” Ben just shakes his head. “You freak out, it’s not on me.”

“Fine.”

“Fine. What about you, kid? You’re not going to vomit or anything, are you?” 

It takes Rey a minute before she realizes he’s talking to her and not Rose or Finn.

“Oh, no,” She answers, shrugging. “Doesn’t bother me.”

While Ben walks up to the counter to buy the tickets, Rey, Finn, and Rose walk to the concession area to buy food. Rey absentmindedly wondered if this was normal for every kid. The twenty dollar bill in her pocket felt like it weighed a good fifty pounds. She felt guilty taking it from Maz. If she’d had time to decline Finn’s offer of seeing a movie, she would’ve. But she was afraid she’d seem mean if she didn’t come along. She wondered if there were any possibilities for a job for a thirteen year old in this town. Maybe she could babysit. She was good with kids. It wasn’t like she needed a lot of money, either. Just enough so she wouldn’t be caught in this position again. 

“Rey?”

Finn’s voice snaps her back to the present, and she glances at the cashier.

“Oh, um… can I get a small popcorn and… a coke?”

The cashier takes her money and gives her a whopping twelve dollars and seventy-five cents in chance. She shudders at the thought she’d just spent over seven dollars on popcorn and a drink. She asks Finn how much the tickets were so she can give Ben the cash for it.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Finn waves it off. When he senses she’s about to protest, he offers an explanation. “Really. He only paid for his ticket, likely. You could call it a discount.”

Rey raises a single eyebrow. 

“Perri.” Rose speaks up, and Rey follows her line of vision to the cashier in the booth where Ben had bought the tickets. She looked to be a little older than Ben, but not by much. She was pretty and had bright blonde hair. Rey thought her uniform shirt might’ve been a little too tight and unbuttoned a little too far, but she figured she’d done that on purpose.

“His girlfriend?” Rey assumes.

Finn laughs loudly.

“What?”

“Ben doesn’t have girlfriends. He has girls he knows.”

Rey only knew enough about the implication to know that it wasn’t a good one. 

“She’s got a crush on him, so she gives him discounts,” Rose explains. “Kinda weird, if you ask me, but hey, free movie tickets.”

Rey shrugs and they all walk into the theater when Ben returns with the ‘complimentary’ tickets.

Exactly forty-two minutes later, Finn is running out of the theater with his hand over his mouth. The protagonist’s best friend, after deciding to follow the axe murderer down into the dark basement, had suffered a particularly brutal chop to the neck. Her head dangled loosely from her shoulders and the use of CG and practical effects, while clearly fake, had seemingly served its purpose. 

“I swear to fuckin'—I’m gonna kill him.” Rey and Rose listen to Ben grumble before he gets up to begrudgingly check on his younger brother.

The two girls end up watching the remainder of the movie themselves, with the only moment of being grossed out coming from Rose when she sees a nail go straight through the protagonist’s eye. Ben and Finn end up walking back in once the credits roll, and then they both take turns yelling at each other the entire way home. While Ben’s anger is a little concerning, his jabs aren’t exactly heartfelt. Ben pulls in to Maz’s driveway first, letting Rey out so she wouldn’t have to walk the short distance in the rain.

“It was nice meeting you, Rey,” Rose smiles. “Maybe we can hang out again sometime this weekend.” 

“That sounds good,” Rey nods. “It was nice to meet you, too, Rose.”

They all tell her Happy Birthday again, and she even hears Ben mumble his own “Happy Birthday, kid” before they leave. 

When she gets inside, Maz asks her if she’d had fun.

She replies with a simple ‘yes’, but the more Rey thinks about it, the more she realizes that number thirteen had been the best birthday she’d ever had. By far.

* * *

Rey had never had her picture taken on the first day of school. She didn't even know that was a thing that people did with their kids. She felt a little awkward at first, but Maz's excitement and giddiness was too infectious. 

She was glad that by the time she boarded the school bus, Rose and Finn were already on. 

She thought that by now she'd have 'being the new girl' down to an exact science. It was still just as uncomfortable as the first time. 

She sat down beside Rose, and Finn sat behind them, his arms hanging over the back of the seat as he proceeded to introduce her to everyone he deemed ‘important’ on the bus. When a dark, curly haired boy got on the bus a few stops after Rey’s, she was surprised to notice he held his hand out to shake hers before he even sat down beside Finn.

“You must be Rey,” He smiles, all charm and dimples. “I’m Poe Dameron. Finn’s told me about you. New neighbors, huh?”

“Yeah,” she nods, offering a polite smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Poe.”

“You, too,” He replies. He shrugs off his backpack and sits it on the floor of the bus. “So, Rey. You play any sports?”

Rey snorts loudly, the immediate mental image of herself playing any form of sports proving to be absolutely improbable. 

“Yeah, I tried to get her to play basketball at home,” Finn starts. “She knocked herself out. I’m surprised the bruise isn’t still there.”

“Make fun all you want,” Rey narrows her eyes. “See who doesn’t help you with your math.”

Rey ended up only having a few classes with Rose, and only two with Finn. She had Algebra with both of them, along with History, and also had Chemistry with Rose. She ended up having Finn’s ‘eccentric uncle’ for her first period, already dreading having an art class. She loved painting, but she’d not done nearly enough of it to be any good at it. And she figured they’d be drawing and sketching more than anything else in this class. 

She had to give it to Finn, though. He was right about Mr. Skywalker being odd. Luke is what Finn had called him. He wore a Hawaiian-print short-sleeved shirt with khaki pants and sandals, and she wasn’t sure which was longer… his beard or his hair. The first thing he had everyone do was make a name tag. It would be used on the front of each student’s portfolio. He encouraged the kids to bring some of their personality into their illustrations. Rey wondered how she was supposed to make that work with three simple letters. 

"Miss Kanata," Mr. Skywalker's voice lures Rey's head up and away from her concentration on the blank paper. "My sister's told me much about you. I look forward to having you in my class this year."

"Oh, um, thank you," Rey feels her cheeks heat. She knew everyone around her had already begun their name tags. Some were even finished. "I'm really not that good with art, though, I'm afraid."

"You don't have to be good at it," He shakes his head. "You just have to try it. And have fun. Don't overthink it. Just make something _you_ love."

Rey nods as Mr. Skywalker walks away. She thinks for only a moment more before she decides on a plan. She ends up incorporating her name into a sunset, preferring the simplicity over anything dramatic. She's just finishing blending her oranges and yellows when she hears the bell ring. 

"See? Not so hard," Mr. Skywalker smiles. "I think you'll do just fine."

* * *

If she didn’t end up having to leave this place, Rey was certain she’d start rivaling Finn in the amount of food he was able to make disappear. The spread that Leia and Maz had collectively constructed was certainly enough to feed a small army. Of course, Finn himself could be considered a moderately-sized army.  
  
Rey had never had a thanksgiving like this. In fact, she’d never had the typical thanksgiving meal. She’d had turkey before, obviously, but only when the schools she’d been at had their thanksgiving lunches. She didn’t know cranberries were a staple to the holiday. And she’d learned that pumpkin pie might be her new favorite thing. Ever. She and Finn had finished almost an entire pie between the two of them.  
  
“How are you liking Olive Hill, kid?”  
  
Han’s voice pulled Rey from the moment she was having with the last of her pumpkin pie.  
  
He was on the opposite end of the table, adjacent to Rey. Everyone else was deep in conversation about one of the cases at the police station that Leia was only allowed to discuss to an extent.  
  
“It’s good,” Rey shrugs. “I like it better than other schools I’ve been to.”  
  
“Leia says you’re keeping our kid from flunking out of math,” he offers a smirk. “You thought about what you want to do after school?”  
  
“A little,” Rey shakes her head noncommittally. “I kinda like what Leia does. I thought something like forensics would be cool.”  
  
He laughs.  
  
“That shit doesn’t bother you?”  
  
Rey flushes, then smiles, remembering the time Finn had demonstrated just how bothered he was by it back when she’d first came here.  
  
“No, it never has,” Rey shrugs. “It’s like a puzzle. Math and science involved. Seemed like it’d be fun.”  
  
“Well, I’ll tell you that you’re in the right house,” he smirks. “I’m sure Leia would love to give you a little tour of the labs down at the station.”  
  
“Are you talking about me, Han?”  
  
Rey and Han both turn their heads toward Leia, across the table.  
  
“Always, sweetheart.”  
  
She frowns.  
  
“Actually, Rey here was just telling me how she might wanna do something like you do when she’s older,” he says, crossing his arms up on the table. “Kid seems to have no issue with all the... gross stuff.”  
  
“She doesn’t,” Finn butts in. “You should’ve seen her when we watched that—uh... scratch that.”  
  
Leia snorts.  
  
“You threw up the next day, too, son,” She laughs. “Your brother ratted you out right after you went upstairs.”  
  
“Ben!” Finn whines.  
  
“Like she wouldn’t have known anyways,” Ben rolls his eyes from further down the table. “Point is—you can’t handle shit.”  
  
“Mom!”  
  
“Language.”  
  
“You took my girl to see a horror movie?” Chewie narrows his eyes.  
  
“Oh, come on,” Ben laughs. “Rey and Rose were fine. I remember someone taking me to see one of the ‘Saw’ movies when I was the same age.”  
  
“Charles!” Maz gasps.  
  
“It was Han!” He holds his hands up.  
  
“No, no, no,” Han leans back in his chair. “It was your idea, too, Chewie. Besides... didn’t bother the kid. No harm, no foul, right?”  
  
Rey can’t help but laugh at the new revelations.  
  
“Well, regardless, Rey, if it’s something you’re interested in, I would love to bring you to the station one day. Let you see how things operate.”  
  
She smiles at Rey, and the excitement bubbles up immediately.  
  
“I’d love that.” Rey nods, trying not to seem too eager.  
  
She used to be really good at not getting excited or getting her hopes up. She was used to the negative outcome when she did that. Four months here and she’d developed a nasty habit of not being cynical. So far, there’d been no issues. She was sure one would arrive, sooner or later, but she was too happy to give her doubt any leverage.  
  
When everyone’s finished eating, Finn, Rey, and Ben are given the chore of cleaning up in the kitchen and washing the dishes. Finn whines enough for the three of them, wastes half the dish soap producing bubbles to bomb Ben and Rey with, and then ultimately ends up weaseling his way out after he’s washed a whopping three dishes.  
  
Ben only notices after it’s been quiet for too long and he hasn’t suffered through another bubble bombing.  
  
“Hey, you don’t have to worry about this, kid, I’ve got it.” He nods for Rey to leave.  
  
“It’s okay,” she shrugs. “I don’t mind to help.”  
  
“I know you don’t,” he replies. “But there’s not much to finish, anyways. Plus, I may or may not have put a small-ish to medium-sized dent into the side of the car driving home this week. I’ve gotta tell mom at some point. Figure if I finish all this, she might not kill me as mercilessly.”  
  
Rey winces, trying not to laugh.  
  
“Yeah, good luck with that.” She wipes her hands before walking away from the sink.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
Rey walks back into the living room where everyone else—minus Finn— is. Leia notices, then looks toward the kitchen.  
  
“Finished already?” She asks.  
  
“Oh, um, yeah,” Rey shakes her head. “Ben’s finishing the last little bit up, I think.”  
  
“He’s doing it?” Han scoffs.  
  
Rey just nods.  
  
“Thinks he’s slick,” Leia frowns. “I know what he’s doing. He thinks me or you haven’t seen that dent in the side of the car. I don't think the kid will ever realize his mother's a detective.”  
  
Han just smirks and takes a sip from his glass.  
  
Maz and Chewie call for Rey from the foyer, and Rey turns back to tell everyone goodbye.  
  
“Thank you for dinner,” she tells Leia. “It was great.”  
  
Leia just smiles and moves to wrap her arms around the girl.  
  
“Of course, sweetheart. We love having you here. You’re welcome anytime.”  
  
Rey spends the short walk home listening and laughing as Maz and Chewie both crack jokes at one another’s expense, fearful that the smile that was etched on her face might just be permanently stuck there.  
  
She figured she was perfectly fine with that.

* * *

There was no possible way Rey would be able to remove the smile from her face right now. She had her cheek pressed to the ice cold car window, eyes widening at the breathtaking snow-capped mountains and the beautiful lodges. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. It wasn’t even Christmas, yet, and she could easily say it was the best she’d ever had. Maz, Chewie, Leia, and Han had long established the tradition of bringing their families to this ski resort for Christmas. They’d been coming since before they adopted Finn, according to Leia. They’d even forced Ben to come along, since he was home from college and on Winter Break.

Finn gave Rey exactly three and a half minutes to unpack her things before he was dragging her outside into the snow. 

Although she had on fifty pounds of clothing, her cheeks still became numb and red. She couldn’t find it in her heart to care, though. She and Finn carried the old sled that had belonged to Han as a kid up the snowy slope, both nearly exhausted by the time they’d reached the top. 

“Okay, I’m gonna hold on to the sled while you climb on the front,” Finn tells her. “Make sure to hold on… Then I’ll jump on.”

“You’re sure this is safe?” 

“It’s snow,” Finn scoffs. “Worst thing that could happen would be us freezing to death.”

Rey laughs as she carefully climbs onto the sled, scooting up far enough for Finn to fit behind her. She grabs the small rails on each side and holds on for dear life.

Finn doesn’t even warn her before he jumps on and the sled takes off with no resistance. The immediate gush of air shocks Rey’s lungs and she feels adrenaline coursing through her body. She finally lets out a breath in the form of a squeal, which only makes Finn shout and laugh loudly behind her. They slide over a small bump, which makes Rey’s body fly off the sled for a moment before she slams back down. Neither one of them can acknowledge the potential danger of the moment, and instead choose to laugh even harder. 

When the sled approaches the bottom of the hill and veers for the tree line, however, Finn’s laughter begins to die down when he realizes their momentum isn’t. 

“Uh, Rey,” He shouts. “We’re… shit! Jump!”

“Huh?” Rey turns her head as she feels Finn eject his body from the sled.

She’s unable to process his words before the end of the sled and her foot crash into one of the pine trees at the bottom of the hill. She feels an immediate burning sensation and a throbbing pain in her ankle. 

“Crap.” She winces.

“Rey! Oh, god,” Finn panics, running up to her. “Are you alright?”

“I don’t know, I—“ She attempts to move her ankle before squeaking. “Yeah, that’s a negative. Can’t move it, Finn.”

“Hold on, just stay there, okay? I’ll go get someone or a rope so I can pull you back to the house, okay? Stay there.” 

She just nods, her pain radiating into annoyance as she silently wonders where exactly it was that she’d run off to. 

A few minutes later, Finn’s running back toward her, Ben following behind him. 

“Jesus, Finn,” Ben grumbles. “Your _head_. Use your head. This slope isn’t good for a sled. Are you alright, kid?”

“Can’t move it.” Rey manages. She was in a lot of pain, now, and her mounting annoyance was sure to end with tears. It was the only time she ever cried. When she was immensely angry. 

“Alright,” he sighs, bending down and pushing the puffy pants leg up. “I can carry you back, but… you’ve gotta get the shoe off now.”

“What? Why?” She squeaks, the mere thought of removing the shoe sending another shock of pain through her foot.

“Your foot is going to keep swelling. We wait and it’ll be impossible to get it off. And a million times more painful.”

She groans.

“Fine, fine,” she shakes her head. “Do it quick.”

“Finn, her hands,” he nods at his brother. “I’ll count down from three.”

She nods, taking deep breaths. 

“Three, two—“

He definitely doesn’t wait until one. 

“Fuck!” Rey fumes, likely drawing blood from Finn’s arms. “Son of a _bitch_… What the hell happened to one?!”

Finn’s eyes widen at Rey’s shocking new rage, and Ben would be surprised, too, if he wasn’t too focused on her foot. 

And trying not to laugh. 

“See? All done,” Ben holds his hands up in defense. “Finn, get the sled. I’ll get her.”

Rey grumbles a series of profanities while Ben manages to lift her from the sled. 

“Do they not teach you math in college?” 

Ben laughs, knowing her newly found irritation was because of her pain. 

“The surprise helps,” he replies. “You know it’s coming and you tense up. Hurts worse.”

Rey sighs, annoyed at his sound logic. 

“Rey? Oh, my, _stellina_! What happened?” Maz’s voice sounds out once they enter the house.

“It’s probably just sprained,” Ben’s voice is calm and even. “They were sledding.”

“It was an accident.” Rey speaks up.

Ben carefully sits Rey down on the couch, placing a pillow under her foot. 

“Chewie and I will take her to the urgent care in town,” Maz says, sitting down by Rey’s head. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Rey shakes her head. “Just hurts.”

When Chewie arrives, he and Maz drive Rey fifteen minutes away to the local urgent care. Ben was right on the money—her ankle was sprained. There was little to do, other than splint it and alternate ice packs every fifteen minutes. They gave her a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and a list of directions to dictate Rey’s activity for the next week. 

“I’m sorry you won’t be able to ski this week, _stellina_.” Maz frowns once they’re on their way back.

“It’s okay,” Rey offers a smile. “I’ll make Finn pull me around in the sled if I want to go out.”

She was true to her word, too.

Rey’s excuse was that she was only helping Finn train. He did want to play football in high school next year. He should be able to cart her around in the sled, then. By Christmas Eve, six days later, she was able to hop around with light pressure on her foot. 

She was surprised to hear shouting downstairs when she’d woken up that morning. 

“Lower your voice, son,” She heard Leia’s authoritative tone. “I won’t having you acting like this here. He’s only coming for dinner tonight, and then leaving. You can behave that long.”

“I can’t believe you,” She recognized Ben’s voice. “This is bullshit, you know that? It was his own goddamn fault and he refuses to acknowledge it.”

“Ben.”

“No,” Rey hears a door slam. “I’m sorry, mom, but no. You know how I feel about him. You can text me once he’s left. I’m going out.”

“It’s Christmas Eve, Benjamin.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

A door slams loudly before Rey starts to determine whether she should wait before heading downstairs. She doesn’t have the chance to decide when she hears footsteps behind her.

“Get all that?” Finn asks her, sitting down beside her at the top of the stairs.

“Kinda. Who’s he talking about?”

“Luke.”

“Mr. Skywalker? His uncle?”

“Don’t call him that around Ben, but yeah,” Finn nods. “Long story, but they don’t get along. At all.”

“Oh.”

True to his word, Ben doesn’t show back up for dinner. Luke does, however, and everyone seems to be oblivious to the fact that he’s there and Ben isn’t. Either that or they’re choosing not to speak about it. Rey wasn’t about to bring it up, that’s for sure.

“Taking up extreme sports over break, are we, Rey?” Luke asks her as dinner’s winding down. 

She can’t help but wonder why there was conflict between him and his nephew. Mr. Skywalker was a nice guy, Rey thought.

“Extreme sledding,” Rey answers. “Once was enough, apparently.”

Mr. Skywalker just laughs.

“Well, I hope it heals up soon,” he smiles. “I’ll see you in class next month, Rey.”

“See you then, Mr. Skywalker.”

Rey watches as he says his goodbyes to his sister and brother-in-law, a clear sadness in all of their tones. 

And Rey had thought Finn's family was perfect.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey grows more accustomed to her life in Olive Hill and navigates through her last year of middle school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another fluffy chapter. No warnings necessary for this one.

Rey was going to lose it.

And by ‘it’, she meant her lunch. There were pink and red hearts and roses and flowers and candy hearts and all other sorts of contraband polluting the _entirety_ of Olive Hill Middle School. It was an infestation. A disgrace. Poe had opened his locker to an avalanche of valentines that morning, and Rey couldn’t be more horrified for him. Poe didn’t mind a bit. In fact, he was loving every second of it. He’d assured the three of them that they were his true valentines, wrapping his arms around Rey and Finn. Rey’d just rolled her eyes and laughed the entire way to Mr. Skywalker’s class. His assignment for his students that day was simple: create something you love or create something _for_ someone you love. Rey could barely contain her laughter as the idea sprouted in her head. 

When Finn’s uncle walks up to Rey’s desk half an hour later, he’s completely puzzled. 

Rey’s concocted a dramatic illustration. The subject of which: a giant table filled with food. You name it—it was on there. Burgers, donuts, pizza, lasagna, and peanut butter and banana sandwiches. It was only elevated by the candlesticks Rey incorporated on each end of the table. 

“Dare I ask, Rey?” Luke was fighting laughter.

“It’s for Finn,” she explains, a grin on her face. “I’m afraid he might try to eat it, though.”

Luke laughs then, shaking his head at the peculiar girl. His other students had drawn flowers or sunsets or their pets. Not Rey.

“Yeah, I’d be fearful of that, too, if I were you.” He laughs as he walks back to the front of the room. 

Rey makes Finn wait until they’re all back at his house that evening to reveal her masterpiece to him. Han laughs so hard she’s afraid she’s initiated a heart attack. He ends up getting an old frame from the garage and hanging the drawing in the hallway. 

“I can’t believe Poe’s ditching us to go to that stupid dance,” Finn rolls his eyes. He’s likely whipped the cake batter from stirring it so hard. “And Kaydel? She’s _so_ annoying.”

They’d decided to make an anti-Valentine’s day cake. Leia had an old heart-shaped cake pan. They planned to cut it in half, jagged, and decorate it with the appropriate fake blood for any cake-strawberry jelly. 

“She’s not _horrible_,” Rose shrugs. “She’s just…”

“Chipper?” Rey offers. 

Kaydel was nice, but she was definitely a more exuberant personality compared to the three of them. She was on the cheer squad, president of the student council, and she traveled out of state for gymnastics competitions nearly every weekend. She was pretty, too. She had golden hair and blue eyes. She could see Poe’s fascination, though he claimed she was just his friend. 

“I was going to say obnoxious,” Finn pours the cake batter into the pan carefully. “I’m being too mean, aren’t I?”

Both Rey and Rose wince. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

After they finish their masterpiece, Rose succeeds in begging her older sister to drive them to the movie theater. Without Ben with them, and since Paige refused to actually watch the movie with them, they were left with the only option of using Finn to try and get the R-rated movie tickets from Perri. Finn somehow manages to succeed, but only after going on about his ‘definitely single’ older brother who definitely talked about her ‘all the time’. 

Rey’s surprised when Finn manages to make it through this movie unscathed. The movie’s actually not as scary as Rey’d hoped. It was a low-budget film, that much was obvious. They’d taken every stereotype involving zombies and made them even cheesier. She just couldn’t find a half-rotting dead person mumbling incoherently and never managing to walk faster than a tortoise’s pace frightening. She laughed through half of the movie. Finn and Rose looked at her like she was psychotic. Their concern only made her laugh even more. 

She was certain she’d made it through the disgusting holiday without a scratch. When she gets home that evening, though, Maz calls her into the kitchen. 

There’s a tiny vase with a single red rose and a small heart-shaped box of chocolates on the counter. 

Initially, Rey’s just confused. 

“Those… they’re mine? Who from?”

Maz just laughs and gives Rey a quick hug and a kiss on her forehead before pulling away. 

“Chewie and I, of course,” Maz smiles. “We’ve only ever been used to having each other for Valentine’s Day. But, now, we’re lucky. We have someone else to love. Happy Valentine’s Day, _stellina_.”

Rey manages a slightly awkward ‘thank you’ and another hug before she carries the flower and candy up to her room. She sits the vase and the candy on her desk, across from her bed. She ends up staring at it for quite awhile… not exactly sure how to process it. 

Right before she finally fell asleep, she felt moisture escape from the corner of her eye. She was crying. 

But, she definitely wasn’t sad.

* * *

Rey wakes up the first Saturday of her spring break to car doors slamming, voices yelling in the distance, and car horns blaring. She didn’t recognize the voices off the top of her head, so she knew it wasn’t Maz or Chewie. She’d hoped the noise would go away if she ignored it, but it only grew louder. She groaned and forced her body off her bed and stomped downstairs to look out the window.

Perri?

The girl from the movie theater was literally screaming outside Finn’s house. She craned her neck further to the left to see a familiar car. A familiar car that now had scratches all along the length of it. 

Ben must’ve been home. And Perri was _clearly_ happy to see him. 

Rey thought absentmindedly about making popcorn and moving to the porch to enjoy the show, but she figured that wouldn’t help matters. She makes her way to the back yard and unlatches the gate that connected her’s and Finn’s backyards. She’s not exactly surprised to see Finn lounging just at the edge of the backyard, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of the action going on out front. 

Clearly, he’s had the same idea she’d had about food to go along with this entertainment. He had a bowl of grapes in his lap. He glances up at Rey as she sits down on the arm of the chair he was in, not surprised at her appearance. 

“Grape?”

“Sure,” Rey answers, helping herself. “So. What’s the backstory here?”

“Well, I told you Ben doesn’t have girlfriends,” Finn begins, popping another grape into his mouth. “He just has girls he, _quote_, knows. Well, turns out the girls just so happened to not be aware of one another. Perri found out about Maya.”

“Ooh.” Rey winces but grins, unable to not find this situation absolutely hilarious.

“And Kasey.”

“You’re joking.”

“… and Rachel.” He finishes, snickering self-indulgently. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s my fucking _car_, Perri!” 

Ben’s voice rings out, and Rey and Finn just bask in the free entertainment. 

“You know my mom’s a cop, right?! Are you crazy?!” 

“I know exactly who your mom is, you fucking pig! You wanna bring her into this and let her know just how much _fun_ you’re having at Columbia?! Huh?” 

Both Rey and Finn let out low ‘oohs’ at the burn. Rey doesn’t think she’s ever had this quality of entertainment at 9:15 in the morning on a Saturday before. 

“Are your parents not concerned?” Rey asks, amused.

“Mom’s pissed, of course. She figures Ben deserves it, though. Dad thinks it’s hilarious. He’s got the other bowl of grapes in the living room, watching out the window through the blinds.”

Rey laughs loudly. 

Tires screech and they both see Perri take off in her own car. They both freeze when Ben makes his way to the back yard, grumbling profanities to himself. He seems even more furious when he sees the two of them, nonchalantly watching him. He glares at Finn.

“So… no more free tickets?” 

Rey fears that if she laughs she might be murdered, but she can’t hide her smirk, so she raises her hand to her mouth and giggles behind it as silently as she can. Ben’s glare turns even more murderous. 

“Benjamin Organa Solo!” Leia’s voice shrieks. 

Now, that was a voice both Rey and Finn weren’t about to laugh at. 

“Go over to Rey’s.” Ben barks at Finn. Finn’s just about to protest when he snaps again. “Don’t fuck with me right now, Finn. Go.”

Finn rolls his eyes, but listens regardlessly. Finn and Rey both walk back to her yard, but they both halt at the edge of the yard and press their ears to the cracks in the fence. It was probably unnecessary. They could likely hear the conversation from Jupiter. 

“You know, son, it _baffles_ me how stupid you can be, considering you’re fairly intelligent.” Leia chastises her eldest.

“I’m the stupid one? She keyed my car! She committed the crime! You’re the cop, you should know that!”

“For no reason, I’m sure.” 

It’s silent for a moment after that.

“I mean, seriously, Ben. What the hell? What if you end up getting one of these girls pregnant?”

“_Mom_.”

Ben’s tone of utter horror matches Rey and Finn’s faces and they make disgusted faces at one another with their ears still pressed up to the fence.

“I mean it, Benjamin. That’s a risk you’re taking.”

“I do know what a condom is, since you’re forcing this topic of conversation.”

Rey and Finn’s faces both snarl even further, and they both decide they definitely don’t want to hear anymore of the conversation. 

“That was… gross.” Finn shudders. 

“Agreed. Definitely agreed.” Rey frowns. 

Well, Ben clearly had no reservations about… that. 

Later, when Finn begs her to come over for dinner so that the topic of conversation between his brother and parents would change for a glorious hour, Rey avoids looking at Ben at all costs. She thought kissing was gross, yet alone all the other stuff she admittedly knew little about… The idea that Ben would… She just shakes it out of her head, hoping she’d eventually forget about the horrors that had transpired today. When Rey’s about to walk back home, they hear Ben from the hallway, clearly amused. 

“What the hell is this?”

The all look back to see Rey’s glorious food drawing from Valentine’s Day. 

“Rey drew it for me,” Finn laughs. “For Valentine’s Day.”

“Well, you clearly know my brother, kid,” Ben laughs, shaking his head. “You drew this?”

“Mhm,” Rey nods. “Mr. Skywalker helped me get the shading right, but I drew it all.”

Ben’s body stills, and it takes a moment to realize she’d forgotten one of the cardinal rules. She waits for the explosion, but Ben just flexes his jaw and looks away from the wall. 

“You did a good job, kid.” 

He walks away after that, and Rey feels stupid for bringing Luke up.

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” Leia shakes her head. “Don’t mind him. Thank you for coming over for dinner.”

“Thanks for having me,” She smiles. She looks back at Finn before walking out the door. “See you tomorrow.”

Finn replies with the same, and Rey closes the door behind her. Before she can make it five feet from the front door, she hears the hum of loud, drum-heavy music radiating from upstairs and the less than gentle slam of a bedroom door.

* * *

Rose and Rey had just returned from shopping for spring fling dresses with Paige when she noticed Maz’s car was in the Solos’ driveway. She asks Paige to drop her off there, instead, and when Finn answer’s the door, she immediately knows something is wrong.Han was sat in his usual chair, and Maz stood behind him with her hand on his shoulder. Chewie leaned on the frame of the doorway with a somber face. Ben’s bags were packed for his return trip to college, but he was pacing back and forth in front of the main window.

“What’s going on?” Rey whispers to Finn, seeing his watery eyes. 

He doesn’t get a chance to answer before Maz wraps her arms around Rey and holds her tight. 

“Everything’s alright, _stellina_.”

Just then, Ben bolts and grabs the TV remote, and Rey notices as the silent commercial had changed to the five o’clock news. Ben raises the volume further and they all stare at the screen. 

“… continuing our coverage on the story unfolding at Smith’s Hardware in Olive Hill. We’ve been told hostage negotiations progressed to the point where law enforcement have attempted to enter the premises.”

Leia. 

Rey realizes the severity of the situation immediately. She also realizes just how much Finn’s family meant to her now. Leia was just like another Maz, another Mom to her. 

The next half hour passes slower than molasses. The tension only grows in the crowded room, and Ben only paces harder and faster across the room. Rey sits beside Finn, his head leaning against her shoulder as they both continue to watch the television, eyes glued to the screen even when the commercials come on. The phone rings intermittently and Han answers it. He utters Luke’s name, and it’s the first time Rey’s noticed Ben not react to the sound. She assumed he was a little more preoccupied with other worries at the moment. 

Suddenly, the cameras zoom in on movement at the entrance to the hardware store. The picture is fuzzy, but they can all see what’s happening. Two officers walk out with a man, handcuffed. A few seconds pass before more officers walk out with others, other people without handcuffs. And finally, Leia walks out. Or, it looks like Leia. 

“Is that her, Dad?” Finn blurts.

They watch as Han visibly relaxes. 

“Yeah, son, that’s her.” 

Ben sinks to the floor by the window, his head landing on the wall behind him with a gentle thud. 

Leia arrives home a few hours later, exhausted. She tries to calm and reassure everyone the best way she knows how—cooking. They all eat dinner together, and when Ben has to leave to head back to college, Rey notices that his hunched body holds on to his mother longer than normal. 

The next afternoon, Paige brings Rose over to Rey’s for them to get ready for the spring fling dance. The two of them would be going with Finn and Poe, as a group. That decision came halfway as an escape route for Rey. Mitaka had came up to Rey after Mr. Skywalker’s class one day, randomly, and asked if Rey had a date to the dance yet. Rey’d blurted out that she was going with a group to avoid being a completely horrible person. She’d told him he could hang out with their group when she saw his disappointed frown. Now, she regretted that.

Paige agreed to help the two girls navigate makeup and curling irons and dress shoes. Thankfully, Rey didn’t feel like the odd ball out with Rose. They were both just as naturally repelled by anything stereotypically ‘girly’. Rey didn’t own a single pair of shoes that weren’t Chucks, normal tennis shoes, boots, or flip flops for the summer. Rose was exactly the same. 

Rey wonders why anyone would fuss over any of this. She’s ready to scream an hour later, not understanding how in the world it took that long to curl two heads of hair and swipe on some makeup. She’s relieved, though, to have the heat from the curling iron away from her head now. She was seriously concerned she’d just sweat off the makeup Paige had carefully painted onto her face. 

Rose’s dress matched her name. It was a satin-y dusty pink dress that fell just to her knees. It had multiple spaghetti straps on each shoulder, and there were tiny clear gemstones along the straps. It wasn’t exactly Rey’s style, but Rose loved it, and she looked pretty in it, which was all that mattered. Rey’s dress was the third one she tried on, and she didn’t even care for it, honestly. But she’d figured she wouldn’t like anything she put on, anyways. It was a pale yellow cotton-like material. It fell just below her knees and had sleeves that didn’t cover her shoulders, but fell to her elbows. Rey was just glad it was comfortable. 

Maz, Leia, and Paige take enough pictures to fill the walls of a million houses. Rey’s not made it out of the house, and she’s stood so long in the stupid little heels that she already feels her feet burning. 

Han stays in his chair (affectionately nicknamed _The_ _Throne_) and avoids all of the fuss until they’re ready to leave. 

“You girls call if anyone gives you any trouble, yeah?” He tells her and Rose.

“Don’t worry,” Rey shrugs. “I know where to kick.”

“Atta girl.” Han smirks.

Her spirits lighten about an hour later when her and Rose are doubled over in laughter as both Finn and Poe demonstrate their dancing skills (or lack thereof) and their clear disregard for the hundred other kids staring and laughing at them. 

They’re lip-syncing to each other while dancing horribly.

The kicker?

The song is ‘Promiscuous’ by Nelly Furtado. 

Rey was never going to be able to hear the song the same way ever again, and she was 100% okay with that. Both her and Rose decide to take a break at the bleachers when the next song, Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’ breaks out over the speakers and Poe and Finn start back at it again. 

When the next song comes on, slow and boring, Rey stands to go and get more punch. She’s stopped when Mitaka pops up in front of her. 

“Hey, Rey.” He smiles at her, and she immediately feels the impending doom.

“Hi.” 

“I, uh… I like your dress. The yellow. It’s… I like it.”

“Thanks,” Rey raises her eyebrows, surprised by the comment. The tiny part of human decency in her brain screams at her to be nice and return the compliment. “Uh… that’s a cool tie.”

“Thanks.”

She just barely hears Finn and Rose snicker behind her and she vows that somehow, someway, that they would pay in a manner of revenge so malicious their very friendship would forever be changed. She was livid. 

“Do you… would you like to dance?” He asks her, and she wants to scream. 

“Uh, I’m not that good of a dancer,” She begins, but the small part of her consciousness that was worried about the feelings of others takes charge. “But, sure. One song won’t hurt.”

Mitaka’s face lights up like the kid had won the lottery. Rey turns her head to glare at Finn and Rose with all the fire of the seventh circle of hell one last time before she begrudgingly puts her hands up on Mitaka’s spindly shoulders. He manages to put his hands on the fabric around her waist, barely even touching her at all. At least there was that, she thought. 

They sway, awkwardly, back and forth, for the entirety of the song. Neither one says a word, and Rey prays to God that the sound system would just give out and die, or that the lights would catch fire, or one of the kids that had really been going at it would pass out in the middle of the dance floor. Anything. 

The torture finally abates, and Rey makes an excuse about getting back to her friends, and that, sure, she’d talk to him later. She makes a beeline for Finn and Poe, who are absolutely rolling laughing. Rose has enough of a regretful conscious to look guilty. 

“You’re dead! Both of you! Why didn’t you do something?” Rey whines.

“Sorry, peanut,” Finn’s laughter dies. “I just—“

“Don’t ‘_peanut_’ me! It’s not gonna work! That was torture! I’d have rather danced with a masked murderer!” 

Rey sulks for the rest of the dance, not understanding why the rest of the kids her age couldn’t just avoid this whole ‘crush’ phase. Rey knew she was the smart one here. She’d be the one saving herself a world of trouble later on. She was never, _ever_ going to like a boy. That was for sure. 

* * *

“Congratulations, kid,” Han shoves at Rey’s shoulder playfully, his form of endearment. “You’ve got a talent for this stuff.”

“Art, Han, it’s not a difficult word,” Leia rolls her eyes. “I may be biased, but yours is the best up there by far.”

Rey just rolls her eyes and smiles as Leia gives her a side hug.

“Wouldn’t you agree, Luke?” She turns to her brother.

“You know I can’t show favoritism, Leia,” He narrows his eyes at his sister before turning to Rey and winking. “I’d _never_ do such a thing.”

“Finn?!” Rey’s surprise is palpable. 

She wasn’t expecting him to make it this evening. When he’d rolled his ankle and ended up with a sprain more severe than the one Rey’d suffered during their Christmas trip, Rey told him it was only karma for the spring fling incident. He’d have to be on these crutches for the next few weeks. It’d only happened a couple days prior, and Leia was adamant on keeping him home for the week while he got used to the crutches. She didn’t want him injuring another body part trying to navigate the hallways of the school in them. 

“I begged Ben to bring me,” He says, smiling. Rey immediately stills, knowing that Luke was right beside her. “He’s in the lobby.”

He wasn’t in the lobby, though. She saw him sulking in the doorway to the auditorium. 

“Mr. Skywalker?” Another student called for Luke across the room, and Luke excuses himself. 

“Finn, you shouldn’t have brought him here.” Leia admonishes him in a hushed tone. 

“Well, you must be good, kid,” Ben’s voice cuts into the conversation. He moves to stand by Finn. “I recognize them all.”

Rey’s series of paintings were all the different fruit trees that lined both her’s and the Solos’ back yards. She’d painted them at different points throughout the year, so some were shown with full foliage, some with fall’s golden palette, and some bare of any leaves at all. 

“Thanks.” She mumbles. 

She notices he’d gotten a hair cut. It made his hair look thicker. And darker, somehow. It only made his face more of the focal point. 

Not her focal point, just a focal point in general. 

His focal point, however, grew a sharp scowl in the matter of a second. Rey could feel the air shift around her, and she knew Mr. Skywalker had returned before she even saw him or heard him speak. 

“Ben.” His voice sounds out, quiet and tentative. 

Rey doesn’t even dare to raise her gaze to the unfolding tension around her. 

“I should get Finn back home,” Rey does raise her head at the sound of Ben’s unsteady voice. His mouth and jaw quivered as if he was biting back every word that came to his mind. “Finn. Congratulations, again, Rey.”

Rey just nods, and she’s surprised to see Finn offer no protest, hobbling away after Ben. 

Han sighs, and Leia smacks his arm, so well versed in his antics that she knows he’s about to make a comment. He ignores her warning, and does it anyways. 

“Huh. That went shockingly well.”

* * *

Rey had no clue what happened during sleepovers. She’d never had more than Finn or Rose over at once and she’d certainly never had one or been to one before. Apparently it involved lots of junk food, questionable movies for fourteen year olds to watch, nail care, and gossiping about boys. The latter was something Rey could most _certainly_ do without. 

In Rey’s backyard, she’d set up a bunch of pillows and blankets on the trampoline for them all to lounge on. Maz had a projector screen and projector, and Rey hooked up her laptop to it so they could all watch movies.

Some were making s’mores around the little fire pit at the moment, and Rose was braiding Rey’s hair for her as they sat on the trampoline. She was about to ask what the hold up was when the collective conversation turned to hushed whispers, Rose’s hands slowed, and some of the girls climbed back up on the trampoline. 

She turned her head to the side and saw what the hold up was. 

The picket fence did nothing to separate Rey’s yard from the Solo’s when they were all sat high enough to see over it. 

Ben Solo was seemingly taking it upon himself to practice with Finn. Finn wanted to play football next year, but hadn’t played in middle school. Ben had played all through middle school and high school, according to Finn. He was tossing the ball back and forth with Finn, and had decided to forgo putting any sort of shirt on his body. 

The giggles and flushed cheeks of the girls sitting around her let her know exactly what their opinion of him was. And for some reason, it made her feel... odd.

“Is that Finn’s older brother?” Kaydel asks. 

“Ben.” Rose nods, the only one seemingly unaffected of all the girls.

He was now apparently trying to teach Finn how to tackle. Rey’s concern spiked as she saw Finn take off across the yard, full speed, at his older brother. 

There was no way he’d stop him. Ben wasn’t even trying to move. 

But when Finn reached Ben, he didn’t even flinch. His body didn’t move a centimeter. He stood, frozen in the same spot he had been for the last minute. He grabs the ball from Finn and holds it high over their heads while Finn, annoyed, tries to jump and grab it from him. In his jumping, Finn manages to catch a glimpse of the small audience. Ben follows his gaze, his hand still high above his head, holding the football captive.

Rey’s face immediately flushes as she turns away. She wanted to smack the rest of the girls and tell them to shut up, but they continued giggling and whispering anyways. 

“Hey, Finn! Ben!” Rose, the traitor, waves at them across the fence. 

They both walk over, Finn running while Ben settled for a casual stroll, grabbing a t-shirt and pulling it over his head on his way, much to Rey’s relief. 

“Painting nails and watching Nicholas Sparks movies?” Finn teases. 

“We watched that axe-murderer movie for your information,” Rey narrows her eyes. “You know… the one you _barfed_ during last year?”

Finn frowns as the girls around Rey laugh.

“Ha ha,” he purses his lips together, then his eyes catch the s’mores station over at the fire pit. “I do believe I will…”

He saunters over to the fire pit just as Ben’s making his way to the trampoline. 

“If voodoo is on the agenda, might I suggest Finn as your target?” Ben smirks, crossing his arms. 

“Way ahead of you,” Rey laughs, looking away from his fidgeting arms. “The way he eats, I’m sure he’ll leave some DNA over there somewhere.”

“So,” Ben purses his lips together, looking at Rey like he’s trying to read extremely tiny font. “How old are we now? Forty?”

“Forty-_three_, thank you,” Rey snorts. “And that must make you eighty-two, right?”

“Eighty-_seven_.” He grins.

Finn walks back over, nudging Ben’s shoulder.

“Come on,” He sighs. “I’ve only got so much time to learn how to tackle you.”

Ben laughs and starts walking away. 

“Happy Birthday, kid.” He nods back at Rey.

“Thanks, Ben.”

When they’re far enough away, the giggling resumes, in even greater force. 

“You get to see that every day, Rey?” Jessika squeals. 

“Huh? Oh. Uh. He’s not here all the time. Just summers. Breaks. He’s in college.” She shrugs. 

“I could go for an older guy,” Kaydel smirks. “Well, _that_ older guy.”

“He’s almost like, 20, Kay.” 

Rey doesn’t have to look behind her to know Rose is rolling her eyes.

“Okay, but he _is_ hot,” Lydia blushes. “I mean look at that hair…”

“No, his _lips_.” Jess fawns.

“Yeah, yeah, the face is nice, but the _rest_ of him…”

“Okay, enough ogling,” Rose huffs. “He’s our best friend’s older brother.”

“You mean you’ve seriously not thought about how cute he is, Rey?” Jess asks.

Rey thinks for a moment. She didn’t think so. She couldn’t recall ever thinking about his lips, or his… not lips. She’d noticed his hair cut once. 

She _definitely_ wasn’t going to start paying attention now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for reading. There's going to be another couple chapters after this that are fluffy and sweet, too, but after those, shit gets real. I'll make sure to reiterate the warnings when those chapters come, but for now, enjoy the cavity-inducing sweetness. :)
> 
> I hope to have the next chapter up within the next couple of days. Feel free to find me on Tumblr or Twitter @kylouwu. 
> 
> -kristen


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Rey's freshman year of high school, and there's plenty of teenage angst to go around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this will be a fluffier chapter. No warnings necessary.

“My stomach has started to self-digest.”

Rose rolls her eyes, simply dragging Rey by the arm into yet another store. 

“We’ll go eat when we’re done in here. Promise.”

Rey rolls _her_ eyes this time. 

“You said that three stores ago. Or at least I think it was three...”

Rose had somehow managed to talk Rey into coming with her while she went shopping for school clothes. Actually, it was more of Rose mentioning it when they were both in the kitchen with Maz, and then Maz enthusiastically agreeing to the idea. If Maz knew anything about her daughter by now, it was that she’d avoid any and all opportunities to shop for clothes. And Rey simply couldn’t do that much longer. Her favorite tee shirts were starting to morph into belly shirts. 

“This is cute... what do you think about this?” Rose asks. 

She holds up a small, white t-shirt bra that had baby pink polka dots all over it. Rey hadn’t even noticed what store Rose had forced her into until this very moment. It only proved to aggravate her even more. She felt exactly how she’d feel in an auto parts store—considering she didn’t have a car. 

Rey simply sighs, shrugging. 

“I mean, if you like it...”

“No, for _you_, silly,” Rose rolls her eyes. “It’s cute, right?”

“It’s wishful thinking... that’s what it is.” Rey snorts. 

Rey’d thought the logistics of her changing body before. She’d always assumed she would fall under the category of ‘late bloomer’. But since her fourteenth birthday had come and gone, she started to wonder if this was it. She still looked ten in her bathing suit. Rose, on the other hand, had started appropriately filling hers out. 

“They have other sizes, Rey,” Rose frowns. “I just pulled this one to look at it. It’s too big for me, too.”

Rey sighs again. 

“Okay, fine,” she turns her head to other identical bras fanned out in front of them. “Just not the pink polka dots.”

Rey suffers through half an hour in the glowing pink fluorescent lights before Rose relents and they leave. They make their way up to the food court, where Rey debates on spending just as much money on food as she did clothing. Once they sit down to eat, Rose’s cell phone pings and she looks around their table. 

“What is it?”

“Finn and Poe are coming. They got out of final tryouts early.” 

“Did he say whether they made it or not?” 

Finn and Poe had both been training and trying out all summer for the football team. They’d had initial tryouts back in July, and then another round just a couple weeks ago. They were supposed to know this week if they’d made it or not. 

Rey was excited for them both, even though her interest in any form of sports was nonexistent. Plus, football games would give her the excuse to eat her weight in popcorn every Friday night. 

Before she had a chance to wonder anymore, both Finn and Poe come charging toward them from across the mall, jerseys draped over their t-shirts. 

“Guess that answers that.” Rose laughs. 

“Ladies, you are now in the presence of Olive Hill’s newest JV members,” Poe announces as if he’s landed a job with ESPN. “You’re looking at your new tight end, Mr. Finn Solo, and your new wide receiver, the one and only, the _incomparable_ Mr. Poe Dameron.”

Both Rey and Rose shrug at each other. He could be speaking Latin, for all they knew. 

“That’s great,” Rey laughs. “I have no idea what it means, but that’s great.”

“Oh! See, a wide receiver is a—“

Rose interrupts Finn, shaking her head. 

“No, no, Finn. I appreciate the offer of an explanation, but it’s futile. Save your energy.”

Poe and Rey both snicker while Finn frowns. 

“So, what have you guys been up to?” Poe asks, stealing one of Rey’s fries. 

“Shopping.”

Both Rey and Rose respond simultaneously, with polar opposite emotions written on their faces. Rey’d spoken it with a dreadful groan, while Rose had announced it cheerfully. 

“What classes did you get, Rose?”

“Same as everyone else,” she shrugs. “Except for Yearbook and AP Bio.”

“AP Bio? Why would you do that to yourself?” Finn’s eyes widen. 

“Rey’s taking it, too,” Rose answers. “AP credit can be used in college. If you pass the exams, that is.”

“Your funeral,” Finn snorts. “What all are you taking, Rey?”

“The same, just Art instead of Yearbook,” she replies, fighting Poe for her fries. “Oh, and I’ll have Trig in the spring for my elective.”

“And yet, you can’t understand football.” Poe deadpans. 

“Not can’t, Poe. Won’t.” Rose corrects him, laughing. 

“How’d you even get here?” Rey blurts, the thought perplexing her. 

There’s no way they’d ridden their bikes and gotten here so quickly from the school. 

“Ben,” Poe answers. “I was surprised he’d been so willing to drive us... guess it makes sense now.”

Rey raises an eyebrow, confused until she follows his line of vision behind her to the frozen yogurt place. Ben was carefully draped over the counter, his back facing them, and there was a girl with red hair giggling from behind the counter. 

Always seemed to be a girl in a tight, arguably too low-cut polo uniform shirt, Rey thought to herself. 

“Is your brother really this stupid? He’s, like, passing all his classes, right?” Rose laughs. 

“Acing them, surprisingly,” Finn replies. “But I don’t think he’ll ever learn... _that_ lesson.”

Rey allowed herself a second glance once everyone’s faces paled. Ben was nearly pulled across the counter by his hair as the girl attached her face to his. 

Was that what kissing was supposed to be? It looked more like a dementor’s kiss, Rey thought absentmindedly. She turned her head away and forced herself to focus back on the fries she was trying to protect from Poe. And not Ben’s hair. _Definitely_ not the hair. 

* * *

“I miss the days when all a kid needed was a sheet with a couple holes in it to throw over their head.” Han grumbles.

“Oh, come on, Dad,” Finn laughs. “This is hilarious.”

A ketchup bottle. Finn was going to the Halloween dance as a ketchup bottle. Rey’d laughed for an hour when he first told her. What made the situation even _more_ wonderful was Poe’s costume. 

“Who’s gonna be the hot dog?” Han deadpans.

“Rose and Rey wouldn’t play along,” Poe frowns from inside his mustard bottle costume. “There was a hot dog costume and a french fry costume.”

“Such a shame.” Han shook his head, a hint of a smile on his mouth.

Rey made her way into the kitchen, helping Rose navigate. 

It’d taken a lot of thinking and planning to pull off, but they’d managed it all—from the signature afro on Rey’s head to the wearable easel Rose had on her body. Together, they were Bob Ross and a painting of his iconic happy trees.

It’s a definite conversation starter, Rey realizes once they’re in the crowded high school gymnasium. She was surprised by just how many people actually knew who she was. 

Her eyes find Finn and Poe across the gym, and for a second she thinks she recognizes who they’re talking to. But, once he turns around, she realizes she was mistaken. 

She also realizes she’s staring.

The boy, dressed like Travolta in ‘Grease’, had slicked back, thick brown hair and two little round dimples on either side of his smile. He was nearly a good foot taller than Finn and Poe, and quite a bit wider, judging by the way his arms nearly made his leather jacket burst at the seams. 

“Who are Finn and Poe talking to?” She goes for disinterest, hoping Rose doesn’t notice. 

“Um…” Rose cranes her neck to look. “That’s Matt, I think. Matt Connor.”

_Matt_.

Just then, Finn catches sight of Rey and Rose and waves at them to come over. 

Since she can’t really come up with an excuse, Rey lets Rose drag her over. She curses herself for thinking dressing up as Bob Ross was a good idea. She had a damn afro and fake beard on right now. Spectacular. 

Then, something weird happens.

He _likes_ her costume. 

Not only that, but he also understands the reference. 

“And let me guess… happy trees?” He looks to Rose.

“And I thought Rey was just crazy.” She laughs.

“Rey, huh?” He turns back to her. “Nice to meet you, Rey. I’m Matt.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Matt.” 

Rey sees him in passing in the hallway only a couple times in the next couple weeks. However, when she and Rose offer to volunteer for the Fall Festival decoration committee, she ends up seeing him after school nearly every day for the entire week. She and Rose, along with a handful of other students, were setting up different booths and making sure everything would be ready to go for the weekend’s festival. 

They were setting up the festival in the south side of the parking lot. That just so happened to border the football field, where practices were held after school every single day. Rey only knew the schedule because she knew Finn was never home until 6:00 most days. 

She’d grown very used to seeing Finn, Poe, and the other boys on the team walking around in football tights or basketball shorts, without their shirts on. She couldn’t exactly blame them for it. Most days, in the direct sunlight, the fall breeze just wouldn’t cut it. It was blazing hot. Less so now, of course. She figured it was just a testosterone thing at this point.

When she caught sight of Matt running toward the water coolers without his shirt on, she’d frozen right where she was standing. By the time she realized she’d been staring, it was too late. His head turned and caught sight of her. She tried to turn her head regardlessly, and ended up ceremoniously dumping the pumpkins she’d had in her hands directly onto the pavement. 

Stringy, gooey pumpkin guts exploded around her, covering her legs and her arms. 

“Of course.” Rey grumbles to herself. 

Before she can even clear the pumpkin guts from her hands, there’s footsteps running toward her. 

“You okay, Rey?”

She glances up and sees Matt standing before her, still shirtless. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Her face flushes even further. “Just… clumsy.”

He helps her clean up the disgusting blown-up pumpkin before telling her he’d see her later. Rose all but loses her mind when he finally leaves, pouncing on Rey immediately. Rey assures her he was just being nice, and that no, she didn’t like him. 

Because she _didn’t_ like him.

Right?

* * *

Leia wasn’t sure which would have a coronary first. Han had the physical advantage on Rey, with his age and dietary habits. But Rey’s internalized rage and rising blood pressure were bringing her closer to the front of the race.

“...Santa Claus won’t make me happy with a toy on Christmas Day!”

It was blaring from the car’s speakers. Mariah’s high note was about to be so loud and so high that it would crack the windows of the car. 

Rey was hoping for that. At least Finn and Poe would shut the hell up. 

She should’ve rode with Maz and Chewie. She had every chance to. But, no... Rey loves her friends and gives them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not complete imbeciles and gets proven wrong every single time. 

There wasn’t enough ibuprofen on the planet for the headache she was developing. 

When they finally get to the familiar ski resort, Rey tells them both they should go sledding out back. That the slope was _totally_ safe. 

Poe was all for it until Finn explained she was trying to seriously injure them. His phone started buzzing over and over as a series of text messages from Rose kept piling in. 

“She ain’t happy.” Poe winces. 

“What now?” Finn asks. 

“It’s Sam. He won’t leave her alone now.” Poe snorts. 

“You gave him her number? That’s not cool, Poe.” Rey crosses her arms. 

“Oh, chill out, peanut,” Poe rolls his eyes. “I’ll give you Matt’s if you want it.”

The insinuation, sick and sweet and sticky and gross, is clear in his voice. 

“Why would you do that?” Rey’s not giving him an inch. 

“Cause you _like_ him, duh,” Finn joins in. “You’ve gone all googly-eyed for him.”

“You’re both crazy. I don’t like him. I don’t even know him.”

“Uh huh,” Poe grins devilishly. “So, what, you just decided to platonically chat with Rose about his hair... how tall he is... his lips—“

“I’m surprised you can use ‘platonically’ correctly in a sentence, Poe,” Rey deadpans, hiding her internal misery. “Talking about what someone looks like does _not_ mean you like them.”

“So you don’t want his number?” Poe smirks. 

“No,” Rey rolls her eyes. “I don’t even have a phone.”

She manages to redirect the conversation after that, thank God, and they switch to the topic of Finn’s brother and his impending arrival. 

“He’s bringing Madison,” Finn says nonchalantly. “Mom’s thrilled.”

“I thought he didn’t do ‘girlfriends’.” Rey raises an eyebrow. 

“I don’t think he’s actually called this one a girlfriend,” Finn laughs. “She’s only staying for one night, anyways. She’s taking Ben’s room and Ben has to stay with me. Mom’s given me strict orders.”

“Is she in college, too?” Poe asks. 

“Yeah, she’s a freshman, I think,” Finn shrugs. “I’ve seen a picture of her once. Total sorority chick.”

“Smell the spray tan from a mile away?” Rey giggles. 

“And the bleached hair.” He adds. 

Finn wasn’t lying. 

Madison’s hair was as blindingly white as her skin was dark. In the middle of winter. 

Ben had followed in behind her, carrying both his bag and hers. She seemed kind enough at first, but even Ben seemed a little awkward when she insisted on being clingy with him around his family. She sat right beside him, or on his lap, at all times. Even when there was plenty of other places around him to sit. Her arms stayed glued around his neck, and her face was nearly pressed up against his 24/7. She was kind enough to speak to, at least. And she seemed genuinely interested when Ben asked how Rey’s classes were going and about her artwork. 

“So no renditions of the Mona Lisa yet?” He grinned. 

Rey absentmindedly noted that he had dimples... not rounded ones—more like wrinkle lines. But in a good way. They were longer when he smiled widely, and just barely visible when he grinned. 

“I’m no Leonardo.” Rey laughs. 

“Like DiCaprio?”

It takes a moment to register that Madison had actually spoken to her. And then it takes another second to wonder what the hell she was talking about. 

Then, the hardest part of all is not laughing. Rey screams at herself to not be a jerk and keep it together. Plenty of people didn’t know about Da Vinci or the Mona Lisa, right? Especially people in college... 

She notices that Ben’s face isn’t showing any signs of shock. It’s as if he’d known she’d say that. He looks not quite annoyed, but not quite apathetic either. And she can tell he’s trying not to crack up, too. 

“Uh, no, it’s Da Vinci. Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa in 1503.” Rey manages a polite response. 

“Wow,” she laughs. “You’re like really smart.”

She’s incredibly thankful that Finn decides to barge in from outside at that moment and she doesn’t have to try and speak to no-brain-Madison anymore. Is that _really_ what guys looked for in a girl? Pretty and no brain? 

Leia consumes the entirety of a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc that night at dinner, and Han knocks back way more liquor than he should. She even spied Ben taking a couple shots from Han’s whiskey bottle in the kitchen while on a ‘bathroom break’. 

Rey’s woken up early the next morning by heavy footsteps and rolling luggage. 

Madison’s visit had been cut short. 

Poe ends up leaving the day before Christmas Eve. Rey’s almost glad. He won’t be able to pester her about Matt anymore. Until the spring semester, at least. 

Maz hands Rey a small wrapped box Christmas morning. Everyone had already torn through their designated boxes and bags by this point, so Rey’s confusion isn’t totally uncalled for. She removes the paper haphazardly and stares at the box for a long minute. 

It’s an iPhone box. 

She immediately shakes it. 

“Careful, there, kid,” Chewie reaches out to gently still her hand, laughing. “They’re not bulletproof.”

“There’s actually a phone in there?” She blurts. 

“No, it’s a pair of mittens,” Finn rolls his eyes. “What else would it be, Rey?”

Ben smacks his brother on the head, effectively silencing him. 

She carefully removes the lid and sees a shiny black iPhone. 

“Chewie tried to get me to buy pink,” Maz scoffs with a grin. “I said, ‘for my _stellina_?’ No way.”

Rey can’t help the tear that falls from the outer corner of her eye, even as she laughs along with Maz. She’d be tickled with a pink phone. Even a pink Nokia phone from the nineties. This was...

“This is too much, Maz,” Rey shakes her head. “I can imagine just how much it—“

“Nonsense,” Maz shakes her head. “It gives Chewie and I some peace of mind, too. You’re a good girl, Rey. A wonderful, perfect daughter. You never ask for anything and always try to give more.”

“We love you, kid.”

It’s Chewie’s words that make her break, and her fear of crying publicly that makes her fling her body into his chest. She hides her face and hides her little sobs to the best of her ability, finally pulling away when she’s managed some semblance of composure. 

Finn doesn’t mention her crying. Somehow, she feels he knows what she’s going through, to an extent. They both had that common denominator, no matter what. 

Instead, when Rey ends up glued to her phone at the end of the night, sitting alone on the couch, Finn comes down to help her set it up. He puts the most important contacts in, including all of his family, and then shows her how to make an Instagram. 

“I’m not really big on social media, Finn.” She frowns. 

“Instagram could be your big break. You could post your artwork.” He suggests. 

It’s not the worst idea he’s ever had. 

Rey ends up falling asleep on the couch, phone dangling in her hand, and Finn makes his way back upstairs, half-asleep already. 

There’s barely a hint of daylight peeking in from the windows when she stirs the next morning, hearing the telltale sounds of the coffee pot. Her brain doesn’t really register anything until she hears footsteps. She reluctantly pulls her body up off the couch and looks to the kitchen, expecting to find Leia. 

Instead, she sees Ben. 

_Shirtless_ Ben. 

She immediately ducks back down behind the confines of the couch, face flushing bright red. 

What was the deal? She’d seen plenty of shirtless guys before. She’d been to practices with Finn and Poe and the rest of the football team. And they had no intention for modesty. That never bothered her. She’d never noticed a one. Apart from Matt. 

And it still hadn’t made her _this_ antsy. 

Her head peeks up one more time, and this time he’s reaching up above the top cabinets, his whole body stretching as he does. 

She doesn’t immediately dart back down to the couch this time. It’s her body’s reaction that startles her and finally breaks her staring fit. Her limbs had all turned to jello. Her ears hummed, mouth dried, and her chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. 

It scared the hell out of her. When she heard his footsteps growing closer, she immediately went into panic mode, closing her eyes and doing her best sleep imitation. 

She could feel her heart pounding as she heard his footsteps moving around the couch. 

Didn’t he see her? What was he doing? 

Somehow she manages not to jump out of her skin a moment later when she feels a blanket being draped over her body. The footsteps fade up the stairs and Rey lets out a ragged breath. 

She couldn't shake one thing out of her head.

Why had she compared him to Matt?

* * *

Rey had assured Leia again and again that this _totally_ didn’t bother her.

When she’d brought Rey to the morgue, simply to let her ask questions to the medical examiner, she’d arranged for anything _unsavory_ to be out of sight. Rey wasn’t exactly a child anymore, but she was still fourteen. Leia didn’t want to scare her. 

However, when they did make it to the ice cold lab, there was a covered body laying on an examination table. The entire body, except for the feet, was completely covered up. 

“Rey, I’m sorry, I’ll have—“

“It’s fine,” Rey shakes her head, dying to get under that sheet and watch the ME dissect it. If Finn was here he’d tell her she was mental. Well, _after_ he barfed his guts up. “Really. It doesn’t bother me.”

“I’m sorry, Leia,” the ME addresses Leia. “Bit of a time crunch on this one. I tried calling your office earlier.”

“It’s fine, Andi,” Leia shrugs it off. “Rey, this is Dr. Andrea Romaine. Andi, this is Rey Kanata. Maz and Chewie’s daughter. And basically mine and Han’s.”

The woman laughs and finishes washing her hands before walking over and shaking Rey’s hand. Rey imagined she was maybe ten years or so younger than Leia. She had on a wedding ring. And there were photos of small children on her little desk. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Rey,” she smiles. “Leia’s told me all about you. Thinking about a job like this?”

“I’m leaning towards being a detective,” Rey nods. “I like all of this, the forensics and medical science... but being a detective has always seemed cool to me.”

“It is pretty cool,” Andi smiles. “And Leia makes it seem much cooler.”

Leia just rolls her eyes. 

“Well, Rey, if you wanna come see the back of the lab, where we do testing and all sorts of other cool stuff,” she nods for Leia and Rey to follow her. “I’m sorry for the smell. It always smells like this in here.”

“Formaldehyde?” Rey asks. 

“Smart girl.” Andi raises an eyebrow. 

“It always smells like this in the back of my AP Bio lab.”

“Do you know what it’s used for?” Andi asks her. 

“A little bit of everything,” Rey answers. “It’s used to make resins, which are used to manufacture all sorts of things. And then it can be used as a fixer to keep samples of different tissues.”

“Leia, the kid’s got nothing to worry about. She’s smarter than I was at her age. That’s for sure. Maz should be proud.” Andi laughs. 

“I know. So does Maz,” Leia grins down at Rey. “What Maz doesn’t know is that I’m already filing for joint custody.”

The next morning, after discussing it with Rey, Leia had arranged for Rey to meet with Luke so she could gather some advice on her pieces for the Spring Art Exhibit. She hadn’t really seen much of Luke since she’d moved on to high school, so Rey was happy to finally get to see him again. 

“It’s good to see you again, Rey.” He smiles warmly at her, sitting down on a wooden stool across the small room from her. 

Rey was using Leia’s greenhouse in the backyard for her paintings. She’d asked her if it would be okay when she’d first decided on the subject of her paintings. She’d decided on Maz and Chewie. A series of still-life portraits that captured them in the midst of everyday tasks. 

Luke loved the idea immediately.

“You’ve got an eye,” He looks through her unfinished works, and she shows him the comparisons from the photos on her phone she used to work off of. “Even the angles are great… the way the light hits, and the emphasis on shadows and sunlight… These are going to be fantastic, Rey.”

“Thanks.” Rey can’t help but smile. “I just… I find it hard to make them as realistic as I want… They end up seeming too… I don’t know. Cartoonish? Or… not real enough.”

“Real life is hard to portray with paint,” He tells her. “I’d recommend sketching. Sketch their faces over and over… different angles, lighting… it’ll help when you go to finish the faces.”

“That’s a good idea,” Rey nods. “I’ll try that.”

“You’ve got an incredible talent here, Rey,” Luke smiles. “I think Leia was hoping one of her boys would take it up, but they both seemed to become interested in sports instead. Ben painted for a little while, but not long.”

“He did?” Rey can’t hide the surprise in her voice. “Did he work with you?”

“No,” Luke sighs. “He had… he had another mentor then in the short time he took lessons. Someone I… I’d been friends with once upon a time.”

Luke’s tone was enough to warn Rey from pushing the subject any further for the rest of the evening. 

Finn’s birthday party the next weekend was proving to be quite the affair. Rey was certain he’d invited literally the entire Olive Hill High School student body, and quite a few others, as well. They were having it at Finn’s house, and Leia had recruited both Chewie and Han to man the grills, flipping burgers and hot dogs for a solid hour or two. 

Poe seemed to be occupied and totally in his element as he grinned and cracked jokes for Kaydel. He had her eating out of the palm of his had. Rose, on the other hand, had been sitting near them and decided she’d had all she could handle after she realized Poe had no ‘off’ switch. She made her way to where Rey was sitting. 

“Had enough?” Rey laughs.

“After just a single _second_.” Rose groans. “Have you seen Finn, by chance? He’s the birthday boy and I haven’t even seen him around.”

“I haven’t, actually,” Rey frowns, wondering where he’s at. She knew Leia would have the cake out in a minute. “I’m gonna go look inside. Be right back.”

Rey makes her way through every room downstairs, not seeing a trace of him. She walks up the stars, and before she can even come within seeing distance of Finn’s bedroom door, she hears it.

Crying. 

Finn’s crying. 

Finn _never_ cried. 

She pads softly toward his door and knocks gently.

“Finn? It’s me.”

“Oh, uh… I’ll, um… I’ll be down in a second.” His voice breaks.

“Finn, let me in. What’s going on?” Rey asks softly.

A moment later, the door opens slowly, and Rey makes her way inside Finn’s room. His face is soaked in tears and his eyes are bloodshot. 

“What’s wrong, Finn?” 

“Rey, I’m scared,” His voice shakes, and Rey’s spine tingles. She doesn’t like this at all. “I just…”

“Finn, you can talk to me,” Rey shakes her head. “About anything. You’re my best friend, and _nothing_ will change that. Tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”

“Promise you won’t laugh… or tell… or hate me.” He lowers his head.

“I could never hate you, Finn. Ever.”

He takes a deep breath, and more silent tears flow from his eyes.

“I’m gay, Rey.”

This was definitely not what she’d expected to hear. Her brain processes for a minute, and the room stays eerily silent. He was afraid… of what? That she’d laugh at him for being him? Or hate him for being him? 

“Finn, you’re still my best friend. And I still love you just as much as a minute ago.”

“You’re not upset?” 

“Not in the slightest,” She shakes her head. “Only that you’re upset… What brought this on? I mean… that you’re sad now. Did something happen? Do Leia and Han—“

“No! No, they don’t know,” He panics. “_Please_… I don’t think I’m ready to…”

“I won’t, I promise,” Rey assures him. “I won’t tell a soul. No one.”

“There’s more, though, Rey…”

Rey slowly raises an eyebrow.

“I like Poe.”

It hits Rey like a ton of bricks. Poe and Kaydel. Finn had been used to Poe being his best friend for so long, and now…

“Is he…?”

“I thought… I thought he might be… He’d held my hand… kissed my cheek. When we were at the ski resort for Christmas. We didn’t talk about it, though.” Finn sighs.

“Maybe you should talk to him about it.” 

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I’d rather have him as my friend than nothing at all because I screwed it up.” 

Rey’s heart broke for Finn. There was no easy way to fix this. And that’s all she desired to do. She wanted to take away her best friend’s pain. 

“If you do talk to him… and you want someone with you… I’m here. For whatever you need, Finn.” Rey takes his hands into hers.

“Thanks, Rey,” He smiles as Rey moves to wrap her arms around him. “I can’t tell you how much this means to me. For you to understand.”

“Any time, peanut,” She squeezes tighter. “Do you think you’ll be okay to come downstairs for cake? Your mom’s just about got it ready, I think.”

Finn hesitates for a moment.

“I’ll be right there with you.” Rey says.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

* * *

Maz was a crier in general, but Rey was seriously afraid she was going to pass out from dehydration.

Her paintings for her Art Exhibit had _definitely_ went over well with Maz and Chewie. 

Everyone seemed to like them, in fact. Her new art teacher, Ms. Erso, joked about being so heartbroken that Rey didn’t want to pursue art as a career. Rey’d jumped at the offer to help her with her art lessons for elementary aged kids throughout the summer. She’d even started counting down the days. Since the high school’s art exhibits were held much closer to spring than summer, Rey only had a couple weeks until the first week of June, when school would end.

Rey’s smile at Luke’s arrival was short lived when she saw who walked in shortly after him. Of course she’d known Leia and Han would be there, along with Finn. But Ben’s presence was shocking. Especially since she hadn’t even seen or spoken to him since Christmas break. And she’d hardly spoken to him then.

She figured it was because of his mother. Finn’s family was practically Rey’s family, too, by now, and coming to Rey’s art exhibits was a family affair. 

Luke offers a hug and quick congratulations before he moves on to examine her work and the other students’ work more carefully. Leia and Han, of course, had seen the paintings throughout Rey’s construction of them. They stayed and fawned over them with Maz and Chewie. 

When Ben made his way over to them, along with Finn, Rey kept yelling at her brain to not mention Luke.

And what does she do _first_ thing after he congratulates and compliments her work?

“Thanks,” She feels her face flush. “I was a little worried I wouldn’t get the faces right but Luke helped me…”

If there was a proverbial hole she could fall into, right now would be a good time to jump in head first.

“I think they look great,” Ben doesn’t seem to care. She takes a second to look at him while his face was fixed on her artwork in the distance. “Looks just like them… a more artistic version, of course. They’re almost... fluid. Were you going for—“

“Movement? Yeah,” Rey breathes. “That’s why I chose that particular brush stroke pattern… They’re still life paintings, but I wanted them to… move.”

“Yeah,” Ben nods, finally looking back down at Rey. “You nailed it, kid.”

“Thanks.” Rey’s afraid her cheeks might stay permanently red. 

Just then, Luke makes his way back and speaks briefly with Leia and Han.

“Congratulations again, Rey. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks… and thanks for the help, too.” Rey tries to keep it short, fearing the possibility of a spontaneous altercation. 

Ben apparently notices Rey’s discomfort before Luke leaves, and he sighs loudly.

“I’m sorry… if it’s… with him…” Rey hurries to try and diffuse the theoretical bomb that may or may not go off.

“It’s okay,” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry if you were worried. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I… okay.”

“Things… they’re just complicated between… Luke. And me.”

Rey looks up to see Ben’s face isn’t tense or hardened. It’s just... _sad_. 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! the next chapter will detail Rey's life at 15, and then things will get pretty serious. chapter five will be where our content warnings come in to play, so I'll make sure to reiterate that. definitely don't want to trigger anything for anyone. as always, comments and constructive criticism are always welcome :) 
> 
> hopefully, it won't be long before the next chapter is up, since I'm off work for a while. we'll see how that works out, though.... 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr or twitter @kylouwu
> 
> -kristen


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey morphs into your typical 15 year-old, developing and promptly harboring certain feelings before she can allow herself to dwell on them. Finn's own feelings remain, as well, as he continues to deal with his own personal crisis. It all culminates with Rey's third Christmas trip and some shocking news that connects Ben and Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty big, but there was a lot of ground to cover in this last one before the big one. The only warnings necessary for this one is a character death, and it's at the very end of the chapter. The rest should be fine other than the feels and more frequent foul language... (Rey is fifteen now, after all :P)

She would’ve much rather spent the day at the DMV, but apparently parties were the more socially acceptable method of celebrating your birthday. There had to be a good fifty people here in Rey’s backyard, and she barely knew most of them.

It was nice, though. Since Rey had a pool in her backyard and the weather was sweltering at the very beginning of July, it was only fitting that she had a pool party. She’d told Maz she only wanted one thing at this party and that was a pumpkin pie instead of a birthday cake. Rey told her she could buy cake to feed the rest of the people that would show up, but Rey would blow her fifteen candles out atop a glorious pumpkin pie. 

And so she did. 

Finn and Poe wouldn’t make it until half an hour later than the party started because of football practice. When they did turn up, they turned up with half the football team. Rey squirmed when she saw Matt. He followed both Finn and Poe as they made their way to where Rose and Rey were standing. 

“Happy Birthday, peanut!” Finn hugs her immediately. 

Poe throws himself into the hug and starts singing an awful rendition of ‘Happy Birthday to You’. 

“Thanks... but you’re crushing me,” Rey grunts, attempting to peel the two goons off of her. “And making my ears bleed... _Poe_.”

They both relinquish their hold on her and she breathes in, refilling her collapsed lungs. 

“Happy Birthday, Bob Ross.” Matt smiles. 

“Thanks.” Rey giggles. 

Wait. 

Did she just _giggle_? There was a clear difference in laughing and giggling. One was normal and the other was... not so normal. Unless you were twelve. She’s not been twelve for a while now. 

“There’s, um... there’s pizza and stuff on the other side of the pool if you guys are hungry.” 

Rey turns her brain to the one thing she was always comfortable talking about. Food. 

The three boys end up all but running for the food table and Rey’s left with Rose’s perfectly arched eyebrow. 

“Is someone crushing?” Rose smirks. 

“No, Rose,” Rey rolls her eyes, but her cheeks are red. “He’s... I mean he’s cool, but... I don’t know. Sometimes he seems a bit—“

“Teenage boy-ish?”

“You can’t exactly expect him to act like anything else.” Rey laughs. 

“Happy Birthday, Rey!”

Rey almost does it. She almost throws herself onto the grass and throws a fit. 

“Thanks.” She plasters a small smile on her face. 

“Hey, Mitaka,” Rose takes hold of the situation. “Is that your brother that brought you?”

“Yeah, that’s Dominic.”

Rey turns her head and sees where Rose is looking. There’s an older guy standing beside—

“Ben’s here?” Rey blurts, absentmindedly. 

“Guess so,” Rose shrugs. “He must know your brother, Mitaka.”

“He graduated with Ben, I think.” Mitaka says. 

Later, when Rey’s just about had her fill of the party, Maz pulls her over to the small crowd of people left in her back yard. Rose, Poe, and Finn were still there, with Kaydel and Jess. Leia and Han had popped over, and she could see Ben and Chewie talking by the patio doors. 

“What the heck is that?” Rey raises both eyebrows. 

There was... well, _something_. Under a giant white bedsheet. With a red ribbon bow on top. 

“That’s from Han, Leia, Ben, and Finn.” Maz smiles. 

Rey turns to Finn who just grins like a devil. 

She laughs nervously before gently pulling off the sheet. 

She gasps immediately. 

It’s an easel. A huge easel. And it’s not some flimsy thing. It’s bulky and beautiful and it’s made out of dark stained wood and golden metal accents... and that’s not even all. 

There’s a matching wooden box propped up on the tray of the easel, along with an oval palette, a cup of professional brushes, and a stack of canvases and papers. She reaches out and opens the wooden box, and sees the goldmine inside. There’s acrylics, oil based paints, watercolors, charcoal. 

“I... tell me something stupid so I don’t cry.” Rey hisses at Finn. 

“Huh?”

“Tell. Me. Something. Stupid.” She reiterates, already feeling her eyes burn. 

“Something stupid.” Finn repeats with an idiotic smile on his face. 

That does the trick. Rey laughs and feels her heavy heart start to lighten. 

“Did you think of this?” Rey asks Finn. 

“I would like to take the credit, but no,” He shakes his head. “All Mom and Dad, I guess. More likely Mom.”

She runs over to where Han and Leia had joined Chewie and Ben. She immediately wraps her arms around Leia. 

“You like it, dear?” Leia laughs. 

“Like it? Are you crazy? It’s perfect.”

“We can’t take all the credit,” Leia admits. “Ben gave me the idea to buy painting tools and supplies.”

Ben?

She tentatively glances over at Ben, who’s smile isn’t smug like Finn’s was. It’s just genuine. He seems pleased she’s happy. 

“Since you’re on track to be the next Van Gogh,” Ben uncrosses his arms and stuffs then into his pockets. “It’s only logical you have stuff like that to work with.”

“Thank you, Ben. All of you,” she turns her head from Ben once he crosses his arms again. “I love it.”

She feels a tap on her side and sees Maz walking up to her with a small wrapped box. 

“Maz... I told you I didn’t want anything... this party was more than—“

“Oh, hush,” she stops Rey with a smile. “I didn’t buy this. So, technically I stayed within your rules, _stellina_.”

Rey takes the box and unwraps it, fully aware that it’s a jewelry box. She opens the lid and her eyes widen. It’s a golden necklace. A tiny, very thin golden chain with a single tiny star dangling from it. 

“It’s beautiful, Maz,” Rey continues to stare at the necklace. It really was gorgeous. Not flashy at all, which Rey was thankful for. “Where’d you get it?”

“It was my mother’s. And her mother’s, too.” 

Wait.

A star. 

“_Stellina_?” Rey almost bursts into tears. 

“My mother called me that so much I thought it was my actual name as a young girl,” Maz laughs, her own eyes watering. “She’d say, ‘you’re more than my sun, _stellina_, you’re also my star’. Then on _my_ fifteenth birthday, she gave me this and told me about her mother giving it to her when she was my age.”

There’s no way to fight it. Rey’s totally crying now. 

And then it slips. It just feels right. Necessary. She’d toyed with the idea for a year but was afraid Maz might not be on board. 

“Thanks, Mom.” Rey mumbles into Maz’s shoulder. 

She hears a single sob break from Maz. 

“You’re more than welcome, daughter. I love you so, _so_ much.”

“Love you, too.”

* * *

The second week of July marks the first week of Rey’s volunteering with Ms. Erso. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous. Ms. Erso was kind and Rey liked her. The idea of being around young kids made Rey a little nervous, though. Babies and toddlers were all Rey had experience with. She was really good with babies and toddlers. When they began to talk back? Not so much.

“Rey! It’s good to see you,” Ms. Erso greets her as Rey walks into the library Monday morning. Ms. Erso had feared the kids getting into everything in the high school’s art room, so she rearranged things in the library to accommodate the kids. “How’s your summer been so far?” 

“Good,” Rey smiles. “I actually got a bunch of painting supplies last week. A really cool easel, paints, brushes... I’m excited to break them in.”

“That’s awesome, Rey,” Ms. Erso smiles. “You’ll have to show me what you come up with.”

“I will.”

Half an hour later, the hoard of children flood into the library, as an in indiscriminate blob of screams and energy. 

Four hours later, Rey slams her body down into the chair and slams her forehead into the table in the art room. 

“That bad?” Finn asks. 

She vaguely notices that both Finn and Poe smelled atrocious after football practice. She couldn’t even verbally acknowledge it though. She was mentally and physically exhausted. 

“They’re like... non-stop,” Rey groans. “If you could harness the clearly radioactive shit that’s flowing in their bloodstreams, the earth would be set with a source of never-ending renewable energy.”

“Language!” Poe smirks. 

“Fuck you. I’d rather have been with you guys, being tackled and thrown into the dirt repeatedly.” 

“The kid turns fifteen and she gets all mouthy on us.” Poe laughs. 

“Nah, I’ve heard her like this before,” Finn laughs. “You should’ve heard her when she sprained her ankle a couple Christmases ago... Ben had to take her snow boot off because her foot was swelling. The only reason we weren’t laughing was because she was in pain.”

“I think your brother naturally elicits that response in most females, Finn.” Poe laughs. 

The memory floods Rey’s brain. She remembers most of it, especially how much her foot hurt. She also remembers feeling like she was floating when Ben carried her back to the house. She wondered what he’d _look_ like, what it’d _feel_ like, him carrying her now—

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Rey stands up abruptly. “I’ll be right back.”

She practically sprints down the hall, bursting through the bathroom door and running to the sink, splashing her face with cold water. 

“No. Don’t you _dare_ start that train of thought,” she hisses to her reflection in the mirror. “Ben is twenty. You are _fifteen_. And he’s practically your brother. We’re not going there. Ever.”

She scolds her reflection even further, swearing to herself she’d never think of him in that way again. It was just a fluke. An exhaustion-induced fluke. 

It would _not_ happen again. 

That weekend, Chewie takes Rey to the DMV. She’d been waiting for this day for months. She’d studied every inch of the New York State Driving Examination Handbook, and was ready to rub her learner’s permit in Finn’s face. Finn had failed twice already and insisted Rey would never pass on her first try. 

Rey drove home and straight into Finn’s driveway, gloating by pressing the car horn and drawing Finn out of the house. 

“Can’t get it on the first try, huh?” Rey smirks, the newfound power coming from the freshly printed piece of plastic with her face on it that she was currently waving in his face. 

“Ok, ok, I get it,” Finn rolls his eyes. “Show off.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” She says sweetly, and Finn just glares at her. “Hop in. We’ll go get a shake. Well, I’ll drive us to go get a shake.” 

Chewie’d already suggested the idea, and Rey couldn’t think of a better way to rub in the idea than to drive Finn around. 

She drives them to the local diner where Finn gets his signature strawberry shake and Rey gets chocolate. Their usuals. Finn takes Rey’s permit to examine it, and they both end up laughing at how ridiculous she looks. Way too happy for a photo taken at the DMV. 

When they get back to Finn’s, Chewie heads inside to speak to Han, and Finn and Rey end up hanging out in the car. Rey asks how Finn’s doing with Poe. 

“We don’t really talk about it,” Finn shakes his head. “It hurts less now that he isn’t really hanging out with Kaydel. I feel like he might just need time. He pretends to be this big strong guy, like nothing could ever bother him... I just wonder if he’s more scared than I am.”

Rey smiles solemnly, leaning her head on Finn’s shoulder. 

“I joke with you all the time, Finn, but you might be the smartest dude I know. I think you’re exactly right.”

“Can I get that last part in a recording?”

She raises her head, laughing and shoving his arm with her elbow. 

“Just be patient. That would be my best idea. Give him time. Space. But always be honest. If he asks you explicitly how you feel, you shouldn’t lie.”

Finn sighs. 

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Can I get that in a recording?” She mocks him and he rolls his eyes. 

They both exit the car and Finn starts toward the house. Rey’s grabbing her jacket from the car when she sees headlights approaching slowly. 

“Hey, Rey!”

She notices the voice almost immediately. 

It’s Matt. 

“Oh, hey,” she turns to see where Finn is and notices he’s already in the house. “Finn’s inside, if you—“

He turns off his car and hops out, hands moving to his pockets. 

“I was dropping my friend Nick off... he lives at the end of this street. Thought that was you. How’s your summer going?”

“Uh, good,” She smiles. For some reason, she doesn’t have the same nerves she usually did around him. No, these nerves were different. Like a warning from her own body. “Just got my learner’s today. I’d been driving around.”

She notions to the car she’s standing in front of. Matt makes his way to where she’s at, his hand darting out to rest beside where her neck was on the top of the car. 

She immediately felt the red flags. She tried to distract him. 

“I should probably get inside, Finn was—“

“What’s the rush, huh?” His grin is... _revolting_. 

He moves his other hand to the other side of her neck, effectively trapping her. 

“Matt, I’m not interested in, um—“

“Oh, come on... don’t do me like that, babe,” His body moves closer. “I’ve seen how you look at me.”

She’s just getting ready to knee his damn crotch when another set of headlights come into view and slow as they get closer and then pull into the driveway. Matt only moves one of his arms. 

Rey watches, as much as she can with her head turned just enough to keep from getting any closer to Matt, as Ben steps out of his Jeep. 

She breathes in a sigh of relief. 

“Rey?” He asks, cautious. His eyes are nowhere near her. They’re fixed like vices on Matt. 

“I should probably go say ‘hi’,” She blurts and moves through the opening on the side where he’d dropped one of his arms. 

“I’ll see you around, Rey.” Matt doesn’t look at her either. He looks at Ben. 

Rey all but runs toward the familiar Jeep when she’s sure Matt is gone. 

“Are you okay, Rey? Did he hurt you? Say something?” Ben asks, and as soon as she’s in reach, he gently reaches for her upper arms, looking her over. 

“No,” she shakes her head, but then scatters to rephrase. “I’m fine, I mean... he didn’t touch me or anything. He was just... persistent.”

“You think he’ll try anything else?” He asks her. 

“Doubt it,” Rey replies. “I’ve never been around him unless I’m with other people. If he does, I’ll just kick his balls, like I was about to.”

Ben shakes his head and laughs. 

“I don’t think it’d hurt to break his nose while you’re at it,” He flattens his mouth for a moment. “Was Finn around when he got here?”

“No, he’d just gone inside. I was reluctant to leave the car... just got this bad boy.”

She holds up her learner’s permit, with its blaring statement of ‘THIS IS NOT A VALID DRIVER’S LICENSE’ only making Ben find it even more endearing. 

“Please tell me you shoved it in Finn’s face the second you got it.”

“Of course.” She scoffs playfully, as if there was any other option. 

“C’mon,” he laughs. “Let’s go inside.”

* * *

Since Poe was already sixteen and his parents had bought him a sedan from the early 2000s, he was in charge of making sure the rest of the quartet’s bus riding days were limited during their sophomore year. Rey had wondered how Poe wasn’t in the junior class with him being sixteen, almost seventeen already, and Finn stepped in to explain that Poe was “a dumbass child”. Poe only agreed. He’d been held back in first grade.

“Do kids in first grade even get held back?” He’d laughed hysterically at his own expense. 

All four end up having the same English class after homeroom, and once they all notice an unfamiliar face sit next to their little huddle, Poe immediately moves to be their self-appointed PR spokesman, so to speak. 

“Hi! I’m Poe Dameron,” He announces to the girl who was clearly nervous to be in a room of people she obviously didn’t know. “This is Finn Solo, Rose Tico, and Rey Kanata. Are you new here? I didn’t recognize you.”

“Um, yeah,” She responds. “I’m Kira Lang.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Kira.” Rose smiles. 

They notice some of the idiots from the football team, ones that Poe and Finn specifically hated with every fiber of their being, in the back of the room whispering and laughing as they stole glances at Kira. 

Kira definitely noticed. 

“Ignore them,” Rose speaks up. “They’re assholes. Believe me.”

Rose had told Rey about when she’d first moved to Olive Hill. Her mother’s family had come from Vietnam in the 60s, and her father met her mother in a Vietnamese college club. Her own mother and father had moved her and Paige here when Rose was 7. She said she’d suffered comments regarding her eyes and her appearance for an entire year before they finally started to die down. And that it’s continued off and on since. 

Rey couldn’t stand it. 

She stood up immediately and sought out the still-laughing idiots.

“Hey, assholes,” She shouted loud enough for them to hear. She was lucky Mrs. Trenton wasn’t in the room. They stopped laughing long enough to look at her. “Think you could use more than one of your brain cells, collectively, and quit acting like idiots?”

“Did you seriously just call us—“ One starts, clearly mad about his masculinity being knocked down a few pegs. 

“What are you gonna do, hotshot? Snitch on me? Sounds good. We’ll both snitch.”

The anger radiates from her body and she notices that not a single soul in the room is daring to make a sound. 

“That’s what I thought.” She rolls her eyes before sitting back down.

Mrs. Trenton walks back in not even a second later, praising the class for how well behaved they were being. Rey just scoffs. 

“Remind me not to get on your bad side,” Poe leans over to whisper to Rey. “Like, ever.”

After a couple weeks of hanging out with Kira at school, Rose and Rey invite her to go with them to the mall one weekend. Rey begs Rose to let them go to the food court first since she hadn’t ate and she knew Rose well enough to know she’d be shopping for hours. For a girl who didn’t really like typical girly shit, Rose could sure shop like one. Just not for anything pink, frilly, or sparkly. 

Kira’s oddly quiet—more so than usual. She speaks up after they’re all just about finished eating. 

“Mitaka asked me out,” She blurts. “On a date.”

Rose and Rey are both silent for a moment. 

“Are you gonna go?” Rose asks with a smile.

“I… I told him I’d think about it,” She looks at Rey. “I heard… that he’d liked you for a while, Rey… I didn’t want to…”

“Oh,” Rey raises her eyebrows. “No, it’s no… Believe me. You should go out with him if that’s what you want. I assure you it’s not going to bother me.”

_At all_.

“Oh, good,” Kira breathes, laughing lightly. “I was worried you’d be mad.”

“Of course not,” Rey smiles. “If you like him, you should go for it.”

_On behalf of the rest of the female civilization, please do_. 

* * *

“She’s _what_?”

“She’s pregnant! I’m gonna be an aunt! I’ll have a baby niece or nephew.” Rose beams. 

Rey wasn’t exactly surprised. Paige had been married half a year now. She wasn’t expecting that to be the news Rose was so desperately wanting to share, though.

Rose and Rey are both deep into the conversation involving Rose’s announcement—so much so that neither one notice the chaos approaching until it’s nearly too late. 

“Oh my god…”

Rey turns after hearing Rose and seeing her eyes widen and dart behind Rey. 

It’s Finn. And Poe. They’re trying to stop someone from walking down the hallway. 

Matt.

“Get the fuck off me.” The asshole sneers.

His path is clear; he’s headed straight for where Rose and Rey are standing. 

Finn runs out from behind him, reaching the girls before he can. He stands in front of them defensively.

“What’s going on?” Rey demands.

“Rey, you should go…” Finn pleads.

“What? No. What’s he doing? Did he say something?” 

“Ah, isn’t this cute,” Matt snarls as he reaches Finn. “Listen, man… if she won’t fuck me, she’s definitely not gonna fuck you.”

“Rey is my best friend, and she’s a good person, and she doesn’t deserve to be spoken to that way,” Finn is surprisingly calm. “I would suggest you shut the hell up and walk away before things get ugly.”

“Me? _Me_ walk away? The only thing that’s going to get ugly—or uglier, I should say… is your fucking face when I beat the shit out of it, you fucking ni—

Rey’s ears ring as she hears it. It doesn’t seem to phase Finn, but Rey’s blood is _boiling_. She runs out from behind Finn, right up to Matt. He’s too stupid and caught off guard to suspect anything, which gives Rey the perfect opportunity to channel all the energy in her body to her knee. She swiftly brings it up, right between his legs. Matt immediately doubles over, and she knees him in the face this time, blood beginning to pool out onto the floor from his nose. 

“What the fuck?! You crazy, psychotic _bitch_!” 

“Mess with me… or Finn, or anyone I care about again, and you’ll really see a crazy, psychotic bitch.” Rey replies cooly down at him.

Then, she walks herself straight to the main office with a satisfied grin and one seriously aching knee. 

Rey’s ‘punishment’ is getting out of school for Thanksgiving break two days early. It’s technically called a suspension, but due to the circumstances of the event, the principal agreed to not let it go on her record. Rey didn’t care, honestly. She wanted it in writing. Matt had deserved that. 

Maz and Chewie don’t even punish her. They suggest to use other forms of conflict resolution rather than violence—at least Maz does—but praise her for standing up for Finn. Han takes her and Finn out for ice cream (pumpkin pie flavored for Rey, naturally). He lets her drive there and back, and Rey fights the urge to squeal the entire time she’s behind the wheel of his notorious Falcon. It’s a sleek, black, 1969 Chevy Nova, and it’s absolutely _beautiful_. Rey wants to marry it. 

Finn doesn’t get the appeal. 

“Of course you don’t,” Rey peers back into the backseat at him, through the rearview mirror. “You don’t drive.”

Finn rolls his eyes, but smirks anyways. Han chuckles, shaking his head as Rey pulls into their driveway. 

When Thanksgiving dinner finally rolls around, Rey is ready to eat her weight in Maz’s pumpkin pie and Leia’s sweet potato casserole. 

The front door opens, and Rey turns to see Ben walking in, his feet shuffling against the rug by the door. She finds herself smiling from ear to ear until she sees there’s someone walking in behind him. 

Her smile immediately turns to a scowl. 

She was going to have to start numbering his ‘blondes’. 

Rey walks further into the kitchen and away from his line of sight so that she doesn’t have to look at… her. 

It’s at least comforting to know that neither Han nor Leia liked this one either. At least the last one was kind and spoke at a normal decibel… and didn’t sound like a hyena when she laughed. 

Rey wasn’t sure which was bigger. Her boobs or her obnoxious personality. 

When Rey found herself absentmindedly glancing down at her own chest, she didn’t see anything except her lap. She was absolutely furious. 

And she had no idea why. 

Or, at least she was telling herself she didn’t and then refusing to think into it any further. The main thing was that she hated this girl. 

Taylor. 

She wanted to scoff. 

At the end of the night, when Taylor and Ben end up in an argument outside, Rey’s almost completely thrilled to see Ben come back inside alone and hear tires screeching outside. Apparently, she’d gotten a ride home. 

But Rey couldn’t be completely satisfied. Ben seemed aggravated and upset. 

When he looked up and saw her from the front door, she started to move back into the living room to give him space. 

“Hey, kid,” he calls out, and Rey stops. “Hold up.”

Rey crosses her arms in front of her body nervously.

“I heard about what happened… with that asshole and Finn.” He speaks once he’s towering above her. 

“Oh,” Rey’s cheeks redden with renewed rage. “Yeah, I should’ve gotten a few more hits in… I can’t believe that asshole.”

“Finn’s dealt with it before,” Ben shakes his head, thinking. “But since I graduated, he’s really not had anyone here that… that would do that. Thanks for standing up for him. He may be an annoying pain in my ass, but he is my brother.”

Ben grins down at Rey as he crosses his arms.

“Um… yeah. Yeah, of course.” Rey shakes her head, her cheeks blushing for a completely different reason now.

“Just… if you insist on knocking him out again, wear kneepads or take boxing gloves. You hit too hard. Mom said you ‘bout knocked your damn kneecap off.” 

She looks up and sees a lopsided, perfectly angled grin on his face. 

“Deal.” Rey giggles.

“Mom also said Dad’s introduced you to the Falcon,” he raises his eyebrows. “You should feel lucky. He barely let me drive the damn thing.”

“It’s so nice,” Rey groans, daydreaming about the hunk of metal again. “I asked if I could marry it and your dad said it was already taken. I just worry about Leia…”

Ben snorts. 

“Please… Mom loves it just as much,” He chuckles. “It gets him out of the house. Either he’s driving it or working on it or polishing the damn mirrors…”

It’s quiet for a moment and Rey hears Maz call her name. She turns to walk back to the living room.

“Rey?”

She turns back around.

“I mean it,” He nods. “Thank you.”

“Any time.”

* * *

Everything is setting Rey off today. Literally _everything_. 

Finn and Poe had begun their antics before the trip to the lodge had even started, and Rey was not having it. 

“Would you fuck off, Finn?” 

“Damn, peanut,” Finn’s eyes widen. But at least he stops aggravating her. “What’s up with you?”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Poe snorts. 

She answers them both with icy stares. 

To be completely honest, Rey had no reason to be annoyed. They were headed to the ski lodge for their annual Christmas trip, and Rey was bringing her painting supplies to take in some of the beauty while she was there. Kira had even gifted her a new set of watercolors for Christmas, before everyone went on break, and Rey was anxious to test them out. 

Rey ended up riding with Maz and Chewie this year, sleeping the entire two and a half hours there. She felt like she’d been sedated as sleepy as she was. Clearly the lack of sleep wasn’t the reason for her irritability. 

That evening, when everyone’s settling in, Finn joins her on the other side of the couch, sighing, but saying nothing. 

Rey looks up from the book she’d been reading and arches an eyebrow.

Finn looks around before speaking.

“Poe… kissed me.” 

Rey drops the book and her eyes almost bulge from her skull. 

“Oh my _god_!” 

“Keep it down, will you?!” Finn pleads, looking around the still empty room.

“That’s great, right? I mean… does this mean…”

“It was… sudden,” Finn shakes his head. “He kind’ve bolted after that. He’s outside talking to Ben.”

“Ben’s here?” Rey asks, hating how chipper she sounds.

“Yeah, I think he got here just a little bit ago.”

“Well, do you… do you think you should talk to him now?” 

“I was thinking… maybe you could? Not like directly or anything… just… see if he tells you anything.” 

“I can’t promise any results,” Rey shakes her head. “I don’t want to sound too knowing, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Finn nods. “Thanks, Rey.”

“Of course.”

They both turn as they hear the door open and see both Poe and Ben walking inside. Ben unwraps a dark scarf from around his neck and shrugs off his leather jacket before pulling the knit hat from his head. His long, thick, wavy hair lays crazily around his head until he shakes it with his fingers. He turns toward Finn and Rey, and Rey feels her cheeks heat as she looks away. 

How could his hair grow that much in a month? 

Rey's surprised and just about loses her shit when he ends up sitting down on the one free spot on the couch, between her and Finn. She finds herself looking down at his leg that's less than an inch from hers, noticing that it was nearly the size of her entire waist.

"Missed this place, but I did not miss that fucking drive," Ben sighs, then glances over at Rey. "Sorry. Language."

"Oh, don't hold back on Rey's account," Finn laughs. "She's worse than a sailor these days."

"Am not." Rey huffs.

"Are too."

"Fuck off." 

"Just don't say it in front of Leia, and you'll be fine," Ben smirks. "Believe me, she doesn't like it. Unless she's screaming it at my Dad."

Finn snorts.

Rey can't handle sitting this close to Ben. She felt like she was sitting right on top of him. Which wouldn't exactly be something she'd be against...

She stands up immediately. 

"Be right back." She squeaks.

She's on fire. And not in the stereotypical 'oh, look, a cute boy' way...

Wait. _No_. Ben isn't cute.

Even if he was, she wouldn't think he was... Right?

She splashes her face with cold water once she's in the bathroom. 

A random stabbing pain radiates in her lower stomach, and her muscles all tense up. She bends and rests her arms on the bathroom counter. 

"What the hell?" She huffs. 

A few seconds later, it goes away. A few hours later, she'd completely forgotten about it. She's staring at the red dress hanging on the back of the bathroom door like it's some sort of elaborate puzzle. 

Maz had told her about the dinner organized by Leia's coworkers for some sort of criminal justice reform charity a week or so before they left. She'd had to buy a fancy dress and shoes she'd likely break her neck in... and then a very pregnant Paige helped her with a brief lesson in hair and makeup while she was at Rose's. The dress was pretty, but it wasn't anything flashy, which is exactly what Rey wanted to avoid. It was red satin and strapless... falling just above her knees. She had a furry black sweater to wear over it, black tights, and a pair of black heels. It was festive without turning her into a disco ball. 

She'd just finished her hair and makeup, nearly burning herself and the entire house down in the process, when she attempted to zip the dress herself. It was impossible. 

And for some reason, this makes her burst into a flood of tears. It would've been a horror if her makeup wasn't waterproof.

"Rey?"

She opens the door when she hears Finn's voice, and he raises a very concerned eyebrow upon seeing her. 

"I can't get it zipped." She fumes, still crying somewhat.

"That's why you're crying? I'll help you. That's no big deal." He tries not to laugh.

She turns and lets him battle the zipper.

"You'd better be glad you're my best friend and I'm gay," He snickers, and Rey can't help but laugh when she turns back around. "Cause, damn, girl."

Rey just rolls her eyes.

"Seriously," He laughs. "You're barely five feet tall, and it's all leg."

"No, that's just the shoes," She lifts a foot. "By the way, I might have to lean against you whenever I'm standing or walking."

"I'll always be available to be your brace, peanut."

Thankfully, most of the evening is sitting and eating, which Rey is totally fine with. When they're all leaving, Rey feels a hand gently land on her head.

"You're gaining on me, kid." Ben smiles down at her, and Rey looks up. "You've grown on me."

She knows her face is turning red, but she decides it's the cold. 

"I'd say the same, but I think you've always been ten feet tall." Rey laughs breathlessly.

He smirks.

"Feels like it," He replies, turning his head sharply as Rey's foot slips along an icy patch. His arms reach out and steady her by her waist. "Careful."

Rey fights the urge to groan, wondering if she'd ever be able to feel _normal_ around him. Her brain had already committed the feeling of his hands on her waist to memory within the short second they were there. 

"Thanks."

"Of course."

* * *

Rey understands the morning after the dinner just why she'd been feeling so weird lately. 

Her stomach had started to hurt again the night before, the same aching, tense feeling in her muscles. It was the kind of pain that just made you want to stay in bed all day. She probably would've done it, too, had it not been for her rolling over and noticing the bright red dot on the bed sheets.

"Fuck." She'd groaned immediately. 

She managed to strip the sheets off the bed, thankful the red dot had only soaked the sheet and not the mattress below. 

Maz runs to the nearest drug store for her, and doesn't make a ruckus about it, thankfully. She returns with all the necessary provisions, including a heating pad that Rey discovers is a literal miracle. Both Poe and Finn are clearly confused by it, staring while she stays curled up on the couch with it and a book and a bag of popcorn instead of joining them outside and enjoying the snow. 

"Seriously, what's with the heating pad?" Finn asks, visibly aggravated that his best friend was unwilling to come outside with him. 

Rey's about to answer when she notices Ben walk downstairs and into the kitchen behind them. 

"What, are you coldblooded now? There's no way you're freezing. It's a sauna in here." Finn continues. 

"My stomach is hurting, that's all," Rey blurts, exasperated. "Heating pads help."

"Your _stomach_? What'd you do, eat so much it's protesting?" He scoffs.

"It's just hurting." Rey begins to fume.

"Really. Just hurting? I think-"

Ben walks behind his brother briefly, smacking his head, before continuing to walk away with a sandwich in his hands. 

"Shut up, Finn. Let it go." 

"What was that for? Does _he_ know why you're bailing?" Finn rubs his head. 

It seems he does, and that only makes Rey feel even more mortified. The mortification just fuels her anger even more. 

"I'm not bailing! Jesus Christ, Finn. I got my fucking period." Rey rolls her eyes, not caring if the information made him uncomfortable now that he'd basically forced it out of her. 

Poe's mouth draws into a curved line, clearly finding the situation slightly humorous, while Finn looks mildly nauseated. Rey only continues to eat her popcorn, almost wishing Finn would end up barfing all over the floor. He deserved it at the moment. Though, on second thought, she might not want that. She was nauseated by _everything_ at the moment. Everything but the popcorn.

"I really didn't need to know that, Rey." He frowns.

"Are you _fucking_... Finn, if you don't go outside in the next five seconds, I will start to inform you of how the lining of my uterus has decided to shed and how it's currently being expelled through my vagina-"

"Ah! Stop! Oh my _god_, I'm going. I'm going!" He screams in terror, holding his ears and chanting 'la la la' over and over to stop hearing her.

Poe just laughs, beginning to follow him outside. 

"Sorry about your luck, peanut," He offers an empathetic smile. "If it's any help... Finn's got a stash of double-stuffed Oreos upstairs in his nightstand."

"You've always been my favorite, Poe." Rey groans in appreciation. 

"Don't you forget it." He winks.

The next evening, Rey is beyond shocked to see Luke turn up for their Christmas Eve dinner. She's even more shocked to notice Ben being... well, not exactly friendly, but he wasn't punching anyone or yelling expletives, so she was marking it down as a phenomenon. 

She does notice, though, that he looks different. She hadn't seen him for a few months, and he'd become half the man he was. Literally. He looked like he weighed no more than Poe, and his skin had paled. He looked malnourished. Sick.

Rey was young. Naive, if anything. But she wasn't stupid. She knew something was up. But no one mentioned a thing about it the entire night. It was like the unspoken elephant in the room. She didn't want to ask about it in fear she'd be setting off some bomb she didn't know about. 

She wanted to ask Ben.

She'd noticed he'd caught her staring at Luke throughout the night. And Ben probably would've said something about it had it not been for the other impending news he knew she'd be receiving. 

Luke catches Rey before he leaves, telling her he'd kept up with her artwork... Leia had sent him every single photo Rey had sent her. 

"I couldn't be more proud, Rey," Luke smiled at her, and she noticed his eyes water just so. "You're truly remarkable with your art. Never doubt that. Never second-guess your creative decisions, and never let anyone tell you you're not good enough. I really am proud."

"Thank you, Luke," Rey's surprised at his serious tone. It only worries her. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's just fine, Rey." He smiles briefly. She doesn't trust his tone. 

He says his goodbyes, though, and soon enough, Rey's got something bigger to worry about. 

"He'll be alright, _stellina_," Maz assures her, but she isn't talking about Luke. "Chewie's a tough one. His surgeon is very positive about the procedure's success."

"A pacemaker," Rey repeats, shell-shocked. "So, his heart's not beating correctly?"

"It hasn't for years," Maz answers. "He's got atrial fibrillation. It makes it beat too quickly and not fully enough. According to Dr. Patel, it's a risk factor for strokes and clots... He's been on medicine for it for years, but it's just not working anymore, and there's been side effects with them. Dr. Patel is certain this is the best treatment and that it'll work for him. We only found out last week. I wanted to wait until after tomorrow to tell you, but... it just made me feel guilty. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, Rey."

"It's okay," Rey shakes her head, Maz's hands tightening around hers. "I understand... So... when will he have it done?"

"January sixth," Maz answers. "He'll be in the hospital a couple of days. I'm going to take off work to-"

"Let me," Rey shakes her head. "Please... I'll be off school still, anyways. Let me stay with him."

Maz takes Rey into her arms. 

"You know, I'd spent years praying for a daughter," she combs Rey's hair with her hand. "And I could've never prayed for one like you."

"As crazy as I am? Of course you couldn't." Rey jokes, trying to elevate the mood. Maz laughs with her.

"I promise he'll be fine," Maz nods. "You can stay if you like. If it's too much, that's alright, too. He'll be happy to know you're there."

She stands and pulls Rey up with her. 

"How're you feeling, Rey? There's been so much going on, I completely forgot you'd been sick."

"I'm fine," Rey nods. "Still... sick. But, that seems to be going away. And I'm not hurting anymore."

"Good," Maz kisses her forehead. "Try to sleep, _stellina_. Don't worry. Everything will be alright. I love you."

"Love you, too."

Maz's words don't seem to help her errant brain. Rey finds herself wide awake at two in the morning, venturing downstairs for a glass of water. She startles upon seeing someone by the doorway to the patio, but calms once she recognizes Ben. He's got the patio door cracked just so, exhaling the smoke from a cigarette into the cold, outdoor air. 

"Thought you gave those up," She speaks up, quietly, and his head spins to regard her. He winces, but doesn't put it out. "They're bad for you, you know."

"So I've heard," He replies, amused. "You're worried."

She nods, sighing as she places a glass under the kitchen faucet and fills it. 

"I don't blame you," He shakes his head, finally putting the cigarette out. "Today's been that kind of day. I hadn't smoked one of these in years... this one was stale as fuck. Had them sitting around as long as... well, as long as you'd been around."

"That old, huh?" She smiles.

"That old," He smiles back. "Chewie _will_ be alright, you know. He's too tough and hard-headed for anything to happen to him."

Rey laughs. 

"You don't have to... to answer me," She begins, fiddling with her hands. She's confused at how she's speaking so casually with him. She's normally so nervous. She wonders if maybe she's dreaming all of this up. "But Luke... he was here... and you were, too..."

"It's okay," He calms her. "It's, uh... there was a misunderstanding, you could call it. Years ago. Way before you got here. And, well... we both did some stupid shit, some more so than others. After that, I couldn't bring myself to forgive him. Still haven't, really. And that hate... resentment... When you feel like that for so long... like you can't let go of something... it's not good for you. It sits and it festers and it's like a fucking parasite. I can't... I can't do that anymore. Whether I forgive him or not, I can't keep being so angry all the time, you know? It's fucking _exhausting_."

Rey just stares at him, in wide-eyed wonder. It's the longest she's ever heard him speak, and it's full of... emotion. Vulnerability. 

"Shit, that was... Sorry, kid." He shakes his head.

"No, it makes complete sense... somehow. I'd... I've felt like that, too. It was like that when I first came here."

He raises an eyebrow at her as she sits down on the couch.

She explains how she'd been so resentful of her birth parents when she first came here. She couldn't remember their faces, yet alone their names. She didn't know if she didn't remember or if her brain just blotted them out. She'd wished they'd just been able to give her to Maz and Chewie immediately. Or that they'd not been shitty in the first place and decided to be good parents, instead. But then that would've meant she'd never came here. She had to come to accept that. That however horrible her life was for thirteen years, she'd have the rest of it here with family and friends that were greater than anything she could've ever wanted. If she only kept resenting the past, she'd never be able to fully appreciate her future. 

Ben listens intently, amazed at just how wise this girl was. She'd grown up in the three short years he'd known her. And she was every bit as smart as he'd knew she'd be. She falls asleep at some point in the conversation, and he drapes a blanket over her before quietly walking back upstairs. He'd always thought he was alone in how he felt about Luke and his own life. Turns out he wasn't alone.

Rey wakes up the next morning disoriented, but with a smile on her face. 

* * *

Luke doesn't make it to the new year. 

Turns out he'd developed pancreatic cancer. He'd had it for a couple of months. He'd only told Leia and Han a week before Christmas. 

Rey's confused at how shocked and sad she feels. She'd seen him. She'd known something was wrong. It still didn't minimize the grief. The loss. 

She can't bring herself to go to the casket. 

She's not scared of dead bodies. She embraced them, scientifically. From a clinical standpoint. 

This was personal. She didn't want to see him like this. She didn't want to remember _her_ Luke as an embalmed corpse in a plush wooden box. He'd have hated it, the whole spectacle of it all. He'd want to have been thrown into the sea to float away, under the setting sun. But, she knew he'd also understand that funerals were never about the person who died. They were a means of coping for those left behind. A last grand gesture that maybe they felt they should've paid before their loved one died, but didn't. It was a ruse.

So, Rey stood at the back of the room where the funeral was presiding. And so did Ben. 

His face was solemn, but just as tear soaked as Rey's. 

She'd felt him gently place his hand on her upper back before he spoke.

"It'll all be alright."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... this chapter was a lot. The next chapter will hopefully be up in the next week. I've written some little parts of it already, but it's going to require a lot of time and thought. I'll make sure to reiterate the warnings when I post it, but there will be sexual trauma/rape involved (the incident will not be written about explicitly and only talked about during the aftermath). So, stock up on your tissues while you can. It's gonna be a hard one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's entire life is ripped apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE regard the warnings in the tags for this chapter. There are mentions of rape. It's not explicitly detailed, but it's still heavy. This chapter is horrific, so I apologize in advance. It won't stay like this for the entire story, though.

Rey makes sure to blow the car horn an obnoxious amount of times when she pulls up outside Rose’s house. Poe and Finn were there, too, hanging out until Kaydel’s party tonight.

She’d set an alarm for 6:30 a.m. on the day of her sixteenth birthday just to go to the DMV. And at 9:37 a.m., she got her driver’s license. There was a long set of rules, some of which she was willing to ignore... but she was able to drive without an adult now, which felt like total freedom. 

She’d be driving her and Rose to the party, even though Rose was technically too young to be in the car with her, and Finn would be riding with Poe after he picked up a couple friends. 

“We get it, you can legally drive now,” Finn rolls his eyes. “You can stop rubbing it in.”

“Don’t think I will, sorry, no...” Rey grins sweetly. 

Rose introduces Rey to baby Emma, who feels like a tiny fragile bomb about to go off in Rey’s arms whenever Rose insists she should hold her. Thankfully, the baby just sleeps and doesn’t seem to care who’s holding her. 

Paige is talking to Rose about her trip with the baby to see her in-laws in the city, and Rey’s paying no attention whatsoever until she hears his name. 

“Ben was there, too... he was with some guys from school having dinner. I was surprised to see him so... tame. He was always a wild kid. He told me he had started an internship with the Morehead firm during his last spring semester, so he’s even landed a job before he graduates this year.”

Rey pretends to not notice the conversation, focusing on the baby in her arms instead. 

Ben was graduating college. Had a job. That was a really weird concept to grasp. Soon, he’d find someone and probably get married and...

She looks at the baby down in her arms. 

“He even _gushed_ over Emma… coaxed a smile out of her. He’s clearly still just as charming.”

“Rose?” Rey calls out. “Sorry, I just have to use the bathroom.”

Rose takes the baby and Rey hurries upstairs. She stares down at the sink as the water runs. 

She’d not seen Ben since Luke’s funeral. He’d left to head back to college after that, and hadn’t made it home for spring break since he was working. And he hadn’t come home this summer, either. 

So, six months. Six entire months without even hearing from him. She absolutely hated it, but she kinda missed the sound of his voice. 

She wondered how long his hair was now. Had he cut it?

She had to remind herself that this random infatuation needed to disappear. To him, she was his little brother’s friend. A kid. A little sister, if anything. She was way too attached to someone she hadn’t seen in six months. 

Rey walks back downstairs, smoothing her shorts and straightening her shirt. An hour later, she and Rose leave to go to Kaydel’s. 

“You miss him, don’t you?” Rose asks, and Rey’s hands freeze on her seat belt. 

“Huh?”

“Luke,” Rose continues. “You tense up or bolt anytime him or Ben are mentioned.”

“Oh. Yeah, I do. Miss Luke.” Rey nods, starting the car and inflicting a death grip onto the steering wheel. 

It’s silent for a moment as they start off. 

“There’s something else,” Rose says quietly, her face turned toward Rey, whose eyes stay peeled to the road. “Isn’t there?”

“What? No. I—no.” Rey shakes her head. 

“You like him, don’t you?”

Rey considers slamming the breaks and running for it. But they’re almost there and she doesn’t want Maz’s car to suffer. 

“Luke?” Rey scoffs amusedly. 

“Rey.” Rose sighs. 

Rey pulls over, parking against the curb from Kaydel’s house. The place was packed already, completely decked out in decorations for July 4th. 

“Rey.” Rose says again. 

“I’m stupid,” Rey feels her eyes water, but she manages to hold it together. “So, so stupid. Please don’t say anything... it’s nothing. I’m just... he’s... I miss him. More than I should.”

“It’s understandable, Rey,” Rose is surprisingly calm. “He’s been around you for like three years now. He’s older, and he’s cute. He doesn’t act like a teenage boy.”

“It’s not just that... it’s... he understands. I was angry at whatever assholes gave birth to me for so long, even when I came here, because I thought if they’d just given me up sooner or... I don’t know. And he told me about feeling angry about Luke... there’s more to him.”

“I get that, Rey... but... he’s 21.” Rose says, sadly. 

“I know,” Rey sighs, her head falling back against the headrest. “Believe me, I know. I know how stupid this is, and there’s no way I’m... you know. I just... i don’t know. Maybe it’s just hormones and it’ll go away. I mean, he’s not going to be here anytime soon, so...”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Please don’t tell Finn,” Rey begs. “I’ll... I mean, it’ll go away soon, I’m sure. I just don’t want to freak him out.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Rose nods. 

Kaydel’s party is annoyingly crowded. So crowded Rey can’t even move from room to room without part of her body touching part of someone else’s body. Normally, she’d only expect this out of a college party. And there wasn’t even any booze here to help her care less about the number of people. Not that she’d ever stolen a swig from Han’s stash with Finn before. 

Although, she did suspect that there was a secret supply making its way around. Some of the football guys and a few particularly giddy girls reeked of liquor. _Cheap_ liquor. Not the kind she’d sniffed on Han during the holidays. The kind she definitely wasn’t familiar with. Rey would _never_ drink underage. 

“Don’t you like the music?” Rose laughs, knowing fully well that Drake was the last thing that Rey would consider good music. 

“I don’t hear music.” Rey smirks, rolling her eyes.

The music fades and stops and then Rey and Rose both hear the unmistakable intro to Snoop’s ‘Drop it Like it’s Hot’. 

That’s the normal part. 

They both hear the feedback from a microphone before they turn their heads to see none other than Finn and Poe performing the intro… Finn making the ridiculous popping noses with his tongue and Poe doing the stupid ‘snoops’. 

“Oh my god, this is not going undocumented.” Rose is in hysterics as she pulls her phone from her back pocket. 

Rey’s in a full belly laugh, shaking her head and hiding behind her hands at the shit show happening no more than twenty five feet in front of her. 

There was no denying it. Those two dumbass goons were made for each other. 

Some time later, Rey makes her way outside to get some air. There were at least ten goddamn Juuls being passed around in the house, and she can’t help but wonder where Kaydel’s parents were and why her neighbors haven’t called the cops yet. This wasn’t exactly a low-key neighborhood. There were plenty of Escalades in the driveways. 

She assumes it’s the sweat cooling, but a mere minute sitting outside and there’s a shiver running down her spine. She walks out to Maz’s car to grab her jacket from the back seat. 

There’s something… 

She doesn’t even have time to register what’s happening, but something or someone hits her in the back of the head. 

She’s only halfway conscious… she’s sinking in and out of her own mind… 

One moment, she realizes she’s being dragged along the grass. She feels the dew on her cheek. 

In another, she feels her shorts and underwear being roughly pulled down behind her. 

_… you make a fucking noise and…_

When she reaches full consciousness, she wishes herself dead. With every second—every minute—that passes, she wants it more than the last.

And maybe she’s heard.

She feels dead.

When it’s over, she’s hit on the head again.

* * *

“Miss?”

It took a moment to realize someone was speaking to her, but Rey’s eyes blinked carefully up. An older woman with kind eyes and burgundy hair was smiling down at her. It was clearly a forced smile. 

How long had she been waiting here?

She couldn’t remember. She…

_… stay fucking still…_

“I’m Amilyn,” she smiles down at Rey, who blinks back up at her. “I’m with the state police. Can you tell me your full name?”

Rey looks down at her hands, noticing the red lines that haphazardly wrapped around each of her wrists with a burning sting. She quickly looks away. 

Maybe if she didn’t look, it wouldn’t be real. 

If she closed her eyes, this would all be a bad dream. 

“R-Rey. Rey J—Kanata. Rey Kanata.”

Rey doesn’t even recognize her own voice. 

“Okay,” Amilyn nods, looking quickly up at another officer holding a notepad. “If you don’t mind me asking, Rey, can you tell me your age?”

_“Happy Birthday to you! You live in a zoo! You smell like a monkey, and you look like one, too!”_

_Rey laughed at Finn._

Birthday. She’d had a birthday three days ago… was it three days?

A sharp sting brings her attention to her wrists, so she moves them under her legs, hoping the pressure would do something. 

“I’m sixteen.” Rey moves around, making her wrists sting even harder under her legs. 

At least the pain kept her eyes as dry. 

“My... my parents... they’ll be worried, they—“

“It’s alright, sweetheart, we’ll get them for you,” Amilyn hushes her. “I promise. Can you give me a number to contact?”

Rey doesn’t even have to think… the number just seems to come from some part of her subconscious that doesn’t require effort. 

She wished she could sink into that part of her brain for a while. 

Float there. 

She didn’t want to think right now. She didn’t want to realize she was sentient. 

Alive. 

“If it’s alright, Rey, we’d like to take you somewhere where we can talk and get you cleaned up. Does that sound okay?”

Rey nods without looking up, a sinking feeling flooding through her body. She knew what would likely come next. 

Suddenly, another police vehicle barrels into Rey’s line of vision, and Rey can only vaguely tell what’s going on when she sees glimpses of officers, one putting on a large white plastic gown and gloves. 

The same officer turns and begins to move toward Rey with haste. 

Leia. 

“Rey? Oh, god, Rey,” Leia’s voice calls out just before she can reach her, and her entire heart shatters at the sight of her sweet girl covered in dirt and blood and bruises… her tiny body almost bare apart from the shock blanket wrapped around her shoulders. 

“Honey.”

She reaches out toward Rey, but stops, afraid to scare her. Rey closes the distance and falls into Leia’s chest and _finally_ cries, her entire body shaking with the weight of her own mind.

She wished she could shut it off. Just for a second.

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Leia’s voice promises, but it breaks, all the same. “I’m here. Maz and Chewie are on their way to the station. You’re safe now. I won’t let anyone hurt you. And I’m going to find who did this. And they’ll rot for the rest of their lives.”

Sobs cut through the silence like a knife.

“Why _me_?”

Rey’s voice breaks Leia, and she sobs along with her, holding her close and damning the need for forensics and a proceeding. She knew Rey was about to be put through hell. 

Absolute hell.

Leia rides in the backseat of the cruiser with Rey, letting her rest against her side. It’s an incredible surge of relief when Leia realizes she’s at least gotten a short amount of sleep during the brief drive. 

When they arrive at the police station, Leia leads Rey to a large room. There’s a curtained examination area that looks like a hospital room to one side, a bathroom on the other, and she can see a smaller room with a table and chairs attached through an open doorway.

“The FME is on her way, Chief.” 

Rey jolts at the sound of another person’s voice besides Leia’s. It’s just another officer. 

“Forensic Medical Examiner,” Leia says, in case Rey doesn’t know. She takes Rey’s hands into her gloved ones. “Now, there’s some things that are going to happen, Rey. They’re not going to be comfortable. But they are necessary. We’ll do everything we can to make sure your privacy and dignity are maintained as well as they can be. And if you need to stop for a moment, or you begin to panic, you just tell us. I can stay, or Maz can come back, or we both can. Or if you want to be alone while the examiner is here with you, that’s an option, too. It’s whatever you are comfortable with.”

Rey feels a tear slip from her eyes, and she uses her shoulder to roughly wipe it away. 

“I... I don’t want Maz to see... that.”

“I understand, dear.”

“I... will you stay?” Rey asks her. 

“Of course, sweetheart,” Leia grips her hands even tighter. “If that’s what you want, I’ll be right here with you.”

And so she does stay. 

And she hadn’t lied. It was hell. Almost as bad as…

_“Please…”_

_Rey felt her face sink further into the earth. She couldn’t breathe._

_“Shut the fuck up.”_

It was humiliating. Degrading.

It was like they were taking every little part of her that was left and ripping it away, shred by shred. 

She felt like she was ten feet under, sinking further and further away from herself… She could barely breathe, and her attempts to quiet her own sobs were making that even worse. 

She was drowning.

Rey knew they were all trying their best to make it as easy as possible for her. It didn’t matter. She’d been defiled and degraded in the worst way imaginable and now she was being forced to relive it, scar by scar. 

They documented every bruise, every cut, every scratch… She felt physically ill watching them photograph ‘areas of interest’ on her bare body, all forms of decency thrown out the window.

She felt like she was some sort of inanimate object. A thing. 

And it got even worse after that. 

They took samples. Samples upon samples. From everywhere imaginable. Every part of her. She sobbed the entire time. Silent tears. Her body was too tired to spare the real ones. 

She sobbed as they swabbed her mouth. 

She sobbed as they swabbed around her teeth. 

Her nose. 

Her breasts. 

Her arms. 

Her legs. 

She’d only had her period for six months. She’d never even used a tampon before. And, now...

She felt like her body wasn’t hers anymore as another unwanted foreign object was put inside her. 

This time, she _was_ going to be sick. 

“L-Leia.” She manages as soon as she was told she could sit up. 

She emptied the contents of her stomach into the trash can Leia held in front of her. It was nothing but stomach acid. 

Leia held her hair and rubbed circles into her back, and Rey couldn’t help but feel guilty that she had to witness this. That thought just made her start crying again. 

Time started to pass a little differently after that. It’s like she could remember certain things happening, but she had no idea how the transition happened. 

She was now sitting in the smaller room, at the table, across from Leia and another officer. 

And she’d showered. 

_The denim of her shorts burned her legs as they were ripped down them._

_“Please…”_

Rey blinks, looking down at herself. She was in fresh clothes. Clothes that weren’t hers, of course, but they were welcomed.

Then, some amount of time later, the door opens swiftly, and Rey sees Maz and Chewie with their frightened eyes and worn faces. She’s immediately wrapped between the two of them, and another round of sobbing begins. 

_“Hi, I’m Rey. I’m twelve.”_

_Rey was polite and smiled up at the kind woman—Maz, she’d told her—with her with her missing front tooth._

_“I’m so happy to finally meet you, Rey.”_

Rey hears the door. Chewie and Leia leave the room just for a moment, to allow Maz and her to have some space. Rey can hear them—just barely.

“You _find_ them.”

“I will, Chewie. I will.”

“Just hope you find them first.”

Rey knows Maz has a million questions, and that she deserves some answers. But Rey can’t bring herself to spare details. She gives her the summary. 

She tells her how she left Kaydel’s house Friday night when things got too crowded for her taste, and that she remembers being hit in the back of the head before... it happened. That she didn’t see who it was. But she’s was going to give all the information she could remember to Leia.

After Leia asks her a series of questions, mostly about the party that broke out at Kaydel’s, she’s allowed to go home with Maz and Chewie. Rey thought she’d be relieved. 

She wasn’t. 

She felt exactly the same there as she did at the sterile police station. It wasn’t going away. It wasn’t even lessening. 

It wasn’t _going away_.

She changed into her own clothes when she got home. Sweatpants and a hoodie, despite it being the first part of June. 

Socks. 

Winter gloves. 

And she kept the hood of the sweatshirt up. 

She laid in her bed and waited for sleep. _Prayed_ for sleep. _Begged_ for it… from whatever entity would hear her and take pity on her. 

But it never came. 

Although it felt like years, she’s somewhat surprised when she sees the morning light flooding in as Maz knocks gently on her door and opens it. 

“Rey? Are you alright?”

“I’m okay.”

She figured it was only the first of a never ending series of lies she’d tell every single time she was asked that question from now on. But she didn’t want Maz to worry.

Maz comes to sit on the edge of her bed before frowning. 

“Are you cold, _stellina_? I can turn down the air—“

“No, no, it’s just right, really.” Rey shakes her head. 

If it got any warmer, she’d start sweating. She wasn’t about to change. She couldn’t. 

Wouldn’t.

“Did you sleep alright?”

“I slept some, yeah.”

She purposefully kept her eyes off of Maz, knowing she’d break if she looked at her. 

“Rey, I’ve come to read your face like a book. You didn’t sleep, did you?”

“No.” Rey shakes her head, staring down at her hands as her eyes begin to water again. 

Rey couldn’t see the scars on her wrists now. She had the bandages to thank for that. 

She still felt them.

She was just so, _so_ tired. 

“It’s alright, _stellina_, it’s alright,” Maz held her tightly. “Let’s get you some food and then I’ll give you some medicine. It’ll help you rest.”

The apprehension on Rey’s face must’ve been clear as day. 

“Don’t worry,” Maz shakes her head. “It’s one of the medicines from the doctor that saw you with Leia yesterday. They knew you’d likely have trouble resting.”

“Oh.”

The doctor that Rey saw yesterday had given Rey a number of medications. When she’d mentioned the first medication, Rey’d needed another one—for the panic attack she had. 

The first was an emergency contraceptive. Because Rey could become pregnant. 

She didn’t know how, then, to wrap her head around that information. She didn’t know now, either. She didn’t know if she ever would. 

“Would you like to come downstairs for breakfast? I can bring you something up here...”

“I’ll probably just get a banana or toast,” Rey shakes her head. “I don’t feel very hungry.”

“I’ll bring it to you,” Maz pats her arm. “After you get some rest, I’m sure your appetite will come back.”

She knew that wasn’t the case. Rey knew the side effects of the emergency contraception from yesterday. It was a very potent combination of hormones and some other medications that would eliminate any potential for something even more horrible to come from this. It was making her sick. She’d been progressively more nauseous since taking it. 

Rey offers a small smile and a nod before Maz leaves and returns a few minutes later with toast, a banana, some bacon, a muffin, orange juice, and water. 

“Mom...”

“Hush now,” Maz smiles. “Eat what you can. Your medicine is there on the plate. You can take it once you’ve eaten.”

Rey nods. 

Maz prattles on about random things while Rey eats, and Rey’s silently thankful she doesn’t even go near the subject of what happened yesterday. 

She doesn’t want to go back. 

She doesn’t want people to pity her. That just takes her right back. 

She doesn’t want to think about anything. At all. 

So, Maz’s prattling is perfect at the moment. It’s a distraction. Rey can just turn off her own mind for a while and hear. Not listen… she could just hear the noise. And drift. 

Float.

After a moment, though, she does listen. She couldn’t float for long. Her mind wouldn’t let her. It’s like it wanted her to suffer. 

Maz talks about Chewie’a new employee at the garage, a friend of Ben’s, apparently. Then she gets on the subject of Ben. He was home from college for now. He had one more year. He’d have a master’s in business or public relations or affairs or something. Rey didn’t pay enough attention to differentiate. 

It made her think of Finn. And Rose. 

What would they think of her?

Would they treat her any differently? 

She knew they’d never _blame_ her. But she was afraid they’d feel guilty. They talked her into going to Kaydel’s. If she hadn’t...

It could’ve happened anywhere, though. Right?

After she ate, the medicine forced her into sleep. 

* * *

Six days in, a pattern had emerged. 

Rey couldn’t tell night from day. 

She slept when sleep graced her with its presence. She ate when the Zofran decided to pity her and work effectively. 

She either stared blankly out her window in her room or at the empty, dusty easel in the corner. She’d try to eat again, then try to sleep. 

Day seven was when Rose and Finn visited. 

Her best friends in the world, and she was scared to be around them. She wanted to run back into her room, to sink under her covers. 

Rose tried not to cry. It didn’t work. 

Finn’s eyes were watery, but he didn’t cry. Rey knew his face. He was angry. 

He was _livid_. 

Day nine was hell. She had to relive it all over again when more information was needed for her case. The same things she’d said before were now torturing her again in the name of ‘technicalities’. 

On day ten, Rey has her first appointment with her therapist.

Dr. Ellis. 

She assures Rey it’s okay to not want to talk about the ‘incident’ at first. 

So she doesn’t.

On day twelve, Rey visits the same doctor she saw twelve days prior. They examine her wrists, which are healing at a snail’s pace. Her head was bruised, but there was no sign of a subdural hematoma. Apparently that was something bad. 

Rey doesn’t cry when she’s examined again. Her decency had long been gone. It was taken from her. 

And as if she hadn’t had to go through enough, Rey is told her periods could be irregular and heavy or painful after the incident. 

The ‘incident’, everyone called it. Like it was just some blip. A minor error. 

By day sixteen, Rey is…

She wasn’t _not_ handling it. But she wasn’t handling it _well_. 

She’d assured Maz she’d be fine, though. It had been over two weeks. And they’d only be gone a few hours. And Han and Leia would be next door. 

But the silence ate at her no matter how many electronics she blasted sound from. The TV in every room was on, along with her computer, the radio in the kitchen, and the computer in the study. 

It wasn’t enough. It was turning into white noise, which was turning into muffled eardrums, which was turning into the feeling of a hand smothering her face into the dirt and suffocating her while hands and other things forced their way between—

_“Fuck you, you whore.”_

_Rey’s head was pressed further into the dirt, and her skin tore against the coarse dirt._

Out. She had to get out.

She ran out the door and over to find Finn, but when the door opened, she found Ben, instead. 

She couldn’t even properly notice how much he’d changed or aged since she’d seen him last this closely. 

“Is... is Finn home?” She manages, holding herself together. 

“I... I’m sorry, no,” Ben seems to be immediately worried. “He went with Rose to that sports thing at the school and Mom and Dad are at an engagement party for one of Mom’s coworkers.”

“Oh.”

Rey begins to really panic then. Maybe Jess could come over? 

She was probably at the homecoming game, too. 

“I... I’m sorry, I’ll just...”

She turns but Ben calls her name and she turns back around. 

“Where... um, where’s Maz? Chewie?”

One thing. She couldn’t do this one small thing. She couldn’t even stay at home, and it was glaringly obvious, and now she looked like an idiot in front of Ben, and—

“Rey? Hey, it’s alright, you’re okay,” he holds his hands out but keeps them from touching her, purposefully. “Why don’t you come inside? I was just hanging out anyways.”

“You don’t have to—“ 

She barely forms the words. Tears are already pouring down her face. 

“Don’t,” he shakes his head. “You’re not a bother, Rey. Please. Come in.”

He moves to the side, and Rey walks in, waiting and then following Ben into the living room. 

“You can, um, pick out something to watch,” he notions toward the TV. “If you want.”

She nods as a response. 

When she feels skin brush against her forearm, she jolts and lets out an audible shriek. 

“Shit, Rey, I’m sorry, I was,” He snaps back and she follows his line of vision down to the remote that was hiding behind her. “I was just... the remote. I’m so sorry.”

She kept doing this. People were catering to her every single second of every day now and she still does this—she still makes everyone feel like they’re guilty of something. Makes them pity her. All the damn time. 

Tears pour from her face and she shakes her head before collapsing into Han’s chair. She wipes at her eyes frantically and tries to calm down enough to tell him it’s okay and that she’s the crazy one. 

“Rey?” Ben crouches down beside the chair, keeping a safe distance while leaning on the arm. 

“I’m sorry,” she manages, her chest still heaving. “It wasn’t you, I just...”

“No, I understand, Rey, it’s okay,” he shakes his head. “If you’re not comfortable here with me, I can call my mom or Maz for you... I know they won’t care at all to—“

“No,” Rey pleads. “Please... I just wanted to be able to do this... Maz and Chewie haven’t got a break for two weeks and... and I just... I got scared. It’s stupid.”

“It’s _not_ stupid. It’s completely understandable.”

“I should be fine in a second and I can go back—“

“No,” Ben interrupts her this time. “That’s not... Rey, you stay here as long as you want. I just want you to feel safe. I thought... I just thought I might be what was... scaring you.”

“Oh,” Rey wipes at her eyes again, finally getting somewhat of a grip on her emotions. Calm was beginning to sink back in a little at a time. “No. You don’t scare me. It was just the... I get startled easily, I guess.”

“You have every right to get startled. If I do... do something that you’re not cool with, you just have to tell me. Hit me with your shoe or throw something at me. Finn tells me you have a better aim than him, anyways.”

He offers a small smile at her, and Rey manages a small chuckle at the image of out-aiming the football star. 

Wait. 

Her face freezes for a moment, and Ben’s thought he’s done something stupid again. 

“Rey?”

“Sorry,” she shakes her head, offering a smile. “I’m good. That was... I just haven’t laughed. Since...”

“Oh.”

It’s silent for a moment. And Rey worries she’s made things awkward. 

“Well, feel free to laugh at me whenever, kid,” Ben offers a sideways smile that reminds her of Han. “People do tell me my face is laughable. I mean, I did get it from Han, mostly.”

Rey laughs again. 

“I don’t think he’d agree.”

“Nah, he knows I look just like my old man.”

“I meant the ‘laughable’ part.” Rey shakes her head. 

“Of course he wouldn’t,” Ben scoffs playfully. “He’s got enough ego in him to inflate a hot air balloon.”

“Or two.” Rey adds. 

Ben smiles at her once she’s finished chuckling and stands back up. He reaches for the TV remote more carefully this time and hands it to her. 

“Here,” he tells her. “Pick out anything. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me. I was going to make me a burger. What do you like on yours?”

“Oh, you don’t have to—“

“Come on,” Ben laughs. “Han says you can make even Finn tap out on a bad day.”

She manages a smile.

“Just cheese. And more cheese.”

“Got it.” 

He starts walking away and Rey finds herself calling out his name. 

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” He turns on a dime. 

“Could you... could you maybe not tell Maz I freaked? I don’t... I don’t want her to worry.”

He hesitates for a moment. 

“Only if you promise you’ll call someone if it happens again. Finn, Rose... hell, call me if you need to. If you’re scared, you shouldn’t be alone. You’ll always be safe here. Okay?” He raises his eyebrows. 

“Okay. And thanks… for this. I know I’m safe here.. with you.” She nods. 

Ben regards her for a moment before he walks back into the kitchen, throwing his hands down on the edge of the marble countertop and shuddering once he’s out of sight. His entire body was tense. 

He was so _sad_. 

And even more pissed. He knew they hadn’t found the son of a bitch yet, but he was about to go find the piece of shit for his mother and serve him some ‘justice’ himself. 

It wasn’t fair. 

Rey was a good kid. Such a good kid. She was bright, and funny, and sweet. She’d even made Finn more tolerable over the years. He’d watched her grow up. She was a beautiful young girl with the whole world ahead of her... and then someone did this to her. Humiliated her. 

It made him sick to even think about it. He wasn’t supposed to know the details, and no one else did, thank god. He was glad his mother hadn’t seemed to let anything slip up around Finn. He’d heard it, though. He’d seen the case file when he’d had lunch with his mother. 

He’d cried when he first saw it. His mother had been reviewing it herself and had to leave for a moment. Because it got _that_ bad. And his mother had seen some shit. 

“Fuck.” 

He could use a cigarette about now. 

He’d not smoked in a while and he had no greater urge to than he did now. 

He ignores the urge and begins making the burgers, stealing a peak in the living room to Rey to make sure she was okay every few minutes. By the time he was ready to assemble the burgers, he noticed she was fast asleep. 

Watching her sleep flooded his tense body with relief, and he got an idea of how Maz and Chewie must’ve been feeling the past two weeks. Hell, even his mother. Rey was like another kid to Leia. 

She’d be the kind of girl Leia would want as a daughter-in-law. Ben knew his mother had previously harbored that hope before with Finn. She’d even made a comment once, a few months back, about how if Ben would just wait a couple years...

It was weird—nonsensical—for Ben to even think about. Especially now. The only thing he could even think about Rey right now was helping her in any way he could. He had no clue how she’d been handling it since he found out. Maz had spoken to Leia, who’d told him and Finn and Han things here and there. And Finn visited her with Rose just a week ago. 

He still thought she was doing extremely well considering what she went through. 

He sends a quick message to his mother, letting her know Rey was there and that she was okay, and to be quiet when they came in since she was sleeping. 

He carefully padded across the living room to grab a blanket off the couch before making his way back to Rey and draping the blanket over her, gently. 

He walked back into the kitchen and ate in relative silence. He texted Finn to make sure he came in quietly, too, in case he got home early. 

He was cleaning up in the kitchen when he heard the front door open softly. 

He wiped his hands off and walked toward the hallway, meeting his parents at the doorway to the kitchen. 

They glanced over at Rey, who was still sound asleep, before looking back at their son. 

“What happened?” Leia asks. 

“She tried to do too much too soon, I think,” Ben sighs, leaning against the wall. “She said Maz and Chewie would be out just for a few hours. I’m sure they’ll be home soon, by the way. Someone should probably let them know so they don’t worry. Anyways—she probably begged them to get out of the house. She said she felt guilty. But she got scared. She came over to see Finn. She was... _fuck_, mom...”

Ben’s own eyes water and it takes everything in him not to break down himself. 

“I know, son,” she rubs his arm reassuringly. “Believe me. I know.”

“She was just so scared,” Ben shakes his head. “I told her to come in and stay here so she wouldn’t be alone. Finally got her to calm down a bit by cracking jokes at Dad.”

“Hey, if it makes her feel better…” Han grumbles. 

“She said it was the first time she’d laughed.” 

Han and Leia both frown. 

“She doesn’t want Maz to know, though. She doesn’t want to worry her. I promised her as long as she promised to call someone if she got scared. Finn, Rose... you or Dad or me. Anyone.”

“Oh, that girl.” Leia sighs. 

“I think I saw headlights at her place,” Han looks out through the window by the front door. “I’ll go over there. Let her sleep, son.”

Ben nods, and Han leaves, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

“Did she eat?” Leia asks, finally shrugging off her cardigan and kicking off her shoes. 

“No, she fell asleep. When she wakes up, I’ll reheat her burger for her.”

Leia smiles fondly at her son, walking to him and leaning against his arm. 

“It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

“Jesus Christ,” Ben breathes. “How could someone do that to her, mom? To anyone, really, but _her_?”

“I know, honey, I know,” Leia shakes her head. “You did good though. Thank you.”

Ben frowns. 

“What else would I have done? I just wish there was more I could do.”

“All you can do is be there for her. It’s all any of us can do. Be there and reassure her she’s safe and she’s loved.” 

Ben nods, glancing back at her sleeping figure. It served as a periodic calming exercise. Seeing her chest rise and fall grounded him. 

Han walks back in, shutting the door and kicking off his shoes. 

“Maz said she’s not slept for a couple days,” Han sighs. “That she may or may not have slipped her sleeping meds into her lunch before they left. She wanted her to sleep. She feels bad now. She’s gonna come over and stay with her since she might sleep until the morning.”

“No, she doesn’t have to do that,” Ben shakes his head. “I can sleep on the couch. Poor Maz probably hasn’t slept in weeks. Let them have a break.”

“Ben, I don’t know if Maz wants to be away from her—“

“Of all of us, the person who could easily beat the shit out of anyone who could break in and try anything is me,” Ben narrows his eyes. “Chewie could’ve... years ago. But not now. I won’t let anything hurt her.”

Han just watched his son before turning to his wife and placing his hand on her shoulder. 

“Call her and ask. Ben can watch her. And Finn will be here soon, too. I’m here. She’s safe here. It’s up to Maz, of course.”

Leia purses her lips, clearly unsure of the idea, before taking her cell phone and walking into the kitchen.

“Son,” Han looks at his son. “You... you be careful with her.”

Ben’s face immediately contorts. He knows that tone.

“What the hell are you talking about, Dad?”

“Don’t get all pissy, Ben, I know you’re worried about her, and not... just,” Han holds his hands up. “I’m just... with what’s just happened to her, and her being young and impressionable... if you move the wrong way or say something a certain way, it could scare her or make her think you think less of her now or any number of things.

Ben still sports a frown on his face but he nods, regardless.

“I just want her safe, like the rest of us, Dad. She’s family.”

“Yeah,” Han offers a tiny smile before sighing. “Tell your mom I’ve went upstairs.”

Ben nods. He stands and watches Rey sleep while he waits on his mother, who’s still on the phone. 

“Chewie’s bringing by some medicine,” Leia says when she walks back in. “I wrote down all the names and directions in case me or your dad isn’t awake if she needs them.”

Ben glances at the list. 

“Wound cream?”

“Her wrists. The cut on her face. There's some on the front of her legs and her stomach, too.” Leia sighs. 

Ben feels like throwing up. 

He doesn’t sleep at all that night. He watches her as she sleeps, praying that by some miracle that with every second she sleeps, she’ll be cured bit by bit. 

It’s wishful thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. Told you this one would suck. The next one will suck, too. Maybe not as much. 
> 
> This was difficult to write. If I hadn't had most of it drafted/outlined beforehand, I don't know if it ever would've been written. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things get even shittier before they get less shitty.
> 
> TW: mentions of abortion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's updating literally four months later! I put the ass in procrastination, people (sonically, at least). Not only am I updating a full four months later, but this is also another shitty chapter, so... sorry in advance. As someone who's actually in the medical field, I know not all of the information in this chapter is 100% accurate, however it's as accurate as possible and for the flow of the story. 
> 
> Side note: I was planning to update after TROS, and then it happened, and I lost my shit. I was so fucking sad, guys. That movie killed any form of SW creativity in my body for so long. It just sucks when something you love and care about so much is metaphorically shit on. If you liked TROS, I am genuinely so, so happy for you. I'm not gonna be that asshole that hates anyone who liked TROS. I wish I could've liked it. Honestly. But, I can't. I watched it one time in theaters, and then once more shortly after to try and convince myself it wasn't as horrible as I'd remembered, but it didn't work. Hopefully, returning to writing and the fandom side of SW will help the tiny spark of creativity return and help my joy for SW be rekindled.

This was Rey’s tenth straight hour of incessant vomiting. Ten merciless, _horrific_ hours where Rey had to move her pillow and blanket into her bathroom in order to camp out by the toilet.

There were a number of things that could be wrong. She’d narrowed it down to medication side effects (although it’d been nearly a month since she’d had any of the stronger medications), some freak stomach virus, and the universe wanting to fuck her over some more.

She would’ve told Maz about it, but Chewie had a check up with his cardiologist today, so Rey stayed inside her bathroom before she physically couldn’t take it anymore.

There was literally nothing more in her stomach to rid herself of. She kept dry heaving without a choice, her diaphragm tightening mercilessly each time. Her stomach, right under her ribcage, was so sore she couldn’t even let anything near it now.

She decided to text Finn and see if he could drive her to the hospital before she inevitably lost consciousness. She knew Leia was at work, as was Han. She was just glad school didn’t start until the next week and Finn only had evening practices this week.

“Rey?”

Finn’s voice sounds out from downstairs and Rey braces herself to manage a response.

“Upstairs!”

Finn pops his head through the bathroom doorway and his eyes immediately widen.

“You’re sick.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

Well, the sarcasm was still there. She couldn’t be completely dying yet.

“Ben’s in the car outside... do you need help getting—“

“Ben?”

“He doesn’t exactly trust my driving,” Finn frowns. “Are you okay to stand?”

“I think so,” Rey moves to her knees, leaning against the bathtub for a moment before attempting to stand. Her muscles were too weak, and she ended up right back on the floor. “I thought so.”

“Here,” Finn moves to lace his arms under hers. “I’ll get you up.”

He helps her up and ends up helping her to sit on the bathroom counter beside the sink after she insists on washing her face and brushing her teeth.

She barely had the energy to hold her toothbrush. But dammit, her mouth tasted like stomach acid. She at least wanted to die with her mouth tasting like Crest instead of fucking stomach acid.

“Finn?”

“Upstairs.”

Ben pops his head into the bathroom, watching as Finn stands in front of Rey to quite literally keep her from falling over.

“You okay, kid?”

Ben knows his question is rhetorical. She’s not been okay for weeks, and she’ll still not be okay for months… maybe years.

“Been better.” Rey sighs.

“You ready to go?”

“I think so,” she takes a deep breath, scooting to the edge of the counter. “Just give me a minute so I can walk.”

“Yeah, right,” Finn laughs. “We’ll be here all day. Been working on these guns all summer, peanut. I got you.”

“Just don’t shake me too much, or I’ll barf all over your shirt.”

She left out the part where the barf she'd produce was so acidic it might eat through his shirt.

Finn glances over at his brother.

“I know you’re dying to say something.”

“I’m not saying anything,” Ben crosses his arms. “But if you drop her, it’s on you.”

Ben figured that was nicer than saying ‘I’ll kill you’.

Rey jars only slightly as Finn carries her downstairs and into Ben’s Jeep. When they arrive at the emergency room, Rey’s surprised when she doesn’t end up waiting for hours. Apparently it has something to do with her blood pressure “tanking”.

Finn has to walk outside the tiny little curtained room when they put an IV in Rey’s arm. Ben stays, but almost suffers his own episode of syncope. He silently wondered how the hell she not only comfortably sat through the entire thing, but insisted on watching the needle go into her arm.

Of course, she’d been through worse. _Much_ worse.

Maz finally returns her call, and almost leaves Chewie at his doctor’s appointment. Ben and Finn both insist that Rey would be okay there with them until Maz made it there in the next hour. Within fifteen minutes of fluids and electrolytes through the IV, Rey perks up a little. They were able to give her more Zofran, too, which prevented her from throwing up any more.

Once her medical history including the ‘incident’ is reviewed, the ER physician orders a million more tests. She has even more blood drawn and has to pee in a little cup.

Twenty minutes after that, the first doctor returns, instead of the nurse, and she asks both Ben and Finn to step outside for a few minutes.

When she returns, before Ben and Finn can walk back inside, the doctor stops the two of them.

“Her mother is on her way?”

Ben knows that tone. He knows that facial expression. It’s pity.

“Yeah, she’s at a doctor’s appointment with Rey’s dad.” Finn answers, clearly oblivious to what’s about to happen.

“Is... do we need to call her and have her come sooner? She’s supposed to get here in the next hour.” Ben narrows his eyes at the doctor’s uneasy tone.

“No, no, we can wait that long.”

“Is... is something wrong?” Finn asks, worried.

“I can’t share any medical information, I’m sorry,” she frowns. “She can choose to, of course. And please... if she needs anything before then... a social worker or therapist to speak with...”

Ben’s face hardens as he nods. That just confirmed it.

As the doctor walks away, Finn glances at his brother.

“You should go in and speak to her,” Ben says, swallowing his unease. “She might not want me in the room right now. She might be more comfortable with you…”

“What do you mean?”

“Finn, what happened to her... I think she’s having another... complication from that. She has something difficult to do. Be there for her. You can come get me when she’s comfortable with it.”

It takes a moment, but eventually Finn reads into his brother’s words.

“You think she’s...”

Ben nods.

Finn’s face twitches.

“I know, I know. It’s…” Ben sighs. “I know it’s fucking sad. Forget that right now. She needs her best friend.”

Finn nods.

Rey watches from her periphery as Finn walks in. He says nothing, walking over to sit on the end of her hospital bed. Her knees were clutched to her chest and she was staring at her toes.

She couldn’t believe this.

Well, she could—especially with the way her life had been tumbling down into the void as of late. Of the tiny percentage of cases where the pill she took didn’t work, that she’d be one of them...

And now, she’d have to go through it again. Some medication... a huge word... a chemical that would force her body to commit murder.

It wasn’t murder, though, right?

_Fuck_.

“You wanna talk about it?” Finn asks.

Rey just shakes her head.

“I just... I wanna be alone right now. If that’s okay.”

She continues to stare at her toes.

“I’ll be right outside... you’re sure?” Finn asks, placing his hand on her forearm.

She nods.

When he walks back outside, Ben raises an eyebrow.

“She said she wanted to be alone.”

Ben runs his hands through his hair before slumping down into the chair outside the room.

“Fuck.”

He hated this. More than anything. This was by far the _worst_ thing that had ever happened to him and it hadn’t even happened _to_ him.

“Go find her nurse,” Ben sighs. “Ask if she can eat. If she can, go get her some candy or something. That rainbow sour shit she likes. Get her something to drink, too. Here.”

He pulls a wad of cash from his wallet and searches for a bunch of ones. He hands him those and a twenty, too. Maybe $20 worth of that shitty candy would make her feel better.

It was a stupid-ass thing to hope for, but Ben was clutching on to any hope for her now.

“What are you gonna do?” Finn asks.

“I’m just gonna make sure she’s okay.” Ben shakes his head. “Go on.”

Rey’s eyes drift upward almost reluctantly at the sound of the door opening again. She’d expected Finn or another nurse or doctor.

It was Ben.

Her eyes raced back down to her toes again. She figured this was something she needed to get used to. Pity. Everyone would know. The giant, fucking suffocating elephant that would follow her into every room she went in until the day she died.

The girl who was raped at sixteen. Knocked up at sixteen. That would be her trademark.

“You like that sour shit, right?”

Ben’s voice surprises her, and she raises a thoroughly confused eyebrow.

“That sour candy shit. The rainbow stuff.” He explains.

“Oh,” she’s even more confused now. She wasn’t sure how this was remotely relevant. “Yeah.”

“Good,” he nods. “I had Finn go get you some.”

She just looks back down at her toes. A moment later, when his hand slowly moves to her feet, she glances up at him.

“I know I’m going to sound like a hypocritical asshole,” he sighs. “But you’re gonna be okay. It’ll all get better, at some point. Even though it’s hell now.”

She lowers her gaze, steeling the muscles in her face and trying to keep from crying. Her face was hot and her eyes burned. She’d became pretty good at hiding her emotions. She’d only had a major breakdown once now. Ironically enough, in front of Ben. She was afraid she was about to go for number two. It was like she was incapable of being dishonest around him. She turned into a waterfall, pouring every single insecurity and fear from her mind.

“And you shouldn’t be embarrassed. None of this was your choice. None of this was your fault. You know that, don’t you?”

His thumb had started gently brushing back and forth against the top of her foot. Her eyes were beyond hope now. Small tears were already escaping.

“You don’t have to hold everything in all the time. That shit’s not good for you, anyways. _You_ of all people should be allowed to cry whenever the hell you want.”

She glances up at him, expecting to see his face full of pity and sadness, but she sees a lopsided smile.

Full strength sobs explode from her body, and the smile is immediately wiped from Ben’s face. He rushes to pull her small body to his, careful not to pull on any of the IV wire shit attached to her arm. Her body is rigid and tremors tear through her.

“Hey, you’re okay, kid,” he tries his best to remain calm. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

Ben let her cry, feeling relief only when she began to relax. He could tell just how exhausted she was. Her head was slumped right under his collarbone at a surely uncomfortable angle, but she made no effort to move. Her arms were limp and weak, falling from around her knees.

He thankfully catches Finn as he’s about to open the door and nods his head away for his brother to wait.

Minutes pass before he notices her breathing become slow.

She’s asleep.

He gently maneuvers out from under her, leaning her back gently onto the hospital bed before covering her. She stirs for a moment, and he’s afraid he’s woken her.

“You’re alright...”

Thankfully she falls right back to sleep. He tiptoes out of the room, making sure to stand near the tiny window so he can see if she wakes up.

“She okay?” Finn asks.

“Relatively,” Ben sighs, noticing the candy in Finn’s hand. “She’ll probably want that when she wakes up. I mentioned it to her.”

“She seems to calm down around you,” Finn notes, genuine sadness in his voice. “I wish she could feel that with me. And Rose. And Poe.”

Ben frowns.

“It’s just cause I’m... older, I guess. Maybe she thinks I know what I’m talking about because I’ve been around longer. Maybe it’s because she cares too much about you guys. She doesn’t want to bother you. Or have you pity her. I don’t know. Just try to be there for her. Don’t tiptoe around it, but don’t be insensitive, either.”

Finn nods.

“So, they’re gonna... get rid of it?”

“I’m assuming they’re waiting until Maz gets here to give her the medication. I’d say it’s some powerful shit. She might not want company today or tomorrow, but maybe you and Poe and Rose could hang out with her over the weekend. Distract her.”

“Benjamin, Finn,” they both hear Maz’s voice and turn on a dime. “Where is she? What’s wrong?”

“Finn, why don’t you go sit with Rey,” Ben clears his throat, and Finn nods. “Be quiet. She’s still asleep.”

Ben pulls Maz into a more secluded area of the hallway.

“She was really sick and weak this morning, so she called Finn,” Ben begins, feeling his heart race. He didn't know how to do this. He wasn't sure anyone had written a protocol for shit like this, though. There was no way to make it easy. “I was home, and figured they could do with an adult going with them, so I came, too. They gave her fluids and anti-nausea meds... which helped a lot. They, uh... they ran tests.”

Maz begins to cry immediately.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry, Maz.”

“She took the medicine, afterwards... when... when it happened...” she shakes her head.

“Apparently, it didn’t take.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Maz breaks down, and Ben feels his own eyes sting. “She’s my world. How could something like this happen to someone? Anyone? But _her_? And then this... I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. Take it all away.”

Ben just nods. He watches as she wipes at her eyes, steeling herself. Her eyes were less bright than what he could remember from his childhood. She was happier with Rey in her life, that much was clear. But, now… She’d immediately loved Rey so much she’d become symbiotic with her. When Rey’s light dimmed, Maz’s did, too.

“Is she... how is she now?”

“Exhausted,” Ben runs his hand through his hair. “A little... numb, I guess. At first. Finn tried to talk to her, but I think she was too embarrassed. I went to ask if she needed anything and try to tell her she’d be alright... she lost it. I think the crying took everything out of her. She’s asleep, now.”

Maz nods, wiping her eyes again.

“Thank you,” she rubs her hand along the back of his arm. “I’m so glad she’s got your family to lean on, too.”

“Of course. She’s part of the family.”

Rey wakes up and feels almost drugged. Her mind was fuzzy and her limbs felt like they weighed a ton each. She sees Maz sitting on the edge of her hospital bed—

Hospital.

Recollection floods her brain. Camping out in her bathroom, Finn carrying her downstairs, him and Ben taking her to the emergency room.

The thing growing inside her.

“Mom?” She speaks gently, and Maz’s head turns.

“Hi, _stellina_,” Maz’s hand reaches out for Rey’s. “How are you feeling?”

Rey's brain comes up with 'shitty' as a first response, but she decides to scrap that one. 

“Okay.”

“Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

Rey’s attention focused on her stomach.

There was a... thing. In there.

“Not really.”

There’s a quick knock on the door before one of the first doctors Rey saw walks in. Her face is noticeably less perky, and she’s got three tiny orange bottles in her hands.

“Hi, Rey,” she smiles. “This must be your mom. I’m Dr. Jones.”

“Maz.”

“Rey, I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through,” Dr. Jones takes a deep breath. “And I hate to have to put you in this position, but it’s important that we know now. It seems there is an embryo attached inside of your uterus. I reviewed your medical history, involving an incident around a month or so ago. No longer than seven weeks, correct?”

“Four weeks and five days.”

Rey’d counted the days. The hours. The minutes. She'd thought there'd be a magic number where all of her problems would disappear, but she hadn't found that number yet, it seemed.

“And that has been your only...” Dr. Jones’ voice trails off.

“Yes.” Rey steadies her face.

She can feel Maz’s hands shaking around her own.

“Generally, in these cases, an abortion is what women elect to do,” She continues. “However, we never assume. The choice is completely up to you.”

“Is it... a pill? Or, um... a procedure?” Rey asks.

She doesn’t think she could handle the possibility of another medical violation.

“It’s two pills. I can explain how they work, if you’d like,” Dr. Jones waits as Rey nods. “The first is mifepristone. This blocks progesterone production in the body, which is essential for a fetus to develop. Then, you’ll take a medication six to eight hours later called misoprostol. It causes intense cramping and uterine bleeding. It’ll expel any of the tissue inside your uterus.”

So, ten hours later, she’s still essentially camped out in her bathroom. Again.

Her first period had been awkward, if anything.

This… this was hell.

She was concerned she was about to lose all the blood in her body, and that the muscles in her abdomen were trying to kill her. The cramping was the absolute worst of it. She’d googled the drugs after she got home... the last one, the one causing the bleeding... it was used to help women go into labor.

No wonder she felt like shit.

She bleeds for days.

She bleeds so much Maz becomes concerned about her pallor. Rey had lightly tanned skin typically, even in the dead of winter. But especially with the summer months having just passed, she’d been fairly tanned. Now, she looked like a ghost. She could trace the greenish and purple hues of her blood vessels all the way up her arms.

And even though she didn’t want to leave her room, she had agreed to spend the evening at Finn’s so that Maz would have a chance to breathe. She hated, loathed what was going on with her body, but knowing what it was doing to Maz and Chewie only made her hate it even more.

Finn, Rose, and Poe were all worried about how to act around Rey. They’d slowly began to realize things wouldn’t just revert back to normal after a designated time period. It would be a process. A shitty one, at that.

Rey thought maybe she’d be granted some sort of reprieve for the night from the universe. Maybe for the next three or four hours she would have a break from being fucked over. Maybe that was possible.

But then Rose barely even touched her when she hugged her. Her voice was chipper in a way that wasn’t Rose at all. She didn’t make jokes like she usually did.

Poe was calm. Subdued. He wasn’t his loud, flamboyant, exuberant self.

Finn was the most normal of all of them, nudging Rey every once in a while when he’d crack a joke, but careful, all the same.

And then there was the phrase ‘are you okay’. She’d heard it ten times in the first half hour. Every time she’d change positions on the couch or if she was quiet for too long.

She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to cope like this.

If she ever would.

* * *

In what felt like years and seconds simultaneously, somehow time had progressed far enough to where instead of hot sun and green leaves, there was now snow, ice, and foggy windows every morning when Rey woke up. 

This was the first year the Solos and the Kanatas wouldn't be going upstate to the lodge for Christmas. 

The reason they'd all decided to use was that Chewie should be home, near his doctors so soon after his surgery earlier in the year. Rey knew damn well that Chewie would've told them all that it was a crock of shit and they'd all be upstate right now if it wasn't for her. She was young, and arguably naive, but she wasn't an idiot. 

She'd been dreading this day for a totally different reason. She'd actually managed to reschedule the appointment twice, but she figured if she tried for a third, she'd just add another appointment with her therapist to the list of shit she really didn't want to do. 

Today, she had a follow-up appointment with her gynecologist. It wasn't just any follow-up appointment, either. She'd have to have a physical exam, on top of the other shit she'd likely feel uncomfortable doing or talking about. 

She'd refused to take her anxiety medication for months now. She'd told herself if she felt like death was imminent, she might take one. So when she heard that Finn, Han, and Ben were all out in the garage with Chewie working on one of his old cars, she took a fucking pill. She knew exactly what would happen when she and Maz walked into the garage to leave, and she knew if she didn't have some form of a benzodiazepine in her system, she'd be fucked before she could even make it to the doctor's office where she could be fucked over again. 

And it all played out like she'd imagined.

When they arrive in the garage, Finn and Han both immediately greet her and Maz, while Ben muffles some form of a greeting from under the old Fairlane. 

"Where you guys headed to? You'll want to watch those roads... Might be a little slick." Han sounds out.

"Just a doctor's appointment." Maz says dismissively, and Han gets the memo to can it. 

Finn doesn't.

"You're not sick, are you? Is it just like a check up?" 

Before anyone can respond, Finn shouts loudly and jumps backward. 

Apparently, Ben had 'accidentally' ran over Finn's feet with the creeper he was laying on under the Fairlane. Rey and Maz both get to leave before anyone else can say anything stupid. She feels the pill she took kick in right before she goes in for her exam, which she considers to be a little miracle. 

The next miracle occurs when the exam isn't horrifically painful or uncomfortable. It's awkward and makes her feel like she's not in control of her own body, but she doesn't panic. She doesn't hurt. Maybe Xanax wasn't as horrible as she'd thought. 

It all goes to shit whenever the doctor returns to the exam room once Rey's dressed again. 

If she wasn't technically high, Rey knows Maz would've asked her to drive home. Instead, she sits in the car and waits while Maz uses the restroom inside. 

For fifteen minutes.

When she returns, her eyes are still bloodshot and her face has telltale dried tears smeared across it. Rey couldn't exactly blame her. Being told you'll never naturally have a child must've been difficult for Maz. She eventually got to adopt Rey, regardless. Now, though, she'd been told she'd never have a grandchild. 

Rey didn't know how to feel. She felt it would be a bit hypocritical to be sad or angry. She'd been technically pregnant just months ago and ended it. Twice, in fact. And it wasn't like she wanted a child now or any time in the foreseeable future. But there was so much more to it than that. Much more than she felt like thinking about. Like if she'd ever even be able to fall in love. Get to the point where she'd find someone she wanted to spend her life with. She'd considered it highly unlikely, if not totally impossible. But her therapist told her to not think in absolutes, so she'd go with very highly unlikely for now. If that ever even happened, what the hell was she supposed to tell them? 

_Oh, sorry. By the way, hope you weren't wanting to start a family. I was raped at sixteen, and had a failed abortion before a successful one, so now my uterus is shit and I can't have a child._

She was sure that was something people considered a 'dealbreaker'. 

By some miracle, the garage is seemingly empty when she and Maz return home. When Maz gets out of the car and Rey stays seated inside, she opens her door back to look at her daughter. 

"_Stellina?_"

"I'm fine, just want to sit here for a few minutes." 

Rey even offers a small, likely unconvincing smile, to try and sell it. She knew there might be a crowd inside, and she didn't want to deal with that at the moment. 

"Okay... don't stay too long, alright? I know you're tired. Come inside and rest in a few minutes." 

Rey nods and watches as Maz walks inside. She sits there for a second before she gets out of the car and moves to where the door to the side patio was, sitting on an old tire and watching the snow continue to fall through the little window in the door. 

The sound of metal clamoring and wheels rolling against concrete makes her spin on the tire. 

Ben rolls out from under the Fairlane and takes an apprehensive look at Rey. He'd unfortunately gotten the gist of what had happened when Chewie got a frantic phone call from Maz in the bathroom of the doctor's office. He also couldn't tell what she was thinking. When he was at the hospital with her last, he could read her face. Either she was getting good at hiding her emotions or she was just tired of feeling altogether. He figured it could be a bit of both. He wipes his hands off on an oil rag before sitting down on Chewie's old stool and rolling to where he was more in Rey's line of vision. 

"I know it's a dumb-ass question, but... are you okay?" He raises an eyebrow, studying her to make sure he's not doing something wrong by asking. 

Rey snorts at him, almost amused. She figures it's the Xanax.

"Relatively."

A hint of a smile stays on her face while she thinks of how much Ben's hair has grown in the months since she last saw him. It's always been thick and dark and prone to growing half a foot in weeks. That makes her think of her own hair, which had just recently started thinning. It took forever to loop a hair tie around her hair enough times to hold it tightly on her head...

Ben watches as Rey stares off at the floor between them, her face falling. 

"Rey?"

Her eyes snap back up to his and she flushes, shaking her head to clear it.

"Sorry," She sighs. "Xanax. No wonder people get addicted to this shit."

Ben isn't sure how to respond to that, so he glances back at the open hood of the Fairlane. 

"Wanna hand me those wrenches?" He asks her, nodding to the tool bench behind her. He figures distraction might be the most appropriate thing to do in the moment. 

She walks over to grab the box of wrenches, which ends up having a little of everything in it, and then walks back over to where the Fairlane is to sit in the open driver's seat while he leans over the side, looking under the hood.

"Uh... is there a five eighths in there?" 

Rey shuffles through the metal until she finds what she's looking for, reaching it around to him. She starts to grow even more sleepy from the Xanax, so she lays her head against the torn vinyl of the top of the seat in the Fairlane. Her mind becomes muddled and she starts thinking. Aloud.

"Do you think Maz is mad at me?"

Ben's hand freezes around the wrench and he composes himself before tilting his head back to look at her. Does she know he knows?

"I figured Maz called Chewie," Rey explains, twirling a lone drill bit in her hands. "And that damn phone is loud, so..."

"She'd _never_ be mad at you. Or blame you. Or think any differently of you. It isn't your fault. You know that, right?" 

Ben watches as she continues absentmindedly twirling the drill bit between her fingers. 

"Yeah," She finally replies, dropping the bit back into the plastic box. "You're right. "

He hands the wrench back to her when he's finished and he can tell she's still dwelling on the thought. He asks her for a screwdriver and she wordlessly hands it to him. 

"Dad and I had Finn out here trying to help," He speaks up, changing tactics again. "You should've seen it."

Rey lazily rolls her head to the side, able to barely see him from the small crack in between the car door and the hood in her line of vision. She raises an eyebrow for him to continue.

"Your dad asked Finn for needle-nose pliers," He tries to focus on the rusted bolt he's trying to pry from the old engine, but he's too distracted. "Because they were laying right beside him. He looked around him for a solid minute and a half before telling us there was nothing with needles on it around him."

"Yeah," Rey feels her whole body succumb to lazy laughter, her head falling back against the car's seat again. "That sounds like Finn."

"You should've seen him trying to help me and Dad when we built that new shed out in the back yard," Ben finds himself laughing at the memory. "Jesus, that was something."

Her laughter is payment enough to continue into the story. So he spares no detail, feeling some sort of blessed accomplishment in the fact that he was not only distracting her, but making her feel something positive for once. When he pauses a few minutes later, he looks up and sees her tired head craned at an angle against the door frame of the car. 

She was sleeping. 

He didn't want to wake her, but he didn't want to leave her there with her neck at a near ninety degree angle, either. He wipes his hands off on his oil rag again before carefully lifting her from the car and carrying her inside. 

When Rey wakes up in her own bed a few hours later, she can faintly notice the smell of oil on her sweater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) Hopefully I won't pull a four month sabbatical before I update again... The next chapter will be shitty, but a little less shitty than these last two have been. And after chapter 7, things will become different (wink wink). 
> 
> \- kristen
> 
> twitter: @kylouwu


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a double dose of birthday action in this chapter, and Rey comes to terms with herself and the process of moving on. 
> 
> There's a pun in the sentence above and I didn't realize it until after writing it but I'm totally leaving it for you guys to catch after reading the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes from PG to PG-13 kinda? Y'know... in *certain* ways.

Rey had beaten herself up about not going to Finn’s birthday party since he announced he was having one in the first place weeks ago. But since he was having a full blown party and inviting tons of people, she’d figured it was best to avoid the crowd and an unnecessary Xanax if she could. She waits around all day, baking a pumpkin pie of all things, and watching for the last stragglers at Finn’s to leave. When the only car left in the driveway besides Ben's Jeep is Finn’s, she tells Maz before walking over to the Solos’.

Ben answers the door and Rey’s eyes travel directly behind him to Leia, who stands up with a forced smile and bloodshot, teary eyes.

“Hey, Rey,” Ben clears his throat. He seems equally distressed, but he’s better at hiding it. “It’s good to see you... Finn, um... he’s...”

“She can come up,” Finn announces from the top of the stairs. “If that’s okay.”

Both Leia and Han exchange glances. She sees Han sitting in his chair with his elbows leaning on his knees. She can’t exactly see, but she’s assuming his signature whiskey is what he’s nursing in the glass in his hand. Rey knits her eyebrows and feels her heart rate pick up from the unease. Ben seems to notice.

“It’s cool, Rey, you can head on up.” He assures her.

She looks down to the pumpkin pie in her hands. Ben follows her vision and seems to put two and two together.

“Here, hold on a second...”

He runs into the kitchen and grabs a couple of plates and forks, and a knife to cut the pie with.

“Here.”

He takes the pie and sits it on the plates he’d given her, sitting the utensils on top so she could easily carry them.

“Thanks.” She mumbles, looking up to where Finn had now disappeared from the top of the stairs.

When she peeks her head into Finn’s room, she sees him sitting on the floor by his bed, his head hung low.

“Finn?”

“Hey, Rey,” he turns to her and offers a smile. She can tell he’d been crying.

“Finn, you’re scaring me,” Rey admits, moving to sit beside him on the floor. She sits his present and the pie beside her and turns to him. “Are you okay?”

“Um... I don’t know,” he clears his throat. “Mom... mom and dad found out.”

She pales. His tone sounds sad. She didn’t think Leia and Han would be upset... they weren’t those kind of people. She’s sure they’d be surprised and a little upset that he didn’t tell them sooner.

“I’m assuming you hadn’t planned on that today?”

“No, hell no,” he shakes his head. “And neither was Poe. _Fuck_, Rey...”

Tears form in his eyes again and Rey feels her own tears threatening to spill.

“What is it? Were they mad? They seemed... off, but—“

“Not... not exactly mad, no,” He sighs, wiping his face. “A little surprised and sad I hadn’t told them sooner. But... it’s just... it’s Poe. His family... no one around him knows. He’s worried... that my parents—“

“Will tell his,” Rey nods, frowning. “Are his parents...”

“They’re nice enough. But they’re... well. Let’s just say having their son have a black kid as a best friend growing up was about as progressive as they’d be willing to get.”

“Oh, no... Finn, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. I really do.” She leans against his arm.

“Mom and dad agreed not to say anything just yet. Poe will be eighteen in a few weeks, anyways.”

Rey nods.

“If it’s any help... I made you a pie,” Rey offers a smile. “And brought over your present.”

She’d been rusty... very, _very_ rusty when she’d picked up her paints again. But she thought Finn’s present turned out fairly good.

He tears into it quickly and holds up the frame.

“Holy shit... did you paint this?” He raises an eyebrow.

Rey nods, laughing at his reaction. She’d gotten the idea for the faux sports magazine cover from Pinterest. Although the one she’d seen was digital and used photoshopped images, she’d decided to do a more artistic rendition.

“Happy Birthday, Peanut.”

“This is sick, Rey,” he shakes his head in disbelief. “Really... you’re so good at this shit. Thank you.”

He sits the painting down gently and wraps her in a hug.

“You’re welcome,” she smiles. “I made Poe one for his birthday, too.”

“Oh, he’ll love it... you know how much Poe _loves_ his own reflection,” Finn laughs. “Let’s take that pie downstairs. There’s whipped cream in the fridge.”

“You sure?”

He nods.

“I was just giving mom and dad some space.” He explains.

“Does Ben know?” She wonders.

He nods.

“I think he may have known much longer than he lets on... he’s intuitive that way. Kinda like you.”

Rey feels her cheeks flush with heat as she follows him downstairs.

“Decide to share?” Ben smiles, gesturing to the pie.

“If you’re lucky,” Finn narrows his eyes playfully. “Check this out... Rey painted it for me for my birthday.”

He holds the painting up for Ben to look at, and soon enough Leia and Han are both walking into the kitchen to get a good look.

“You painted this?” Ben asks, raising an eyebrow.

Rey nods timidly.

“Oh, my goodness... Rey, this is wonderful,” Leia smiles. “Han, look at this.”

“I’m _right_ beside you, woman,” Han laughs. “Hadn’t we already established the kid was like Da Vinci or whatever his name was?”

Rey laughs, rolling her eyes.

She and Han walk over to where Finn is attempting to cut the pie. Ben lags behind, walking up to stand by Rey at the kitchen island.

“You knew, too, didn’t you?” He whispers, and Rey’s head snaps up to his.

“Oh,” she looks back down at her hands. “Yeah... um... he’d told me a while ago. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone because—“

“No, I get it, don’t worry,” he assures her. “It’s not your secret to tell. I’m glad you didn’t. I was just curious.”

She nods, leaning her arms onto the cold marble countertop.

“Did you? Know... I mean.”

“Not concretely,” he shakes his head. “But I’d had my suspicions for a couple years... Thank you, Rey.”

He lays his hand gently on Rey’s forearm, and she stills. She looks at the sight for a moment... his hand is the size of her entire forearm, spanning from her wrist to her elbow, even passing it by a hair. But then his finger moves just a hair along her wrist and she winces.

He notices immediately.

“Shit... I’m sorry, Rey, I—“

“It’s fine, really,” she shakes her head, hurrying to stretch the sleeves of her hoodie back down to her palms. “They’re basically healed... it’s just where the skin is thin and there’s a lot of nerves... it makes it more—“

It didn’t even hurt, to be completely honest. It just evoked a subconscious response to have anything to near her wrists now. If sleeves were too tight, she couldn’t even wear them. It almost made her claustrophobic.

“You don’t have to explain, it’s okay,” he tells her. “I wasn’t thinking.”

She’s surprised when his hand moves back down to her hand, making sure to avoid her wrist.

“Thank you, though,” he tells her. “For being there for my brother. Being someone he can trust. You’ve always stuck with him and stood up for him, and that means a lot to all of us.”

Rey’s surprised at how serious the conversation is. She begins to think Finn’s faced a little more than he’s let on.

“Of course. He does the same for me.”

His hand moves as he walks around to the other side of her, closer to where Leia had taken over for Finn cutting the pie.

“And while I disagreed with Luke on nearly _everything_ imaginable, God rest his soul,” Ben clears his throat. “I’ll have to agree with him on one thing. You’re by far the most talented student he’s ever had. No contest.”

Rey knows her cheeks are red. They feel like they’re on fire.

Before she can fumble over an embarrassed 'thank you', Ben changes the subject.

“Well, we better go get a piece of pie before Finn and my Dad finish it off.”

Rey laughs and nods, following him over and watching as he wrestles his younger brother away from the pie. She feels a little guilty, but her eyes watch as Ben’s arm muscles test the confines of the sleeve of his t-shirt.

But then something reminds her of her wrists again, and that just reminds her of everything else... and the little spark of joy begins to fade again. She nervously tugs at her sleeves and plasters the most realistic smile onto her face to try and finish out the evening.

Because she was okay. She couldn’t afford to be not okay.

She just needed time.

* * *

The distinct sound her alarm clock made had always elicited some deeply rooted hatred within Rey, but now it was even worse.

Rey’s grip on her dresser tightens to the point that her knuckles start turning white. She reminds herself to breathe. _Actually_ breathe. Focus on the breathing. Her traitorous eyes open and fall onto the little orange bottle sat enticingly close to her hands.

“You don’t need it. You’re not crazy.”

The sound of her alarm clock continuously going off did nothing but annoy her. She wasn’t sure why she even sat an alarm now. She was always awake at least half an hour before it was set to go off.

This morning it was 6:45.

Today was her birthday.

To be honest, she wasn’t exactly sure how an entire year had passed. She was three days away from a year since the incident and she still couldn’t refer to it as anything but ‘the incident’. She still couldn’t wear anything tight around her wrists. She’d started keeping hair ties around her ankles. She couldn’t handle large crowds, though the number she could handle rose a little over the year. If she fell asleep and rolled onto her stomach before waking up, she’d have a panic attack. She could tolerate a hug, but only if she knew it was coming. And she couldn’t handle a hug from behind. She’d learned that the hard way with Poe, who’d been afraid to hug her ever since. Swimming was out of the question for now. Even if she wore a one-piece, she felt panic bubble inside her and she still had the scars from the cuts on the backs and insides of her upper thighs. She had less nightmares when she slept now. That was something.

And today was her 17th birthday.

“Some fucking birthday.”

She shuts off her alarm and spends the next twenty minutes in the shower, willing the hot water to relax her tensed muscles. It works a little, at least.

She roughly drags a towel across her head so her hair isn’t totally wet, then dresses for the day.

Ironically enough, this had become a form of an accomplishment—basic hygiene and putting on different clothes.

She’d finally been able to wear shorts over the last year. She didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but according to her therapist it was a huge victory. She still preferred hoodies, even with the shorts, when it wasn’t stifling hot and she was indoors. But, for today, she could handle shorts and a t-shirt. She could call that an accomplishment, too.

“Rey?”

She recognizes Finn’s voice some time later when she hears the front door close downstairs. It was always kept locked, but the Solos had a spare in case Rey needed them.

Finn, of course, used it at his leisure.

“Upstairs.” 

He’s at her doorway in an instant, thankfully freshly showered and changed. The only reason for him being up at this hour was the early practices for the varsity team. He’d be gone from around five in the morning until nearly noon most days. Rey assumes he must’ve gotten out early today.

“Happy Birthday, Peanut!”

“Thanks, Finn,” She replies, muffled into his shoulder as he hugs her and lifts her off the floor for a moment. “How was practice?”

“Miraculously cut short,” he sighs in relief. “Coach is going out of town later today, so we got a break.”

Rey nods.

“I came to warn you, because I know you and surprises don’t really mix...”

Rey’s eyes narrow.

“Your mom was planning to warn you when she gets home, but I figured I’d pre-warn you just to be safe.”

Impending doom sets in.

“She _didn’t_.”

“I know, I know, but it’s not as bad as you’re thinking, I swear,” he holds his hands up in defense. “She really only came up with the idea after mom suggested it yesterday, so it’s not like it’s super planned out. Ben got home yesterday, and so—“

“Ben’s home?”

Rey scolds herself at how her brain doesn’t even let her hide how happy she gets.

“Yeah, he got in yesterday evening. He’s over at his new place now, setting stuff up. But since he’s been gone a while and everything, your mom and my mom just figured a little cookout would be nice. Nothing crazy. Just us. And Poe. And Rose.”

Rey sighs. She figures it could be worse.

At least Ben would be there. She’d wondered just why Ben would buy a whole house if he was planning on being back in the city for a year for his master’s. He would’ve been home for good this summer, after an internship he had, but he’d decided to stay in the city for another year while he got his master’s. Finn had mentioned something about him flipping the house while he was home this summer. That only made her wonder where the hell a college kid got the money to buy a house to fix up and sell in the first place. That led to another explanation about stock markets and investments and shit, and that was where Rey inevitably bowed out of her search for understanding.

They hear a car horn sound out from outside and Rey walks to her window.

“It’s Ben’s Jeep.” She tells Finn as she continues to stare with a hint of rising excitement.

“He must’ve got finished early... he was gonna go stop at the hardware store in town so he can get more flooring nails. He ran out...”

“Flooring?” Rey follows him downstairs.

“He’s redoing the flooring at his place... it’s an older home. He contracted most of it... while he was gone. He’s doing this himself, I guess.”

“He knows how?”

She just figured he’d pay someone else to fix it up. She knew he helped Han and her dad work on old cars, but she didn’t know he knew this kind of stuff. Was there anything he didn’t know how to do?

“Him and dad built the greenhouse out back a couple years before you got here,” Finn nods. “I wasn’t much help.”

“That’s not surprising.” Rey snorts.

“Hey—“

“You coming or not?” Ben yells out his driver’s side window.

His hair’s shorter this time. Even though it’s pushed back out of his face by his sunglasses, Rey can tell. It barely falls past his ears now. He must’ve cut it.

“To the hardware store?” Finn asks.

“After I get something to eat,” Ben nods. “There’s not a damn thing to eat in that house yet.”

Rey moves from behind Finn in the doorway and Ben seems to notice.

“Rey,” he smiles. “Happy Birthday, kid.”

“Thanks.”

Rey can feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. She avoided analyzing that reaction.

“You ate yet?”

“Oh... uh, no, but I’m just gonna—“

“Birthday pancakes are on me,” he nudges his head toward his Jeep. “Hop in.”

“Let me grab my phone so I can tell Maz where I’m at,” she blurts, then runs back upstairs.

She frantically grabs her phone and an old jacket—one Finn gave her—since she knew she’d freeze once they were inside any restaurant with AC. She runs her fingers through her hair a few times to tousle it, brushes her errant eyebrows back into place and grabs her chapstick. After glaring at her own reflection in dissatisfaction, she mumbles a quick ‘fuck it’ and decides it’ll have to do.

She notices the same orange bottle sitting right where she’d left it earlier. This time, she had no urge to take one of the tiny little pills inside.

Rey, Finn, and Ben eat their weight in pancakes before they make their way to the hardware store, which poses its own difficulty for Rey.

Rey specifically makes an effort to not look at Ben while his back is turned to her. Or away from her, really. She dared not to look to long unless he was talking directly to her. That was the safest bet. He was in an old pair of basketball shorts and an even older white t-shirt he’d cut the sleeves (and most of the sides) off of. That meant his entire side, and depending on the way the wind was blowing, parts of his chest, was _gloriously_ on display.

She’d thought he was a giant three years ago.

That was nothing. Ben was a tree. And not just some generic oak tree. The guy was definitely a sequoia.

When Ben returns to the Jeep and they set back off, he takes the long way.

“Why are you going this way?” Finn asks.

“Just felt like it.” Ben answers evasively.

Finn eyes him suspiciously but Rey pays no mind. She innately trusted him, which was something else she wasn’t about to let her mind analyze any further. She trusts he’s just driving this way because he wants to.

That is until he stops again at the end of their street and looks into the back seat at Rey.

“Trust me?” He asks.

“Huh?” Rey squeaks, her whole body flushing from his direct attention.

He holds out a eye mask—one someone would use for sleeping. It’s a decorated novelty number with monkey ears on each side.

“There may or may not be a surprise involving your birthday. And I don’t want you to see it early.” Ben fights a smirk.

“She knows about the cookout.” Finn rolls his eyes.

“Just... humor me. But if it’s too much, just close your eyes.” Ben says.

Rey takes the mask, putting it over her eyes. She can detect a flash even though her vision is almost completely obscured.

“Did you just take a picture, Finn?”

“Of course not.” Finn squeaks.

She feels Ben start driving again, and a minute later, the Jeep pulls to a stop. She hears one door open, the sound coming from Finn’s side, then she hears Ben.

“I’m gonna come back and help you out, okay?”

She nods, then feels her door open. She’s embarrassed at how her nerves are all but forgotten when she feels his hands on her (she also idly wonders if his hands should be considered bear paws due to their sheer size) while helping her out of the Jeep and steering her onto the grass of what she’s assuming is either hers or Finn’s front yard.

“Ready?” 

“Yeah?” Rey laughs nervously.

Ben gently removes her mask and it takes a second for her eyes to adjust and find exactly what it was she was supposed to be seeing.

“Is that?” Rey squeals, eyes bright.

“Happy Birthday, sweetheart!” Maz smiles wildly, clasping her hands together and nearly jumping up and down from excitement.

Rey wanted to yell ‘holy fuck’, but she figured she’d spare her mother and father. She couldn’t believe what was in front of her.

It’s a _car_. A literal fucking car.

Well, a SUV, technically. It looks only a few years old, too.

And she’s assuming it’s hers.

“A car?! Mom... Dad...I... you didn’t...”

And now, Rey’s nearly crying.

“Oh, come on, kid. You’ll be off to college in a year, you’ll need something to get around in.” Chewie smiles excitedly, arguably more excited than Rey herself.

“And Ben actually helped,” Maz adds. “His friend from work was selling it, so we got a pretty good deal.”

“The sound system was shit, so I put a new one in,” Ben leans down and nudges her shoulder with his crossed arm. “Everyone needs a good sound system.”

Rey laughs.

“You knew, then?” She narrows her eyes up at him.

He shrugs and offers a devilish grin.

Rey idly notices a shiny red BMW pulling into Finn’s driveway. And bright blonde hair in the drivers seat.

“Oh, there’s Gwen now. Be right back.”

Ben quickly jogs over to the next yard just as a very tall, very blonde, very pretty woman climbs out of the drivers seat.

“I think that’s the girl he works with. The one they got your car from,” Finn’s voice makes Rey’s eyes jump away and back to something they should be focusing on—her new car. “She’s in HR or something I think. Totally obsessed with him.”

Rey nods, feigning disinterest.

She _hates_ the woman. Gwen.

After a second, Rey sighs audibly.

No. No she doesn’t. That’s mean.

She just _really_ dislikes her. A lot.

Rey lets herself steal another little glance.

_Fuck_.

Now she’s hugging him. And letting her hands linger on his sides. She’d not been opposed earlier, but now Rey just wanted Ben to put on a normal fucking shirt.

“Rey?”

“Hmm?” Rey turns her attention back to Finn. “Sorry, it’s just really a surprise...”

“I asked if you wanted to check out the inside.”

“Yeah! Sure!” Rey offers a smile.

She climbs in the drivers side of her new ride while Finn gets in the passenger side.

“Wow...” Rey raises her eyebrows once she’s inside.

Leather seats, sunroof, a touchscreen—shouldn’t that be a driving hazard?

She can’t keep her focus on the car for too long. The red Mercedes flashes by and she sees in her rear view that Ben was walking back over. He leans on the window once Rey rolls it down.

Internally, Rey’s brain had stopped functioning. So much of his skin was in close proximity to her. 

“Gwen dropped off the spare key,” He explains, handing it to Rey. “What do you think?”

“It’s... a lot,” Rey shakes her head. “I wasn’t expecting this. At all.”

“That’s the gist of a surprise.” Finn remarks, and Ben leans into the window to smack the side of his head.

The image of the muscles in Ben’s arm and upper back moving under his skin like four inches from her would be forever burned into Rey’s brain now.

Rey felt her skin heat and prickle with goosebumps. Her breathing was shallow and rapid, and her head started getting heavier by the second. If she were completely naive, she’d assume she was heading for a panic attack.

There was another feeling, though. One traitorous, hormone-laden feeling that originated between her legs.

She needed to go inside before she stopped breathing.

“Rey?”

She glances over at Finn and back at Ben. They were both watching her worriedly.

“I had to, um... take some medicine earlier. Just feeling tired now. Um... I think I’ll go lie down... Wanna take it out for a drive after this evening?” She turns her head to Finn.

“Yeah, maybe Poe and Rose can come, too,” he smiles. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.” Rey plasters a smile on her face.

The lie works surprisingly well, and within the next couple of minutes Rey is pacing around in her room trying to think of absolutely _anything_ other than Ben Solo.

She paces to her window, peeking through one of the blinds into the front yard. Her shiny new car was still there, but everyone else was gone.

She could see part of the backyard if she looked through the window on the other side of her room, so she peeked through those.

_Big_ mistake.

Big, giant, fucking _huge_ mistake.

Ben and Finn had already started tossing a football around, both deciding shirts were too inconvenient for them to keep on their bodies due to the suffocating July heat.

Which is fine. It’s totally fine. It’s not even a big deal. Rey’s not bothered in the slightest—

Finn makes an attempt to tackle his older brother, pulling on the fabric of his basketball shorts, and in that attempt he exposes a large portion of Ben’s underwear…

The decision Rey makes next isn’t even a conscious decision. She’s not sure how it’s made, or by what part of her brain. All she knows is that she ends up on her bed with her eyes closed, one hand covering her mouth, and the other slid underneath her shorts. Her eyes are shut like vices, but she sees as vividly as she would if they were open. She sees Ben. _Only_ Ben. She sees him in flashes, brief moments. Skin and sweat and muscles and—

She wasn’t sure what it was supposed to feel like... But she never imagined it would be this strong. Or that it could happen so quickly. Or be so, _so_ good.

Her hand is damp and she lazily notes that she’ll need to change her underwear. She lays sprawled out like a fawn on top of her bed, her chest rising and falling quickly and heavily. She’d lied about being tired earlier, but now...

When she wakes up, it’s to a gentle knock on her door. She freezes after her disorientation fades, as if someone could figure out what she’d been doing earlier.

“Rey?”

She sighs in relief when she hears Finn’s voice.

“You can come in,” she tells him, sitting up and clutching one of her pillows. She watches as his head peeks through the door before he lets himself all the way in. “I was really out... what time is it?”

“Just four-thirty,” he shakes his head. “I wanted to check on you. You feeling okay? You look a little flushed.”

Rey stills.

“I’m good,” her voice is much higher and paced much quicker than usual. “Is everyone here already?”

“Yeah, Poe and Rose just got here a few minutes ago.”

“Okay... I’m just gonna change and I’ll be down.”

Rey can’t help but pout when Ben announces he's leaving early that night. He’d mentioned something about a contractor delivering tiling to him in the morning to Maz before walking over to where Rey was sitting beside Rose.

“Hey, Ben.” Rose smiles.

“Hey, Rose,” he smiles back. “Good to see you. How’s your sister and her husband been? And the baby... Emma, right?”

“They’re both doing good,” Rose beams when Emma’s mentioned. “Emma turned a year old in May. Paige mentioned you’d gotten to meet her.”

“Yeah, I saw them once when I was back in NYC for school,” He nods. “Tell her I said ‘hi’.”

“I will.”

“Well, since I’m old, I’m bowing out of this party early,” he turns his attention to Rey. “Wanted to give you this, first.”

It’s a tiny box with gold wrapping paper. She raises an eyebrow before taking it and gently tearing at the paper.

She’s not sure just what she’s expecting when she opens the box, but it’s definitely not _this_.

It’s a keychain. But not just any keychain... it’s made of that leather string used for necklaces, and she recognizes the little quartz looking pendant dangling from it—

“_Luke_.”

Tears immediately form in her eyes.

“He had a bunch of these necklaces... swore by the crystals. Said they kept him balanced or some shit.”

Rey laughs as she wipes at her eyes.

“I know you don’t get to paint much anymore, but I thought this might be a way to keep him with you,” Ben shrugs. “I didn’t know if you wore necklaces a lot, so I just made it into—“

“It’s perfect,” Rey shakes her head, jumping up from the picnic table without a second thought and throwing her arms around Ben’s waist. “Thank you.”

His hands briefly pat her back before she imagines Luke staring her down from the beyond for essentially feeling up his nephew and pulls away and stares back down at the keychain.

“You’re welcome, Rey.”

He lingers for just a moment more before saying goodbye to Rey and Rose. Neither one says a word until long after Rey’s watched Ben’s headlights head down the street.

“Rey?”

Rose’s careful voice pulls Rey from her silent reverie. She looks up to see a worried expression painted on her face.

“You... you don’t have to, of course... but you know you can talk to me, right? About anything.”

Rey’s eyes dart back down to Luke’s revamped old necklace as she steels herself. She glances back up at Rose, and with one look at her face, realizes she knows. Rose knows it _all_. She knows how _infatuated_, how ridiculously _gone_ Rey is for Ben Solo, and how much Rey hates how weak that it makes her feel.

Her eyes burn as she fights back tears, but Rey just offers as much of a smile as she can manage before her head falls back down to the braided leather she’d unknowingly wrapped...

...around her wrist.

She waits for the surge of panic to set in once she realizes where the keychain is... but it never comes. The heavy, almost suffocating feeling of longing... some unrequited, impossible fantasy in her head of something she can never have... that was still there in full force and there wasn’t much she could do about it. But for now, she’d celebrate the small victory of having a relatively normal wrist.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Rey raises an eyebrow at Rose.

“Of course not,” Rey shakes her head, attempting to laugh it off. “I just thought I was being more... covert.”

“It’s not noticeable... I just know you. And I’m a girl, too, so... and not to be overbearingly worried, but I’ve tried to pay more attention to you over the last year... read you a little more.”

Rey offers a smile and in an act of comfort for both of them, and pure exhaustion on Rey’s part, she lays her head against Rose’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I’ve not been... _me_. I’m working on it.”

Rose lays her own head against Rey’s.

“You have _nothing_ to apologize for,” Rose brushes it off. “I knew—know it’s impossible, but I still wish I could know exactly what to say or do to make everything okay again. I’m slowly realizing that’s kinda impossible.”

“_Now_ you’re getting it,” Rey snorts, even though she’s teary-eyed. “It’s like... I don’t know. Like I’m trying to get to the other side of... _something_. Like a river. Or a lake. And I’m not moving. At all. I’m either floating or I’m sinking. And I can’t even focus on swimming, because it’s taking _everything_ in me just to float in the same damn spot I’ve been in for the last year.”

Rose takes both her own hands and wraps them around Rey’s.

“Well, lucky for you, that’s why you’ve got all of us. When you want a break and want to move... we can be your... floaties or life vests or... I’m running out of analogies but you get the point.”

Rey laughs loudly.

“And if it’s any consolation, I think Ben would _undoubtedly_ put his name at the top of that list, too. He’s definitely got a soft spot for you.”

Rey stills, but manages a nod against Rose’s shoulder.

“Just... the next time he’s around and you’re around... if you could stage some sort of distraction—“

“Girl, I love you, but it does _not_ work like that,” Rose laughs. “You’re going to be seeing him inside your head when he’s not even around. If you’re not already.”

Rey’s silence seems to answer that question.

“Right. Well,” Rose snorts. “I will do my best. You have my word.”

“Thanks, Rose.”

“Anytime, peanut,” Rose lifts her head from Rey’s. “And you never know... you might just get over him all on your own.”

Rey allows that to remain a possibility for the night, until everyone’s long gone and she’s made a late night trip with Rose and Poe and Finn to the local Dairy Bar for ice cream in her new car and she’s laying in her bed staring at her ceiling fan.

But then she remembers the CD they’d all discovered while Finn messed with her radio on their way to get ice cream. It was a mix of some of her favorite music. Hers specifically, because she knew for a fact—from personal experience—that Ben wasn’t that into Taylor Swift, which he’d generously included in the mix. She’d learned that tidbit of information after a sleepover at Finn’s that included ridiculous amounts of sugar and inevitably, an impromptu karaoke session.

The keychain he’d made her had taken up a permanent residence on her wrist.

And _that’s_ how she knew.

This wasn’t something she’d ever get over. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, there it is. Rey can't avoid it now. All aboard the unrequited love pain train, y'all. But there is some good news... there's only one more chapter between this ambiguity and Rey facing her feelings with the person causing all of them. 
> 
> thank you so, so, so much for reading <3
> 
> twitter: @kylouwu
> 
> -kristen


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically all Ben and Rey. You're welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a little longer than the others, but I didn't want to spare any detail. Things are about to reach the critical point in this story, so there's going to be more lengthy chats and scenes between Rey and Ben.
> 
> Also, the game of Cabo is loosely detailed in this chapter... if you want to google for it to kinda get a feel for what it is, feel free. But it's not the one you buy. You just use a regular card deck. Plus, when I always played, my friends and I had other rules, too, so it's likely that what I wrote won't make any sense anyways, so... you're welcome lmao.

Rey had always thought time moved much slower after summer. From the time she’d go back to school in August to Christmas break in December, she’d usually felt like it’d been ages. This year, though, she felt like she’d blinked and missed the leaves changing colors altogether.

The beginning of September was _not_ fun. Maz took Rey over to Leia’s after school one evening without an explanation.

There’d been an arrest. Two, actually.

When she heard Matt’s name, she felt anger bubbling up inside her. She’d mentioned how horrible and disgusting he was to her. Why had it taken so long to catch him?

He wasn’t involved in the way she’d thought, though. He had an older brother. Owen.

There were two more newer rape cases from neighboring cities that had brought attention to similar patterns of assault and evidence. And one that had happened half a year before Rey’s.

They’d managed to charge him on all four counts, with attempted murder in two of the cases. Rey’s anger fizzled when she heard that. She could’ve been almost killed, too. She wondered if it was because she begged for death when it happened that she had been spared. Some sick from of irony from the universe.

September passes and Rey submits her applications for all the colleges she wanted to apply for. She can’t help but let her hope run a little rampant for the Virginia Tech application. She wanted to be away from home, but not so far away that she’d feel isolated. Plus, she knew Finn and Rose would likely be attending colleges in the same state.

The news of Matt’s arrest in connection with Rey’s assault causes unwanted attention that she finds difficult to avoid. She’d adopted the practice of hiding out in the library when she wasn’t in class now.

She’s surprised to see Kaydel and Jessika seek her out during lunch a week after the news breaks. They weren’t exactly close anymore, which wasn’t really anyone’s fault. Rey’d become isolated after the assault.

She’s even more surprised, and concerned, when there’s tears in both of their eyes.

Matt had tried to pull them away from parties on multiple occasions. He’d put his hands on them without their permission, while they were clearly saying ‘no’, and he’d try to bring them drinks. They’d quickly learned to adopt the practice of never returning to a drink if they’d accidentally laid it down.

What happened to Rey, although Matt hadn’t isolated her himself, could’ve happened to Kaydel and Jessika. It could happen to others.

With the help of Rose and Kira, who are both on the student council, Rey comes up with a plan.

Her art teacher, Miss Erso, helps after Rey comes to the conclusion that she’ll need a faculty sponsor.

She’s able to put together a charity art auction by the end of October. Herself and a handful of other art students donate pieces that are auctioned off, with all funds going towards purchasing items like whistles and drink testers (to detect drugs like rohypnol), and for the development of a safety app for Olive Hill students that can be used and activated when a student feels they’re in an unsafe situation.

She’d done so well the past two months that Rey decides she’ll attempt the Halloween dance the following evening. A little bit of her decision also stems from the fact that Ben was back in town for the weekend and she did _not_ trust her errant brain around him.

She picks the least conspicuous costume she can think of: a witch. She’s essentially hidden in the black cloak and witch’s hat, but out of habit she wears a black long sleeve shirt and leggings underneath.

And to be fair, she doesn’t have a bad time for the first half an hour or so. Finn and Poe were dressed, much to Rey’s amusement, as Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Rose, Jessika, Kira, and Kaydel were the Plastics from Mean Girls. And they were all more or less tipsy from the flask that Kaydel had snuck in. Rey just sat back and watched them all, _totally_ fine with observing rather than participating.

But when the speakers began to play Monster Mash, a _very_ drunk Rose ends up pulling Rey into the middle of the very packed dance floor.

Which is fine.

_Totally_ fine.

Until she’s accidentally bumping into someone else from behind and she trips on the bottom of her cloak, falling face first onto the floor.

And she’s back.

She’s back in the same place she was almost two years ago. With her head in the dirt and her hands tied behind her.

She manages to get up before she completely panics, her legs running without her even telling them to. She makes her way outside and sinks to the cool ground with her body slumped back against the brick wall.

Finn was the driver tonight. But if he left, the others would be left without a driver. And she didn’t want to call Maz or Chewie. They finally got a chance to go out to dinner tonight.

And then, Rey’s typing out a text message before she can think twice.

Ben is technically in the middle of a remote conference call with the company he’d been interning for when he gets the text message.

_Hi, Ben... I’m sorry for bothering you, but I was just wondering if you’re busy right now_

It’s Rey.

Worry blooms over him in an instant and he picks up his phone as covertly as he can to text her back.

_Not busy at all. Where are you? Are you okay?_

He waits impatiently for a response, and decides the conference call in which he served no purpose other than to take notes for his boss who refused to pay attention most of the time can go fuck itself. He stages a ‘disconnection’ and slams his laptop shut before grabbing his keys and calling Rey.

“Hello?”

Rey was a little busy trying to calm down, and couldn’t type out a response quick enough. She answers his phone call on the second ring and Ben can tell she’s upset.

“Rey,” he feels himself at least relax a tiny bit. “Where are you?”

“I’m, um, I’m at the school,” Her voice wavers. “I’m fine, it was just, um, a little too—“

“Do you have a way to get home?” 

“I... well, Finn was—“

“I’ll come get you. I’m five minutes away,” Ben interrupts her and Rey can feel an immediate relief settle into her body. “Are you outside?”

“By the auditorium.”

“Stay there. I’ll be there soon.”

“Thanks, Ben.”

“Of course.”

He makes it there in three minutes, and when his headlights turn toward the auditorium, he sees her standing with a large black cape draped around her shoulders.

He climbs out of his Jeep and walks over to her. She looks different. He’s not sure if it’s the lighting or if she’s changed her looks or if it’s just him. He was used to seeing her in hoodies and shorts. Not form fitting shirts and leggings.

Rey hates how much her body wants to just _melt_ right into his the second he wraps his arms around her. She figured two months of not seeing him would help her own feelings to fizzle.

It didn’t.

“You okay?” He asks.

Rey offers a nod.

“C’mon,” he nods toward his Jeep. “It’s cold out.”

She climbs in the passenger seat and it’s a surprisingly quiet ride back to their neighboring houses. When he puts the vehicle in park, he sighs.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Rey looks over to him, his features barely visible in the low light.

“I fell,” she stares out at the drizzling rain that had just started to fall. “On accident. Didn’t hurt or anything. Just fell on my, um, stomach. So...”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Rey shakes her head. “Sometimes... sometimes I just wonder if I’ll ever not be like this. It feels _hopeless_ to try and act normal.”

“I’m not gonna pretend like I can empathize,” Ben replies. “But... I don’t think you see yourself like everyone else. You’ve done so much. Made so much progress. Mom told me about the charity. The money you’re raising. The app development in coordination with the state police. Your grades are great... you’ve applied to amazing colleges. You’re fucking killing it.”

“It doesn’t feel like that.” Rey stares at the windshield.

“Tell me, then,” Ben turns his body further to face her. “Tell me how it feels.”

“I feel like I’m pretending. Like all this shit is what I want myself to be... but I’m something different on the inside and there’s no way to change that. I’ll always have this following me around. I’ll never get away from it.”

“You might not be able to erase it,” Ben nods. “But it does not get to boss you around. It doesn’t define you. What you choose to do with your life, what you make of it, that’s who you are.”

Rey nods.

“You’re _so_ strong, Rey. Don’t ever doubt that.”

It’s silent for another moment, and Rey’s mind seems to find a voice of its own before she can stop it.

“Headed back to Columbia tomorrow?”

Ben just takes it as a need for diversion. So, he allows it. If she wanted a break from all the heavy shit she had to deal with, there was no way he could tell her no.

“Early tomorrow morning,” he nods. “Finish up in December with this semester, then like a month abroad in Europe in January, and one more class and an internship from February to the beginning of May.”

“No doctorate?”

“_Fuck_ no,” Ben laughs. “Not now, at least. I’m done with this shit as it is.”

“You’ve got a long drive tomorrow,” Rey starts, unbuckling her seat. “And I’ve got to figure out how to get your brother to not flunk Pre-Calc tomorrow at some point.”

“Good luck with that.” Ben snorts.

“I’m sure I’ll need it,” Rey laughs. “Um... thanks. For the ride. And the... counseling session.”

“Any time, Rey.”

“I’ll, um... see you in a couple months then.” She feels her own traitorous heart sink a little as she speaks.

“Yeah, I’ll see you then. I l—um. Be safe.”

“I will. Goodnight, Ben.”

“Night, Rey.”

He waits until she makes it inside and he sees the light turn on in her bedroom before pulling into his parents’ driveway. The second he pulls the key out of the ignition his head falls to the steering wheel. He knew the words that had almost come out of his mouth. And Rey. _Sweet_, innocent, naive Rey... She hadn’t even noticed.

He was _thoroughly_ fucked.

* * *

The second the idea is proposed, Rey wants to scream _no_. But she also wants to scream _yes_, so clearly her brain was confused about the subject. Rey had already planned on riding up to the lodge with Finn. What she didn’t plan on was Ben’s Jeep having an issue with something in its transmission and him having to ride with his parents, as well.

Therefore, Rey was now in a predicament that was both _heaven_ and _hell_ simultaneously.

She would be squeezed in between the two bulky Solo boys for four hours on the way to the lodge. At first she thought it wouldn’t be that tight of a squeeze. Han and Leia did drive a fairly large SUV, though it didn’t have third row seating. But even though Finn was much shorter than his older brother, he was definitely catching up with him in stock and muscle. There was no way Rey could just keep her body close to Finn’s. She was squeezed against the both of them.

Ben’s body heat would surely be the death of her. She could feel every time one of his muscles moved under his skin. She could smell him so strongly...

Every time Ben had to reach up and grab the new phone he’d gotten his dad in order to keep showing him how to use it, his torso would be gloriously stretched out in front of her. And each time, he apologized. As if it offended her.

By hour two, Finn had fallen asleep on Rey’s shoulder, which pushed her even further into Ben. She’d refused to let herself fall asleep, knowing she would have nowhere else to go but Ben’s shoulder.

By hour three, Rey’s asleep. Ben had noticed her head bobbing and knew what was coming. He’d maneuvered his body to where when her head did fall, it would be in the crook of his arm rather than the side of it. He figured that would be more comfortable. He refused to let himself sleep, though, because he knew his head would probably fall towards Rey, and he knew how it would look. He was surprised his parents hadn’t made a comment about it so far. He’d seen them both glance into the back seat a few times a piece.

About forty-five minutes before they are set to arrive, Ben is asleep.

When they’re pulling off the exit, Leia nudges her husband and nods toward the back seat. Han glances in the rear view mirror and smirks.

“Remember when _we_ were young like that?” Leia smiles fondly.

“Honey, she’s seventeen.” He eyes his wife, knowing exactly what she’s implying.

“Oh, hush, Han,” Leia rolls her eyes. “I was nineteen and you were nearly thirty. That’s ten years. Ben’s only twenty-two.”

“Nearly twenty-three,” He reminds her. “And she isn’t eighteen.”

“She will be in half a year or so, Han.”

“Leia, the poor girl has been through so much.”

“Don’t lecture me on that, Han,” Leia’s face hardens. “I was there, I... Believe me. I _know_. I just think they could both be good for each other. Ben’s not an idiot when he’s around her. And you see how calm she gets with him.”

“I’m afraid he’ll...”

“I know, I know,” Leia sighs. “It’s just wishful thinking, honey.”

Ben freaks when he wakes up, seeing Rey still asleep on him. Thankfully, she stirs just as he’s wondering what the hell to do. She seems flustered as her head darts around, prompting Finn to wake up, too.

Neither one of them mention what they both knew had happened.

Instead, they're both distracted when Poe almost beats the car window down in excitement. He’d arrived half an hour earlier and was clearly more than ready to give snowboarding a go. Rey was a little apprehensive considering her first year here involved Finn coercing her into the snow just for her to end up with a sprained ankle.

Of course, she _did_ end up being carried by Ben, so...

“I don’t have a board,” She tells Finn, hoping it gets her out of it. “So, I don’t think—“

“I brought my old one,” Finn shakes his head. “It’s from when I was younger, so your snow boots should fit perfectly into it.”

“You know I have no balance, Finn,” Rey whines. “I think my inner ears are defective or some shit.”

Finn rolls his eyes.

“Ben’s coming, too... and Poe’s good, too, so we’ll be fine. C’mon. It’ll be fun. You’ll thank me later.”

She hadn’t managed a singe foot without falling on her ass and taking five minutes to stand up. She definitely wasn’t about to thank Finn. She wouldn’t even have the opportunity. He’d scaled down the slope with Poe already.

She’s about to unhook the board from her shoes when she sees Ben slide down the hill.

“Not sure that’s how most people use a snowboard,” he smirks, looking down at her with amusement. “Here.”

He offers her a hand and she manages to get back up to her feet.

“I told Finn I’m shit at this,” she mumbles. “He doesn’t listen well.”

“We already knew that,” Ben snorts. “Here. I’ll help you. The trick is to let your knees absorb the shock from the board. You stiffen up and that’s how you fall.”

He slides to the other side of her and places his hands on her waist to hold her steady. He’s half a minute in to explaining the logistics of snowboarding down the slope when Rey nearly shrieks and places her hands over his.

“Shit... Rey?”

He moves to snap his hands away but her own hands stop him from moving.

“Ben... it... that didn’t make me... I’m not panicking,” she tries to explain, totally in awe, herself. “I... I did it. I didn’t panic.”

“I’m sorry... did I do something?” He shakes his head, aware that he’s still got his hands on her.

“I’ve not been able... no one can touch me or... just, like hug me... when they’re behind me... I... I’d usually...”

“Oh,” Ben gets it now. This is big for her. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah,” Rey laughs, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s... Thank you, Ben.”

She twists around without a second thought and wraps her own arms around him, but she forgets they’re not exactly grounded at the moment, so they end up falling backwards onto the snow. Ben had snapped his arms up around her the second they started falling so that she wouldn’t get hurt, so now he had her laying directly on top of him.

Rey hadn’t taken a Xanax today. So, she wasn’t exactly sure why her brain was fuzzy right now. She was heavily concentrating on one thing, and _one_ thing only.

Ben’s lips.

Ben was trying to figure out what she was doing, but when her eyes fluttered down from his, he understood. She was staring at his lips. And her lips... _fuck_ if they weren’t _pretty_ and _pink_ and—

No.

Ben clears his throat.

“Rey...”

He watches as she seems to snap out of it, and then it happens. She’s hurrying like a startled fawn to climb off of him while her feet are still attached to the snowboard, and in the process, her knee collides directly with his crotch.

A deep, pained groan leaves his chest and Rey startles, choosing to just roll off of him instead.

“B-Ben?”

He tries to sit up but he’s afraid he’ll puke with any sudden movement.

“I’m _so_ sorry, Ben, I...”

Rey panics and unhooks the board from her shoes in a flash, standing up. Ben manages a look and sees she’s got tears running down her face.

“I... I’m fine,” he chokes out. “Just give me a... minute.”

He manages to bend his knees and reach down to unhook himself from his own board. After scooting it out of the way, he rises to his knees, and he doesn’t want to at all with Rey there, but he places his hand over his dick to try and ease some of the pain. He looks up to see her eyes on the ground and tears still falling from her eyes.

“Rey—“

“Are you okay?” She sniffles.

“I’m alright, Rey, just give me a minute to—“

“I... I need to go inside... I’ll... I’ll be...”

Rey trails off and starts power walking back toward the lodge. She leaves the board behind without a second thought.

“Rey?” Ben calls for her.

“It’s fine, I just...”

She’s back inside within a matter of minutes and thankfully her parents and Han and Leia has already left to get lunch. She sheds the heavy layers of clothing before crawling into her bed and reiterating to herself how _stupid_ she was while she cries herself to sleep.

She‘a a little disoriented when she wakes, and she realizes it’s a knock at her door that’s stirred her.

“Rey?”

_Shit_. It’s Ben.

“I’m fine.” She answers, sitting up on the side of the bed.

Ben cracks the door open just a hair, not looking inside, though.

“Can I come in?” He asks.

She _should_ say no. She _should_ forget all of this and ignore Ben for the rest of her life.

“Yeah.”

He makes his way inside sits down a foot from her.

“Rey, it’s not a big deal,” he starts. “If you knew how many times Finn has done that to me... most of them purposefully...”

“I was stupid.”

“You weren’t.”

“I _was_,” Rey sighs. “I was so excited about not panicking that I directly caused a situation where I would panic. Having someone hug you without freaking the fuck out shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s pathetic.”

“Rey,” Ben scolds her gently, leaning over to pull her against his chest. His hand rests on her upper arm, his thumb gently tracing across her skin. “It isn’t pathetic. It’s great. You’re making progress. I was so worried I’d done something wrong, but when I realized you were just happy, I was ecstatic for you.”

“Until I... disabled you.”

Ben snorts.

“Temporarily,” he laughs, trying to cheer her up. “Really, it’s not a big deal. I promise. You’re totally and completely forgiven. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good,” Ben moves his arm and stands up. “Dinner’s ready downstairs. And I think Mom said something about playing Cabo after.”

“I don’t know...”

“Come on,” Ben nudges her leg gently with his foot. “We all know you’re the only one who can beat me or Mom. I’ll gladly take a loss as long as my mother can’t gloat at me.”

“Fine.” Rey fights a smile at his persistence.

Rey was definitely glad Ben talked her into coming downstairs for dinner. Maz had made one of Rey’s favorites—her homemade Ravioli. Leia had helped her make bread, and by the time Rey had stuffed herself with an ungodly amount of bread, pasta, and cheese, she was uncertain of if she’d even be able to lift her arms to play the game of Cabo.

The game starts off well, with Rey losing two cards in the first few minutes. Han and Finn both gain three a piece in no time, so she knows they won’t be a challenge to her. She keeps an eye on their movements, though, in case she can use them to her advantage. Poe and Chewie manage to lose a card a piece, but then Chewie gains back three, and Poe goes back to his original four. Maz is still at a steady three, along with Leia. It’s just Rey and Ben with two a piece... Until Ben’s tricked her and the card she thought was in a certain spot out of his two wasn’t what she thought. She gets the three card penalty.

“_Motherf_—Mother of _god_,” Rey grumbles, and Ben snickers. “Fine. It’s fine. I can handle this.”

“That’s the spirit, Rey.” Leia smirks.

By some miracle, she ends up getting cards that allow her to either trade for a card of theirs’ she knows is a good card or to look at her own. She’s back down to two cards by the time Ben is down to one and Leia’s back up to four. Everyone else has at least four, too. So her only competition is Ben Solo.

She knows he got rid of what she thought was his good card. He seems pleased with the one that’s left, so she knows it at least has to be a red king or a joker. She knows she has a red king and a two. Not too bad at all, but he would still beat her. She needed to get rid of her two and find a joker. That way she’d at least tie with him if she called the game.

Ben’s eyes are palpable on her as she picks her next card. She puts on the best poker face she has. It’s a joker.

She could get rid of her two and replace it with the joker and then her overall score would be a negative one. Even if he did have the other joker, he’d be tied. But if he called the game to call her bluff, and they both tied, she’d end up winning since he called. She just needed to get him to doubt her.

She keeps the card face down and slides it in the place of where she knows her two is.

“You seem a little uneasy, there, Rey.” Ben narrows his eyes. “You know what you’re doing?”

_Of course_ she does. Rey could grin like a Cheshire cat right now, but that would foil her plan. She quickly discards her two and Ben smacks it before she can even move her hand completely off it. He reveals his last card, a two, and discards it, going completely out and thus calling the game.

“That’s zero points for me.” He smirks proudly.

Everyone else starts to grumble and count up the points in their remaining cards. Rey puts on a frown as she looks down at her cards.

“C’mon, Rey,” Ben chuckles, totally believing he’s won the game. “Let’s see what your damage is.”

Rey looks up from her cards and a devilish grin slowly forms on her face. Ben falters for a moment, but he seems amused, regardless.

“It’s okay, Ben,” Rey dons a condescending, sickly sweet tone. “Maybe you’ll get me next time.”

She flips over her red king and joker, leaving her a point ahead of Ben.

“Ha!” Finn high-fives Poe.

“You’ve been played, son.” Han snorts, ruffling Ben’s hair as he stands up to go get another beer.

“Only thing greater than getting to beat him myself.” Leia smirks.

“Touché,” Ben sighs, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. “Of course, you could’ve cheated.”

Rey’s mouth opens in protest.

“I did _no_ such thing.” She laughs, incredulous. She knows he’s probably teasing, but she didn’t cheat.

“Who knows... you could’ve peeked at your cards without anyone seeing.” Ben goads her.

“Someone’s a sore loser.” Poe whispers in a song-song manner.

“Fine, fine,” Ben relents, a wide smile forming on his face. “Fair is fair. I concede. Congratulations, Rey.”

“Thank you.” Rey crosses her arm with a huff.

“I say we try another game that Rey won’t beat us all at,” Finn looks to Poe and wiggles his eyebrows conspiratorially. “You bring them?”

“Oh, I brought them.” Poe grins.

“I don’t like the sound of this,” Chewie sighs. “On that note, I’m going to bed.”

“I’m with you.” Maz laughs.

Leia moves to join Han in the kitchen for a moment before Han decides to take his beer and head upstairs, too.

“Just don’t break anything, kids.” Leia eyes them all.

Poe runs upstairs before bringing down an armory of nerf guns. Rey raises an eyebrow before shaking her head.

“Am I required to—“

“Yes.” Finn and Poe both reply together.

“We’ll play in teams,” Poe lays out the nerf guns onto the dining room table like he’s fanning out an obscene amount of cash he’s just robbed. “First team to eliminate the other wins. No head shots.”

Rey snorts.

“Now, to be fair Rey, your general lack of height and strength put you at a disadvantage, no offense,” Poe continues. “However, Ben’s abnormal height and strength put him at an advantage. If we keep you two on the same team, it should be an even playing field.”

“A _little_ bit of offense taken, there, Poe.” Rey flattens her mouth into a line.

“Well, since you’re giving me the disadvantage, I get the good gun. No offense, Rey... I think you’ll do great.”

Finn and Poe snorts amusedly as Ben grabs the biggest of the guns and checks it out.

“As another added rule, this will be a silent game of nerf war,” Poe announces. “So your ability to remain inconspicuous will be key.”

“Wow, you used the word ‘inconspicuous’ correctly in a sentence, Poe.” Rey sarcastically quips.

“You’re small and have no muscle mass, so I’ll let that slide,” Poe grins. “Finn and I will take a base near the back of the house, and Ben, you and Rey can set up either upstairs or the front of the house.”

“If we’re upstairs, you’ll have us cornered right off the bat,” Rey rolls her eyes, surprising Finn and Poe. “We’ll take the front.”

“Who has the disadvantage now?” Ben smirks.

They all stupidly shake hands and salute each other before sneaking off to their respective bases in relative silence. Poe agreed to turn on the television in the living room to balance out the silence and provide a buffer for when they move around.

Rey follows behind Ben’s massive frame as they round corners and peek through doorways. When he reaches the main hallway, he leans in to look through it, but then snaps backward when he catches a glimpse of Finn.

Rey had just followed Ben’s lead, so when he leaned forward, she leaned forward while at his side. But when he snapped back quicker than she could, his free hand whipping around to tell her to hold on, the trajectory of his hand made the next few seconds... _interesting_.

It takes Ben a second to react because it takes that long for him to realize what his hand collided with.

It’s _soft_. And not bony. And—

“Shit. Uh. Sorry,” Ben’s face reddens as it whips around to face Rey. He’d long since pulled his hand away. “I... sorry.”

Rey looks everywhere but him when she manages a quick ‘It’s cool’. He doesn’t dwell on the moment, much to her relief, and when his back is turned again and he’s looking down the hallway, Rey brings her own hand up to her chest as a means of comparing hand sizes. His hand could’ve encompassed her _entire_ chest. She’s muttering a chorus of profanity inside her head when she sees Ben snap forward and shoot.

“God _dammit_,” She hears Finn whine in the distance. “I’m out, Poe!”

They both hear footsteps approach and still.

Ben looks to Rey to convey some sort of plan, but it seems she’s one step ahead of him. She mouths the word ‘bait’ before raising an eyebrow to ask if he understands. He nods and watches as Rey peeks before rounding the corner quietly.

“Finn?” She calls out in a whisper, innocently. “I lost Ben, I’m just—“

Poe springs out from behind the doorway to the bathroom and aims before—

The nerf bullet from Ben’s gun hits Poe before he can even think twice about getting Rey.

Rey starts her victory dance immediately, and Finn joins from the other room to wallow in pity with Poe. Ben laughs and offers the two boys a shit-eating grin.

“Who’s the disadvantage now, bitches?”

Poe is rolling his eyes, but he can’t help but it laugh along with everyone at Rey’s surprising power-high.

“As fun as that was, I’m gonna grab another one of Maz’s breadsticks and then go to bed,” Finn laughs. “There was—“

“There’s only like one left, Finn.” Poe’s own hunger speaks for him.

“If there’s just one left, it’s mine,” Ben narrows his eyes, already backing toward the kitchen. “We _all_ know who can take who. We all know I’d win this battle. Let’s not risk any unnecessary injury.”

“But—“

“You mean _this_ last breadstick?”

Rey mumbles the tease with her mouth full, enjoying the looks of immediate shock (and in Finn’s case, grief) they all sport. She still has her nerf gun held casually in her other hand, knowing they’d all discarded theirs back to the dining room table. If they moved an inch, she’d pelt them.

“You know this means war, Peanut.” Poe’s voice becomes dramatically serious.

“Like _you_ can stop me. We all know who won Cabo. Who obliterated the Nerf War.” Rey fights laughter to remain just as dramatically serious as Poe.

“Rey,” Ben speaks up. “Let’s just cool down for a sec. Put the remainder of the breadstick down and we can all talk.”

Rey feels the familiar flush in her cheeks and she want to laugh, but she holds steady. Even when he starts his slow advance.

“I don’t think you’re in the position to... _negotiate_, Benjamin.”

She takes another bite of the breadstick.

“Let’s be reasonable, here.” Ben continues his approach.

“One more step, and the breadstick gets it.”

Ben tries, but he can’t hide his smirk.

“Rey—“

He takes another step and Rey finishes off the breadstick. Poe sinks to the floor in perfectly portrayed agony. Ben’s amusement on his face turns into something more wicked. More _devious_.

Rey knows what he’s about to do. When he takes another step, she pelts him with a nerf bullet.

It does _nothing_.

“Shit.”

She squeals and tries to run when he lunges after her, but it’s no use. He runs to her and promptly ducks, his shoulder making contact with her stomach as he hauls her up into the air.

“Take the gun, Poe! I’ll go roll her in the snow.”

Rey squeals again, bracing herself with her hands against his back. She knows he’ll relent when they actually reach the patio door, but when they reach where Finn was standing, Ben gently places Rey on the ground.

She’s confused until she sees Finn’s face. He’s got _that_ look on his face. The one he sports when he knows something isn’t right. When he knows there’s something he doesn’t know.

“I’m surprised we haven’t woke them up,” Poe kills the tension, thankfully, and nudges Rey. “I’ve not had that much fun in forever.”

“Yeah, me either.” Rey admits. “But I’m crashing from the adrenaline high, so... it’s bed time for me.”

“Night, Peanut.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

Ben has his back turned to them all when he speaks, his tall frame bent over to look in the fridge.

Finn hasn’t spoken, still, so Rey turns to him.

“Night, Finn.”

“Night, Rey.”

Rey’s unease only makes her insomnia flare. She lays in her bed and impatiently waits for drowsiness to set in. But it doesn’t. Her mind inevitably makes its way back to Ben. Like it always does.

She’d never seen him so carefree and youthful before. It wasn’t as if he was immune to walking on eggshells after her assault. Everyone had done it. _Still_ did it. But Ben had done it in a way that was just right. He knew when to hold back and be cautious and when he could treat her like a normal human being. Tonight, though, it was like they both forgot it ever even happened. They all did, actually. Even Poe and Finn.

She remembers _every_ time her body had made contact with his in the last 24 hours. From sleeping on him in the car on the ride up, to his hands on her waist while snowboarding, to her hugging him, to him pulling her to his chest, to him accidentally touching her chest, to him effortlessly draping her over his shoulder.

She touches herself and comes. _Too_ quickly.

She does it again.

Then, her overwhelming guilt and flood of emotions makes her cry herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will include Rey's 18th birthday and what I think we've all been wanting for...*wink*
> 
> Also, today was the Oscars. Our lord and savior, Adam Driver, was snubbed yet again. Next year, I'll have to sacrifice two forms of livestock, I guess. At least Parasite's wins basically told America to go fuck itself... as an American, I was thoroughly pleased.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading :)
> 
> twitter: @kylouwu
> 
> -kristen


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your tits, because this is it. This is the paradigm shift. Rey and Ben can no longer pass go. They can no longer collect $200.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day to all of you beautiful people! I thought it was sickeningly fitting that in the spirit of the holiday I would be posting the "L-word" chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is a tad bit longer, like the last one, but I wanted to end it at a specific point so that the next chapter would have an exciting start. Have fun reading how Ben and Rey reach the inevitable ;)

May was about to be non-stop. Like a roller coaster that you’re super-glued to and you’re continuously descending from. A roller coaster from _hell_.

In order to keep from her own mind, Rey kept busy. And to get to ‘busy’, she had to pass by ‘neurotic’.

Along with finals and _another_ charity auction, and with the spring showcase, Rey had accepted an offer to paint a mural in the gymnasium for graduation at the end of the month. She was 85% positive she’d get carpal tunnel within a week of painting.

If she didn’t get the carpal tunnel from the painting, she’d get it from all the scholarship applications.

And of course, there was the _other_ activity that was bound to give her carpal tunnel. At least in one hand...

She refused to acknowledge the bad habit she’d developed. Technically, it was a normal habit to have, but her brain’s obsession with _he-who-would-not-be-named_ made it a little less normal. She’d resorted to making him a Voldemort. She didn’t say his name, therefore she didn’t think about him.

Or at least she told herself that.

It was shitty logic, at best.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help, Peanut?” Finn asks, slinging his gym bag across his shoulder.

He and Poe were headed to the training room with a lot of the other basketball guys.

Rey was still standing on the ladder in the same spot she’d been in for the last ten minutes, finally finishing the tiny little square foot of the mural that she was almost completely finished with.

“The objective I’m going for is _good_ art, Finn... no offense.” Rey laughs.

“I could... I don’t know. Hold the paint.” He shrugs.

“I love you, and I appreciate the gesture,” Rey rolls her eyes. “Go... lift shit and run. Or whatever it is you do.”

“Okay, okay,” he gives in, laughing at her terminology. “If I don’t catch you before you leave, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye, Finn.”

“Bye, Peanut.”

Even though she was well aware that she was very close to taking on more than she could handle, Rey was in her element when she was painting. Creating. Visualizing. Making something.

The countless amount of times she’d walked back and forth across the gym to get a better view of the whole mural was more exercise than she’d gotten in a long time. Her calves were on fire.

She’s almost done when she hears a door shut outside the gymnasium. For a second, she panics, but she remembers Finn and Poe knew she was here. They were probably coming to check on her.

“Finn?” She calls out, her body still facing the mural as she scales down the ladder. “Poe? Is that you guys?”

She starts walking towards the door on the opposite end of the gymnasium, willing her fear to contain itself.

Then, the lights all shut off.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Rey shuts her eyes tightly out of instinct and wraps her arms around herself. “It’s okay.”

She hears footsteps. _Multiple_ sets of footsteps. She sinks to the ground and hides her face in her legs, rocking back and forth and mumbling iterations of ‘please’ and ‘no’.

She can’t control her sobs. Her breathing. She’s totally dissociated from reality. She doesn’t even see when the lights all come back on and the gym is empty again.

* * *

Ben was home for the summer, and finally finished with the five years of college he’d subjected himself to. Although his time in Europe had been great, he was ready to be home. He missed everyone… _some_ more so than others. He’d stopped by the high school to see his brother and surprise him. When Finn mentioned that Rey was painting a mural in the gym, Ben decided to go surprise her, too.

He pulls up to the front doors just as a car is taking off about a hundred feet in front of him. Taking off is lightly putting it. They were making a getaway.

Tension and unease prickle at his spine and he shuts off his Jeep before running inside.

Rey’s lying in the fetal position sobbing in the middle of the floor. He looks at the wall... her artwork littered and vandalized with red spray paint.

_Bitch, liar, whore, slut_...

Ben forces his anger down as he runs toward Rey, gently reaching out.

“Rey... Rey, it’s me... it’s Ben,” he lets one of his hands reach out and touch her shoulder and she recoils out of fear. His heart _breaks_. “Rey. Rey, you can open your eyes. It’s Ben. I’m here. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

He watches as she turns her head to the side, just barely, and lets one of her eyes peek out from her arms.

“Ben?” She croaks.

“I’m here, I’m right here,” he pulls her into his arms, holding her tightly as tremors and sobs still crash through her body. “Do you need... do you have medicine on you?”

He watches as her head turns to the bleachers, a backpack sitting on top of them.

“I’ve got it.”

He refuses to put her down, carrying her with him as he walks over to get the pill bottle from her bag, which thankfully has a water bottle in it, too. He helps her with the pill and the water and refuses to let her out of his grasp. He’d witnessed her panic before. But this...

She sounded like she was in _agony_. Pain. Misery.

When it hits him that she was reliving the worst night of her life, tears fall from his own eyes. He can’t handle it. He can’t see her like this.

“You’re safe, Rey,” he turns his head down to bury his lips against the top of her head. One of his hands moves up to the side of her face, brushing her hair off her damp cheek before running his fingers through her hair.“Just breathe.”

_I love you. I’ll always love you. You’re safe with me. You’ll always be safe with me._

It’s quiet for a while. He doesn’t count or try to keep track of the time. His only concentration is on her breathing, his own calming when hers does.

He can tell she’s asleep when her breathing slows to a certain point and her head lags against his chest. He texts Finn and tells him to come to the gym and to bring Poe with him.

“Be quiet. Don’t wake her.” He manages when they come barreling into the gym.

“What the _fuck_?” Finn whispers, fuming as he sees the ruined mural.

“Did she see who did this?” Poe shakes his head in disbelief.

“I don’t know,” Ben sighs. “She was... either way, she needs to get home. She just took some medicine. I’m gonna drive her home and come back here to... fix this. I need you to drive Rey’s car home, Poe, instead of riding with Finn.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Ben stands carefully, not wanting to move her too much.

Finn takes in his brother’s appearance. His face is pale and his eyes are bloodshot.

“Ben... are you—“

“Fine,” Ben cuts him off. “I’d just never seen... not this bad.”

Finn just swallows nervously, nodding once.

By some miracle, when he gets her home, Maz is showering and Chewie is sound asleep. Finn follows behind his brother and carries Rey’s bag in while Poe makes sure her car is in their garage.

Poe calls for Finn, telling him his mom’s wondering what’s going on.

“I’ll go,” Finn tells Ben. “You got her?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna take her upstairs then head back.”

Finn nods before walking back out the door. Ben carefully ascends the stairwell, nudging Rey’s door open with his foot. He lays her down on her bed and pulls the covers over her. She tenses for a moment, like her body is unaware of where it is at the moment.

“You’re alright, Rey,” Ben sits on the edge of her bed, his hand combing through her hair. “Sleep.”

He leans down to kiss her temple and she finally stills, her breathing becoming deep and even again.

Her arms are curled up under the side of her head and her knees are tucked to her chest. He notices the keychain he’d made for her... wrapped around her wrist.

Watching her tiny frame curled around itself as she sinks into a medically induced sleep only fuels the anger rising in Ben. He tries to calm himself as he starts his Jeep again, but it’s no use. He’s _livid_.

When he makes it back to the high school, he notices something shining from the street lights out in the parking lot.

The fucking spray paint cans.

He immediately goes to the back of his Jeep and gets an old plastic grocery bag and an old t-shirt. He picks up each bottle with the t-shirt and then puts them all in the bag. He knows they can likely find the culprits from surveillance, but he doesn’t give a shit. He wanted extra insurance. He wanted the bastards to pay.

And _fuck_ if he didn’t have the urge to wake his mom up when he got home and immediately have her run them for fingerprints.

He goes inside the gym and stares at the mural. It would take time, but it was doable. All of her paints were set out, and thankfully the red spray paint hadn’t bled into any of the other colors.

He starts on one end and uses another old t-shirt to dab at the areas of red paint that were still wet. It takes patience and an entire t-shirt, but he manages to soak most of it up without smearing it. Then comes the task of painting over those spots. And Rey hadn’t painted something plain and simple. It was a mural of all the different clubs and groups and sports her graduating class participated in. All the accomplishments they’d achieved. He ends up staring at it again for a good five minutes. She was _ridiculously_ talented.

Luke would be proud of her.

The first hints of daylight begin to creep in as he’s on the last few feet of the mural. By the time he does finish, it’s a little after eight in the morning and he’s barely keeping his eyes open. He gathers up all of her paints and takes them to one of the supply closets that had been propped open. He moves all the tarps and the ladder before shutting off the lights and heading back to his Jeep.

When he gets home, he smells bacon and pancakes and he assumes Finn had told their mother.

He rounds the corner, heading toward the kitchen.

“Hey—Rey?”

Rey’s standing at the stove, a spatula in her hand. She was back in one of her signature hoodies and a pair of shorts, and her damp hair was braided back out of her face. She looked more like herself.

“Hi,” her voice is timid at first. “Um... Finn. He’s in the shower... he, uh... he told me about the mural. That you’d went to... to fix it. You’ve been there all night?”

He knows that look.

She feels guilty. _She_ feels guilty.

“Yeah, I... I just wanted to make sure it was fixed. You can’t even tell, now.”

She flips another pancake onto the huge stack she’d made before turning around.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Ben shakes his head. “Rey... are you okay? Last night... I was scared for you.”

“I’m okay... I’m sorry if I... worried you. I don’t what I would’ve done if you hadn’t shown up.”

Rey can remember a few things. She had the after effects of the Xanax still running though her bloodstream, making her head fuzzy. She does remember him carrying her to bed. Kissing her temple.

“I’m glad I was there,” Ben replies. “Did you see who did it?”

Rey shakes her head, turning back to the stove.

“They cut the lights out. I couldn’t see anything... I just... heard footsteps for a minute and then I... I guess I tuned it out, I wasn’t really thinking straight. I just _knew_ they were gonna do something to me, and I was just begging...”

“Hey,” he closes the distance, hugging her. “You’re okay. They didn’t... they didn’t touch you, did they?”

“No.”

“I know I sound like a fucking idiot, but try not to worry about it,” He tightens his arms around her for just a moment before pulling away. “The spray cans were out in the parking lot. I bagged them up. I’m gonna give them to mom. I saw the car they took off in. I’m sure they’ll have surveillance footage.”

She nods, a bit despondent.

“I... I know you’re probably exhausted,” she flips one last pancake before turning the stove off. “But I figured you’d be hungry... so...”

He wanted to kiss her. To kiss her and hold her and tell her to let people worry about her. Let people take care of her. Let _him_ take care of her. That she didn’t need to worry about him. That he could take care of her forever, if she wanted.

He doesn’t.

“Thank you,” he smiles. “I know Finn will worship at your feet.”

She offers a small laugh.

“Yeah, he already has,” she turns to him and her eyes fall on a little tiny spot of blue paint on his neck. “Oh... you’ve got...”

She has to stretch onto her tiptoes to reach, but she runs her thumb against the blue spot on his neck, the paint thankfully still wet enough to get off with her finger. She looks back up at him to tell him she’d successfully removed the blue dot and freezes. He’s staring at her like he’s never seen anything like her before.

Everything in her _heart_ tells her to kiss him. To pull his neck down and let her lips crash against his.

Everything in her _brain_ tells her to snap out of it. That he’s twenty-three and she’s still seventeen. That her best friend, Ben’s brother, is right upstairs.

She goes with her brain.

“G-got it.” She clears her throat and backs away.

“Thanks.”

Ben needs a shower. A cold, _cold_ shower.

Of course, now that he’s home for the summer, he’s sure this will become a recurring problem. A problem he admittedly _never_ wanted to get rid of.

* * *

Prom.

Fucking _Prom_.

This was a rite of passage Rey would’ve loved to not have taken part in, but here she was criticizing every square inch of her body just like every other female that had come before her.

She could only blame herself. She’d went with a very unforgiving dress and fabric—little to her knowledge. Dresses and skirts and anything _remotely_ feminine were nowhere in her wheelhouse. It was a silky-satiny (she was sure there was a technical name for it) number and it clung to her body in the _worst_ way imaginable. But when Maz had seen her in the dress and had tears in her eyes, Rey couldn’t say no.

It was green. Deep emerald green. It had long sleeves that didn’t fully reach the tops of her shoulders and a shallow v-neck in the front. Her back was bare until the bottom of her ribcage and there was a slit on the left side of the dress that reached a few inches above her knees.

It was a beautiful dress, objectively.

But it was still a fucking _dress_.

And as if that wasn’t enough, there was all the shit girls did beforehand. Rose had drug Rey through manicures and pedicures and spray tans and hair and makeup...

All for one night of debatable ‘fun’.

At least Rey would get dinner out of it.

Maz and Leia took at least a million pictures a piece, and of course the only person totally okay with it was Poe.

“You’d better be glad I’m gay and I love you, Finn,” Poe grabbed Rey’s hand outside the ballroom and motioned her to spin around. “Cause, _damn_, peanut.”

Finn just rolls his eyes and laughs before dragging Poe back onto the dance floor.

Rey had been counting down the minutes from the second she’d walked into the ballroom. She’d always hated attention. Right now, she wasn’t as inconspicuous and camouflaged as she normally was. There’d been whispers and sideways glances as people walked by the table where she sat. She wondered if they knew she had ears or if they were just idiots.

She’d _specifically_ picked a dress that covered quite a bit of her body. And she was still getting the ‘slut’ comments.

Thirty minutes in and Rey’s in her car driving back to Finn’s.

They’d be back in a little bit anyways for the dinner reservation. Maybe she’d have enough time to change out of her dress, even if it’s just for half an hour and—

“Rey?”

She’d been walking past the living room, heading for the kitchen, when she hears him.

“Ben. Hey,” She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous. It wasn’t as if she was naked. She just didn’t have her usual security blanket. She’d rather be in a hoodie and old dingy shorts right now. “Didn’t know you were here. I’m sorry for barging in.“

“It’s fine,” he shakes it off, smiling. “I barged in, too.”

There’s an awkward silence before Rey decides to go and sit on the other side of the couch he’s on.

“Prom, huh?”

“Unfortunately.” Rey grumbles.

He laughs.

“Yeah, I always thought it was a load of shit, too,” he nods. “But it’s a rite of passage, apparently.”

“At least I got it over with,” Rey snorts. “I’m only in it for the dinner.”

“So you’re not in it for the awkward dancing and torturous photo calls?”

“Those were pretty enticing, too,” Rey laughs. “Watching Finn and Poe dance like idiots was enough for me.”

“You mean you didn’t suffer through the Macarena or the YMCA? That’s _sacrilege_,” he gasps with fake horror. “You’ve not fully completed your prom experience in that case. You’re not off the hook. Everyone has to go through the suffering. It gives you character. _Integrity_.”

“If by _integrity_, you mean anxiety and blistered feet...”

“Come on,” he stands up abruptly, holding his hand out to her. “You’re not out of the woods yet. You’ve still got one more circle of hell to endure.”

She can’t hide the grin that forms on her face as she takes his hand.

“You know, I don’t remember reading about _this_ particular level of hell in Dante’s Inferno.”

He smirks as he pulls her close to him. Her heart beats a million times a minute, but she doesn’t care. He’s holding her just an inch or two from his own body and she’s got her hands stretched up around his neck and it’s _bliss_.

“Dante added it in later. It’s in the extended version.”

“I see.”

She tells herself it’s just her neck not wanting to crane up to look at him, but she knows she’s just giving in to her own desire when she lets the side of her head fall against his chest.

“So… Graduation. College,” he clears his throat. “Mom said you got accepted into every one you applied for. Do you know which one you’re gonna go with?”

“I’m really liking Virginia Tech,” Rey answers. “It’s not too far away and it’s a great school, even if I’m just gonna study psychology.”

“What happened to forensics?”

“I want to make a difference,” he watches her shoulders shrug. “And I feel like I could do more to help people if I’m working with them _directly_. If I could help someone like me...”

“Rey, that’s amazing,” Ben shakes his head. “I’m proud of you. Really.”

She’s glad her face is buried in his chest, because she knows her face turns _scarlet_.

“And they let freshmen stay off campus... it’s a nice town, from what I’ve looked up... and they’re giving me the most money. I think it’ll be nice.”

“You’ll do great there.”

He should tell her. Or maybe he _shouldn’t_ tell her.

He’d be the head of the new branch his company was opening. In Virginia. Approximately half an hour from the Virginia Tech campus. The office would open mid-September. He’d have to be there by mid-August to help oversee logistics.

He’d be there.

With _her_.

Maybe he shouldn’t tell her.

She’d think he was following her there... or wanting something from her.

It takes him a few moments of them silently swaying around his parents’ living room to make a decision.

He lets one of his hands move from her waist to her shoulder, following the long line of her arm to where her hand was loosely hung around the back of his neck.

“I’m actually being transferred to a new branch of my company that’s opening in September,” he begins cautiously, gently taking her hand and clasping it around his. “I won’t be in the city.”

He moves their hands so that they’re resting across from where Rey’s head laid against his chest.

Rey can’t even begin to process what he’s said. She can only focus on the fact that his fingers had just loosely trailed from the skin of her shoulder, across the thin satin sleeve of her dress, and taken her hand into his. His thumb was even tracing back and forth against the skin on the back of her hand.

“That’s nice,” she squeaks. “Is... is the relocation very far?”

He wonders if she can hear his heartbeat begin to race.

“That’s the thing,” he swallows. “The new branch is, um... it’s being opened in Salem.”

Rey’s brain stops for a second.

“Salem, _Virginia_?” She manages.

“Yeah,” Ben’s nerves are about to kill him. He decides he’ll just rip off the bandaid. “I think it’s only like half an hour from Blacksburg, ironically enough.”

Rey’s eyes water. She repeats a mantra of ‘_don’t cry_’ in her head before she can provide a stable response.

“My apartment will be in Christiansburg, I think,” She finally speaks up. “I think it’s like fifteen minutes from campus.”

“I think some of the houses I’d looked at were in that area,” Ben replies. “It’d be ironic if we ended up neighbors again.”

“Yeah.” Rey responds, breathless.

It’d be... _perfect_.

She could visit him. Every day. See his face. Listen to him talk about _anything_... the weather, work, fucking _sports_. She wouldn’t care what it was. Maybe she could have dinner with him... and maybe she could _kiss_ him. And maybe when it gets too late he could ask her to stay... And maybe instead of her sleeping alone, in his guest room, he’d ask her if she wanted to share his bed. And maybe she’d fall asleep with his arms wrapped around her...

The thought makes her weak in the knees… quite literally. She fumbles for a second, a little wobbly from the heels she has on.

“You okay?” Ben asks, the hand on her waist moving to her lower back to hold her steady.

“Formal wear _clearly_ isn’t my forte,” she kicks her heels off to the side, causing her to shrink a few inches. “I feel like a cheap cabaret performer.”

“You look beautiful.” Ben shakes his head.

Her head tilts back to look at his, and for a second, there’s this uncertainty about what’s about to happen. She watches as his eyes fall just under her eye line, landing on her lips. She then watches as his twitch almost imperceptibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows nervously. The hand on her back moves to cradle the side of her face, his thumb resting just outside the edge of her lips.

But with the sound of a car door shutting, the spell is broken.

She watches him blink just once before taking a deep breath. His hand falls from her face, but their hands stay clasped together in what Ben admits to himself is selfish, _desperate_ desire.

When they both know there’s no time left, Ben gently releases her hand and forces himself to walk toward the front door. Rey lets out the air she’d unknowingly been holding captive in her lungs before sinking back down to the couch.

There was _no_ possible way on earth to hide it now.

She was _completely_ and _hopelessly_ in love with Ben Solo.

* * *

Graduation was exciting.

Wearing the shapeless, hot-flash-inducing cap and gown was _not_ so exciting.

And dingy yellow wasn’t Rey’s color.

Kira delivers the best valedictory speech Rey’s ever heard, although she’s not heard one before and she’s probably being a little bit biased. Kaydel’s salutatorian speech is nothing short of _blunt_ and full of call outs. She reprimands the ‘_patriarchal toxicity_’of not only society as a whole, but the educational system that’s only fueling the minds of young boys with ‘_permissible sexism and violence_’.

Apparently, her speech had been vetoed by the school administration, but she didn’t exactly care.

What were the gonna do?

Go back in time and suspend her?

She gets a standing ovation before the speech is even over, and hugs Rey and Jessika on her way back to her seat.

“Too much?” She asks as she hugs Rey.

“Hell, no.” Rey smirks.

Finn finds her after the ceremony is over, before they all return to their parents, and she’s glancing at the groups of friends she’d become so close with over the last five years.

“Hey, Peanut.” He nudges her shoulder.

“Hey.” She smiles before he hugs her.

“I’m proud of you.”

His arms tighten around her before he lets her go.

“_Me_? You’re the one that went from not understanding why there were letters in math to getting a ‘B’ minus in Calculus.”

“You’re the one who got me there.”

“True.”

“I’m gonna miss you too much,” Finn finds himself hugging her again. “An hour is an hour too long. I’m used to being in the next house over.”

“I know,” Rey rests her chin on his shoulder. “We’ll visit all the time though. And we have FaceTime. And we still have this summer.”

“Peanut!” Poe runs over, with Leia, Han, Ben, and Rey’s parents following closely behind.

He throws his arms around her and spins her around before she threatens him (with no actual threat) to let her down.

“Congratulations, _stellina_,” Maz hugs her daughter. “I’m so proud of you.”

“We both are.” Chewie adds.

She tries. Rey really tries. But she can’t even properly pay attention to her parents or Han and Leia when Ben’s in her periphery.

“Congrats, Rey,” Ben finally takes his turn and gives Rey a small hug. “You got my brother to graduate.”

“Hey.”

“It was no small feat.” Rey laughs along.

“Not that I’m not having fun standing in this sweaty gymnasium, but how about we head back home so I can grill myself—I mean the kids—a celebratory burger.” Han butts in.

“I like that idea.” Chewie adds.

Half an hour later Han, Chewie, and Ben are stationed around the grill while Rey, Finn, Rose, and Poe are all playing Cabo on the trampoline.

Ben makes his way over, leaning into the space between where Poe and Finn were sitting.

“Who’s winning?”

“Who do you think?” Finn frowns.

“Rose is actually catching up to her.” Poe offers.

Rey picks up a card and she can’t hide the grin that pulls at her mouth.

“My condolences to the rest of you,” Ben snorts. “I know that _look_.”

Rey discards her three and reveals her two jokers. Negative two. No one could beat that score.

“I give up,” Finn groans. “I don’t know why I try.”

“That’s your problem, Finn,” Poe smiles. “This is something impossible. Don’t waste your efforts trying to win.”

“C’mon, it’s fun to play regardless.” Rose laughs.

She and Rey begin to pick up the cards left over as Finn and Poe climb off the trampoline. Ben makes an effort to _not_ look at Rey’s ass when she climbs off the trampoline, but the effort is in vain.

It was one part of her body that wasn’t as proportionally tiny as the rest of her was.

He knew about the gift his parents were about to give her and Finn. And he knew the role he’d have to play in said gift.

Ten days worth of beaches and bathing suits and he’d immediately agreed. He’d considered blinding himself just to be safe.

He watched his mom and dad approach her and Finn, and he knew exactly how she was going to react. Rey was too kind, too humble to accept gifts. He watches as she wraps her arms around his mom. They speak for a little bit before both of their eyes fall on Ben.

Rey’s eyes lit up for a moment before her cheeks turned pink and she turned her head away.

His dad breaks away from everyone to come stand beside him. He doesn’t have to say anything or even look at him for Ben to know what he’s about to bring up.

“Sure you want to wrangle a bunch of teenagers for a week and a half?” Han raises an amused eyebrow.

“Most of them will be eighteen, right? Makes me less legally or morally obligated to be a babysitter. I’ll just be there as a reminder to not do stupid shit.”

“I remember _you_ at that age. Stupid shit was your expertise.”

“Oddly enough, Dad, that’s not very reassuring.”

“That’s why I said it,” Han snorts. He looks down and sees the canvas wrapped presents. “What’s that?”

Ben follows his line of vision and then tenses his jaw.

“It’s Rey’s.”

“From who?”

“Me.”

Han makes a ‘humph’ noise before clearing his throat.

“It’s just a painting,” Ben rolls his eyes. “A souvenir from Europe.”

He doesn’t mention that it’s one of her favorite Van Gogh works that he paid to have remade. Or that there’s also a new keychain made from another one of Luke’s old necklaces. Or the charms he collected from all over Europe to go on the keychain she already wore as a bracelet.

“You didn’t get _me_ a souvenir.”

“You’re telling me you would’ve wanted a souvenir from Europe? What? A European beer?”

A disgusted scoff immediately makes its way out of his father.

“Hell, no.”

“Exactly.”

“She seemed excited that you’re going on the trip.”

“Who?”

“Cut the shit, son.” Han narrows his eyes.

“_Dad_...”

“There’s not been any... funny business or anything has there?”

Ben’s head snaps toward his father and Han immediately recoils.

“Jesus... forget I asked. It’s just... I know I’m an idiot, but I’m not a _complete_ idiot. I see the way she looks at you. It’s like the sun shines out of your ass.”

Ben’s mouth forms a line.

“And you’re the same way with her,” Han continues. “I... I know she’s only seventeen for another month. I just want to be sure your priority is keeping her safe.”

“That’s _always_ going to be my priority,” Ben shakes his head. “That she’s safe and happy. She deserves at least that.”

Han nods, sighing.

“Well, have fun giving her _that_,” he nods toward the presents. “She’ll think you hang the moon, too. If she doesn’t already.”

Han walks off and Ben sighs before glancing down at the two gifts that he felt were staring him down.

He manages to catch her when she’s walking over to grab her hoodie from the trampoline. She walks over to him as she’s pulling it over her head. He tries his best not to focus on the tiny little strip of her belly he sees when her arms are in the air.

“You’re sure you want to slum it with seven teenagers for a week and a half?” She grins.

“This grandad is ready to readapt to youthfulness,” Ben smirks. “And has a death wish, I suppose.”

“Kira is the only one who won’t be eighteen,” Rey replies. “And she’s a saint. So, at least you won’t be legally responsible if any of us get arrested.”

“_Us_? You planning on any illegal activities?”

“Just the usual... robbing a few banks and a couple of the local liquor stores, and stealing a car or two.” Rey shrugs.

“Ah. So, nothing crazy, then.”

“Right.”

Her bright eyes flicker downward, and Ben decides he wants that look back.

“Happy Graduation.”

He nods to the two presents beside him and Rey raises her eyebrows in surprise before cocking her head at him.

“Ben...”

It was her signature ‘this is too much’ tone.

“Open ‘em,” He offers a smile. “It’s nothing crazy like a ten day vacation, but...”

She snorts as she tears into the painting first, her eyes and mouth widening as she takes in the familiar artwork.

“Starry Night,” she whispers, her fingers tracing across the canvas, feeling the ridges from the actual paint. “It’s not a copy?”

“A re-commission. I liked it better than just the prints,” Ben shrugs. “Felt more authentic.”

“It’s perfect... Wait... did you get this in _Europe_?”

“Yeah, the real one is at MoMA, of course,” he replies. “But I did get to see Starry Night Over the Rhône when I was in Paris. There was a little shop where this painter did recommissions. He had so many of Van Gogh and Da Vinci’s works there.”

“Wow,” she shakes her head in disbelief. “Thank you, Ben.”

“Course,” he shakes it off. “One more. Well. Two. Kinda.”

He hands her the smaller box and watches as she opens the lid to see another keychain, similar to the one she was wearing right now around her wrist.

“Since your other one is occupied,” he smirks. “This one can be an actual keychain.”

“Ben, you don’t have to give me this... I know you probably don’t have a lot of Luke’s things—“

“Rey, he had _shit-loads_ of those things,” Ben laughs. “I _want_ you to have it. He would, too.”

“Thank you,” she smiles up at him with pink cheeks. She looks further down into the box. “What are these?”

“That’s for the first keychain. Or bracelet, now. They’re little charms. There’s one from Paris, and one from Florence... one from Amsterdam, and one from Barcelona.”

She twirls the tiny little bits of silver metal between her fingers. There was a tiny Eiffel Tower, a little recreation of the Duomo in Florence, a little Spanish guitar from Barcelona, and one of the famous arched bridges in Amsterdam she’d always dreamt of riding a boat under.

“Ben...” She wills her body not to break down.

“Here,” he holds his hands out to hers and she watches as he takes her wrist, very gently, and moves the keychain around to attach the charms. “One more... there you have it.”

“Ben... I... I love it. Thank you _so_ much.”

He lets her initiate the hug because he can still see his father hanging out by the grill, turning everything off and cleaning up for the night. Since he’s sitting and she’s standing in front of him, this time he’s reaching his arms upward to wrap around her.

When she pulls back, he watches her eyes dart back and forth across his face, not knowing what—

She _kisses_ him.

There’s an overwhelming, atomically _powerful_ feeling of pure joy before Rey seems to realize what she’s done, pulling away as the dread sets in.

“I’m sorry.” She squeaks, horrified.

Ben’s brain has so many different threads of thoughts that he can’t possibly untangle them for a solid ten seconds or so. But then he looks back at Rey. And he knows that look.

“Rey, don’t panic,” He holds his hands out like he’s approaching a spooked animal. “Don’t freak out. It’s not worth panicking. I’m not mad at you. But we can’t do this. Not here, not... not now. Go home. I’ll talk to you about this later.”

“Ben...” Her voice breaks.

“Rey, I’m not mad,” he knows she doesn’t believe him. “At all. I _swear_. I’m just a little surprised and a little concerned about what I’m gonna say to Han when you go home. Because… he’s forty feet behind us and _definitely_ just saw that.”

If he’d thought she was panicked before...

“Han?! No, no, no, no...”

Her head falls into her hands.

“Rey, you’ve gotta listen to me,” he pulls her hands away from her face. “Carefully. Can you do that?”

She nods, wiping at her eyes.

“I am not angry at you, or annoyed, or inconvenienced in the _slightest_,” He bores his eyes into hers. She needed to believe that. “But that can’t happen again. Not until, um...”

Her eyes slowly pan back up to his. Like she’s slowly putting together the last pieces of the puzzle that she’d been working on for her entire life.

“Until... my birthday?”

Ben just nods.

“Rey, I... _Jesus Christ_. Han’s pretending like he’s finishing up with the grill,” Ben rolls his eyes as he looks behind Rey for a moment. “I don’t think either of us are ignorant to certain... feelings that have been developing between us. But, we can’t act on them yet, even though it’s _just_ a technicality and even though it’s _just_ a month... It’s only fair to you.”

“I... what the _fuck_ is going on?” Rey shakes her head, the overload of information making her head swim.

“You’re a million times smarter than me, Rey, how you’re missing this is a _mystery_ to me,” Ben actually huffs. “Rey. I _love_ you.”

Rey’s silent. Totally silent.

“Yes. I love you. I _love_ you, and you have to go home now, because Han is headed this way.” Ben panics as he looks behind him.

“You can’t just tell me you love me and then tell me to go home!” Rey hisses in a whisper. “What the actual fuck?”

“Go home. I’ll call you later. _Please_,” Ben begs. “Do you really want to talk about how you kissed me with my father?”

Rey pales.

“_Exactly_,” Ben sighs. “Go home. I love you, but go home.”

Rey only stares at him a half a second longer in total disbelief before grabbing her presents and high-tailing it out of the Solos’ back yard as inconspicuously as she can.

Rey and Ben both have the same symphony of profanity playing in their heads... Rey’s makes its way to her mouth, though.

“_Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit..._”

She’s got so much energy in her body that if she doesn’t release a tiny bit of it, she’ll implode.

So, she grabs her phone.

_Rose. SOS. S-O-FUCKING-S. Please call me._

_Also, I’m not hurt. It’s something different._

_JUST CALL ME_.

* * *

“Whatever speech you’re about to give me... can you _please_ do it quickly and can I _please_ be allowed alcohol to cope?” Ben groans and he watches his father approach with crossed arms.

* * *

Rey’s phone rings and she answers it immediately.

“Rey, what the—“

“I kissed Ben and he told me he loves me and Han saw the whole fucking thing and now I’m panicking because _what the actual fuck do I do!_” Rey vomits her confession.

* * *

Han puts on his best gloating smirk.

“Well. Seems like she liked that present a _hell_ of a lot more than I’d expected.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TA-DA! *insert gif of Rose from Titanic saying 'It's been 84 years..."* 
> 
> There will be a ratings change in the next chapter... ;)
> 
> twitter: @kylouwu 
> 
> -kristen


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get... interesting. And then they get even more... interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATINGS CHANGE. You're welcome. ;)

Thirty-three days. Thirty-three days pass and what Rey wants most in the world is an assurance that she can’t have. It was a low she hadn’t felt for a while. For two years, to be exact.

“Still nothing?”

Rey’s ears barely pick up the fact that Rose has spoken to her. She’d been making ‘Thank you’ cards for all of the people who’d given her gifts for her graduation. There were traces of pastel watercolors smeared all over her hands and likely her face, thanks to her allergies.

“No,” Rey frowns, looking back down to the card in her hands. “Just texts. Every morning he sends one. Every night, too. He’d called that first night.”

“You’re ghosting him?”

“No,” Rey shakes her head, sighing. “I’d thought about it. Maybe he’d cave and come see me. In person. I couldn’t do it. I thought maybe that’s why he was sticking to texts. If he heard me, he might cave.”

“You can’t exactly blame him, Rey,” Rose looks up at Rey over the top of the book she’d been reading. “I mean, I’m surprised Han didn’t—“

“Me, too,” Rey raises her eyebrows in disbelief. “If I weren’t prone to... being particularly _touchy_ in tense situations, I think they’d have already said something to me.”

“Touchy and having legitimate anxiety are two completely different things, Rey,” Rose narrows her eyes at her. “We’ve discussed this.”

“I know. The point still stands.”

“Your birthday is tomorrow,” Rose reminds her. “We leave the day after... do you think he’ll say something then?”

“I don’t know,” Rey shrugs. “I kinda thought he might.”

Rose raises an eyebrow.

“But?”

“But... but, what if he changes his mind? That would be the most logical outcome of this, Rose.”

“Rey—“

“No, I’m serious,” Rey feels her eyes sting as she sighs. “I’m not only young, but I’m damaged goods. He’d _never_ treat me differently because of what happened, I know that... but I know _him_, Rose. I know how much he worries about me—to a fault. It would be just like how everyone was after it happened. Scared to get too close. Too scared they’d hurt me. How the _fuck_ is he supposed to be able to... to be with someone when he’s too afraid to get close? And how do I know I... I would be able to? Rose, I don’t know if I could even... without panicking—“

Rey’s eyes get too full and tears fall down her cheeks onto the card, causing the watercolor paint to disperse even further.

“Hey,” Rose moves from the foot of the bed to sit beside Rey and pull her to her shoulder. “I understand how scared you are. But you have _got_ to quit setting limits for yourself before you even try something. You’re way too strong for that shit.”

Rey tries to calm herself.

“I’m _so_ in love with him, Rose,” Rey admits. “If anything ever was to work for me... it would have to be him. And if it’s not, I’ll never—“

“It’ll all work out,” Rose insists. “Waiting is the fucking worst, but... just give it time. Tomorrow. See what happens tomorrow.”

Rey nods, sighing.

Tomorrow. One more day.

* * *

Ben thought he’d have mastered the art of recognizing when his mother was spying in on him, but it’d been twenty-three years and he was still having mini heart attacks when he’d turn and see her watching him with a smirk on her face.

He doesn’t try to hide the work on the easel he sat in front of.

“Looks like it’s finished.” She remarks.

“Putting the finishing touches on it,” Ben glances down at his hands, covered in charcoal. He’d fix the charcoal with a finisher to make it permanent on the canvas and then be ready to frame it. “Dad caved?”

“He caved that night, sweetheart,” she snorts. “I was subtly trying to give you space.”

“I suppose you won’t want me going on the trip.” Ben assumes.

“Why would I want that? Your brother is prone to stupidity when left to his own devices.”

Her answer surprises him and he glances up at her.

“Aren’t you scared I’ll hurt her?”

“No,” Leia shakes her head immediately. “If you did, I would _personally_ murder you, but I know you won’t.”

Ben raises an eyebrow.

“You love her,” Leia explains, like it’s obvious. “You’ve been especially attuned to her safety and well-being since she showed up five years ago.”

“I don’t... I don’t want to hurt her.”

“Then, don’t,” Leia laughs. “Have you spoken to her?”

“Not about... this. Not until—“

“Talk to her. She’s probably worried to death.”

“I will.”

“And whenever you’re ready for your grandmother’s ring—“

“_Mother_,” Ben groans. “For the love of god...”

“Talk to her, Benjamin,” Leia narrows her eyes. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Ben rolls his eyes as he grabs his sealant spray and steps back from the canvas to fix it. He pulls his phone from his pocket.

It’s 9:32.

The spray would take much longer than two and a half hours to completely set, but that would be long enough for it to be transferable.

He takes a deep breath before sending the text.

_Rey, are you asleep?_

He almost assumes she’d make him wait. He deserved it. But she was too kind. Much kinder than he deserved.

_No. Fell asleep earlier on accident. I’ll probably be up for hours. At least I’ll get some packing done. Is something wrong?_

There’s an insidious little voice inside of his head that tells him he doesn’t deserve her. _She’s_ worried about _him_ and he doesn’t deserve it.

_Everything’s fine. I wanted to ask you if you would be okay with meeting me in the backyard. At midnight._

This time, he does have to wait a few minutes. He’s halfway tempted to go glance at her window to see if he could attain any clues. He refrains. She finally replies.

_Yours?_

_Yeah. If you want._

_Okay. I’ll be there._

It’s a cheap alternative. _Too_ cheap. But he does it anyways.

_Good. I love you, Rey._

* * *

Rey had managed to keep her hope at bay over the last month. She even tried to keep it at bay as she stood in front of her back patio doors waiting for her phone to tell her it was midnight.

She had no clue what was in store.

He’d still told her he loved her. But that could be interpreted a _million_ different ways. Most of them not being the way she wanted.

She’s surprised at how much light there is outside from the moon. She’d figured she’d be tiptoeing over to his backyard in relative darkness. But there he is.

She isn’t exactly sure why she’s so shocked to see him actually sitting there on the steps of the porch, waiting for her. Maybe because she hadn’t seen him this close in the last month. Her mind had assumed he’d be an apparition the next time it saw him.

He’s sitting along the length of a step with his back resting on the railing behind him. She sees the back of a canvas resting on the step above him. She sits silently along a step a couple under his.

“Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks.”

He looks down and sees the bracelet still around her wrist. He figured that was a good sign.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs. “What I did was shitty, and I’m sorry. I did this to keep from hurting you, and I’m pretty sure I did anyways. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Rey shrugs. “I get it.”

“I’m glad you get it, but it’s _not_ okay,” he lightheartedly laughs. “I essentially detonated a bomb into your face and then left you to deal with it alone.”

“I _am_ the one who planted it,” she admits. “I kissed you.”

Her cynical brain reminds her that she’d sabotaged her own first kiss.

“I can tell you’re worried about something else,” he examines her. “What is it?”

She shakes her head.

“Rey, you can tell me anything.”

“Are you... are you sure it wasn’t a mistake?” She winces.

“You mean the kiss?”

“No... what you told me.”

“That I love you?” He asks, incredulously.

Her eyes fall as he says it. He can tell she doesn’t believe it. Or that she doesn’t believe it in the way he means it. The fact that she could doubt how lovable she was infuriated him.

“Rey, the only thing I regret is that I didn’t get to have the time I wanted to tell you properly,” Ben shakes his head. “We should’ve had time... alone. We shouldn’t have been rushed. It doesn’t change how true it is. I love you, Rey.”

She’s almost annoyed at how much relief comes from hearing him say it again.

“You’re sure, though? I mean... I know you’re not an idiot, Ben, but I should remind you,” Rey’s voice picks up in volume and speed with a tinge of anger. “I was _raped_. God only knows what the hell that means for me being with someone else, but I’m putting my money on it not being smooth sailing. And because it happened when I was so young, I have nothing to go off of for experience. _Nothing_. Not a thing. And it’s not like you’re eighteen and inexperienced, too, Ben. You’re twenty-three. You know what you’re doing and I don’t and I don’t want to hold you back and—“

She shakes her head, her thoughts flooding out of her like she’d broken a dam.

“And I’m still so _gone_ for you,” she laughs bitterly. “There is _nothing_ you could do that would make me less infatuated with you. Not a damn thing. You gave me fucking radio _silence_ for thirty-three days after you told me you loved me and sent me away, and though I’m still so goddamn _angry_, the only thing I can think about is how much I love you, Ben.”

For a total amateur, she’s surprised at how quickly she can respond to Ben’s answering kiss. She learns quickly—mostly because she has no other choice than to follow his frantic lips. She doesn’t mind.

She’s at least glad she gets to kiss him much longer than expected before he’s pulling away.

“Say it again.” He breathes.

She raises an eyebrow.

“Tell me you _love_ me.”

She laughs, airy and breathless and completely giddy. Ben can’t help but grin right along.

“_That’s_ what you got out of that monologue, you ass?” She laughs.

His lips land against her neck.

“Tell me.”

She can’t exactly ignore him when he does that.

“I love you, Ben,” she manages as his mouth gently moves over the span of her neck and jaw. “I... love you...”

“I love _you_, Rey,” Ben replies, and seems to compose himself. “Please forgive me.”

Rey scoffs.

“Ben, I’d forgiven you the second I got that first text message the morning after.”

He leans in to kiss her cheek.

“I got you something.”

He nods up at the canvas.

She grabs it and turns it around to look at it.

“Oh my god...”

It’s her. _All_ of her. Different glimpses of her life over the last five years. All in a charcoal-drawn collage.

There’s an illustration of herself at thirteen cocooned in winter gear as she was being pulled in Finn’s sled. When she sprained her ankle.

There’s another of her and Luke at her first showcase.

Another of her and all of her friends sitting around her trampoline during a sleepover for her birthday.

He’d even managed her sixteenth year.

There’s a drawing of her laying strewn out along Han’s chair. She knows it’s from when she ran over there shorty after the rape. She recognized the million layers of clothes. And the tiny scratches on her face.

There’s another of her leaning against the door frame of the Fairlane, laughing as Ben told her a story about Finn.

Another shows her in the days after she’d learned of the failed abortion and the subsequent one. She was lounged on the couch beside Finn with a giant bag of the rainbow sour candy she loved in her lap.

He’d drawn the day she got her car. She laughs, remembering how much she’d _hated_ the woman he worked with, barely even remembering her face now.

There was a tiny drawing of her cynically eating a breadstick in the kitchen of the cabin last Christmas.

And another of her studying a playing card held in her hand.

There was a larger one of her in her prom dress. While she’d hated it at the time, he made it look way more stunning than she’d felt inside the dress. While it’s mostly her profile, he added the hints of his own arms and hands around her and his chest against her face.

The final one she sees is a young girl with haphazard braids and scattered freckles laughing over a piece of birthday cake and the icing that hand landed on the nose of a little boy she’d just met who’d end up being her best friend. A little boy whose brother she’d end up falling in love with.

“You’re pretty quiet.” Ben finally speaks up.

Rey reluctantly draws her eyes away from the masterpiece. She hadn’t even realized she’d been crying.

“It’s _beautiful_, Ben,” she manages. “I can’t even explain how much this means to me...”

“I love you.”

“You’re gonna get tired of that real quick.” Rey laughs.

“I _highly_ doubt that.”

“Well, you might wanna tire yourself of it in preparation,” She winces. “Or it’s gonna be a really awkward beach trip for everyone involved.”

“We need to tell your parents at some point.” He frowns.

“And _yours_.”

“That might _not_ be necessary, actually...”

She glances up at Ben and sees him offering an apologetic smile.

“Oh, dear _god_,” Rey groans. “They both know?! _Fuck_. Leia. How am I going to look _Leia_ in the eye?”

“You’ve got the easy part,” Ben scoffs. “They both _adore_ you. Mom will literally be over the moon. I’ll have to face Chewie.”

Rey winces. Maybe he did have it worse.

Her yawn breaks through the silence that had fallen. Ben brushes an errant strand of hair from her forehead before pulling her to rest against his chest.

“We should call it a night.”

“_Morning_, technically.” Rey sighs.

“I’m surprised mom hasn’t bolted out here yet,” Ben laughs. “Dad sleeps like he’s in a coma. It’s a little concerning. Mom, on the other hand...”

“I’ll see you again, though? No more shuns planned?”

“Never again,” he kisses her cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Later today, actually,” Rey nods with a smirk, grabbing her newest Ben Solo original artwork. “I’d be mad if you made me wait until tomorrow.”

“You’re a brat,” Ben narrows his eyes playfully. He kisses her again, this time returning to her lips. “I love you. Go to bed.”

“_One_ more?” Rey grins.

Be laughs, shaking his head. He kisses her, regardless. As if it’s some _huge_ inconvenience...

He makes this one longer and stops just when his brain starts getting ideas.

“Now,” he presses one more kiss to her forehead. “Go to bed.”

“Fine,” she pouts. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Rey,” Ben can’t help but smile like an idiot. He feels lighter than air. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

* * *

Rey sleeps soundly that night, mental exhaustion claiming her in record time. The next night, however, she tosses and turns until nearly four in the morning.

And then her alarm goes off at 5:30 for her to get ready for the trip ahead.

“You have your phone charger? All of your medicine...” Maz’s detail orientation is in full swing since her anxiety is a little heightened today.

To be fair, she was letting her only daughter go away for a week and a half... and she’d be ten hours away.

“Yeah, I’ve got both,” Rey can sense her mom’s worry. “I promise I’ll call. Every hour if you want.”

“I’d still worry, _stellina_,” Maz hugs her daughter. “I’ll always worry about you.”

“I’ll be fine. Safe. I promise.”

“Benjamin knows about all of your medications and everything, right? Just in case?”

“I—“

The speaking of his name conjures him into their driveway. Ben had his Jeep loaded, along with Poe and Finn already camped out in the back.

“Ready for a ten hour trip?” Ben smirks, keeping his distance while Maz was still around.

“I’m ready to sleep,” Rey laughs. “_Please_ tell me Finn and Poe aren’t in full swing this early.”

“They’re asleep, mercifully,” Ben seems relieved. “Here. Let me throw your stuff in the back. It’s like playing Jenga at this point.”

Ben grabs all of her bags like they’re packed with feathers and Rey _immediately_ turns her attention away from his muscles before her face betrays her.

“Call me and check in when you’re close,” Maz wraps her arms around Rey. “Are you riding with Ben or Rose?”

Nonchalant. It’s nothing. Just be nonchalant. 

“It depends on which vehicle is likely to be calmer,” Rey offers a laugh. “So, since Finn and Poe are asleep, probably Ben.”

Once again, he appears behind them just as his name is spoken.

“Take care of my baby,” Maz tells him sternly, which is hilarious considering she’s half his height. She hugs him, though, knowing she doesn’t need to remind him. “And be safe driving.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take _good_ care of her,” Ben replies while Maz is still hugging him. “We’ll be safe.”

And then he has the nerve to actually _wink_ at Rey while her mother’s back is turned to her. Rey immediately feels her jaw tense as she fights the urge to respond with a smile.

With another final goodbye to Chewie, Rey follows Ben and then they’re off on the ten hour journey.

There may be more people in Rose’s Van, but Rey was willing to bet Ben’s Jeep had at least ten times the amount of luggage.

And pillows. So many fucking _pillows_ and _blankets_.

There’s so many she can barely see Finn and Poe in the backseat, which she temporarily forgets when Ben’s hand comes to rest on Rey’s thigh.

She glances into the backseat at least a million times before speaking. Both Poe and Finn had headphones in, but she was still nervous to speak.

“Sleepy?” He beats her to the punch.

“Very,” she answers, even though she’s so on edge it seems like she’s the opposite of tired. “I slept for like an hour last night.”

The entire time she speaks, she keeps glancing into the backseat.

“They’re dead asleep,” Ben tries to reassure her. “They didn’t even flinch when a bag fell on Finn when I was shuffling them around.”

Rey snorts.

“Conversations should be fine,” He adds. “Just don’t do anything you wouldn’t want them to see if they were to spontaneously wake up.”

He adds a little eyebrow wiggle at the end, and Rey can’t help but laugh.

“It is six in the _fucking_ morning, how are you like this right now?”

“You’re here.” He shrugs.

Rey wants to roll her eyes and tell him he’s full of shit because, objectively, that line was _horrendous_, but the way he’d looked at her and the way his fingertips were brushing back and forth against the skin on the inside of her thigh...

It was going to be a long ass ten hours.

* * *

It’s five hours in and she wakes up in a haze.

She shifts in the passenger seat and that’s when she realizes it...

She feels the thin fabric of her underwear, now damp.

_Damp_ was an understatement.

“Good morning,” Ben laughs once she sits up quickly. “You alright?”

Utter embarrassment floods through her body. She’s sure she looks crazy. She’s adjusting her legs every ten seconds and the way his hand is still gently squeezing her leg is only making the underwear situation a _million_ times worse.

“Yeah, yeah, um... any rest areas close?” She asks.

“Uh, yeah, there’s one in the next couple of miles. Are you sure you’re alright, baby?”

_Fuck_.

_Fuck_. _Fuck_. Fuckity _fucking_ fuck.

She somehow manages to keep her face and her voice impassive, but her fucking legs...

Her legs literally _clenched_ and her muscles tightened around his hand when the word fell from his lips. And it was such a trivial thing... a stupid little pet name.

But her brain had taken that innocent little pet name and turned it into a _completely_ different scenario where he’d be calling her that as he—

“Rey,” Ben snaps her back out of her internal hell. “We’re here.”

“Oh.”

His hand slides against the top of her thigh as he moves it to let her out.

She’s surprised when she hears his door open, too.

“Gonna stretch my legs for a while.”

He explains why he’s hovering around the Jeep as she begins to walk to the restrooms.

Once she shuts herself inside the bathroom, she locks the door and moves straight to the sink. She splashes her face with cold water and wills herself to calm the _fuck_ down.

She’s utterly repulsed at how much toilet paper it takes to haphazardly clean herself up. The underwear are at the point of no return. She takes them off and folds them to where they’re indiscernible in the back pocket of her shorts.

After she washes her hands and recites a few more calming mantras into her head, she unlocks and opens the door.

Ben moves inside before she can even fully realize he’s there. He shuts and locks the door from behind him and glances down at her.

“Before I make a complete idiot of myself,” He begins. “Am I correct in assuming you didn’t have me stop because you actually needed to use the restroom?”

Rey’s eyes twitch.

“What?”

“I had a feeling you might have been... but then when I called you ‘baby’, I felt your legs tighten and your mouth popped open a little... and your face was flushed...”

Rey is _mortified_. And still, her traitorous body gets turned on when he says ‘baby’.

“Rey, you’ve gotta focus,” he breaks through the silence. “We’ve got about five minutes before we need to go back... I could help you.”

“_Help_ me?” She squeaks.

Ben’s body grows closer, pulling her to him instead of backing her against the wall. She idly wonders if he does that on purpose... to not scare her.

“To relax,” He clears his throat. “To _come_.”

Rey feels her ears literally ring. When her hips instinctively press further into him, he moves his mouth to the side of her neck, right under her ear.

“I _love_ you,” he tells her. “If you’d like, I could help you come. But if it’s too much—“

“It’s not,” Rey finds herself blurting. “I just...”

“It’s me, Rey,” he tries to assure her, his voice gentle and hushed. “You have nothing to be scared or ashamed of.”

“I... okay.” Rey flushes as she nods.

His mouth lands on hers with pressure, but she can tell he’s warming her up without shocking her. His hands move all around her body, with one tracing around to her back and dipping under the band of her—

“_Fuck_,” he loses all the air in his lungs as his hand lands on her bare ass. “Rey, _where_ are your...”

“Um,” she bites her lip. “I had to, um, take them off.”

“Because they were... _wet_?”

She pauses, but then relents and nods. She watches as he stares intently at her, his hand moving out of her shorts only to dip into the pocket...

He takes the underwear and breaks his gaze away from hers only to look down at the clear sheen on them. He then tucks them into his own pocket before his hands wrap around her and trail down to her ass, lifting her in the air. He sits her down on the edge of the sink before his fingers move to the waist of her shorts.

“Rey, if you want to stop at any point, tell me.”

Rey nods before his mouth reaches hers and his hand dips inside her shorts, sliding down all the way to her core, achingly slowly.

“Holy _shit_, you are wet,” Ben croaks. “Rey, you’re _perfect_.”

He’s barely touched her and she’s already close.

And it feels _so_ different... it’s so much better than when she’d used her own hand.

His covered fingers move up to the most sensitive part of her, the place that seemed to crave him most at the moment.

“Ben...”

She whines pitifully, and he responds with a kiss on her jaw.

“You’re doing _so_ good,” he whispers. “Can you come for me, _baby_?”

Sweet Jesus. Rey was glad it seemed to be a rhetorical question considering she’d been rendered incapable of doing anything other than moaning a mixture of his name and profanities.

She comes against his hand and her vision _explodes_ into whiteness, like an overexposed photograph. Her head falls onto his chest as she slumps forward, and she feels Ben slowly coaxing her down from her high, cupping her gently while his lips place closed-mouth kisses against her cheek.

“Feel better, now?” She feels Ben smile against her cheek.

Rey still can’t form a coherent thought, apparently. It doesn’t help when he’s removed his hands and they both see his fingers are clearly wet. And it really, _really_ doesn’t help when she watches him lick his fingers clean.

“_Babe_? It wasn’t too much was it?”

The worry in Ben’s voice is what finally snaps Rey out of her post-orgasm haze.

“No,” She manages. “It was good... _really_ good.”

Ben chuckles.

“Will you be alright to clean up while I go back outside? It’d be less, uh... conspicuous.”

Rey nods and he kisses her one final time before walking to the door.

“I love you, baby.”

She glances up at him. And _damn_ if she wasn’t almost back to square one.

“Love you, too.”

He shuts the door behind him and Rey re-locks it. It takes even longer to clean up this time around. She’s not 100% confident on female physiology, which is embarrassing considering she’s both eighteen and a female.

She’d been familiar with the wetness the handful of times she’d done this herself.

This time?

It was like comparing a _stream_ to _Niagara_ _Falls_.

She manages and then makes her way back to the Jeep, where Poe and Finn are now reluctantly awake.

“I’ll text mom and tell her you’re starving us if we don’t stop for food in the next twenty minutes.”

So after a hangry Finn (along with everyone else) is fed, they begin the last half of their journey.

The closer they get to South Carolina, the warmer the air gets. It’s like a warm, muggy blanket wrapped around Rey’s legs as she lets her hand float through the air out the passenger side window. It’s already getting dark, but the dwindling light is bright enough, so when they reach the coastline, Rey watches the horizon shift from land to sea.

It’s like _nothing_ she’s ever seen before.

The closer they get to the beach house, the more the traffic dies down to where they’re the only ones on the road. Rey can’t contain herself anymore when they’re on the quiet one way road leading to the house and ends up opening the sunroof of Ben’s Jeep, sticking her head out the top.

She can literally taste the salt in the air and and feel the moisture from the ocean nearby.

“If a seagull shits on your head, I’m not liable.”

Rey peeks down and sees the smirk on Ben’s face as his eyes stay glued to the road.

She hears a car horn and looks behind her, where Kay and Jessika are waving at her from Rose’s van.

The second they unload all of their luggage into the beach house, Rey’s running down the little boardwalk until her feet reach the warm sand.

She keeps walking until the sand becomes damp. She stands and waits until she feels the warm ripple of water cover her feet and then recede back into the ocean. Her toes wiggle when they start sinking down into the sand.

“Worth the drive?”

She turns and sees Ben walking up to her.

“It’s _beautiful_.” She looks back at the crashing waves.

“It is.”

She turns back to see Ben looking at her, and not at the ocean in front of them.

She _never_ thought she’d have this. Never in a million years. Rey thought that her life had been ripped of _any_ future potential happiness two years ago. That she’d never be anywhere near normal again. Never moving forward. Either sinking or just floating in the same spot.

She never thought she’d feel like she was back on land again. Able to walk on her own two feet.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you, like, officially,” Rey speaks up. “Since the first day I met you, you were _nothing_ but kind to me. I never felt anything but safe around you. And you always treated me like I was the same person as before...”

“You _are_ the same person.”

“I’m _not_,” Rey shakes her head, crossing her arms as she draws lines in the sand with her toes. “But that’s not a bad thing. It’s not exactly a _good_ thing, but...”

She sighs, narrowing her eyes for a moment as she stares at the water, trying to think of how to explain what she was feeling.

“It’s like when you get a car,” she shrugs. “Everything’s set when you first get it, but by the time you’ve had it for two, five, ten years... there’s bound to be new tires and new brakes and oil changes and spark plugs. Maybe a few dents here and there.”

Ben laughs.

“The point is... there’s going to be a million different things about the car from when you first got it,” she shakes her head. “But it’s still _your_ car. The parts that make it up may have changed along the way, but it’s still there.”

“I don’t care how many times you have to have a new spark plug put in or how many sets of tires you go through, Rey,” He wraps his arms around her as she tucks her head against his chest. “You’ll always be _my_ Rey. And I’ll _always_ love you.”

“I’ll always love _you_, Ben.”

He kisses the top of her head before the last drop of bliss runs out and a voice breaks their embrace.

“The _fuck_ is going on here?”

Rey’s head turns so quickly she nearly gets whiplash.

“Finn...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, how 'bout them apples? 
> 
> Looks like they couldn't keep the cat in the bag. Or their hands off each other. 
> 
> Either way, the next chapter should be interesting...
> 
> Also, the total chapter count has went up from 12 to 13... It may make its way to 14, it just depends on how I break up the story into the remaining chapters.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading :)
> 
> -kristen
> 
> twitter: @kylouwu


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Finn have some conflict resolution. Poe is Poe. Jessika and Kaydel are unabashedly themselves, as well. Rey and Ben discover what will likely become their new favorite activity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other than some brief conflict resolution, this is smut. Pure smut. I have already accepted the fact that I'm garbage.

Ben wonders idly if he could just throw Finn into the sea to float away for the time being. With every increasingly heated exchange of words, his body starts moving back to where he and Rey were standing, but Rey just inevitably tells him—

“It’s _fine_, Ben.”

Rey turns back to Finn, who’s slowly decreasing in his DEFCON status.

His first assumption was obviously the worst. He’d went with the scenario that Ben was taking advantage of Rey.

Then, he went the _complete_ opposite route. He’d assumed Rey had a panic attack and Ben was just calming her.

Rey couldn’t lie to him, though.

So, Finn went back up a few DEFCON levels.

“Rey, you’re eighteen as of _yesterday_. He’s twenty-three. And like your brother—“

“I’m _eighteen_, like you said, Finn,” Rey bites back. “I think I could also consider myself to be a _little_ more mature than most eighteen year olds. I’ve been through enough, don’t you think?”

Finn frowns.

“That’s not fair, that’s—“

“No! _No_, Finn! You wanna know what’s not fair? I was raped! I was humiliated when I was sixteen, and I had decided I would _never_ be happy again. I’d never fall in love. I’d never feel safe or comfortable around someone else to even let them a _foot_ near my body. I was so completely and totally thrilled when I realized that wasn’t true. He was never a brother to me, Finn. _You_ were. I was infatuated with him for so long... and now, you’re telling me I have to rip that away, too? _Fuck_ that.”

Finn falters for a moment.

“Rey...”

“I was _there_ for you,” She shakes her head, wiping furious tears from her eyes. “I never once judged you or made you feel bad about who you are or who you love... because I _love_ you and want you to be happy, Finn. I still do, obviously. I just don’t understand how you... being constantly afraid of what others will think and being judged for no reason... how _you_ could immediately do the same to me.”

“It’s not the same, Rey... He’s much older than you.”

“Your mom is ten years younger than your dad. They met at nineteen and twenty-nine. Tell me how that’s different.”

“Dad was essentially a child. Mom was basically older than him.”

“So you’re saying I’m a _child_?”

“Rey, no, I…”

It’s silent for a moment as neither knows what to say. The silence only eats at Rey, and she feels the dam she’d built starting to crumble as her eyes burn and water. Finn’s about to speak but she cuts him off.

“I was feeling _so_ good,” she finally breaks into a sob, feeling the argument is at an inevitable impasse. “It was like a _dream_. I was _so_ in love, and Ben loved me, too, and it was like I was flying... I should’ve known better, I shouldn’t have let myself...”

Rey starts walking back to the beach house, her arms wrapped around her side.

“Rey, don’t.” She hears Finn call back.

Just as she’s reaching the back door, where she sees everyone pretending to return to whatever the hell it was they were pretending to be occupied doing, Ben calls for her.

“Rey, wait up... come on. Just give him a while to calm down, okay? It’ll all be—“

“No,” Rey shakes her head. “It’s _not_. You’re gonna realize he’s right and you’re going to leave me and _I’m_ gonna be the idiot for thinking I had a chance at all for you to love me.”

She opens the door and everyone’s so confused and slightly concerned that they don’t say a word.

“That’s _not_ true, Rey,” Ben follows her to the staircase. “Finn is in shock. He’s in shock and he’s an asshole for saying shit he doesn’t mean. He loves you, and he’ll come around. I promise.”

“It isn’t,” she feels tears sting her eyes again as her voice breaks. “He won’t. And you’ll leave me. And I’ll be alone again. And I won’t even have Finn or anyone else anymore...”

“No, baby, look at me,” Ben takes her head gently into his hands. He’s fairly sure everyone can still clearly hear their conversation, but he honestly can’t manage to give a fuck about that right now. “Remember what I told you. I will _always_ love you. And I’m _never_ leaving you. Look at me. Have I ever lied to you?”

Rey shakes her head.

“Go ahead and go upstairs. Cool down a little bit. I’ll be up shortly,” he kisses her forehead. “It’ll all blow over.”

Rey offers a noncommittal nod.

She walks upstairs and grabs a change of clothes—stealing one of Ben’s shirts while she’s at it—and then proceeds to wallow in self pity in the shower. She’s debating on whether or not she’s gonna have to take one of her goddamn little pills when she chooses to grab Ben’s body wash from the little bag he’d sat on the sink instead. The steam of the shower only makes the scent more powerful, and it feels like he’s there. She calms down enough to not take a pill. Or punch a hole in the wall.

She’s towel drying her hair in the bedroom when she hears a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

She’s expecting Ben, but when she sees Finn walk in the door, she contemplates choking him with the cord of her hairdryer. She refuses to speak, continuing with her hair.

“Can we talk?”

“No.”

“_Rey_.”

“Finn, you are my best friend,” Rey sighs. “And you’re _breaking_ my heart. Don’t make me choose between you two.”

“I’m not.”

“Aren’t you, though? You’re going to hate me if I’m with Ben, and I’d be miserable without him...”

“I could never hate you, Rey,” Finn sighs. “I was just... shocked. And _scared_. I worry about you, Rey, and the first thing I thought of was you getting hurt. I get that isn’t the case now. I’m sorry.”

“I love him, Finn.”

“I know. You’ve always kinda looked at him like he put the stars in the sky.”

Rey flushes regardless of the scowl that’s still on her face.

“I really am sorry.”

She gives in, finally nodding at him to come over and hug her.

“You know your brother,” she mumbles with her chin leaning on his shoulder. “He would _never_ hurt me.”

“Not on purpose,” he sighs, pulling away. “I love my brother, and I know he’s a great person, but I remember what he used to be like with girls and...”

“He didn’t love them, Finn,” Rey shrugs. “Think about you and Poe. More than anything else, you just care about one another.”

“Yeah, I know,” Finn relents. “I just... don’t particularly enjoy thinking about you and my brother... and _other_ things.”

“Oh, my god, Finn. _Don’t_. Just _don’t_.”

There’s another knock at the door and Ben pokes his head through.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Rey nods. “It’s cool.”

He moves just inside the door and gives each of them a quick glance.

“Finn, they’re getting ready to order the food downstairs,” Ben tells his brother. “Poe ordered yours, but if you want something else, you need to tell them. I got you the stuffed cheesy bread you like, Rey.”

“Thanks.” Rey flushes, the awkward air around her nearly suffocating her.

Poe’s head pops through the door right at the moment when the awkwardness was becoming unbearable.

“Gotta order before nine,” he explains, turning to Finn. “Got you and me the Hawaiian, babe. Didn’t know if you wanted anything else.”

“No, that’s good.”

“_So_,” Poe lingers, leaning against the doorframe as he taps into his phone. “Ben and Rey, huh? You know what, good for you, girl. Getting yourself a tall, _thick_ glass of dark and brooding water like Benjamin here.”

Rey wished she could choke him with her mind. Just a little, at least.

No one replies, and Ben just stares daggers into the side of Poe’s head.

“Oh, while I’m here,” Poe continues, “Can Finn and I have the other room with the queen since you’ll be staying in here with Rey, Ben?”

“_What_?” Rey and Ben both blurt.

“You’re sharing a room, right?”

“Why would we have planned on that if no one knew, Poe?” Rey almost laughs at his stupidity.

“Well, _duh_, you didn’t plan it. But now that it’s a known fact...”

“Rey can sleep wherever she’s comfortable,” Ben crosses his arms. “If she wants to sleep alone, she can take this room and I’ll go in the room with the two twins. You guys can take the other... just... don’t make things weird. If I start hearing shit, I’ll gouge my ears and burn this place to the ground. With you two _inside_.”

“Bit hypocritical, Ben.” Finn laughs with unease.

“What makes you think we won’t be the ones hearing _you_ two knocking boots?” Poe smirks.

“Oh my _god_, make it stop.” Rey lowers her head.

“I think the line is ‘oh my god, please _don’t_ stop’, Rey.”

“Go order the fucking pizza before I send you home in a fucking body bag.” Ben growls.

Thankfully no one kills anyone and the collective anger abates once everyone is less hungry. No one mentions what had went down earlier while they’re all eating, but Rose pulls Rey aside in the kitchen when they both go get something to drink.

“Secret’s out?”

“Guess so,” Rey offers a small smile. “Do Kay, Jess, and Kira seem to know?”

“Yeah,” Rose winces. “Ben _did_ pronounce his unyielding love for you.”

Rey flushes.

“So are you staying with him? Tonight? In _his_ room, I mean?”

“He mentioned it,” Rey shrugs, secretly thrilled at the idea. “He said I could sleep wherever I was comfortable.”

“Have you… you know… done anything _interesting_ lately?”

Rey’s eyes bulge.

“Oh my god, you have,” Rose nearly shrieks. “Tell me… is he proportional? I swear, it’s only because I worry about you, Rey… He’s built like a _tree_.”

“Dear god, Rose,” Rey huffs as her face gets even redder. “I… I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh,” Rose raises her eyebrows for a moment, then narrows her eyes as she studies Rey. “Oh! So it was _you_ who had the fun.”

Rey says nothing, but Rose has all the confirmation she needs.

“Is he good at it?”

Rey quickly looks away but she decides she could give Rose a little bit of a hint.

“Definitely.”

Everyone else definitely hears the squeal that’s emitted from Rose’s body.

That’s when the other girls come to the kitchen for no reason. They claim to be getting more pizza, but they don’t get around to that.

“So… Ben’s in love with you? When did _that_ happen?” Jess wiggles her eyebrows.

“Guys…” Rey begs, looking past the kitchen to see if the Poe, Finn, or Ben were paying any attention to the mob they’d formed.

“They won’t notice,” Kay rolls her eyes. “There’s a game on. One track mind. Every guy has one.”

“Are _you_ in love with _him_?” Kira asks, and Rey acknowledges that she’s the only one attempting to keep her voice down.

“I… yes. I think I have been for a while.” Rey answers, looking at Rose, who’s aware of the slight bending of the truth. They’d both known it for a while.

“What’s it like kissing him? _God_… I mean, guys usually have small lips, but Ben’s are like… _big_.” Jess widens her eyes dramatically.

“_Everything_ about him is big, Jess,” Kay snorts. “It’s probably like climbing up a tree just to kiss him…”

“That’s not a bad thing,” Jess replies. “Kinda hot.”

“At least he probably knows what he’s doing,” Kay huffs. “God. Remember Pete, the linebacker from St. Josephs? He was hot, but the poor thing didn’t know a vagina from an asshole.”

“Is that _necessary_ information, Kay?” Rose winces with widened eyes.

“God, you dodged a bulled there,” Jess snickers. “That’s usually the easy part for guys. They all lose it when trying to find the clit. It’s like the lost city of Atlantis.”

“Or the fountain of youth.” Kay sighs.

Rey just stares, completely baffled at the conversation her friends were having. Part of her couldn’t help but be prideful.

Ben _definitely_ knew what he was doing.

She’s a little surprised they’re so forthcoming with sexual information. She’d figured they’d all keep their distance and not say much, considering they all knew what had happened to her. But, here they were, sneaking further into a corner of the kitchen, Kay’s hand wrapped suggestively around a banana while she talks ‘strategy’.

“I appreciate your willingness to educate me,” Rey croaks. “But, I think I’ll figure it out. I’d really rather not be scarred every time I see a banana from now on.”

She had mentally taken a few notes from their giggled rambling. Jess had mentioned something about _growers_ and _showers_. Kay had went on about one guy she’d been with being _cut_, and then freaking out when the next guy wasn’t. And then there was something else about teeth being a _bad_ thing. She could guess fairly easily what that had referred to.

When everyone’s already in their rooms for the night, Rey paces inside Ben’s room, waiting for the inevitably awkward conversation about sleeping arrangements. He’d went to shower, so she was left to her own brain as she waited.

Not a good thing.

She wonders if she should put something else on. She had on Ben’s t-shirt and a pair of shorts... There was no bra involved, but it wasn’t like that mattered. You couldn’t exactly tell, anyways.

Would he want her _more_ dressed? _Less_ dressed?

Fuck. Should she brush her teeth again?

Would everyone else know where she was sleeping? Would they make it weird?

She’s still pacing when she hears the door open.

“Hey,” he seems surprised. “I figured you’d be asleep already.”

She just shakes her head, crossing her arms nervously and rocking back and forth on her heels. Focusing had been difficult to begin with, but when he’d walked in with damp hair wearing sweats and only sweats—

“I can feel your existential crisis from here,” Ben teases, putting some things back into his bag before walking over to her. “I meant what I said earlier. _Your_ pace. If you want to sleep here and want me in the other room, that’s what we’ll do.”

“No, I’d rather be with you, I just...”

“Worried about them?”

She nods.

“Don’t be,” he wraps his arms around her. “Once the newness wears off, they won’t give a shit. Believe me.”

Rey laughs.

He pulls Rey backward until the both fall to the bed with Rey squealing. Ben simply pulls the covers up over them, with Rey still laying on Ben, and smirks.

“_See_? Easy.”

“You can’t sleep if you’re being suffocated.” Rey snorts, crossing her arms over his ridiculously broad chest and leaning on her chin to examine him.

Ben shifts a pillow behind his head and then leans forward to kiss her.

“I _promise_ I’m fine with it.”

Rey giggles again and Ben returns to kissing her, letting his hands roam down her back. Her body’s own immediate reaction is to bend her knees in order to straddle him and make sure her hips are in closer contact with his.

“Rey...” Ben mumbles against her jawline.

His fingers dip into the band of her shorts, but they don’t move any further.

“I promise this isn’t why I want you in bed with me,” He speaks up. “If you don’t want this, we can stop.”

“I _like_ this.” Rey admits with pink cheeks.

“Did you like... what we did earlier?”

She’d replayed it in her head at least ten times. So, yes.

Rey simply nods.

“Would you like to do something like that again?”

“Like that?” Rey squeaks.

“I’d... Only if you’re comfortable with it,” She’s shocked to see him nervous. “But, after earlier today, I’d really like to taste you.”

Rey isn’t exactly sure if her mouth is hanging open or not.

“T-taste like... um...”

“Like,” he whispers against her ear while his arm stretches down her back even further and his hand dives below her ass, between her legs to cup her. “Kissing you _here_. Tasting you _here_.”

Rey’s ninety-nine percent sure she’s going to die. But she doesn’t mind.

“Are you sure you... um... wanna do _that_?” She flushes.

Ben laughs.

“Yes, baby, I’m sure. _Very_ sure.”

Rey opens her mouth as a thought pops into her very hormonal head, but then she closes it.

“What is it?”

Ben traces his thumb across her lower lip.

She _had_ a thought... now she can’t remember it...

“Oh,” her face reddens as her memory resurfaces from her hormonal hindbrain. “I just... I mean, if you... I could... I would need you to show me, but—because I haven’t—“

“Words, baby. It’s okay. Just tell me.”

Rey bites her lip and chants a chorus of ‘fuck it’ in her head before she blurts it out.

“Can I touch you?”

There’s an almost imperceptible twitch in Ben’s face, but he seems to keep his cool. On the outside.

On the inside, Ben’s going through it.

“Rey, this isn’t about reciprocity. That’s not why I did what I did... or why I wanted to go down on you.”

The casual nature with which he speaks that last phrase almost has Rey back to square one with the memory loss.

“I know,” Rey finally replies, clearing her throat. “I... I _want_ to. I mean, if you do.”

Ben snorts.

“If I do? You do understand I’m a guy, right? Not only that, but it’s _you_ who’s asking _me_. _You_. You are ridiculously hot. And you’re asking me for _permission_ to touch my dick.”

Rey flushes.

“Is that a yes?”

“Consider this a non-contractual life-long guarantee that you’ll _never_ have to ask me that question because the answer will _unequivocally_ be yes.”

Instead of waiting for a reply, Ben flips them over to where she’s laying on her back. He hovers over her for only a moment before he lies on his side next to her.

“Do you want me to?” He gestures toward his sweats.

Rey nods timidly, totally unaware of what’s about to pop out of his pants.

She remembered the giggly talks between her friends. She’d seen anatomy books. There’d been the unfortunate, totally innocent google search when she didn’t know a word. She knew a rough summary of not just the anatomy, but the physiology. She knew some were circumcised. Honestly, she wasn’t aware what exactly that entailed. She knew part of the penis was removed shortly after a male baby was born. Just skin, she thought.

Or was it?

Shit.

She tried to compile the short list of things she’d learned earlier in the kitchen so that she wouldn’t do something wrong. If she played her cards right, maybe she could seem like she wasn’t a _total_ idiot about this.

Maybe she was in over her head.

But then he’s totally bared to her and she’s sincerely worried.

“What the _fuck_?” She blurts.

It’s big. Like, _big_ big. She explicitly remembered the google search about what the average size was for a guy, and even remembers glancing over the numbers that were supposed to represent the upper range. Those _especially_ endowed.

Ben was in that range. If not making a new range for himself.

And she hadn’t touched him yet. Wouldn’t he… _grow_? Or maybe this was what Jess meant by a ‘_shower_’.

“_That’s_ a response I hadn’t exactly prepared for.” Ben pales.

“No, I...” Rey shakes her head. “If it gets _bigger_... I mean, they get bigger when you, um... there’s no way it would... fit. I don’t even think it would now...”

Ben laughs, and it’s almost a sigh of relief.

“Baby, I’m already hard. Hate to break it to you, but _this_ is all you’re getting.”

“That’s not,” Rey shakes her head again. “I was just...”

She feels like an idiot. She’s prided herself on being good at so many things... so much so that she refused to do something new if she didn’t think she could nail it. This was something she was hopelessly naive about and she looked like a complete and total idiot.

“_Rey_, baby,” Ben immediately turns her face to his. “I wasn’t laughing at you. I was laughing because I was relieved. I thought you were disappointed. I don’t expect you to know everything about... _this_.”

Rey offers a noncommittal nod.

“Why don’t I go first?”

He starts shimmying down her body, pressing a kiss against her belly when his hands reach the band of her shorts.

“This okay?”

Rey nods, nervously fidgeting.

He removes her shorts and underwear in one go, tossing them gently onto the floor beside the bed. His hands trace back up the skin of her inner thighs, parting them wider and wider...

She panics for a moment, forgetting about all the things she should’ve mentioned beforehand.

She still had hints of scars from the cuts and scratches on her thighs, and a couple on her stomach. During her shower she was able to landscape to a degree, but there was still a patch of hair—

“I know what you’re thinking,” he murmurs against the skin of her thigh. “Don’t. You’re _beautiful_, Rey.”

His lips place gentle kisses along her thighs, in a haphazard pattern that Rey doesn’t understand until she sees—

He’s kissing her _scars_. Each and every one. He’s doing it so gently she gets goosebumps all along her body.

Before the gesture’s deeper meaning can even fully weigh on her, his fingers reach out to gently spread her as his he places one calculated open mouthed kiss directly between her legs.

“Ben...” she chokes, head falling backward as her body stretches and _keens_ into his gentle assault.

What’s even worse (_better?_) are the noises he’s making... that _they’re_ making. His groans are not only audible, but _tangible_... She can feel the vibrations from his mouth every time he groans her name. And she can hear just how _absurdly_ wet she is, especially when one of his fingers moves to the wetness gathered at her opening.

“Fuck, Rey,” he hisses. “You’re _soaked_. Can I—“

She knows what he’s about to ask since his finger was already giving out hints. She nods furiously, desperate to feel some part of him inside her.

He slowly pushes one finger inside her, further and further, and Rey silently wonders just how _long_ his fingers are... but finally she feels his knuckles hit the skin at the very bottom of her ass, and she hears an almost pained moan come from Ben’s chest.

She watches as he actually _nuzzles_ against the sensitive skin where her thigh met her hips, the softest exhale making its way from his barely parted lips. After he seems to gain back his sense of reality, his lips kiss the skin there and he begins slowly moving his finger.

“Is this okay, baby?”

Rey manages some form of a ‘yes’ as she focuses on breathing and _not_ passing out.

What a way to go, though.

Death by pleasure.

“Ben…”

It’s at this point that she vaguely realizes her vocabulary had been reduced to one word—his name.

“You’re really,” Ben breathes before his tongue darts back to her now very swollen clit. “_Really_ tight... and warm... and soft... and _fuck_, so wet...”

She knows what’s coming the second the tingling sensation radiates through her body.

“Ben, I’m...”

“I know, baby,” he continues moving his finger at a punishing rhythm, twisting and reaching and hitting places Rey didn’t even know existed within her. “You’re doing _so_ good for me, pretty girl.”

His tongue resumes its previous activity for another moment before he speaks again.

“Can you come for me, Rey? All over my _mouth_, my _finger_... let me feel it, baby girl.”

Those two words cause Rey to see _stars_. Her vision fades into blinding white and her entire body tightens into a burning hot coil originating deep in her stomach and extending outward, further and further until she feels like she’s _exploding_. Her hands had been resting on his forearms, but now they’d flown to his damp hair, her grip so tight Ben’s subconscious worries about hair loss.

He couldn’t quite find it in himself to _actually_ care at the moment, though. She could rip it all out if she wanted. This was _bliss_.

Her voice sounds like a cry as she breathlessly chokes out his name, mixed with a plethora of curses and praises, all unknowingly stoking his ego even more.

He was already _dangerously_ close to his own explosion.

“That’s it, baby,” Ben grunts, his head resting low on her stomach, gently kissing the skin beside her belly button. He continues moving his finger, slower and slower, until he knows she’s made her way back to earth. “Such a... fuck—such a good girl.”

She’s blissfully out of it until she hears Ben choking on his own words.

“Rey, _baby_... I’m gonna... can I—“

Her eyes lazily make their way to his moving figure, now hovering over her body, his cock hard and red and swollen in his fist as he pumps it relentlessly.

It’s the most intimate thing she’s _ever_ seen in her life. It feels like he’s given her some forbidden treasure—something no one else had the privilege to witness. Ben, the strong one, the one always so in control of every situation, was _unraveling_.

Because of _her_.

Rey nearly loses the ability to process thought, but somehow she manages one word of permission as she gently lifts the hem of his t-shirt from her body to reveal more of her belly and her chest.

“_Please_, Ben.”

It was mesmerizing to watch... his pale skin now flushed a deep crimson and his eyebrows knit closely together in concentration. His beautiful, _beautiful_ lips were deliciously open before he began muttering her name.

“Rey, _fuck_... I _love_ you, baby, fuck, I’m... fuck, uh-“

He collapses onto one arm, hovering just half a foot above her now as they both watch him empty himself onto her stomach and chest. Thick, long ropes of white cover the entirety of her exposed skin, reaching all the way up to the pebbled peaks of her chest. And it lasts longer than she’d thought... though she has absolutely _no_ problem with that.

His breathing begins to even and he shudders as he collapses to his side next to her. He immediately kisses her, and she flushes as she notices a distinct taste on his tongue.

“I love you.” He pants, brushing her hair from her forehead.

“_I_ love _you_.” She counters.

“That was... _Jesus Christ_.”

“I think I’ve been tranquilized.” Rey breathes.

Ben chuckles gently before he grabs his discarded sweats and begins gently wiping Rey clean. They hadn’t gotten to pulling her shirt off earlier, so now as Ben cleans her, he can’t help but let his hands linger around her chest. He briefly caresses her breasts and kisses each one, leaving open mouthed kisses on each of her nipples. Thankfully, Rey’s too sexually inebriated for it to have any real impact.

It’s just _sweet_.

When he’s finished he grabs another t-shirt and boxers for him to put on, while Rey pulls his t-shirt back over her body.

“Goodnight, baby. I love you.”

Ben pulls Rey to his side and she hooks her knee up over him so she can get closer and lay her head on his chest.

“Love you, too.”

It was her first night spent in bed with Ben Solo, and she could only hope it would be _nowhere_ near the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beach vacation? What beach vacation? Can't Rey and Ben just... stay indoors? You know... gotta protect yourself from those UVs. 
> 
> Once again, the chapter count has gone up. I'm deciding on how I want to transition into an epilogue and how I want the timeline to progress and where exactly I want the main story to end before the epilogue... So, there may be 14-15 chapters. I think the most would be 16. Gotta have room for plot amidst all the smut coming up. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading :) 
> 
> -kristen
> 
> twitter: @kylouwu


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey just knows what she wants, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Rey mentions the abortion, talks about the rape

By the time the ten days are almost over, Rey’s surprised to find that Ben _had_ been right. The newness had worn off and no one seemed fazed by the two of them now. They sat together whenever they went to restaurants, they had caricatures drawn together, rode all the amusement rides together... Ben had even talked Rey into parasailing.

Rey had then talked Ben into letting the entire crew bury him into the sand.

One threat of incriminating photographs and Ben had broken through the two feet of sand in a flash, running after Finn’s phone.

It was the last morning of the trip, and Ben was intent on walking outside and watching the sun rise over the ocean. He’d threatened Rey with ice water to get her outside right before dawn, where they lounged in the warm sand.

Rey was laying between Ben’s legs, back against him as he laid back against a beach lounger. He’d been haphazardly braiding and unbraiding sections of her hair. It didn’t take long for the repetition and the warmth to lull her back to sleep. And shortly after, he’d fallen asleep, too.

They walk back to the beach house around noon with _hilariously_ shaped sunburns and some embarrassing (yet admittedly heartwarming) pictures sent from Rose, who had snapped them when she and Kira had decided to walk down the beach.

Rey was starting to feel the anxiety of their impending departure. They’d all go home and she and Ben have to come clean to her parents. There was no way around it now, since everyone else clearly knew. Ben could tell something was off with her, so he’d been even more attentive in an effort to distract her. It didn’t go unnoticed, especially by everyone else in the house.

“What’s going on, lovebirds?” Kay sits down across the kitchen island from them, leaning her elbows on the countertop.

Rey just rolls her eyes as she continues cutting up what was left of the fruit they’d bought. They had a lot of eating to do so that they wouldn’t need to waste or pack up all the food when they left. Rey was sure Finn and Poe wouldn’t mind the challenge.

“Want some?” Rey decides to be polite.

“I’m good,” Kay shakes her head. “You guys are awfully lovey-dovey today. You’ll wanna watch out. Babies are _exhausting_, just ask Rose’s sister and she’ll—“

“That’s a little inappropriate, Kaydel.” Ben speaks calmly.

Rey doesn’t look up from the cutting board, and instead takes her frustration out on the pineapple she was carving.

“Just saying,” Kay holds her hands up. “They’re easy to make and not so easy to—“

“_Fuck_,” Rey winces as the knife cuts into her finger. “God dammit.”

She walks over to the sink and rinses her finger, the acidity from the pineapple only making it burn worse.

“Babe, are you alright?”

“Shit, Rey... you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Rey sighs. “Ben, can you go get the—“

“Got it.”

He briskly walks out of the kitchen to go get the little first aid kit he’d brought.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Rey, I was just kidding around. I’m sorry.” Kay frowns.

“I know. It’s fine.”

Rey continues to stare down at her finger while her eyes burn.

“It’s not, though... what’s wrong?”

Rey sighs loudly before taking a deep breath.

“I can’t exactly get pregnant, Kay, so it doesn’t matter.”

“What?”

“When I was in the hospital like a month... _after_... it’s because the abortion I had when it happened didn’t work. So... there were _two_ rounds of medications ripping tissue from my uterus and doing a the number on it. And apparently, all the stress and hormone imbalances don’t help either. My uterus is officially inhabitable for an embryo.”

“Rey...” Kay places her hand on Rey’s shoulder.

“It’s fine.”

“It’s _not_, and I’m so sorry,” Kay’s voice breaks. Rey absentmindedly notes that she’d never seen Kay quite this emotional or reserved. “I’m such an asshole. I had no idea. You act so strong and together all the time and it’s so... I don’t know how you do it. I _really_ don’t. None of us do.”

“I’m not strong. Believe me,” Rey scoffs, finding the idea humorous. “It’s just you guys were never around for the crumbling. It was always my family... or Ben. Ironically enough, he was there for most of it. He was always good at getting my feet back on the ground.”

“I’m glad you have him now,” Kay smiles. “Not that you didn’t have him then, just—“

“I get it.” Rey offers a smile.

“We’re all here for you, too, Rey,” Kay continues. “Whether I’m acting like a dumb-ass and putting my foot in my mouth or not.”

Rey laughs and rolls her eyes.

“Good to know.”

“Sorry, Finn moved the fucking thing and I couldn’t find it,” Ben runs back in. He opens the box and rifles through it before finding disinfectant and bandages. “Is it bad?”

“No,” Rey shakes her head. “Just stung because of the pineapple, I think.”

“I’ll get the pineapple up, Rey.” Kay moves back across the kitchen, subtly giving the two some space.

“You good?” Ben asks quietly.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“She didn’t know?”

Rey shakes her head.

“You know that’s something we should probably talk about.”

Rey flinches.

“I just mean... it’s something that upsets you. And you have every right to be upset about it. I just want you to feel like you can talk to me about it.”

Rey nods.

“I talked Finn and Poe into riding home with Rose and the girls tomorrow,” Ben informs her. Rey raises an eyebrow, surprised at his audacity. “The Jeep will be less crowded and use a hell of a lot less gas... and we can talk about what happens when we get home.”

“I’m scared to tell them, Ben. They’ll hate me.”

“Rey. They _won’t_ hate you. If there’s any negative feelings at all, I promise you they’ll be directed toward me.”

“That’s hardly fair.”

“I’m the man. I’m the one who’d been an adult much longer. And now I’m... _corrupting_ their daughter. I can see how it would be a little of a shock.”

“_Corrupting_?” Rey flushes with a snort. “Wouldn’t the corruption be mutual? I mean, it has gone both ways.”

“Sure. Mutual corruption.” He grins, leaning down to kiss her.

“Yep. Get all that out of your system before you get home tomorrow and Chewie rips off all your limbs, Ben.”

Finn had just walked into the kitchen, helping himself to some of the fruit Rey had cut up.

“Chewie’s not going to rip my arms off.” Ben rolls his eyes before moving from Rey.

“We’ll see.”

Rey frowns.

She idly wonders if it wouldn’t be so bad for her and Ben to completely go on the run and never return home.

But she blinks and it’s later the next day, and they are pulling onto her street, and she realizes that’s _not_ going to happen.

“Remember what we talked about,” Ben reminds her. “They love you. They’ll always love you. If they’re upset, they won’t be upset for long.”

Rey nods, steeling herself by hanging onto Ben’s arm for dear life.

He pulls into her driveway and Rey takes a deep breath before unbuckling.

“I love you,” he kisses her cheek. “You’re sure you don’t want me inside yet?”

“No,” Rey shakes her head. “I can do this. They should hear it from me first.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

She reluctantly lets go of him and climbs out of the Jeep, taking only her handbag in with her.

Maz opens the door before Rey can even make it completely onto the porch.

“My _stellina_! You’re home! Oh, I missed you,” she hugs her daughter. “You’re as red as a lobster, honey, look at you.”

Rey laughs nervously and begins to walk inside but Maz looks into the driveway.

“Do you not need to get the rest of your things? Is that Benjamin driving?”

“I’ll get them in a minute,” Rey shakes her head. “Is dad home?”

“Yeah, he’s in the kitchen,” Maz smiles, momentarily distracted. “Chewie! Rey is home!”

They both walk into the kitchen and Chewie wraps his big arms around Rey.

“You’ll be glad to know your mother only thought about driving down there twice,” He snorts, and Rey laughs. “I’m glad you’re home, sweetheart. Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, it was great,” Rey nods, fidgeting. “Um... is it... can I talk to you guys for a minute?”

They both notice the change of tone and turn their attention to their daughter.

“Is there something wrong, _stellina_?”

“No, no,” Rey shakes her head, taking another deep breath. “It’s just, um... It’s not fair of me to ask you this, but can you try not to freak out?”

“Honey, you can tell us anything.” Chewie shakes his head.

“What’s wrong, Rey?”

“I... um,” She’s not even remotely sure how to address this. She wants to cry and cringe and crawl into a deep hole. “I’m in a relationship... with _Ben_.”

She prepares herself for explosions, but there’s silence. _Crippling_ silence.

It’s fucking _torture_.

“Before you ask or worry, I swear it wasn’t even a _thought_ before I was eighteen, and he never would’ve made any... unwanted advances,” Rey rambles. “And I promise he’s never been anything less than totally kind and caring... _Please_ don’t hate me.”

That breaks the silence.

“_Hate_ you?” Maz scoffs.

“Honey, we don’t hate you. That’s not possible.” Chewie sighs.

“Don’t hate him, either,” she begs. “There’s nothing even _remotely_ close to a malicious bone in his body. He loves me and his main concern is making sure I’m happy and safe and—“

“_Loves_ you?” Maz squeaks.

Chewie sighs loudly, running his hands over his face.

“Um. Yes.”

“And you?”

Rey stares down at her fidgeting hands, feeling her eyes water. She was honestly surprised she’d held it in this long.

“I love him,” Rey admits. “I didn’t think that I would be able to feel like this, um... after. But I never panic when I’m with him, and I never even worry about panicking. I’m so comfortable around him... and it’s like he already knows everything in my head before I can even think it or say it... he’s _sweet_, and kind, and selfless. And I promise he worries about me just as much as you do.”

“Chewie?”

He’s already standing from the table and glancing out the window of the kitchen to see Ben’s Jeep still sitting there.

“He’s outside?”

“Dad, please don’t hurt him.” Rey whines.

“Honey, your lack of faith in me is disturbing,” Chewie snorts. “I just need a little air. I’m only going to talk to Ben.”

Rey watches in horror as her dad walks outside and Ben turns off the Jeep, climbing out.

“He’s gonna kill him.”

“No, he’s not, _stellina_,” Maz hugs her daughter. “This was something your father and I had to prepare ourselves for when we first adopted you. Someday you’d meet a boy, or someday you’d get your heart broken. Then, someday you’d get married and you’d have someone else besides the two of us to lean on.”

“You’re still my mom, and he’s still my dad,” Rey insists. “And I loved you two first. Now, I just have another person I love.”

“My little girl is growing up,” Maz pats Rey’s hair. “I’m gonna miss you when you go off to college. In two weeks.”

“I’ll come visit,” Rey assures her. “And you can come visit me... but there’s another thing...”

Maz raises an eyebrow.

“Ben’s new job transfer... it’s in Virginia.”

“Oh,” Maz seems surprised. “What part?”

“Um... it’s like ten minutes from where my apartment will be.”

Maz smiles.

“Honey, while your father is _safe_ outside,” Maz takes a deep breath. “Are you two—“

“Please don’t ask... that,” Rey winces. “We’ve not... _no_.”

“Okay,” Maz relents. “I just worry about you. Don’t take things too quickly, okay? You two have time.”

“I know.”

“Does anyone else know?” Maz asks.

“Finn found out and went a little crazy, but I think he’s okay now,” Rey answers. “That meant everyone else found out... while we were gone, I mean. I think Han and Leia know. We were going to formally tell them after, um... after this.”

Maz nods.

“Would you look at that... See, _stellina_? I told you not to worry.” Maz gestures to the window.

Rey immediately thought it was suffocation, but it turns out Chewie was pulling Ben close for a hug.

A moment later, and Ben’s carrying in Rey’s bags, his eyes searching hers for any sign of distress.

“In your room?” He asks her.

“Oh, I can—“

“It’s fine, I’ll go ahead and carry them up for you.” Ben shakes his head.

He’s gone and back in no time, and Rey can tell just how badly he wants to bolt. She was in the same boat.

“Your medicine is back in your bathroom drawer where you keep it,” he tells Rey. “In case you didn’t unpack tonight and woke up needing it, I figured—“

“That’s good,” Rey shakes her head. “Thank you.”

Chewie walks in the front door, dusting off his shoes before joining everyone else.

“_See_? I didn’t hurt him too bad.” Chewie smirks at Rey.

Rey rolls her eyes.

“We have an agreement, though,” he continues. “A single hair outta line and happy Chewie will turn into angry Chewie.”

“_Dad_.”

“Don’t worry,” Ben speaks up. “Mom’s already reminded me that she has the means of discreet and untraceable body disposal.”

“I knew I always liked Leia.”

“Chewie.” Maz scolds.

After a particularly horrific, trauma inducing discussion about _limits_ and _doors_ _staying_ _open_ and _curfews_ (even if Rey will be gone in two weeks), they make their way to do it all over again with Leia and Han.

Their reaction _definitely_ isn’t silence.

“Finally! She’ll be my actual daughter!” Leia squeals, throwing her arms around Rey.

“No more of those dumb broads he kept bringing home,” Han grumbles. “Praise the _lord_.”

“Oh, they weren’t _that_ bad,” Rey offers, trying to seem amiable. “From what I recall.”

“Rey,” Ben cocks his head to the side, grinning. “You were dying to laugh that Christmas when I brought Madison. You’d mentioned the Mona Lisa and Leonardo, and she asked you if you meant DiCaprio. I wish I could’ve framed the face you made.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember her.” Rey winces, flushing as she laughs.

“Did you talk to Chewie?” Han can’t help but laugh at his son.

“Yes,” Ben rolls his eyes. “He gave me the same talk you gave me, mother. With a tad more gusto and colorful language. But he’s game to go in 50-50 if it comes to a murder.”

Han snorts.

“Sounds like a sold plan,” Leia nods. “Rey, honey, would you like something to eat? I was just getting ready to warm up some soup I made yesterday.”

“Run while you can,” Han whispers not so discreetly. “It’s a trap.”

“Han!”

“Yes, dear?”

“Quit complaining about my cooking or I won’t cook you anything at all,” She growls at her husband. “Not everything we eat has to have an _entire_ cow in it. Vegetables are good for you.”

“Yes, your majesty. I apologize,” he sweetly acquiesces before turning back to Rey and Ben. “Lesson one, son. You’re _always_ wrong.”

Rey can’t help but giggle while Ben shakes his head in exasperation at a display he’s clearly been overly privy to the past twenty-three years of his life.

And she can’t help but have a little bit of her own giddy hope that it could be her and Ben one day, forty years from now, playfully bickering with one another.

Totally in love.

* * *

No one makes a fuss about Ben staying behind once everyone leaves from helping Rey move into her apartment. Chewie even gives Ben a hug goodbye, too, telling him to watch after his girl.

He helps her unpack boxes for a while, then helps her put together some of her living room furniture. He sets up her wi-fi and TV and all the shit she didn’t know how to do herself. He shows her how to change the air filter and water filter in her fridge, how to flip the breaker if she ever needs to, and a bunch of other random shit she knew she’d forget in the next five minutes.

They’re unpacking things to go in her bedroom when he pulls out an old gym bag Rey hadn’t seen in two years.

“Rey?” He asks, beginning to open the bag.

“That’s not... I guess Finn must’ve grabbed it out of my closet,” Rey stills. “That can go in the trash pile. I should’ve done it before... but I’d have to touch them again.”

Ben furrows his eyebrows in confusion before he looks in the bag, seeing shorts and a shirt, a bra, underwear, shoes—it was just an outfit.

“It’s from that night.” She explains. “They took evidence from all of it and then cleaned it somehow and returned it to me. When Mom brought it upstairs, I threw it in a corner of my closet and refused to acknowledge it again.”

He looks back down at the bag and sees a pair of lime green socks with smiley face emojis on them. Two friendship bracelets he’d remembered seeing her wear a couple times. Rainbow hair ties. A lanyard with a school ID where Rey looked ten years younger. Not just two.

She was just a _kid_ then.

An _innocent_, _happy_, _vibrant_ young girl.

And it had been ripped from her.

“You want it all gone?” He asks her gently. “I can get rid of it, or—“

She sighs and shakes her head before reaching for the bag, carefully taking it from his hands.

“It’s just clothes,” Rey breathes, her hands shaking around each piece she pulls from the bag. “I don’t know why it has to be such a big deal...”

But the second she takes the denim shorts into her hands, she’s feeling them being ripped down her legs again.

“Rey? Baby, look at me. You’re _safe_. You’re with me. You don’t have to do this.”

Rey feels a single tear fall down her cheek as she looks back down to the denim. There were still dirt stains that had seemed to be too embedded to remove.

A fitting metaphor.

“This is something we’ve not talked about,” She breathes. “In _detail_, I mean. I get it if you don’t want to hear it or it’s too much, I just think it might help—“

“Rey, sweetheart, look at me,” he caresses her cheeks with his thumbs. “You can tell me _whatever_ you feel you need to. I’m here for all of it. If you think it’ll help you move on, I’m here. I’ll listen.”

It’s not like she wanted to tell him the gory shit. She hadn’t told anyone other than Leia and the other cops at the police station. She knew that whenever the motherfucker she refused to acknowledge by name was put on trial, she’d have to, but she’d put it off. If she forgot about it, it would’ve never happened in the first place.

Turns out it didn’t work like that.

“I was at that party,” she begins, and Ben nods. He knew that much. “It took a while for all the memories to come back. But, um, from what I can recall, I’d been walking out to my car, and I’d had to park a little ways away. I got to a darker part of the street where there was a wooded area before the next house’s yard down the street. I remember feeling _weird_... like I knew something was wrong.”

Ben takes her hands into his and calmly rubs his thumbs against them.

“That’s when I was hit on the back of the head,” she swallows. “I didn’t remember until later, but I was dragged through a bunch of grass and dirt until I felt rougher dirt against my face. I was too out of it to scream or anything. I wish I could’ve had enough control of my brain _just_ enough to...”

“Baby, don’t blame yourself,” Ben’s voice breaks. “_Never_ blame yourself.”

“I know,” she nods. “Anyways, that was when my hands were tied. I tried fighting against them, but they hit my head and it made places in my wrists... they ripped off my, um... my shorts and underwear. And... that’s when they did it. I kept waiting to die. To drift off just once more and not drift back. I _wanted_ to die. When they were done, they hit me again and I blacked out. When I woke up, I wasn’t even... I felt _so_ far away from myself. I wasn’t processing. I just pulled my clothes back on and started walking back toward the street. There was a cop car driving down the street and they must’ve noticed I was walking like a dumb, drunk teenager. I told them nothing was wrong but they could clearly see the cuts and scratches all over me.”

She doesn’t notice that Ben’s actually _crying_ until she finally looks up.

“I’m sorry...” she squeaks.

Ben shakes his head and wipes at his face before pulling Rey to his chest. She feels him take a deep breath before clearing his throat.

“If I could go back and change it... I’d do it in a heartbeat.” He whispers against the top of her head.

“I know,” she sighs. “I... sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy or there’s something wrong with me because I’m almost... not glad it happened, obviously, but... it was like something knew I needed you there when things went to shit. And you were. By some weird coincidence, you were there every time,” She frowns when she sees his eyes still watering. She hated seeing him sad. She decides to change tack. “You were better than any benzo I’ve ever taken. Ben. Ben-zo. I’ve found your new nickname.”

Ben lets out an incredulous laugh, and wipes the rest of his tears away.

“Babe.” Ben raises her head gently to glare down at her.

“Yes, _Benzo_?”

“_Rey_.”

“Get on with it, _Benzie_. _Benzo_. Benz to the O.”

Ben attacks the tiny part of her side right below her left ribcage. He knows for a _fact_ that the tiny bit of skin right under the little freckle there was _absolutely_ and _totally_ defenseless against tickling.

“_Ben_! No, no, don’t you—“

Rey squeals as Ben hauls her from the floor and deposits her onto the mattress laying on her floor, since she still had a bed frame to put together.

It was an impossible fight.

Even with Ben _clearly_ holding back, there was no way Rey would be able to get out from under him.

She resorts to threats.

“Ben, shit—I will _pee_ on you! Ben!”

Ben grins devilishly.

“How do you know that won’t just turn me on?”

She’s so stunned that he’s able to mount a new attack.

“_Ben_!”

They both hear what sounds like Rey’s phone humming against the floor and Ben raises his head for a moment to search for it.

“Shit, um... that’s just my vibrator,” Rey deadpans. “It must’ve been in one of the boxes.”

Ben’s face contorts into _exactly_ what Rey had been hoping for. Total shock. He’s rendered _immobile_.

Rey’s able to snake out from under him to grab her _not-vibrator_ and see that it’s Finn calling her phone.

“Hi, Finn,” she answers way too cheerily, and when Ben realizes he’s been played he just watches with a smirk. “Yeah, slowly. Yeah, he’s here. Yeah, hold on.”

“It’s your brother, _Benzo_,” Rey smiles evilly. “Never underestimate me.”

“Well played,” Ben nods as she walks over with the phone. He mutes it for just a moment. “So no vibrator?”

“Of _course_ not,” Rey rolls her eyes with pink cheeks. “It got you off, though.”

“I’ll have to get you one,” he smirks. “That way I can get _you_ off.”

Rey’s mouth pops open.

“Hey, Finn.” Ben unmutes the phone.

And just like that, Rey loses the battle she’d been _sure_ she had won.

* * *

She’d spent all night and the entirety of the next day impatiently waiting. So, the _second_ Rey gets the text she jumps up from her bedroom to her living room to answer the door.

“You didn’t even give me a chance to ring your new doorbell,” Ben smirks, walking inside and shutting the door behind him. “Is it working alright? Does everything work with your phone?”

Surprisingly it wasn’t her mom or dad who recommended the CIA level security system, but Ben. He’d installed a video doorbell, window security, and indoor security cameras in her apartment the second he got the ‘ok’.

“Works great,” Rey smiles, leaning up to kiss him. “You’ll be proud to know I’ve put together not only _two_ bookshelves, but also my bed frame, two nightstands, and the coffee table in the living room.”

“Didn’t doubt you a bit, babe,” Ben smirks. “It’s not like we’re talking about Finn.”

Rey laughs and pulls him into her bedroom, showing him the progress that had been made.

“_Definitely_ doesn’t look like the college dorms I remember.”

Rey elbows him as he smirks.

“This is me we’re talking about.”

“True,” Ben smiles. “You have orientation tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Rey nods, sitting down on the end of her bed. “Thank god it’s not the same as the orientation for on-campus freshman. Rose said hers was _horrible_. They made them do group activities and go to sorority or fraternity mixers and wear matching t-shirts for three days straight.”

“_Jesus_. What do you have to do?”

“Just a basic campus tour, I think,” Rey shakes her head. “Meet our professors. Go over campus resources.”

“Then your first class isn’t until Monday?”

“Start off at 9:00 in the morning with Human Anatomy and Physiology.”

“A _wonderful_ subject if I must say so myself,” Ben grins, nudging her back further onto the bed before settling over her, playing with her hair. “Very useful.”

Rey snorts.

“I think your knowledge of the female body had absolutely _nothing_ to do with a higher institution of learning.”

“There’s really only one female body I need to have knowledge of,” He smirks devilishly. “And I feel I benefit more from an _on-the-job_ learning experience... Wouldn’t you agree?”

His hands begin snaking up her sides to take off the t-shirt she had on over her sports bra.

Once it’s off, Rey attaches her mouth to his, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist.

It doesn’t take long at all for her incessant hip thrusting to cause Ben to become uncomfortable within the confines of his pants.

“Ben,” Rey breathes. “Please. We have space now... time now... I _want_ you.”

She feels him still above her and she pouts.

“Not today, baby,” Ben kisses her cheek, but Rey pulls away and wiggles out from underneath him. “_Rey_.”

“I... I thought you said we could once...” Rey tries not to seem petulantly angry, but it’s no use. She knew what she wanted.

“I _did_, and I meant it,” Ben takes her hands into his. “But it’s already nearly eight p.m., and you’ve got to be at campus at 7:30 in the morning, and you’re gonna be exhausted from unpacking shit and putting together furniture all day. We need more time than that.”

Rey sighs. She hated it when he was right.

“Look at me,” Ben coaxes her eyes back up to his. “You know that’s why, right? You know how badly I want you, don’t you?”

She nods timidly.

“I _love_ you, Rey. Give me until Friday and I’ll show you just... how... much...”

It takes a second for the actual date to hit her due to his lips traveling all over her neck.

“Friday?”

“You’ll be free for the weekend. So will I. We’ll have Friday evening, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday to ourselves,” he explains. “I promise I will do whatever you want me to do to you.”

“It’s only Tuesday,” Rey frowns. “That’s a long time to wait.”

“How _ever_ can I hold you over until then,” Ben chuckles, his lips forming a smile against her collarbone. “Lay back, baby.”

“Wait,” she bucks back up just as she’s almost lying down. “Can you stay tonight? I mean, if you want... it’s already getting late and I just thought...”

“I have a bag in my car, baby,” he assures her. “Relax. I’ll make sure you’re up in time tomorrow. What time do you want up?”

She wanted to leave a little before seven, and she’d just showered, so six sounded reasonable.

“Six? Maybe fifteen ‘til, just in case,” she shrugs. “I know it’s early... I’ll set an alarm so you don’t—“

“I’ll wake you, baby,” He kisses her. “Now. Time to relax...”

“Can I make a request?” Rey’s confidence with... this had grown, but she still couldn’t keep her face from turning pink.

“Name it.”

“I’d like to go first,” she flushes further. “If that’s okay...”

He snickers before rolling over to his side, next to her.

“Go for it, babe.”

She begins trailing her hand down his covered chest.

“Off,” she instructs, working at his jeans as he obligingly removes his shirt. “These, too.”

She pulls down his briefs, eyeing the prize she’d been going for.

She’d only touched him so far, and he hadn’t even made any sort of suggestion of wanting anything more. To this point, he seemed genuinely pleased with her hand wrapped around him and his hands occupied... _elsewhere_.

But Rey wanted to try something else.

Something she used to consider crude and honestly wondered why _anyone_ would want to do it in the first place.

Now, she’d had _dreams_ about doing it.

_Several_ dreams.

She thought it might’ve had something to do with his dialogue whenever she touched him... that maybe it would get even better if she did this. He’d always _praise_ her, compliment her in the most intimate of ways, tell her how _good_ she was.

But it probably also had something to do with her obsession with his body...

She’d known it before. He’d always been attractive. But now, he was like a work of art she never wanted to quit studying. She wanted to experiment with every possible form of pleasure she could give him.

When she began snaking down the bed, Ben seemed to get the idea.

“Woah, there... um, what’re you doing, babe?” His head pops up.

“I wanted to try something,” she says, grabbing him and beginning a slow, torturous pace with her hand. “I did some research.”

“_Did_ you now?” His voice shoots up an octave. “That’s... _fuck_... baby, you know you don’t have to do this, right?”

“I know,” she nods, settling herself between his legs and resting her arms on his thighs. “I want to. Really, _really_ want to.”

Ben’s head falls back against the bed as his body goes limp. Rey’s tongue had darted out to lick one soft, teasing stripe up the length of him.

Rey had wondered if she’d be turned off by the taste of his skin. It only fueled her actions. He tasted like heat and musk and skin and just... _Ben_.

She closed her mouth around the tip of him and let her tongue guide her down... as much as she could take, before moving back upwards and twirling her tongue around the tip, her lips closing together with a kiss.

“Jesus _fuck_, Rey,” Ben groans loudly, and she feels his thighs twitch underneath her. “_Baby_... holy shit.”

She looks up at him through her lashes.

_Tell me I’m good. Tell me I’m making you feel good._

“Is it okay?” She asks him.

“_Perfect_, baby, so... _fuck_,” his words trail off as she repeats the action, taking a little more of him than before. “Your mouth feels so perfect around my cock... it’s so good...”

_That’s_ what she wanted to hear.

The praises only spur her on even more, and soon she’s set a punishing pace, her saliva dripping down onto the new bedsheets she’d just put on her bed. She couldn’t bring herself to care at the moment.

“Rey, sweetheart, I can’t hold on much longer,” he grunts. “It’s too... _fuck_, it’s too good...”

“I want... you... to come, Ben,” she manages between passes of her mouth. “Pretty please?”

“Babe, shit—_fuck_!”

He starts to move, but she holds his legs down firmly with her arm while her other hand makes sure he’s held right where she wants him.

When he comes, his orgasm is only heightened by the fact that he’s _filling_ her mouth.

And she takes it all willingly, her mouth still lightly and slowly moving back and forth against the tip of him, his own come dripping from the sides of her mouth.

“Oh my _god_, baby, you’re perfect,” he’s barely able to breathe. He watches as she swallows and then trails her thumb against the sides of her cheek to get every last bit. The sight makes his cock twitch in protest. He wants to give her _more_, but his physiology was stopping that at the moment. “Rey... _fuck_. That was...”

“Okay?” She asks shyly, an embarrassed grin on her face.

“I love you _so_ fucking much,” he sits up, grabbing her face and kissing her, maybe a little too roughly. “You’re so fucking perfect.”

Rey didn’t mind the new sense of urgency.

He flipped them, something primal in him delighted at her answering squeal. He all but rips her remaining clothing from her body before his hands and mouth roam everywhere.

“_Ben_...” Rey gasps.

“I want you to come as hard as I just did,” he breathes, trailing kisses down her stomach as his fingers twirl her nipples between them. “So hard you _scream_ my name... so hard you _drip_, baby...”

Rey didn’t mind that itinerary.

He’s nowhere near as soft or gentle as he’d been before when his mouth makes its way between her legs. She gasps loudly, moaning his name and begging him to not stop.

While one hand still teased her breasts, the other traveled down to where his mouth was, one finger easily slipping inside.

“Fuck, Ben...”

“That’s the idea, honey,” Ben smirks, adding _another_ finger and slowly pushing back inside. “You like this? _Hmm_?”

_Jesus Christ_, he was in a mood.

Rey _loved_ it.

“Oh, _fuck_, Ben... _please_...” Rey’s hips start moving involuntarily. “I need...”

“I know, baby girl,” he coos. “I’ll help you come. You’re doing _so_ good for me. Can you take another?”

“Yes,” Rey moans, not even sure of the answer. Or the question. What was it again? “More...”

The third finger stretches Rey to the brim, and they both curse at the tightness.

“Rey, is it too—“

“_Don’t_ fucking stop,” Rey shakes her head, begging. “I’m... Ben...”

“Come, baby,” his mouth returns to her clit as his fingers curl up inside her, hitting _just_ the spot that’s making Rey keen. All of her muscles tighten to a vice, and Ben can feel her around his fingers. “Oh, fuck... that’s it, baby girl... let me feel you come.”

“Ben, Ben, Ben... oh, _fuck_! Ben!”

Rey turns to jelly, her hips still jerking with the aftershocks of her orgasm. She barely registers Ben pulling his fingers out of her, but she does register when his tongue starts literally lapping at her.

“Ben...”

“Sorry, baby,” he pauses. “Too sensitive? I was just cleaning you up.”

There’s part of her brain that’s telling her she should think it’s _absolutely_ gross and _totally_ abhorrent. She doesn’t listen to it because it feels _too_ good, and against the relative silence now, the sounds of his lips against her is just… _something_.

When he’s finished, he scoots back up to lay beside her, their naked bodies molding together like it’s second nature.

Rey can only think of one thing before she crashes from bliss and exhaustion...

She couldn’t _wait_ until Friday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting closer to the end! I think I've finally narrowed it down to fifteen chapters in total. There'll be one more after this, and then a two-part epilogue. 
> 
> Again, thank you guys so much for reading :)
> 
> twitter/tumblr: @kylouwu
> 
> \- kristen


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before the two-part epilogue. Will our two babies make it?
> 
> Spoiler: Yes. Happy endings are valid (*COUGH COUGH* JJ and Chris)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack, mild reference to sexual assault

Rey did the unthinkable Friday morning.

She met up with Rose and they went _shopping_.

One of the stores Rey led Rose towards was Victoria’s Secret.

For... lingerie.

Except Rey hadn’t let that slip when she didn’t fight Rose on walking into the store while they were in the mall. She hadn’t even denied Rose’s suggestion to get mani-pedis and get their hair done as a ‘girls date’ when she’d called on Wednesday.

Rose realized the implication immediately when Rey started slowly drifting toward the part of the store that didn’t sell pink polka-dotted, non-threatening pajama sets.

“Oh my god,” Rose raises her eyebrows. “You’re buying stuff for Ben.”

“I hardly think this stuff would be his style.”

“Rey, c’mon.”

“Okay, fine,” Rey sighs. “We may or may not have made the decision to... do _that_. Tonight.”

“You haven’t already?” Rose snorts.

“Well, not for a lack of trying... on my part.” Rey rolls her eyes.

“Down girl,” Rose laughs. “You know he’s probably done it because it’s in your best interest, right?”

“Yes, _Mother_,” Rey huffs, scanning through weird pieces of mesh and lace with she had no idea what to do with. “He wants me—us—to have time. Is it really that horrific your first time? _Real_ time, I mean... I know it’s technically not—“

“No. This _is_ your first time,” Rose shakes her head firmly. “If it’s not your choice, if something is taken from you, it doesn’t count. Speaking of which... are you worried about that?”

“Not as much as I used to be,” Rey sighs. “It was scarier when I had to imagine some faceless man. It was laughable to think I’d find someone I trusted and loved enough to... do that with. So I’d always assumed I’d panic and it would be impossible. But now that I have Ben, there’s no doubt in my mind he’ll be gentle and careful and patient... and I trust him enough to be completely myself with him. I won’t have to pretend to be some over-confident version of myself.”

“God, you two... you’re at a level of love that makes me want to barf,” Rose laughs. “I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about, Rey. And lingerie probably isn’t necessary.”

“Yeah... but it’s fun to watch him squirm.”

Rey would spend most of that afternoon waiting on Ben to get home from work. His hours were a little longer while his branch got totally on its feet, so he’d called to tell her he’d be half an hour later getting home.

He’d made her a key before he even moved all his things in.

That’s not what had stunned her then.

When she stayed at his place for the first time, she noticed he’d emptied one of the bedside tables, stocked up on her favorite drinks, bought a shit ton of her kryptonite (rainbow sour candy), and had cleared spaces in his closet for some of her things.

He’d even bought the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash she used to keep in his bathroom.

Because she couldn’t stand not being able to do anything for him monetarily, she’d decided she’d straighten up while she waited for him to get home. When she made it to the bedroom, she’d noticed he’d added a few more touches since she’d been here. He’d finally hung the curtains and he’d gotten rid of the last couple of boxes he’d been unpacking from.

And then there was his nightstand.

Rey and Ben didn’t have many photographs of the two of them. And the ones they did have were sketchy cell phone quality.

Still, there was the photo Rose had taken of the two of them asleep on the beach. He had it framed by his lamp. And there was another of just Rey, looking up over the campfire they’d made at the beach one night, roasting a marshmallow.

The sentiment brought tears to her eyes, but dammit, she was _not_ about to cry the evening she’d have sex with Ben for the first time.

She noticed one of his books had fallen from the end shelf of his nightstand so she moved to put it back. His TV remote had fallen, too, so she opens the drawer of the nightstand to put it away.

Her hand freezes when she sees it.

Well, _them_.

Condoms. Lots of them.

Well, like ten.

That was a lot in her mind.

And lube. Two bottles that looked different, though she wasn’t about to pick them up and examine them to find out how they differed.

“Rey?”

She nearly jumps out of her skin when she hears Ben arriving downstairs. She quickly puts the remote back on top of the nightstand and heads down the stairs.

“Hey,” she pants, flustered and red faced. She notices he has takeout bags in his hands. “Chipotle?”

“You’ve converted me.” He smirks.

As he kicks off his shoes, his eyes do a couple double-takes at her appearance.

“Your hair is different,” he notes. “Somehow.”

“Got a trim,” she shakes her head. “Met up with Rose this morning.”

He nods.

“Is, um... is all... _that_ new, too?” He gestures to her outfit with just a hint of a smirk on his face.

Rey had literally forgotten about the shit she had on.

There were more risqué numbers she’d bought, but out of cowardice and comfort she’d went with one of the tamer options.

It was a baby blue lace-trimmed silk camisole with matching shorts. Well, they were _called_ shorts. They barely covered her ass. The thong she had underneath the get-up was a matching shade of blue.

“Oh, um, yeah.” Rey’s cheeks heat.

The way he’s looking at her... it’s unnerving. She almost wished he’d stop. Or just go ahead and mount his attack.

“Are you hungry? Right now, I mean?” He asks, his face all seriousness.

She raises a confused eyebrow before looking at the bags still in his hands.

“I mean, I’m not starving,” she shakes her head. “Why?”

“I’d like to wait... to eat.”

Oh. _Oh_.

“Okay,” Rey breathes. “Um. Okay.”

“There’s a few things we need to discuss,” he takes the bags into the kitchen, and after a moment of mental gymnastics, Rey follows, waiting on him to continue. “I need to know that you still want this.”

“Uh, hello...” Rey snorts out of nervousness and pirouettes while gesturing to her outfit.

“I need to hear you say it.” His face softens.

Rey feels her heart begin to race.

“I want this,” Rey manages. “I want to... to have sex with you.”

“You have to promise me you’ll tell me if you’re uncomfortable or scared,” he shakes his head. “I mean, there’ll be nerves, regardless, but you shouldn’t be scared. If I hurt you, we stop. Promise me.”

“I promise, Ben,” Rey nods. She begins to worry that he’s the scared one. “I trust you.”

“A couple other things,” he clears his throat. “Keep in mind, I know what your likely answer will be, but I just want to make sure... condom?”

So _that’s_ why he had them up there.

“Uh, I don’t see why it’s necessary,” Rey shakes her head. “If you want—“

“I’m fine without,” he blurts. “If you are.”

“Okay.” Rey nods. “The last thing?”

He grips the marble countertop to an extent that Rey’s pretty sure it might crumble.

“When I... when it’s time for me to... it’ll be easier if I know in advance,” he breathes. “You can always change your mind, of course, but... where do you want me to... to come?”

Jesus.

Her answer had been set in stone for some time, but saying it aloud was a little more difficult.

“Um... I’d like... I’d like to feel it. Inside me, I mean.”

It’s silent for a moment and she wonders if she broke Ben.

“I’m going to make you come beforehand,” he says like it’s some clinical fact. “And then stretch you with my fingers. And in case we need it, I have, um... a couple bottles of—“

“I know,” Rey blurts. “I, um... I was straightening up a bit and your remote was on the floor and I went to put it away and I saw—“

“Rey,” he stops her. “It’s fine. Are you okay with, um, with using that if we need to?”

Rey nods.

She wasn’t sure just how prepared she needed to be, but if the current state of her arousal was any indication, neither bottle would be opened. He begins to saunter towards her.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

Before she can begin to walk in that direction, he lifts her and she wraps her legs around his waist as he carries her the staircase.

She assumes he’ll sit her down on his bed, but he lifts her up a bit higher to sit on the edge of his dresser. He turns and moves to the bed, where he grabs the blanket folded neatly at the end and drapes it across the entirety of the bed.

He turns back to her, pulling the ends of his button-up shirt from his pants.

“In case we’re, uh… messy.” He explains.

Her tension eases considerably when she feels his mouth on hers. His hands were noticeably absent from her as he unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, but the second he was finished, they’d began their exploration of her silk-covered body.

Her nipples pebble underneath the silk as his thumbs gently tease them.

“God, I love that you never wear a bra,” He moans, his lips moving down to her neck. “If you ever just feel like _not_ wearing any form of clothing while we’re alone, I won’t stop you. Just for future reference.”

“Noted,” Rey sighs breathlessly. She’d began fumbling with his belt and his pants before he reached up to pull off her camisole. “Same goes for you, by the way.”

“Sounds like a deal,” he smirks before leaning down to kiss her chest. “_Fuck_, Rey... I feel like I’ve waited forever for this.”

“I’ll remind you that I tried to get you to do this before,” She laughs. “And—_oh_, fuck, Ben...”

He’d moved one of his hands between her legs, sliding down easily against the silk.

When she tries to tilt her hips up against him, but can’t, he gets the hint and grabs her to move her to to bed.

The second she’s laying down, he pulls off her shorts and underwear in one swipe. In the next moment, he’s parting her with two fingers before pushing them deep inside. He lays lazy kisses along her cheek and jaw since she can’t exactly close her mouth at the moment.

He adds a third finger once he can feel her relaxing, and he has to fight the urge to let his head wander down between her legs for a taste. She’d need all of what his mouth wanted to take.

“I need you to come, baby,” Ben kisses her neck, letting his palm rub against her clit while he continues to fuck her with his fingers. “Can you do that for me?”

She wants to roll her eyes, but she’s a little busy at the moment.

Ben can tell she’s nearly there... that she needs a _little_ push.

“Come, baby,” he reiterates. “Come, and I promise I’ll give you my cock... I’ll fill you up, just like you want.”

He feels her body grip his fingers like a vice, then she mewls versions of his name while trapping his hand between her crossed thighs.

“Good girl,” he lays kisses all over her face while he leans up to open the drawer of his nightstand. He grabs one of the bottles and leans up onto his knees. “Are you ready, baby?”

She looks up through hazed eyes to see the bottle in his hand.

“Did I not get… um, wet enough?” She asks, frowning.

“You’re _soaked_, baby,” he immediately reassures her. “This is to put on me just to make sure I go in as easily as possible.”

Rey nods.

She watches as he coats himself in the liquid, his hand and his cock glistening. It’s _obscene_ and _filthy_ and... _hot_.

“You promise you’ll tell me if you want to stop?” He looks her in the eye.

“Promise,” she nods. “I want you, Ben. Please.”

He leans down and wipes his hand on part of the blanket they’re on before reaching up and grabbing a pillow. He instructs her to raise her hips as he places it under her ass.

When she feels him line up against her entrance, she nearly falls into a trance. She’s a little worried she’s dreaming.

And then he pushes in.

And it’s not horrible. It’s not _great_ at first, but it’s not _horrible_.

She’s confused at just how much bigger he feels than three of his gigantic fingers. It’s like he takes up all the room she has to give, and then he just takes _more_...

“B-Babe,” he croaks, stilling with his lips resting against her forehead. “Is... are you okay?”

He’s the one who sounds like he’s in pain.

“I’m fine,” she shakes her head. “It’s just... tight.”

“You’re fucking telling me,” he growls, his head bending down to kiss her shoulder. “I don’t... I don’t know if I’ll last. _Rey_, you feel amazing... you can’t be real. This can’t be real.”

He starts kissing her neck more fervently, letting a hand drift down to play with her breasts.

“You can... you can move.” She encourages him. “Just, um... slowly at first. It feels... different.”

“I can’t,” he croaks. “I... just give me a second, baby. I’m trying not to come.”

Oh.

_Oh_, was that hot.

Rey feels herself clench around him, her hips desperately grinding up against him without even consulting the decision-making section of her brain.

“Baby, Rey—_fuck_,” Ben immediately places his hand against her hips to still her. “Shit. You feel too good. _Too_ fucking good... Hold on for a second, baby.”

“Sorry,” Rey pants. “It’s just... I like it when you say things like that.”

She can feel him smirk against her neck, the hand on her hip moving under her to grip her ass. He very slowly pulls out and then gently pushes back in.

The air leaves Rey’s lungs and she sinks her fingernails into his back.

“Jesus _fuck_,” Ben hisses. “You’re so tight around my cock.”

As if on cue, Rey tightens around him again.

“Ben, please,” Rey begs, wrapping her legs around his thighs. “More...”

“Baby,” Ben kisses her neck. “I love you so much... you’re taking my cock so good. _So,_ so good.”

The filthier he got, the more Rey felt herself getting close... again. She didn’t think that was possible.

“I’m... Ben, I’m... tell me more.” She shamelessly begs him.

“Are you gonna come?” Ben looks down at her, incredulous.

He’d been so prepared for Rey to hurt or just barely be comfortable the entire time.

“As long as you don’t stop,” Rey huffs breathlessly, a trace of humor in her voice. “_Ben_...”

He’s stunned for a moment but he finally resumes his earlier movements, sliding in and out of her with ease.

“You feel perfect,” he manages, leaning the top of his body further against hers. He feels her nipples pebble against the skin of his chest and his brain short-circuits. “Fuck... I’m gonna fill you up with every drop of my come, baby... and then keep doing it every day... I’ll come deep in your pussy, I’ll come on your tits, on your ass... in your mouth. Whatever you want, baby... Please, let me feel you come on my cock. _Please_, baby.”

His hand snakes between them to play with her clit.

“_Shit_, Ben,” Rey’s legs become a vice around him. “_Please_...”

“Tell me what you need... slower, softer, faster?”

His head falls down over her shoulder and he can feel her whisper against the shell of his ear.

“Slow, like this, but… harder,” She answers. “I like when your body lays on mine...”

He obliges and places most of his weight into her small, soft body. His hips move in a rolling motion, snapping against hers with an obscenely wet sound.

He feels it before she says anything.

“_Ben_... I can’t... it’s... Ugh... I’m gonna...”

“_Come_, baby,” he whispers against her ear. “I’ve got you.”

She flutters around him like a heartbeat and both her arms and legs claw at him to bring him closer, closer, _closer_...

“Ben...”

He’d held off for so long, but he couldn’t hold it off any longer. He lets her come down for a moment before moving again.

“Rey... fuck. You did so good, baby girl. _So_ good.”

Rey was too out of it to notice for a moment but she eventually notices that his thrusts are a tad bit quicker and more shallow. And highly irregular.

“Ben, are you—“

“_Fuck_, yes,” He makes a noise that Rey doesn’t want to categorize as a whine, because it was insane to consider that Ben Solo could make a noise even close to a whine, but it’s pretty much a whine. “Rey... I love you. Fuck, I love you, I _love_ you... Baby...”

“I love you, Ben,” Rey’s breathing becomes labored as his thrusts become a little more intense than before. “Come. Give me all of it.”

His groans grow into a yell, and his body thrusts one final time before she feels it...

She can feel him twitch as hot wetness fills her. He collapses onto her, and as large as he is, she welcomes the weight. She kisses his shoulder as his hips finish twitching.

After a moment, he rouses from his near coma to roll their sweat-drenched bodies over so that she was laying on top of him. In the process, Rey feels him slip out of her.

Along with what feels like a gallon of miscellaneous liquids.

“Uh...” Rey squeaks, immediately wondering how she’s gonna move without making more of a mess.

“Hold on a sec,” Ben reaches for the box of tissues on his bedside table. “We were a little messy.”

“A _little_?” Rey flushes.

He gently wipes around her inner thighs and his own skin, getting the majority of the... _mess_ situated. She notices he doesn’t try to clean... well, _her_, and she wonders if he really does know more about her body than she does.

Prior to frantic research, she’d had _no_ idea of the maintenance that needed to occur afterwards.

Once he’s finished and he’s thrown away all of the tissues into the wastebasket by the bed, he pulls the clean half of the blanket they were laying on over the two of them.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how much I love you, Rey,” Ben whispers, his fingertips trailing back and forth across her spine. “I love you so much.”

Rey nuzzles in closer to his chest, pressing a kiss to the skin below her.

“I love you, Ben.”

* * *

Rey’s only slightly consciously aware that someone is nudging her shoulder. Part of her brain tells her that if she ignores it, maybe it’d go away.

It doesn’t.

It’s joined by a pair of lips on her temple.

“Baby... _Rey_.”

“No, ‘m sleep.”

As she comes to, she hears Ben softly chuckle and feels him move hair out of her eyes when she burrows further into her pillow.

“Babe, you’ve been asleep for sixteen hours.”

She stays perfectly still until that sinks in. Then she sits up in a flash.

Then, she winces.

There’s a dull, barely-there, but _annoyingly_ evident ache between her legs when she moves.

“You got home before five thirty yesterday,” she says. She slowly does the math in her head. “It’s ten a.m.?”

“Yeah,” he looks down for a moment before his eyes float back up to hers. “You were out like a light.”

It takes a second for his wandering eyes to register.

“I’m naked,” she blurts. Ben smirks. “Totally naked.”

“Yes,” his eyes fall again. “You fell asleep that way, remember?”

She flushes.

“Are you really sore?” He asks, and she would’ve thought he was still teasing but his tone was far too soft and when she looked up, his face showed his worry.

“It’s not bad,” Rey shakes her head. “It’s just... weird. Like my body’s a different shape or something.”

Ben just smirks, and Rey huffs before smacking his arm.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Ben tones down his grin, but it’s still clearly there. “I ran you a bath. What would you like for breakfast?”

Rey thinks for a moment.

“You’re not going to take a bath with me?”

She watches his jaw shift.

“There is nothing I’d love more, baby, but you’re sore,” he reiterates. “And I know for a fact there’s no way we could share the bath and it not turn into something _else_.”

He had a point.

“Okay... but, later?”

His smirk returns.

“If you’re feeling up to it.” He acquiesces, as if it’s some _huge_ inconvenience.

She figured there’d be some passionate, heated embrace the second she walked out into the kitchen, but her stomach grumbling immediately shot that idea to hell. She didn’t get to the Chipotle he’d brought home yesterday, so she was starving at this point.

And then after she eats the pancakes he’d prepared, she ends up strewn across his couch on her stomach with her head laying on her crossed arms while he insisted on cleaning the kitchen himself.

She’s somehow _still_ drowsy enough to dose off, only waking when she feels it.

And that’s when she’s pulled back. She’s pulled back to two years ago.

She feels hands near her hips and body heat behind her, and she just _panics_.

But she doesn’t say anything.

And Ben doesn’t notice, figuring she’s still half-asleep. Not until he catches the sight of a single tear.

“Rey, baby... hey, what’s wrong?” He bolts upward, moving to kneel beside her head.

It’s like she can’t even breathe. She can’t even speak. Literally. She’d been rendered _mute_.

She manages a shake of her head, her panic growing with her inability to speak.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I—Tell me what to do. Tell me how to help. Do you want me to—“

His hands begin to move toward her, but she shakes her head frantically. Her panic finally reaches its breaking point when she sounds out a loud sob. She nearly chokes on it from not being able to breathe properly. And she’s still immobile.

Ben watches in horror. He knows that looming over her and not shutting up would only make her panic attack worse. But just kneeling there, he felt helpless.

And it was all his fault.

Rey’s breathing evens out some time later and Ben jolts when she moves to sit up.

“This isn’t ever going to go away, is it?” Rey stares down at her hands, her voice rough and monotone.

“Rey—“

“_Don’t_,” she sighs. “You’ve told me it’ll get better so many times I can’t—“

She stops and shakes her head before continuing.

“Ben, this isn’t fair to you,” Rey feels her eyes sting. “You shouldn’t have to be scared to touch me. Fearful that I can explode over nothing. You should have the reassurance that if you ever wanted to start a family, that you’d have that option. You should be with someone who can be there for you when you have problems instead of just dragging you into their constant hell. I _can’t_ do that, Ben.”

Ben carefully takes one of Rey’s hands into both of his.

She almost expects him to break into his signature attempt to calm her but he doesn’t.

“Are you done?” He asks, and she’s _shocked_ to hear his tone turn a little sour.

She nods.

“Quit telling me what I deserve,” he huffs, shaking his head. His thumb still traces gently against the skin of her hand. “I knew what I signed up for with you. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew shit would hit the fan more times than not. But I also knew just how _strong_ you were. How resilient. I don’t know what kind of fucking rose-colored glasses you have on, baby, but I’m not this perfect person you keep alluding to. I have a past, too. And mine is all my fault. Unlike you, Rey, I was a _shitty_ kid. Not total shit, but enough. I slept around, I drank, I had the worst fucking attitude. I was inconsiderate. And I’m still selfish. _So_ fucking selfish. I wrestled with my feelings for you because I knew the truth, Rey. The person I was could’ve never deserved you. But I’d been trying to be better, and I’d convinced myself that maybe that would be enough to deserve you. I _still_ struggle. I worry every day that I’m stealing your youth. That I’m changing your decisions you should make for your own life. But I’m still here, and I can’t and won’t go anywhere. I can’t. I’m too in love with you. So, don’t tell me what I deserve. I know I don’t deserve you, because you’re too good for me. I don’t care if I have to remind you every second of every day. I will. If you have panic attacks ten times a day, I will be here with you for every single one to tell you how much I love you, because I don’t want anyone or anything else. I just want _you_. Just as you are.”

Rey feels silent tears fall down from her face as she nods.

Ben sighs.

“Are you okay?”

She nods again, knowing if she tried to speak, she’d just end up in tears again.

He stands, then leans over to kiss the top of her head.

The silence that follows in the hours afterwards feels suffocating. And they’re not even totally silent. Rey feels like they’re both on autopilot. Walking on eggshells. She understood what he said to her, but as much as she believed he loved her, she couldn’t quite feel she was enough. Even though his aggravation was slight, she couldn’t help but wonder when he’d finally have enough and change his mind.

And who would she have then?

No one knew her like Ben. No one understood her like he did.

She barely registered the sound of the bathroom door opening that night as she stood in front of the sink and stared down at her hands.

Ben hesitates for a moment before laying his hands on her bare shoulders and kneading his thumbs into her overly tense muscles.

“I almost kissed you.”

Rey wasn’t sure what she was expecting him to say, but that wasn’t it. She raises an eyebrow at him through the mirror.

“The day of your prom. When we were dancing,” he continues. “That’s when it really sank in that I loved you. Maybe more than I should’ve at that point.”

“I refused to admit it to myself until my seventeenth birthday,” Rey replies. “I saw you in your Jeep that morning and I just... I was so happy to see you. That was rare for me. And then _she_ showed up and she was all over you and I suddenly didn’t give a shit that I’d just been given a brand new vehicle. I didn’t care at all. And I had all these feelings I didn’t understand... that I’d never felt before.”

“Gwendolyn doesn’t understand the concept of personal space,” Ben chuckles. “I mean, you have no reason to worry, though. I only see you. Plus, she’s gay.”

Rey can’t help it. The tension of the day and her nerves and everything—she starts out laughing but it quickly turns to tears.

“Come here,” Ben turns her around and holds her tightly against his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“I am, too.” Rey burrows her head into Ben’s chest.

“Well. We can consider that out first fight, right? We got through it.”

“Let’s not do it again.”

“Agreed.” Ben snorts.

The kiss they share following their tears quickly escalates, fueled by longing and desire and comfort. Rey’s towel falls to the floor and she helps Ben remove his pajama pants as he carries her to the bed. Rey’s whimpering moans and her small hands pawing down his chest has Ben hard in a matter of seconds.

“Are you sure, Rey?”

Rey cants her hips toward him in response.

“_Please_, Ben.”

He positions himself at her entrance and slowly pushes forward.

“I love you...”

“Even when things are... _fuck_... when things are shitty?”

“Always.”

It’s not long before the both of them unravel and Ben brings Rey to his chest under the sheets.

“I love you, too, Ben. _Always_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bulk of the story has come to an end. I can't think everyone who's read enough. Seriously. The fact that anyone at all has read what I've written is insane to me. There'll be a two-part epilogue that spans a number of years before this thing comes to a complete end. And then, it'll be on to the next story :) Suggestions are welcomed!
> 
> \- kristen
> 
> twitter/tumblr: @kylouwu


	14. Epilogue, pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 'Honeymoon' stage commences for these lovebirds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 84 years... I know. I apologize. 
> 
> Endings aren't my favorite. When they're good, they're so good. But to me, when they miss the mark, it's the most obvious thing in the world. So, I'm trying to nail this one. 
> 
> Content Warning for this chapter: mentions of abortion, panic attacks, Rey's attack is referenced

The fact that this was a perfectly legal, perfectly normal proceeding within the American judicial system was absolutely abhorrent. How, when she’d been _humiliated_ and _mutilated_ and torn to shreds—not just the once but with every criminal proceeding since—she was now forced to relive that night.

Not only to relive it, but for its validity to be questioned.

For her _pain_ to be questioned.

And for the fault to be placed on _her_.

She’d been coached by her legal team purely in an attempt to keep her from being totally caught off guard by the horrors that would ensue.

She was still horrified.

“You had met the defendant’s brother prior to the night of the alleged incident, correct?”

_Alleged?_

“Is it true that there was alcohol present at the party where all of the attendants happened to be underage?”

Rey bites her tongue.

“Objection, your honor! Relevancy.”

At least Rey’s attorney seemed just as appalled as she was.

“It’s highly relevant to question the sobriety of anyone at the house, outside of which is where the alleged attack took place.”

“Overruled. Answer the question, Miss Kanata.”

Rey’s eyes water and her jaw tenses.

“I have no idea,” Her eyes roll despite her valiant efforts to keep an unaffected face. “If there was, I didn’t pay attention to it and I certainly had none of it. Every single cell in my body was exploited and examined, so I’m sure there’s a toxicology report you could reference _somewhere_ in all of that.”

“Objection, your honor.”

The weasel behind the desk of the defense team had the nerve to protest Rey’s outrage.

“I will remind miss Kanata to answer the question and refrain from any additional commentary.”

Rey’s outrage is slowly shifting to disbelief. This couldn’t be real. How was this _right_?

“I don’t know.” She mumbles, defeated.

Maybe she could resign herself to be essentially catatonic for the remainder of this hell. It was a last ditch effort that was quickly proven to be impossible when Ben’s name came up.

First, they’d reiterated—confirmed—that she had never been in a relationship prior to the assault.

Then, they asked about her current relationship.

“Are you not in a relationship with Mr. Solo now?”

“Yes.” Rey’s head shakes slightly, her eyebrow arched high on her forehead. She failed to see how this was in any way relevant.

All of this would taint her forever. There was no need to drag Ben into it, too.

“And is he not six years your senior?”

“He’s twenty-three and I’m eighteen.”

“And you’ve known him for how long?”

Rey huffs, and she swears she’s likely breathing fire at this point.

“He and his younger brother Finn were my next door neighbors. I’ve known the entire family since I was adopted when I was thirteen. Finn’s been my best friend since then.”

She vaguely notices Ben shift in his seat in the back of the courtroom. It seemed he was coming unglued, too.

“So, you could say that you’ve been close with him since you were just thirteen?”

“In the way that you’re cynically and _disgustingly_ implying, no,” Rey fumes. “Absolutely not.”

“So you two… what? Suddenly pursued a romantic relationship only after you turned eighteen? Isn’t it more probable—more likely—that you were close with him, an adult, when you were still a minor—“

“Objection! How is this even remotely relevant, your honor? The defense is _harassing_ my client.”

Rey had refused to look over at the blazingly orange piece of shit sitting by the defense, but her eyes blink across him in a single second. His face was smug and pretentious as he whispered to the lawyer sitting beside him. The face of the man that took her youth away. Took her innocence away. And he had the nerve to be smug.

She reverts to autopilot for the remainder of questioning for the day, and when she’s finally escaped the confines of the stuffy courtroom, she finds a very frantic Ben Solo pacing behind his mother.

She’d not seen him this _physically_ angry for years. It’s not that he’s violent… she wondered if it was actually a possibility for him to be, but he was highly vocal (and at times, profane) and highly mobile. Never towards her, of course. Rey watches as his poor mother ties to calm him and decides to intervene.

“Ben?”

His head snaps around to meet her, and once she’s in his sight, she watches as the tension leaves his body in what seems to be a wave of defeat. His shoulders slump and he lets out a deep breath once she’s in his arms.

“Are you okay?”

Ben scoffs sardonically.

“I should be asking you that,” he sighs. “Rey… _Jesus_, that was fucked up. How the hell did that judge allow the objections to slide? They can’t harass you like that. You were… what that piece of shit did to you, and now he gets to watch you get fucked over by our fucking legal system. I swear to god if I ever get my hands on that motherfu—“

“Ben,” Rey squeezes him a little tighter. “It’s okay. I’m angry, too. But, I… we have to be better than them.”

“I can’t stand what he did to you,” Ben’s voice finally breaks, and it sobers Rey. “And what they’re doing to you now… what they’re _allowed_ to do to you now… I can’t—“

“Listen,” Rey takes a deep breath. “I won’t lie, it’s shitty. I’ll probably just cry when I get home, but I don’t really want to think about it anymore at the moment. The only reason I didn’t lose it in there is because I could look back at you.”

Ben sighs and leans down to kiss the top of her head.

“I’m sorry. Let’s go get something to eat, yeah?”

Rey smirks.

“Could that something to eat possibly be Emilio’s?” She grins mischievously.

Ben can’t help but laugh.

“Whatever you want, baby.”

Though it was definitely going to take more than shitty (in Ben’s culinary opinion) Italian food to help Rey get over this trial, Ben vowed he’d eat sub-par carbonara for the rest of his life if it helped in even the slightest. 

* * *

Rey _hated_ alarm clocks.

Alarms were shitty enough to begin with. Who in their right mind would like a sound that abruptly and surprisingly signaled the fact that they weren’t allowed to sleep anymore?

They were even worse while the trial had been going on.

Even in the weeks after, Rey found herself in a panic upon waking up until she realized it was over.

Despite the defense’s valiant efforts to make the piece of shit look like anything but, he would end up rotting in jail for the remainder of his pathetic existence.

The panic returned, however, when she remembered what this day had in store.

Her last two final grades would be posted in fifteen minutes. She had a 4.0 so far with her three other courses’ grades already finalized, but she was on the fence about her grades for Anatomy and English Lit.

And of course, they had been postponed until today. Christmas. Because there’s nothing anyone could want more than a tall dose of anxiety during the holidays.

Ben’s soundly sleeping body was all but forgotten in a rumpled mess of covers when Rey jumped up, grabbed her laptop bag, and ran downstairs. She just manages to log on to the school’s server when Ben makes it downstairs and plants a quick kiss on Rey’s temple.

“Merry Christmas, babe.”

“Merry Christmas,” Rey offers a quick smile as her eyes return to her screen. The wi-fi in the cabin could never in a million years be considered high-speed. “Come on… _Jesus_.”

“Last ones?” Ben asks, putting on a pot of coffee before sitting down beside her.

Rey nods anxiously as she stares at the ‘Final Term Grades’ link while refusing to click on it.

“Rey,” Ben chuckles. “What matters is that you did so well your first semester. You studied… you didn’t miss a single class. It doesn’t matter if you make an ‘A’ or a ‘B’. I’m proud of you regardless. You should be, too.”

“Okay, Mr. Summa Cum Laude.” Rey flattens her mouth and rolls her eyes.

There’s a hint of a smirk on Ben’s face before he rolls his eyes and scoots the laptop towards him, clicking the link for her.

He gives nothing away for way too long. Rey huffs in annoyance.

“Well?” She demands.

“Huh… This can’t be right. It says you got a ‘D’ in—“

“What?!”

Rey spins the laptop around and her eyes are frantic until she sees the list of all five of her classes, all with a shining ‘A’ listed beside of them. Her heart returns to her chest after falling into her stomach.

“You… _ass_!” Rey smacks the side of Ben’s arm.

“See? What’d I tell you? I told you… you’re a genius.” Ben grins.

Rey narrows her eyes.

“You thought telling me I basically failed would be a good idea? _Seriously_, Ben? A ‘D’?”

“Well… It could still be true,” He wiggles his eyebrows. “It’s actually highly probable that you’ll get a ‘D’ later.”

She doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of laughing at such a crude, horrible joke, but she can’t help it.

“You’re such an idiot, Ben Solo.”

“I’m insulted, truly,” Ben scoffs playfully, placing his hand over his chest before grinning evilly down at her. He quickly scoops her up and throws her over his shoulder. “I may just go throw you in the snow for that.”

“Ben!”

He has her casually held with one arm while the other sips on a cup of coffee.

“I’m _so_ sorry. I can’t process any requests until I’ve finished my coffee.”

Ben sits said coffee cup onto the kitchen counter before letting his fingers trace against the skin of Rey’s exposed side.

“Ben, I swear to god I _will_ pee.”

“We’ve discussed this, sweetheart,” Ben says coolly. “Kink.”

She smacks the part of his arm she can reach, but he continues to tickle her. It’s impossible for her to contain her squeals.

“It is _too_ early for this level of commotion,” Leia’s voice sounds out from outside the kitchen, echoing in the cabin. Rey’s able to get a glimpse of her before Ben turns around and effectively shuts Rey out of the conversation. “Benjamin…”

“Morning, mother,” Ben replies nonchalantly. “I made a pot of coffee.”

“Ben, I know for a fact your mother has a taser with her,” Rey threatens him. “If you don’t put me down, I’m sure she won’t mind loaning it to me.”

“It’s no bother as long as I get it back.” Leia grins.

“From the mouth of my own mother,” Ben sighs. He turns his head to place a quick kiss to the skin on Rey’s exposed side before letting her down. “You’re the one who called me an idiot, baby.”

Rey flushes. She’s still a little shy with the PDA around their families, even though Ben is unwaveringly affectionate.

“Yes… Well. You _were_ being an idiot.”

Ben just rolls his eyes before turning his head to his mother.

“Rey got the last of her final grades,” He grins. “She has a 4.0 for the semester.”

“Of course she does! Congratulations, honey,” Leia walks over to hug Rey. “It shouldn’t be a shock to anyone. We all know how smart you are. I’m proud of you, regardless.”

“Thanks, Leia.”

Their yearly ritual of having a late brunch before dinner and presents was something Rey had always looked forward to. But this year, she couldn’t help but be a just a little happier than usual. She had her family _and_ she had Ben. And things weren’t horribly awkward. She could sit on Ben’s knee when the living room was crowded without anyone noticing. If he leaned down to give her a kiss before walking out of the room, no one made a fuss.

Unless Finn wanted to tease Rey. Which was common. She could tolerate his teasing. It was never malicious.

After everyone had finished dinner, they’d began the annual gift exchange while they all sat in the living room around the fireplace.

Rey was in hell.

_Literal_ hell. Not figurative.

Finn had gotten her a new skiing jacket, and Poe had gifted her the matching hat, gloves, and scarf. Of course, she’d immediately put it on and then gotten sidetracked by Ben’s gifts.

She’d made him promise to not go overboard, so he promised her there were only two gifts.

He’d found ways to make her wish she’d made more rules.

She couldn’t fully blame him for the new laptop. Hers was on its last legs, needing to be attached to the charger at all times in order to function and having a very sticky ’_s_’ key that never wanted to work properly. The one he’d gotten her was much nicer than any she’d ever buy for herself, of course.

If Ben Solo was anything, he was over the top when it came to her.

The bracelet, while definitely just as expensive as the laptop, was something Rey couldn’t be mad about, either. There was an engraving on the tiny gold bar of the chain, and she tried to make it out in the low light as Ben put it around her wrist.

“What’s it say?”

“It has the date and the coordinates of when and where I told you I loved you for the first time on it… Do you like it?”

“Of course I do,” She laughs, laying her head against his chest. “Thank you. I love you. All I got you was a new watch.”

“You got me the other… _stuff_,” Ben smirks. “The stuff you can’t give me in front of our families.”

Rey flushes.

“Shut up.”

She’d gotten him another _gift_… consisting of an array of incriminating polaroids that Ben was forced to keep hidden and items of ‘clothing’ that were _definitely_ not for him.

Not that he minded. At all.

“You’re like a furnace,” He changes the subject, and Rey glances around the room to see everyone else preoccupied. “Wanna walk outside for a second?”

She eagerly obliges, desperate for cool air.

Once she’s through the patio doors, she sees them.

Lanterns. _Tons_ of lanterns lining the perimeter of the patio, overlooking the dark, snowy mountains.

“_Ben_. We agreed. Two gifts.”

She’s nearly in tears, though she tries to laugh it off. The sight was beautiful.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ben smiles. “C’mere.”

Ben pulls her over to the railing and Rey wraps her arms around his waist and lays her head against his chest.

“Rey,” Ben begins, and she hears him swallow. “I love you. I can’t adequately put into words how _much_ I love you. I feel like... like I’m in a dream. All the time. You’re so _strong_. Resilient. You’re smart, so much smarter than me, and yet for some reason you stick around, so..”

Rey feels tears in her eyes as they both laugh.

“I could’ve never in my wildest dreams come up with someone as perfect as you are. Rey... you’re _so_ beautiful. Your compassion, humility... your kindness and disregard for your own well-being for the sake of others makes you even more so. You are the _sweetest_ thing I’ve ever known, and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I want to be with you forever.”

She’s silently sobbing when he lets her go and lowers to one knee, pulling out a small black box, flipping open the lid.

“Rey Kanata, I love you. Will you marry me?”

Although she’s completely floored, she manages to choke out some form of a ‘yes’ before launching herself at him, burrowing into his chest as his arms wrap tightly around her.

Her head pulls back and he immediately kisses her with no reservations. Rey’s not sure how long his mouth stays on hers, but at some point they break away and Ben gently removes her left glove.

As he slides the ring onto her finger, she feels her teary eyes bulge out of her skull.

“Holy fuck,” she feels the air leave her lungs. “Ben... holy _fuck_.”

“Is it... do you like it? I knew you wouldn’t like anything flashy, so I figured the simpler the better... it’s my grandmother’s wedding ring band. Dad had used the diamond in mom’s ring... it originally had an oval shaped diamond in it, but I thought I’d do something different—“

“It’s... _Ben_.”

It was _stunning_. Absolutely breathtaking. She wasn’t sure what it was called because she wasn’t exactly an expert on these things, but it was one of those rectangular diamonds that had a geometrically linear cut. It sat on a tiny gold band, which only served to make the ring look even bigger than it was... and it was huge on her small hand.

_Gigantic_.

A fitting metaphor for Ben’s presence in her life.

She brings her hands up to Ben’s face before pulling him down for another kiss.

“I love you.” She whispers.

She couldn’t believe _he_ was the one who thought he was dreaming. If anyone was dreaming, it was her.

“I love you more.”

“Impossible,” Rey’s thumb traces against Ben’s cheek, and she watches how the light of the lanterns flickers in both her ring and Ben’s eyes. She wasn’t sure which was brighter, but her money was on his eyes. “I love you, Ben. So much.”

“I love you, too, fiancé.”

_Fiancé_. She could get used to that.

* * *

For New Year’s, Rey is reunited with Rose (and Lane), Finn, Poe, Kay, and Jess. She wished Kira could’ve come along with everyone, but she was in Japan visiting her extended family with Mitaka.

She still couldn’t wrap her head around _that._

There was apparently someone for everyone.

Kay and Jess had originally invited everyone to their sorority house at UPenn, but Ben had not so subtly suggested that the drive home might be a little difficult with the snowstorm that was supposed to hit late on New Year’s Day.

So, everyone was staying in Virginia with Rey and Ben.

She’d started slipping up during the planning, referring to Ben’s place as ‘our house’.

It wasn’t a far stretch. Rey was there more than she was in her own apartment, and arguably had more of her things there, as well.

Of course, when they all arrive, it’s all squeals and hushed profanity in the name of awe and surprise. Rey only barely had a boyfriend the last time they’d all been together. Now, she had a fiancé. And a rock on her left hand to prove it.

“It’s a fucking _boulder_,” Kay blurts. “You’re gonna get carpal tunnel from carrying that thing around on your hand.”

“It’s not _that_ crazy,” Rey tries to defend herself. “The band belonged to Luke and Leia’s mom. The diamond that was in it is in Leia’s ring, but it was an oval, I think. Ben thought I’d like something simpler…”

“I’d hate to see what he would’ve gotten if he thought you’d have liked something more extravagant,” Jess snickers. “I mean, it’s unlikely he had to compensate for anything. _Look_ at him.”

Rey narrows her eyes.

“He’s taken, Jess.”

“We know, Rey,” Jess laughs. “We just strive for what you have. A big bank account and an even bigger di—“

“Okay, if you don’t steer the conversation away from my fiancé’s genitals, Jess, I’m going to throw you out in the snow.” Rey flushes as she laughs. 

Ben wouldn’t be home until everyone was fast asleep. He had an international conference call that would start at 12:30 a.m. and put him getting home a couple of hours later around 2:30. He’d been at his office all day reigning in the madness of everyone rushing to get everything in order for the call.

He sulked for a week once he learned he’d miss giving her a New Year’s kiss.

Rey was more upset at the fact that _he_ was upset. She didn’t really care about a silly tradition. It meant more to her that he wanted to be with her.

After she gets Rose, Lane, Finn, and Poe settled into the guest rooms for the night, she climbs into bed and stares at the clock, waiting to hear the garage door opening. She doesn’t even give him the chance to make it in the door before she runs downstairs and meets him.

“Hey, baby—“

Rey cuts him off with a kiss before pulling away.

“I missed you,” She admits. “How was the call?”

He rolls his eyes.

“Fucking unnecessary,” He flattens his lips. “I wish I could’ve been here with you. Did you have fun?”

“It was great seeing everyone,” Rey smiles. “They’re all asleep in the guest rooms….

Well, Rose, Lane, Finn, and Poe are. Kay and Jess ended up haphazardly strewn all over the couch downstairs.”

Ben chuckles as he removes his jacket and loosens his tie before pulling it off.

“I’m assuming they brought alcohol, then?”

“Kay had Lane stop and buy some,” Rey nods. “I didn’t get brave enough to try anything other than a sip of Rose’s cheap champagne. It was horrific.”

“I told you, it’s okay if you would’ve drank something,” He reminds her. “God knows I was stealing shit from Han’s liquor cabinet at sixteen. I was just worried they might talk you into going a little crazy with it. I don’t want you to have any… panic resurface or anything, you know?”

“I know,” Rey wraps her arms around Ben after he’s kicked off his shoes and sat his work bag on the kitchen counter. “I’m just glad you’re home. Sleepy?”

“Almost,” his voice breaks into a whisper before he kisses the top of her head. “Let’s go to bed.”

If there was something Rey had learned about Ben in the six months they’d been together, it was his intonation.

He _definitely_ hadn’t been referring to sleep.

If she’d ever doubted that conclusion, all doubt flew out the window when he started placing kisses down her stomach, multitasking as he unbuttoned his shirt and pants. He’d still been working on removing his underwear when he started kissing the inside of her thigh.

When he nuzzles his nose against the damp center of her baby blue underwear, her fingers clutch at the sheets.

“Ben…”

“I know, baby.”

He hooks his fingers into each side of her underwear before pulling them off. He licks her once before raising his head to glance at her.

“I look forward to tasting you—_here_—all year long,” He tells her with a smirk. “You taste so good, Rey.”

She thought that maybe with time she’d be able to hold herself together a little while longer when his head was between her legs.

She was wrong.

She comes—harsh and quick—and the air leaves her lungs in a gasp before he leans up to fill her mouth with his tongue.

“Do… do you want me to…” she lazily gestures down between his legs.

“No, I wanna be inside—_you—_fuck, Rey…” He pushes inside in one smooth stroke.

The feeling never faded. Having him inside her was still the single most beautiful and overwhelming experience she’d ever had.

“I love you, Ben.”

“I love you,” He pants, lowering himself closer to her body to kiss her temple. “You feel _so_ fucking good, baby…”

When she falls over the edge again, she claws at his back, begging him without words before he lays his chest directly on top of her, letting some of his weight press her further into the bed.

“Goddamn, baby…” He grunts, his hips still rocking in and out of her, his pace quickening.

“Come inside me, Ben… _Please_…” Rey breathes, dazed.

“Fuck, Rey…”

He continues thrusting just a minute more before his mouth covers hers and he spills himself inside her. Once he slips out and they both clean up they mess they’d made, he pulls her back onto his chest.

His fingers trail back and forth over her spine as she listens to his heartbeat slowing back down.

She wasn’t sure which was better… the sex or the lazy bliss prior to falling asleep that occurred afterwards.

“I can’t wait to marry you,” He whispers. “Happy New Year, Rey. I love you.”

“I love you, Ben.”

* * *

Rey’s sophomore year goes a lot like her freshman year. Her courses are a little more intensive, but she’s more used to the routine and feels a little more comfortable around the psychology department staff. Ben was even worried her criminal psychology professor liked her a little _too _well.

Rey found the situation hilarious considering Dr. Michaels frequently brought his husband to department events.

She finally gave in and told Ben when he’d broken the kitchen faucet after gripping it a little _too_ tightly as she told him about the email her professor had sent her about wanting her to participate in a research seminar in DC with him.

It’s also during her sophomore year when Rey attends her first party.

‘Party’ was a loose interpretation of the small gathering of ten or fifteen academics where there was no beer or cheap liquor involved. There was wine, however.

That’s when Rey discovers she _really_ likes wine.

It’s also when Ben discovers Rey is _really _handsy—and mouthy—when she drinks wine.

He barely gets the car in park after going to pick her up before his fly is open, her head is in his lap, and her lips are wrapped around him.

There’s an _almost_ guilty sense of testosterone-fueled pride when he catches the gleam of the diamond ring on the small hand wrapped around the base of his cock.

He’s never more glad that he doesn’t have close neighbors and that he has a garage than when Rey moans loudly as she lowers herself onto him in the driver’s seat.

He’s also never more glad that he has leather seats when he sees the mess they’ve both made.

Rey wakes up the next morning in a daze. Pink floods her cheeks when bits and pieces of the night before creep back in to her mind.

“Advil and orange juice,” Ben walks into the bedroom and sits down beside her. “How are you feeling?”

“Good… relatively,” Rey flushes, taking the two pills and downing the orange juice. “Was it that bad?”

“Bad? I thoroughly enjoyed myself,” Ben smirks, earning a noncommittal smack from Rey. “After your finals are over, I will buy you some more wine. Whatever kind it is you drunk last night.”

He keeps his promise, too. And after finals, before Rey heads home to visit her parents for a few weeks, Rose, Finn, and Poe all come over to visit.

It’s concerning when a normally chipper Rose is calm and subdued the entire weekend.

Rey asks Finn and Poe if they know what’s up, but they both seem as in the dark as she is.

“We asked her on the drive here,” Poe sighs. “She’s not acting like herself. But, she swears she’s fine. Just tired from finals.”

“Is everything okay with Lane?”

Finn and Poe exchange glances again.

“That’s what we thought,” Finn draws his mouth into a line. “But, she was really adamant about her relationship being okay. I told her we were only worried about her.”

“Maybe she’d open up to you?” Poe asks.

Rey nods.

That evening, she talks Rose into sitting outside on the back porch with her. Ben had caught on to Rey’s concern and asked his brother and Poe to join him for some sports game Rey had no intention of pretending to be interested in.

“I know it’s a little early to talk wedding planning,” Rey begins, deciding not diving in to Rose’s own issues immediately was probably the best idea. “And I had considered it a forgone conclusion, but I was hoping you’d be my maid of honor.”

For the first time during the visit, Rey sees a flash of a genuine smile on Rose’s face.

“Definitely a forgone conclusion,” Rose’s smile fades a little, but stays put. “Of course I will. I can’t believe you’re getting married. I can’t believe we’re _old_ enough for you to be getting married.”

Rey laughs before a silence falls. She debates for a moment on _how_ to talk to Rose.

“Remember when you told me I could talk to you about anything?” Rey asks quietly. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that. With everything that happened… It made me feel isolated sometimes.”

Rose’s smile falls and her eyes stay fixed to the ground.

“I’m here anytime.”

“So am I, Rose,” Rey places her hand over Rose’s forearm. “I think it’s about time I pay you back for everything you did for me. I can tell something is up, but I don’t want to force you to talk about anything you’re uncomfortable with. I do think it might help you, though. Maybe.”

When Rose finally does move from staring down at the ground, Rey sees trails of tears falling from her eyes.

“I didn’t want to… I thought it would be selfish to talk to you about it. And Poe and Finn… I love them and I know they care, but they’re guys and it’s different and—“

“What’s different?” Rey shakes her head.

“I got sick right before spring break,” Rose sighs, wiping at her eyes as tears continue to escape. “Put off going to a doctor until my last class the Thursday before… I didn’t know what was wrong. Everything else was normal with me. With the birth control I’m on… I mean, I never have an actual period.”

Rey’s heart sinks.

“Lane took me to the doctor that evening. That’s when we found out I was pregnant,” Rose knits her fingers together nervously. “I just… we’re both in college and we’ll have student loan debt for years and… I couldn’t do it. Rey, I felt horrible. I knew what you went through just to be told you’d never have the choice to have a child on your own terms, and I… I was afraid to tell you. To tell anyone.”

Rey pulls Rose over to her, leaning her chin on the top of Rose’s head.

“Nothing that happened to me is your fault or your responsibility,” Rey breathes. “I could never think ill of you for doing something in your best interest. I love you, Rose, and I’m so, _so_ sorry you had to go through that. Believe me, I know how horrible it is. I hate that you felt you couldn’t tell me. You can always tell me anything. I’ve been through enough shit that nothing will bother me at this point. If you ever commit murder, just call me and I’ll show up with a shovel and bleach.”

Rose laughs through her tears, wiping her eyes with her jacket sleeves.

“You’re too wise to not even be twenty yet,” Rose snorts. “You know… you always used to tell me that you were lucky to have Ben. That he was an anchor for you. I know he’s immeasurably good to you, but I’ve gotta tell you, Rey… I think you’re your own anchor. Sometimes you might need a little reminding about how strong you are, but look at what all you’ve risen above. Maybe an anchor isn’t the right… a life raft. That’s more like it. A life raft that’s been put through the shittiest of hurricanes, tsunamis… and you’re still here. Just floatin’ along.”

“There might be some duct tape patches here and there…” Rey adds with a snort from Rose.

“But the point is—you’re still floating.”

Rey nudges Rose’s shoulder with her own, smiling.

“We _both_ are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading :) It always blows my mind that anything I create gets even a crumb of attention. I appreciate you all :)
> 
> It shouldn't be long before I have the final chapter up. Endings have always been notoriously difficult for me to write because it's a careful balancing act, so I'm trying to get the ending for this story as right as I can. 
> 
> \- kristen
> 
> tumblr/twitter: @kylouwu


	15. Epilogue, pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No harsh warnings for this final chapter since it's stupidly sweet, but do mind the tags!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. I can't believe I've finally finished this story. Prepare for tears.

“Ben, I promise, I’m fine,” Rey is nearly borderline exasperated at this point. “You need to quit worrying so much.”

“I’ll always be worried about you, baby. Now, for the love of all that is holy, _please_ put some clothes on. I’m doing this for you, Rey…”

It could _barely_ be considered actual surgery.

Compared to what she’d felt before she had it done, she would go under the knife a million times more.

After her periods spontaneously became much heavier and a hell of a lot more painful, Rey’s doctor had suggested that a laparoscopic surgery might be the best treatment. She likely still had a lot of scar tissue that had built up and was causing her pain. This would not only give her doctor a more clear picture of what was going on in Rey’s body, but it would also give her doctor the opportunity to do some correcting.

It worked like a dream. There was mild pain and nausea after she woke up three hours later, but other than that, Rey was perfectly fine.

If you asked _Ben_, however, she’d been on her death bed.

He’d protested her insistence on going back to classes the week after the surgery, but she wasn’t about to let him get her behind during her last semester of college. She’d scheduled the surgery for the Friday before her spring break so she’d have plenty of time to recuperate. She barely needed it. A few days later, she felt totally back to normal.

A week later, she was at her wits’ end.

She hadn’t even bothered getting dressed after her shower, deciding to waltz right into Ben’s office and not take another ‘no’ for an answer.

It didn’t start off so well.

“Ben, this is ridiculous. I would tell you if I wasn’t fine! Don’t we trust each other by now? We’ve been together nearly four years. We’re getting married in a few months. Are you planning on remaining celibate for our honeymoon, too?”

“Rey…”

“Ben, _please_…” Rey’s voice is barely hanging on to any sense of composure. “I’m not as fragile as you think I am. It’s been nearly six years since it happened. Hell, forget me… we both know _you_ would know even before I would if something hurt me. You know me better than I know myself. You know I’m not gonna get hurt. But I _am_ gonna go crazy if you don’t touch me, Ben.”

She wedges herself between him and his desk, sitting on the edge. He continues to wordlessly stare at her, and she can just see the gears turning in his brain. The hint of a smirk just _barely_ plays on his face before he sighs.

“You don’t think you’re up to the task yourself?”

She debates on smacking him, but she decides to change tactics.

“I could,” Rey pouts. “But you do it so much _better_.”

Ben’s eyebrows raise momentarily before a lazy smile spreads on his face and he leans in to kiss her stomach.

“You could talk a billionaire out of every last cent he owned.”

“You’re acting like I’ve convinced you to commit murder,” Rey snorts as he lifts her from the edge of the desk, carrying her out of his office. “When it’s really just sex with your soon-to-be _wife_.”

A sweet smile blooms onto Ben’s face.

“My _wife_,” he repeats. “Three more months and you’re all mine.”

“I already am,” Rey reminds him. “Now, take me to bed and fuck me or I’ll pre-divorce you.”

Ben frowns before playfully smacking her ass. But Rey just squeals in laughter the entire way to their bedroom.

* * *

_Breathe, breathe, breathe. Just breathe._

Rey was on hour number three of hyperventilating.

She’d been so _elated_ before today. Marrying Ben Solo was a dream come true. She’d never want anything but him, and she considered herself the luckiest person in the world that he wanted to be with her, too.

A _wedding_, though…

She hadn’t known just what all weddings entailed. The planning started two _years_ ago. That’s when she had to decide on the venue and the photographer, and then all of the more menial tasks followed suit.

There were arrangements for a caterer, the DJ, the seating rentals, the floral arrangements… she even had to pick out custom napkins.

_Napkins_.

All while she completed her senior year of college.

She was lucky that Kaydel was dating a jack-of-all-trades business major.

Jannah had volunteered to help Rey and Ben out with the wedding planning. She’d arranged everything as if it was no trouble at all. She fixed the seating arrangements for the reception, hired a crew for setup for both the ceremony and reception, scheduled Rey’s dress fittings, booked stylists for hair and makeup, and had even handled helping friends and family who had to travel secure their hotel rooms.

All Rey had to do was show up and ‘look pretty’.

It wasn’t that she was unhappy or anything… it was just totally out of the ordinary for her.

The smooth, crisp white satin that clung to her body was definitely something she wasn’t used to. Neither was the bronzer or the mascara or the deep red lipstick on her lips.

She was so nervous that she was afraid she’d be sick.

“You’re alright, kiddo,” Chewie laces his arm with hers as they wait for their cue. The sound of the string quartet does little to calm Rey’s frantic heartbeat. “You can always make a run for it.”

Rey laughs loudly, which only brings tears to her eyes.

“I love you, Dad.”

Rey takes a deep breath and feels Chewie lean down to kiss the top of her head.

“Love you more, sweet pea.”

Rey can’t even properly take in just how beautiful her surroundings are in the moment. Her eyes immediately find Ben’s and stay attached until she’s letting him take her hands from her father. Ben looks at Rey and it’s like he’s seeing the world in color for the first time.

She feels Chewie lean in to kiss her cheek, and it tears her away from Ben long enough for her to hug him.

Rey nearly jumps when she hears her name. She’d not really been paying much attention to the officiant.

“Rey Kanata, do you take this man to be you lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

Ben’s eyes are brighter than any star in any solar system. Brighter than the sun. A couple of rogue tears fall down his cheeks.

“Benjamin Solo, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Rey feels Ben’s hands tighten around hers, his thumbs tracing the back of her hands.

“I do.”

An exuberant voice starts celebrating in Rey’s mind.

_He’s my husband, now._

Rey’s nearly caught off guard by Ben’s kiss. He holds her close and doesn’t let go before lifting her off the ground and spinning her around.

A lively procession and a million photos later, and Rey hears the words she’d been dying to hear since the moment she fell in love with him.

“Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Solo!”

Ben sweeps Rey off to the dance floor, and when she hears the song that begins playing, a fresh wave of tears threatens her eyes.

“Ben…”

“Figured you’d remember.” He smiles, leaning in for what has to be the millionth kiss since saying ‘I do’.

The song that was playing was the song that had played from the speakers of Rey’s old decrepit iPhone four years prior at the beach. It was the night before they were set to return home… the night before they were set to change both of their lives. Ben had drug Rey out to the warm sand and danced with her under the moonlit sky to try and calm her.

Anxiousness, fear, and trepidation had been in the back of Rey’s mind when they danced to it the first time. She didn’t want to lose the best thing that ever happened to her.

Now, she was dancing with him again, and they were _married_.

Her name was now Rey _Solo, _and she was dancing with her husband to ‘Landslide’.

To anyone else, it wasn’t exactly a love song.

Not in the general sense.

But it was a love song to Rey.

From _herself_.

_To_ herself.

A love song that Ben recognized was all about the highs and lows Rey had experienced so far in her life, the storms she’d likely weather beside him, and the love she’d strive to have for herself no matter what happened in the future.

It didn’t matter what life had in store for the two of them. Eventually, the inevitable would occur. They’d both grow old and their bodies would return to the earth.

_Ashes to ashes…_

_Dust to dust._

And that was fine.

But for whatever time this world gave her, Rey would be happy—_more_ than happy—with the life she’d been given.

She’d managed to love the woman she had grown into, and she’d gotten the chance to love the man that loved her just as much as she loved him.

Ben lifts Rey’s bare feet off of the dance floor and sits them on his, so she can follow his footsteps.

“Feels like I’m floating.” Rey whispers against his chest, nuzzling even closer.

Ben leans his cheek against the top of her head just as Stevie Nicks sings metaphors about sailing through changing ocean tides and handling the seasons of her life.

“I’ll always be your life raft,” he reminds her. “I mean, you’re doing great on your own, but in case your arms ever get tired… You can float on me any time you want, Mrs. Solo.”

Rey just smiles and nods, and they both finish out the song with a kiss.

* * *

“It’s so _beautiful_ here,” Rey’s neck cranes out of the taxi that was taking her and Ben to their destination. “This is incredible.”

Ben had insisted on the honeymoon destination being a surprise.

Rey was hesitant about the decision at first, but now…

He could plan their vacations any time.

Malindi was breathtaking. The coast of Kenya was a fairly humid location, but with the seasons being different from what Ben and Rey were used to in July in the northern hemisphere, it wasn’t as stifling as Rey would’ve imagined.

It was the slow season for the southern hemisphere, so Ben and Rey nearly had the entire villa to themselves.

That was fine with them.

_Especially_ with Ben.

Rey had managed to drink enough wine to make her resistant to wearing clothes in general. She didn’t put on more than a bikini or a robe for the entire first week.

Not to mention, there were the questionable places they’d decided to consummate their marriage…

Again and again.

And _again_.

By week two, however, Rey was forced to clothe herself when they had to make a trip to the local clinic. As she suspected, the changing climate and her own arguably faulty immune system had made way for an annoying sinus infection.

The doctors gave her antibiotics and antihistamines without any preamble, and Rey was back to normal in time to enjoy the last few days of their honeymoon.

After dinner on one of the last evenings in Malindi, Rey had carefully watched the housekeeper make it a safe distance away before pulling Ben’s pajama pants and underwear down in one swift move.

Right in the middle of the kitchen.

“Babe…” Ben’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline before he could recuperate and lace his fingers through her damp hair to hold her as he kissed her.

They’d spent most of the day by the water, and Ben could still smell the saltwater in her hair.

“We haven’t _here_,” Rey explains, feeling a bit woozy as she sinks to her knees quickly. “Seems only right that we defile the entire property.”

“Is that so? What if I’m _against_ inappropriate conduct in the kitchen?” Ben smirks, but falters once her lips close around his cock.

“I’ll just have to suck your dick somewhere else, I suppose.” She pulls her mouth away long enough to tease him.

She swirls her tongue around the head of his cock before plunging him into her mouth as far as she can. She slowly pulls her lips back up and off of him with a loud pop.

“It’d be such a shame to waste all of that time walking to the bedroom, though, don’t you think?”

“A horrible waste, baby,” he concurs. “_Fuck_, I love it when you put those pretty lips around me.”

Even though she’d have been perfectly happy to have him come in her mouth, she’s only more excited when he gently tugs her upward and lifts her onto the kitchen counter.

“I’m gonna eat your pretty pussy until you scream,” He casually announces. “And then I’m gonna fill you with my cock. Is _that_ what you want, Mrs. Solo?”

“_Please_, Ben…”

And he keeps his word.

He licks her and fucks her with his fingers until she sees stars. And when he doesn’t relent, she has to beg him to fuck her.

He quickly picks her up and flips her around so that her front is leaning on the kitchen counter.

She feels him rub at her entrance from behind as his breath fans over her ear.

“Tell me what you want, baby girl.”

“Fuck me, Ben… _Please_.”

Without another word, he slams into her and immediately sets a punishing pace.

So punishing that it’s mere minutes before Rey shatters again, begging Ben to come inside of her.

She’s surprised when he pulls out almost instantly after coming, but she’s so dazed she can’t even manage to squeal when he promptly lifts her and carries her back to the bedroom.

Ben lays her on the bed before moving to lay his head against her stomach, spreading her legs after.

She feels him push his fingers back inside of her.

“Making sure you don’t lose any,” He explains and he lazily kisses her stomach. “This is where my come is supposed to be… Every last drop.”

Even though she’s overly sated, Rey clenches around his fingers.

“I’ll fuck you again before we go to bed, baby, I promise,” He removes his fingers with a chuckle, seemingly satisfied that none of his come would spill. “Rest for now.”

“M’kay.” Rey nods, then pauses for a moment before turning to face Ben with a smirk.

“We forgot the bathroom downstairs.”

* * *

“So, tell me what’s been going on. I heard you got married! Congratulations to the both of you.”

Dr. Collins smiles at Ben and Rey, moving to stand by the monitor for the ultrasound.

Rey was due for a check-up regarding the surgery she’d had eight months ago. She’d had a check-up shortly before her wedding, and while there was still a significant amount of scarring present, she’d made considerable progress.

Rey was thrilled that there was any positive change at all.

“Thank you,” Rey smiles, moving back to lay against the exam table while Dr. Collins reaches for the horribly cold gel. “Everything’s been pretty good. My periods keep getting lighter and lighter. Other than a tiny little sinus infection during my honeymoon, I’ve been great. I was sick a couple weeks ago, but it went away pretty quickly. I either had food poisoning or got a stomach bug of some sort.”

Dr. Collins nods, typing a few things into her laptop before bringing the gel over to Rey’s stomach.

“Isn’t that the way it goes? The one time you get sick, and it’s your honeymoon.”

“Thankfully, there were some great doctors in Malindi. They got her some antibiotics and other medications, and she was back to normal in no time.” Ben adds.

Dr. Collins pauses for a moment before resuming spreading the gel over Rey’s skin.

“And when were you ill with the GI bug?” She asks Rey.

“Um… like two weeks ago?” Rey shrugs.

“And you’ve been feeling fine since?”

Dr. Collins moves the prove under Rey’s belly button, pressing torturously into her bladder. Rey only drank the amount of water required, but felt worse than she had during previous appointments.

She felt like she was about to bust.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Rey nods. “Just a little… _off_ after traveling. Not exactly nauseous, but my appetite has been all over the place.”

Dr. Collins nods, and Rey watches as her eyes narrow, glancing at different areas of the screen that was facing away from her and Ben. She seems to find what she’s looking for before her facial features relax and her eyebrows raise.

“There we are,” She chuckles. “Well, we can rule out a GI bug or travel sickness.”

Rey raises an eyebrow before Dr. Collins spins the monitor around.

“You’re pregnant, Rey.”

Rey’s mouth pops open and she stares at the black and white screen.

“She’s… are you sure?” Ben chokes.

“Very much so,” Dr. Collins laughs. “There’s a perfectly implanted fetus growing in there. Not scar tissue.”

Rey bursts into tears and Ben leans over to kiss her.

“Is… is it _okay_?” Rey finally speaks, unable to quit sobbing.

“Everything looks great, Rey. Heartbeat is strong. Would you like to hear it?”

“Yes! Yes, please,” Rey laughs and cries at the same time, watching the jellybean shaped blob wiggle its tiny arms and legs. When the hummingbird paced heartbeat sounds out, she cries again, and she feels Ben’s hand shaking in her own. “Ben… please tell me I’m not dreaming. Tell me you’re seeing this, too… Hearing it… That’s our _baby_.”

“I know, baby, I know,” Ben manages a laugh through his tears. “Can… can you tell how far along she is?”

“She seems to be about twelve weeks along,” Dr. Collins answers. “I think I may be correct in assuming that when you took the antibiotic on your honeymoon that you didn’t use a backup contraceptive?”

“Um, no,” Rey’s face flushes. “I didn’t think… with the scarring, I figured it was pointless.”

Rey’s never been happier to have made a wrong assumption.

Dr. Collins confirms Rey’s last period that was noticeable and the dates she took the antibiotic before estimating her at 12 weeks, 3 days pregnant.

“Well, at least this seems to be a happy accident.” Dr. Collins smiles.

“Very happy. _Elated_.” Ben laughs before leaning over to kiss Rey _again_.

A series of informational packets and prenatal vitamin recommendations later and Ben’s driving them both home—one hand on the steering wheel, and the other on Rey’s belly.

Rey was sure she was in for it.

Ben was already overprotective (and that was putting it lightly) of her. Now, there was another factor to add in.

His _child_.

His child that was currently growing inside of her.

_Their_ child.

The tears start again before they even make it a mile away from the hospital. 

“You okay, baby?”

Rey responds with a laugh.

“You’re gonna have to get a new nickname for me.”

“Why’s that?” Ben smiles, his fingers gently skimming back and forth over her stomach.

“We’ll have to call the baby ‘baby’, won’t we?”

“Sure… but you’re both ‘baby’ to me. Even this baby,” he softly pats Rey’s belly. “Rey, I can’t tell you what this means to me. I’m so, _so_ in awe of you. I will never be able to explain to you just how happy you’ve made me. How amazing it is that _you’re_ going to be the mother of my child.”

Rey places her hand over Ben’s, looking down at her stomach.

“And you’re gonna be a dad, old man.”

Ben laughs loudly.

“Can’t be _that_ old… I got you pregnant easily enough, didn’t I?”

“Fuck off.” Rey giggles, playfully smacking the back of his hand.

“Language, momma,” He sarcastically gasps, placing a hair more pressure on her stomach, as if he’s shielding the baby’s ears. “Let’s hope this baby doesn’t have your mouth.”

“I’m not _that_ bad.”

Ben raises an eyebrow, smirking.

“You cussed me out the first Christmas at the cabin, remember?”

“Yes, but _you _were the one who couldn’t count properly. And I’d hurt my foot.”

“You managed every curse word in the book. At _thirteen_.”

“And yet you still married me.” Rey smirks.

“And knocked you up.” Ben smirks back.

When they arrive home, Rey grabs Ben’s arm before he can open his door.

“You know this means less _alone_ time,” Rey starts. “Once the baby gets here, I mean.”

Ben narrows his eyes, examining his wife. He raises an eyebrow for her to continue.

“We should get in all the alone time we can now.” She explains with a coy smile.

“Ah,” Ben laughs. “And by _alone_ time you mean…”

“Sex, Ben,” Rey leans over to kiss him. “I don’t care where, but if you want me inside, you better hurry now, or it’s gonna be here.”

Ten minutes later, they finally make it inside.

For round _two_.

* * *

“What’s this?” Rey raises her eyebrows.

Maz grins before lifting the lid and revealing her concoction.

“Before you say anything,” Maz stops her daughter. “It’s dairy-free, s_tellina_.”

“Oh, _thank you_, mom,” Rey nearly drools over beautiful pumpkin pie in front of her. “I’ve been dying for one since the end of summer and I’ve not been able to have one.”

Maz hears Chewie call her name before she runs off to the dining room.

“Have a what?” Finn walks in, his eyes quickly landing on the pie.

“Don’t even think about it,” Rey’s eyes narrow. “This entire pie… it’s mine. It’s dairy free, and I can _finally_ eat pumpkin pie, and it’s _mine_.”

“Can’t you just pump?” He asks, genuinely curious.

“Poe,” Rey yells into the living room. “Come get your husband before I murder him.”

“I concede,” Finn holds up his hands in defense. “I promise I won’t touch your pie… But just think… what would your daughter think about her mom’s stingy behavior towards her favorite uncle?”

“Favorite uncle?” Poe asks as he walks into the kitchen. “I hope you’re referring to me.”

“Let’s be reasonable, babe.” Finn laughs.

“Oh, I am,” Poe crosses his arms. “Stella prefers her Uncle Poe. It’s just a fact.”

A tiny cry sounds out, and Ben walks up from behind Finn and Poe with Stella in tow.

No matter how much time she’d spent just staring at every feature on her little girl’s face over the last six months, Rey still found herself in awe of Stella. She was the most beautiful baby Rey had ever laid eyes on.

And that was _apart_ from her maternal bias.

She looked just like her father, but had Rey’s personality. Never fussy and never one to whine unless she was hungry.

She had both of their appetites combined. She could drain Rey of every ounce of milk she could produce and then eat enough solid food for five babies.

Her smile still caught Rey off guard. She’d only recently been able to keep herself from crying when Stella would coo or laugh or show off her copy of her Daddy’s dimples when she smiled.

“Hungry?” Rey asks her husband, glancing down at her baby girl’s pitifully contorted face.

“Dad doesn’t have the goods,” Ben chuckles, carefully handing over his daughter. “I’m afraid you’re all that’s gonna cut it right now.”

“Did you miss Momma?” Rey beams down at Stella, gently slipping her into the sling she already had on around her chest.

A couple covert movements and adjustments later, and Stella is contently filling her belly.

“She’s hidden under that thing and her hair _still_ sticks out of it,” Ben laughs, reaching over to gently trace his thumb against her forehead. Stella turns her head to the side just slightly, looking at her Daddy. Rey still couldn’t get over the resemblance. She had even had the thick, dark curls right after she was born. It seemed they weren’t going anywhere. “You got all Daddy’s hair, didn’t you, baby?”

“Carried her… gave birth to her,” Rey sighs with a grin on her face. “And the kid looks just like you.”

“She’s got your eyes,” Ben shakes his head. “And your ears, thank _god_.”

“The alternative would’ve been a travesty.” Finn agrees, and Ben smacks him.

Leia and Han make it to the cabin while Rey is still feeding, and she holds in her laugh when she notices Leia just _dying_ to snatch her granddaughter up.

Han, on the other hand, seems to be planning out his quality time with Stella.

“She’s eating,” He explains his hesitance to his wife. “And we all know what happens after that… the kid’s gotta make room for that somehow. After she leaves both her grandmas a present, Chewie and I will take over.”

“Smooth, dad,” Ben rolls his eyes. “Her diapers don’t even smell bad. She’s breastfed.”

“Yes, but she’s just now starting to eat that pureed crap,” Han shakes his head. “That’s when it gets bad. You and your brother nearly killed me.”

“Oh, Rose couldn’t get you on your cell,” Ben remembers, turning to Rey. “They’re about an hour out from the cabin. And she says she doesn’t care who has the baby when she she arrives, but the second they get inside, it’s her turn with Stella.”

Rey laughs.

Since moving to Brooklyn after she and Lane graduated, Rose hadn’t gotten to see much of Rey or baby Stella.

Rey could remember when she’d slipped up and accidentally told Rose the name they’d decided on when they were planning to wait until the baby was born.

Rose was so excited that Rey couldn’t tell what she was saying through the tears.

Of course, Maz had the same reaction.

_“Stella? Like—“_

_“Like ‘stellina’,” Rey nodded, watching tears fall from Maz as she cradled her granddaughter. “Analeia for Han and Leia. Stella Analeia Solo.”_

Looking back, Rey wondered just how crazy she was to make the decision to wait until giving birth to learn the gender of the baby.

When she was a newborn, Stella wore a lot of white and yellow and green… Her wardrobe quickly turned into pink and ruffles and bows when everyone else found out.

Stella’s grandparents would visit every day, with a new item of clothing (or ten) in tow.

Finn and Poe, like any good uncles, bought Stella even _more_ gender-neutral clothing since the convention of pink and blue being used as indication of gender was ‘a load of outdated horseshit’.

After Stella finishes eating, Rey reluctantly hands her baby over to Leia before taking the opportunity to enjoy just sitting in the relative calm with her husband by the fire.

Ben had been reading over some finance reports on his laptop, but when Rey burrows into his side, he willingly closes it and pulls her even closer.

“She’s gonna be a lucky little girl,” Rey notes, watching her entire family fawning over Stella while she bounces on Leia’s knee. She was using Han’s finger as a teething ring at the moment. “She has so many people that love her.”

“She’s very lucky,” Ben agrees. “She’s got you for a mom.”

“And you for a dad.”

“We did good, didn’t we?” He grins, leaning over to plant a chaste kiss on Rey’s temple.

“We did.”

True to her word, when Rose arrives, she immediately scoops up baby Stella and hoards her from the rest of her family.

She only agrees to return Stella back to her mom after everyone’s ate Leia’s annual Christmas Eve-Eve dinner and the poor baby girl wants to be fed, too.

“She’s just so perfect, Rey,” Rose glances over at Stella’s sated, now sleeping face, pressed against the skin just below Rey’s shoulder. “I can’t believe she’s real.”

“You’re telling me,” Rey snorts, tearing her eyes away from Stella long enough to look up at Rose and see tears. “Hey… what is it?”

Rose just shakes it off, laughing despite her watery eyes.

“Well… I guess you could say it’s the hormones.”

It takes Rey a second but she sees the grin on Rose’s face and subsequently squeals without any real volume so she doesn’t wake Stella.

“Are you really?!” Rey’s own eyes water.

“We found out a few weeks ago,” Rose nods, wiping at her eyes. “We’re having a girl, too.”

“Oh, my god, Rose!” Rey laughs, carefully leaning over to hug her best friend as best as she can.

Rey could see just how genuinely happy Rose was as she placed her hand over her now slightly noticeable baby bump.

Ben makes his way over, with Lane following close behind him. They both have raised eyebrows—clearly wondering what in the world was wrong with the two women hysterically laughing and crying in the middle of the living room.

“Everything okay, baby?” Ben asks, and Rey can tell by the look on his face that he’s figured it out in the mere seconds it’d taken him to walk the short distance.

Rey looks over at Rose, then down at her daughter, sleeping soundly against her chest. She could vaguely hear Finn, Poe, Han, and Chewie yelling and laughing while playing cards in the Den, and Maz and Leia laughing and loading dishes into the dishwasher in the kitchen.

She looks back up at Ben and smiles, nodding.

“Yeah.”

Everything was _perfect_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we have it! A happy ever after for our new little Solo family. 
> 
> Yes, I added (shamelessly) Landslide because it's one of my favorite songs of all time (p.s. and because it's one of the best songs ever written) (p.p.s. and because it was written by The Queen, Stevie Nicks). 
> 
> And, just as an FYI, Stella's middle name, Analeia, is pronounced: ah-nuh-lay-uh. I thought it was a fitting combination of meaningful references. 
> 
> Also: I'm brainstorming ideas for a new fic! I'm up for settings in any universe, although some may require a little more research than others. If you liked my writing and have ideas for me, feel free to reach out either on Tumblr or Twitter or here! (Fair warning: I'm least likely to check Tumblr as much as the other platforms). 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for following along with this story. 
> 
> \- kristen

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading. :)
> 
> I've had the idea for this story for a long time, but I've not had the time to give it the amount of attention it needs until now. I wanted to make sure it was written with sensitivity and without romanticizing any form of sexual abuse, and didn't want to stereotype victims of sexual assault. I wanted it to feel organic and real, which means at times it's not pretty. Or sweet. Or cute. It's awkward and uncomfortable and unsettling. 
> 
> I love feedback and criticism as long as it's constructive and not someone just trying to be an ass, so feel free to leave me comments! I hope to update this story as frequently as I can, but if you want to keep up with when there might be updates, feel free to follow me on Twitter or Tumblr @kylouwu. 
> 
> -kristen


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